C&C: Better Late Than Never
:)
Dear FFMLers
Here is chapter two of my NGE fanfiction work,
"The Waste Land." As always, C & C is welcome,
but please, keep comments tasteful and
constructive. (I do have a delicate ego. ^_^)
You may send replies to either sme291@hotmail.com or
via the FFML.
How about BOTH! :)
TEXT CONVENTIONS:
_ _ denotes emphasis
Eh... I'd drop this. I'd imagine that most of us can figure out what
you mean. :)
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
>From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"
I'm really starting to think that I've gotta head down to the library
and look this stuff up... :)
CHAPTER II: A Brief Respite
The thin, metallic taste of blood filled his
mouth. Shinji grimaced as he ran his tongue along
the roof of his mouth, his teeth, his lips. He
tried to spit out the acrid taste but he was unable
to raise his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin, bloody threads. Shinji wiped his
mouth with a feeble hand, leaving streaks of dust
upon his face and grit in his teeth. He spat again
and rubbed his mouth; once more, a thin layer of
dirt accumulated. Shinji sighed.
Hmm... can't say why, but I'd suggest replacing the last 'Shinji' with a
simple 'He'. The subject of the paragraph - Shinji - hasn't changed, so the
proper name isn't really necessary.
I think, anyway. I've been known to be wrong before. :)
With his one good eye, the boy looked up into
the sky. The sun was well past its meridian; it was
now near five o'clock. He tried to move his head
once more, but the fierce bursts of pain brought on
a wave of darkness and nausea. Shinji gagged as the
bile surged into his throat. Too weak to hold the
acid stream, he turned his head and vomited.
I'm really wondering what's happened to Our Hero, here... SOMETHING's
obviously torn him up (physically or otherwise); I'm just not sure what.
Arrgh, suspense! :)
For many minutes afterwards, Shinji lay unmoving,
a viscous trickle of bile running from his mouth onto
the ground. He stared straight ahead, his blue-gray
eye blank, empty. The rancid stench wafted up to his nose but he did not
sense it. The sour flavor coated
his mouth and lips, but he could not taste it.
Strangely, mercifully, a kind of stupor had stolen
over him, shutting off all sensation and all thought.
The boy lay there thus, unmoving, when the girl
discovered him the next morning.
Suggest:
The boy lay there thus, unmoving, until the girl discovered him the next
morning.
A slight figure knelt over him, her long auburn tresses brushing
against his face. At first, Shinji
was unaware of her presence but the soft sweep of
Missing comma: presence but -> presence, but
her hair aroused him out of his torpor. Shinji
slowly turned his head and squinted up at the girl
above him. The sun shone full upon her, creating a
halo of light about her form but casting her face in shadow. "Asuka?" he
whispered hoarsely as he reached out. "Asuka?"
O_o?
<snip>
The girl gasped in fright. She tore her hand
free and scrambled to her feet. She had already run
a meter away from him but a peculiar noise arrested
her in mid-flight--the sound of a low, grieved moan.
For a few moments, she stood irresolute. Then, as
Shinji's sobs increased, as quickly as she had run
from him, the girl turned back.
Sucker! :)
She knelt beside him and murmured soothingly
as she stroke the sweat-matted hair from his dirty
face, "Shh. I won't leave. I'll stay. Hush, now.
I won't go."
"Asuka," he whispered, his eyes shining. "You
won't leave me, will you?"
The joy on his face was terrifying but the girl
answered, "I won't. I promise."
Shinji smiled contentedly before he slipped into
unconsciousness.
Nooo!! aaAaRrrGGhhH! I *hate* suspense!
(well, no, not really... but still... :)
-------------------------------------------------------
The small stone cross felt cool in her thin palm.
Elena carefully opened her fist and once again looked
at the pendant in her hand. It's a curious thing,
really, she thought as she toyed with the necklace.
I don't think I've seen anything like this since
before the apocalypse. She idly dangled the necklace from her wrist, a
thoughtful look in her eyes.
This is a post-NGE fic, right? So the apocalypse she's referring to is
NOT Second Impact, I'm assuming?
I wanna know what happened!!! Waaahh! :)
Why does this boy have this? And how did he get
it? Elena wondered as she glanced at the sleeping boy
in the bed. She ran her thumb along the plain narrow
string of hemp, her brow furrowed in contemplation.
Abruptly, she stopped and stared at her hand. Dry,
brittle, red-brown flakes speckled her fingers.
Curious, she touched her fingers to her lips. Her
eyes widened in surprise.
Ah... um... *shakes head*
Er...
Not to be mean here, but - *deep breath*
WHAT SORT OF LOONY IS THIS CHICK?!?
:)
Actually, there's nothing wrong with the scene. But you may want to
consider just how she finds out that it's blood. The way you have it here,
it vaguely (to me, at least) implies that the girl is tough... no, wrong
word. Hmm... uh.... Oh, hell, I dunno. *pauses in thought*
Squeamish! There we go. :)
The way you have it here, it implies that she's not squeamish about
possibly catching some nasty bug from someone else's blood. If that's the
way you want to portray her, great! But if not, then I'd suggest having her
sniff it or something. Blood does have a distinct odor to it, after all.
And would her first response really be to taste it?
(I notice this kind of thing as a side effect - my grandmother is an RN,
my GF's father is a paramedic, and I used to be FR certified, so handling
blood is something I know a little bit about. :)
Blood, she thought as she rubbed the pads of her
thumb and forefinger together. The frail, dark scales
fell to the ground and mingled with the dust upon the
floor.
Nice description. :)
<snip eva scene>
Now THAT's really confusing... there's something going on here, that
much is obvious... but I keep feeling like I'm missing it, that there's
something I keep overlooking.
Lessee here. Recap:
- The world is, basically, in your classic after-the-bomb state, because
of Shinji.
- Shinji is wandering, and has odd visions from time to time.
- Shinji is either psychotic, or the EVA ain't quite dead...
Hmm... vague foreboding, anyone? :)
Elena watched him from her seat on the worn
doorstep of the house. In the dim twilight, she could
discern the irregular outline of a boy crouched in the
sparse grass. His ragged white shirt glowed faintly
in the dusk. His thin arm moved in long, sweeping
strokes; he was describing a pattern in the dust with
a twig. A name? she wondered. As he worked, she saw
his hand reach under his shirt and withdraw a small
object from around his neck. Then, abruptly, the boy threw the stick to
the
ground and, in one, fierce jerk
of his hand, he obliterated the design. For many moments, he sat still,
gazing down at the ornament in
his hand. Then, gently, carefully, the boy tucked the necklace into the
small pocket of his shirt and rose to look at the ruin that stretched
before
him.
OOoookaaay... ol' Shinj is having some issues, eh? :)
<snip>
It's been two week since Elena-san found me,
typo: week -> weeks
<snip>
Shinji bowed his head. "No. . . At the time, I didn't know. I was
simply a tool-for NERV and. . .for
my father. I didn't realize what was happening until
it was too late. I tried to stop it-I tried. . .but it wasn't enough. . .
It wasn't enough. But I tried-I tried. . ."
No excuses, Shinji-kun. You did it. It's your fault.
(yeah, I'm a dick, I know. :)
<snip>
He winced but he said nothing. The two children stared at each
other:
the girl in furious hate, the boy in sorrow and remorse. Slowly,
gingerly,
Shinji placed his hand upon his burning cheek.
"I hate you," she hissed.
Shinji dropped his head, his hand still on his cheek. "You're too
kind. . .Elena-san."
O_O?
-------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES: These notes will be rather long-winded, so to those of
you
who don't want to read it, skip it! ^_^ Trust me, there is going to be a
lot of jazz in
the following lines.
*whips out a sax, then sags when he remembers that he can't play it*
Actually, I thought this chapter was pretty good. And to be honest, I
thought it was better than the first. I'd almost - almost! - suggest that
you rewrite it so that THIS chapter IS the first chapter, and the original
first chapter becomes a flashback chapter of sorts; Shinji telling his story
to Elena during his two-week stay, maybe?
The story flowed pretty well - convoluted, yes, but it was followable -
and concluded on a good scene. Very nice work, B! Again, you've got me
hungrily waiting for more! :)
(and I DO apologize; I meant to get to this sooner, but... well, you
know how it is, I'm sure. :)
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org