Long postings mean long waits for C&C, but I've finally gotten
around to it.
I really enjoyed this story a lot, Vince.
Daylight filtered down into the bamboo grove, turning the
trail Ranma trotted along into a tunnel under the sea, green
shade dappled with brilliant flecks that rippled and danced.
Nice WUE-esque imagery here... maybe a bit much for a single
sentence, though.
I immediately thought of the way Alan starts his stories with
a stunner of a sentence. Yours is different, though: reading
yours aloud is soft and flowing, with nice imagery.
So far, it's sort of a Doctor Who plot. Ranma wanders into
something, and gets mixed up in someone else's schemes.
Yup. Or Burroughs, or Howard, or even Dumas... I try to
steal from the best. :)
ER Burroughs is who I thought of immediately. This is just like
the sort of adventure Tarzan and John Carter fall into over and
over again. Your resolution is not, however, and on this I agree
with Gary. The ending I was looking for was not a trial by
combat, but an elaborate trickery, whereby Helubor actually
confesses within Saffron's hearing.
Since your web page mentions it, sort of like a 'Toyama no kin-
san' plot. You might actually think about having Kiima in a
drudge disguise, accompanied by Saffron and Ranma in maid
disguises [a little too farcical for your sense of humor,
though], sneaking around in Helubor's rooms and overhearing
Helubor make incriminating remarks. Then a judgement scene
later with Saffron revealing that he was the maid, in front
of a full court, by rolling up his sleeve and patting his tattoo.
The whole bit with Kiima and Ranma producing the Heart would be
just the first half of the resolution: they would sneak into
the mountain to see Saffron alone, and use the Heart to convince
Saffron into following the above plan.
Or something. It sounds funny, given the length of your story,
but I actually did feel that the resolution was too quick, too
easy.
In the aftermath of the release of AMAW, I realized that
there were several stories that could be told in that timeline:
* How it came about that Ranma married Kasumi instead of Akane.
* Ranma's first "training trip", to Kansai and China.
* The effects of Kodachi becoming Ranma's mistress.
* Akane and Ranma finally consummating their long-hidden love.
* "Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix".
I expect to tell all of these stories eventually, and then the
original AMAW will be merely an epilogue.
Given these plans, there is a danger worth warning you about.
Almost always, when writers write backwards within a continuity,
the later-written but set-earlier stories spoil the earlier-
written stories, either by revealing too much, or by attributing
later characterizations to the characters at earlier stages.
In your case, I would urge you to continue writing, from this
point, with the earliest-set of the stories in your list,
presumably how Ranma came to marry Kasumi (and how the marriage
developed into the formal, traditional Japanese one we see in
AMAW).
At this point, I guess it is inevitable that AMAW itself will
eventually become a pointless-seeming epilogue (and I hate
seeing this happen to stories that seem to be breaking new
ground when originally published), but the best way to make
sure that this doesn't happen to any other stories is to
write them in chronological order.
I don't agree with most of the remarks by other C&Cers about
pacing. In particular, the scenes with Ranma in jail seemed
just right to me. Description and imagery in general were
exquisite. I had no feeling that Kiima was opening up to
Ranko too quickly, given her situation.
Anyway, nicely told, Vince. Thanks for writing and sharing! ;)