After struggling for a good chunk of the weekend trying to C&C the
original, I finally said 'screw it' and decided to C&C Gary's C&C, since it
raised some points that I have opinions on (and, frankly, because my Witty
Comment-O-Tron seems to be on the blink regarding the original fic, and
there wasn't all that much I *could* criticize... :)
So. Here goes.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Kleppe" <kleppe@mediaone.net>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Monday, July 10, 2000 1:02 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma] Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix
Vincent Seifert <seifertv@csus.edu> wrote:
Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix
Whew, long chapter. :) I'll try not to repeat anything Phil's already
pointed
out.
*nods* That was also one of the problems I was having. Sheesh.
"No longer," Helubor said tightly. "As for plans... I await
your suggestions with keen interest."
"Well, my friend, I'm sure I can come up with something--
oh, drop the wrath already; purple is NOT your color. Actually,
Was he turning purple? The narration never mentioned it.
No, it didn't... but I think I prefer it that way. It's an indirect way
of describing the scene, rather than blatantly saying that Helubor's turning
purple with wrath. This caught my attention much more directly, and had the
bonus of making me chuckle, which a straight description wouldn't have done.
"If you mean mate and bear children--" Fanael nodded-- "not
if I have to do it with Helubor."
Punctuation seems rather odd here. Suggest:
and bear children," Fanael said, nodding, "not
Ah, but see, Fanael is NOT the one speaking here. :) It's still Kiima
talking. The 'Fanael nodded --' part is a narrative interjection, and is
perfectly legit.
Still, though, it'd read easier if it was written more as though Kiima
had trailed off, like:
"If you mean mate and bear children..." Kiima began. At Fanael's nod,
Kiima shuddered. "Not if I have to do it with Helubor."
Kiima flinched; to bring up the decline of the numbers of
the Phoenix folk in polite conversation was simply not done.
"Fanael, I hope you're not going to tell me to do my duty to our
people. I do my duty, every day."
FANEAL: I know. Who do you think has to clean it up?
*blink blink* Eww....
"I see," Kiima said. She eyed her deputies speculatively.
"Are you suggesting, perhaps, that it would be a good idea to
have him guarded round the clock?"
"Definitely," said Koruma. Beside him, Masara cringed
suddenly. Kiima favored the more astute of the pair with a
humorless smile.
"That's right. YOU get to guard him."
Again, good joke, but IMO the presentation could be better. Maybe have one
of
the birdboys say something like "Boy, I feel sorry for the poor suckers
who get
stuck with *that* duty...." and Kima just nods at them.
I disagree. IMO, that would be much too blatant for the tone of this
fic. Vince seems to have been aiming at a rather understated tone, which I
personally find very entertaining. The humor is there, but they aren't just
in-your-face gags.
Just my opinion, of course, but I much prefer subtlety. :)
"A little while is all we require," Taragon said smoothly.
He waited until Masara and Koruma had departed, looking
mistrustfully over their shoulders, and then addressed Ranma
again. "Did you defeat Lady Kiima, groundling?"
"The name's Ranma. No."
Isn't he a bit miffed at having to admit this? I'd expect something like
"Well,
kind of. Okay, technically, no. Not really. Hey, she got lucky!"
Now this I do agree with. Changed or no, Ranma would probably still
have issues with admitting defeat... although a case could be made for the
argument that, since he's already given up so much (explained in A Man Among
Women), he doesn't find the concept as galling as he once did.
For this, I'd suggest something like:
"Did you defeat Lady Kiima, groundling?"
Ranma looked uncomfortable. "Well.. that is... ah..."
Taragon nodded and looked smug, while the other simply said, "I imagine
you could have if you truly wanted to. You were just taken by surprise,
caught by a trick. Isn't that so?"
(IMO, it'd be more likely for Helubor to look smug - he seems much more
likely to be playing the Bad Cop - but I'm just going with what's already
written. :)
As Ranma climbed the steps, the splendor that was Saffron's
throne room appeared to his astonished eyes as the sun appears
over the horizon at dawn. Guards lined the wide avenue leading
Two uses of "appear" here. Suggest simply: 'as the sun over the....'
Hmm... possible, but sometimes, two uses of a single word is the most
effective way to portray the scene. I think that's the case, here. Without
the second 'appear', I find it more confusing.
"Captain Kiima," Saffron said, raising his right hand.
Kiima rose and walked briskly to the other side of the throne,
turning with precision to stand facing the hall. She saw that
Ranma was still standing and frowned, but Saffron was already
speaking. "Chancellor Korianda, read the charges," he said to
the man standing by the throne.
KORIANDA: *ahem* Three nights bed and breakfast at four hundred yuan each,
plus
seven hundred yuan for damages. Payable by certified check or money order
*before* the first of the month, thankyewverymuch.
*snarf*
Kiima glanced at Ranma. "It is true that Ranma did no
lasting harm to any of your guards, and I believe him that his
motives for intruding were free of malice."
This would work better if there had been some sort of scene between these
two
earlier. As is, I think Kima's niceness toward Ranma comes out of nowhere.
*nods* Yup. He may be handsome, but he just whupped all of her
underlings and nearly beat her, as well. And duty seems to be her primary
motivation for nearly everything, so I don't think that his looks and charm
would have THAT much of an effect without some sort of interaction between
the fight and now.
"You're still going to be a standout, though," Ranma
observed. "Nyanniichuan won't change your hair color or your
height, or your looks."
Suggest: 'height, or how good lookin' you are."' (As written, Ranma's
comment
might be taken as 'the way you look,' in which case Kima's reaction that
follows
isn't really appropriate.) I expect you expect me to say something about
the
hair color thing here, but I think it stands on its own. :)
Oh, _no_. Not THAT argument again... :)
Another bad point was bad leadership. Captain Kiima had
been a good leader, and Pepa hadn't known it until he'd gotten a
bad leader. Koruma and Masara tried their best, but Lord Helubor
was a bad captain, and that was all there was to it. Captain
Kiima yelled at them and hit them, but that was because she
wanted them to be better guards, and thought they could be better
guards if she yelled at them and hit them. Lord Helubor yelled
at them and hit them because he thought they were scum.
An hour ago Lord Helubor had shown up all excited and
started issuing orders. Weird orders. Koruma and Masara had
explained them as "stay on your toes", which was why Pepa and his
partner were guarding this door instead of practicing to impress
girls.
Seems like you could show some of these things just as easily as you're
telling
them to us here. I'm not sure what constitutes a "weird order."
True. I got the feel during this part that Vince was in a bit of a
hurry to get to the next scene. I like the scene with the guards - it adds
a touch of humor to an otherwise pretty dry stretch - but I agree: it'd be
better with a more solid lead-up, so we could get a better feel for the
situation.
"Let it be said that at least he died with honor, then,"
said Saffron. "He has been proven guilty, and he has paid the
penalty; justice has been done." He turned to Taragon, held by
Koruma and Masara. "And what of this one?"
This is a little unsatisfying. The truth is, Helu *wasn't* proven guilty.
We
know that he's not as good a fighter as Kima; we know that his henchman is
underhanded; but it'd be nice if Ranma and Kima had managed to prove that
*he*
had stolen the gem, which none of this does.
Again, I gotta agree with Gary. This was the part of this fic that I
disliked the most. Helubor WAS guilty; we know that, since we saw the whole
thing. But Saffron didn't. Granted, their tradition may be important
enough to them that they consider failure to win (failure to survive?) as
sufficient grounds for determining guilt... but it's a very unsatisfying way
to deal with it.
To be honest, I was expecting some sort of trick - Helubor is lethally
wounded, but lives long enough to try to kill Kiima one more time with his
last gasp of effort; Taragon drops a smoke bomb and vanishes into the
catacombs, dragging his wounded compatriot with him; y'know, some plot
twist that would prove that Helubor and Taragon were the real bad guys. As
it is, it's proved that Taragon is via the attack on Ranma, but nothing ever
really proves that Helubor is guilty.
One minor point that bugged me, as well, was that Helubor goes from
trying to mate Kiima to trying to kill her without so much as a moment's
hesitation. I can believe that his only motivation for mating with her
would be to (for example) gain power, but I don't recall ever seeing just
WHAT he would gain, unless the only thing he was after was her beauty.
"Lady Fanael, of the House of the Hawk?" Ranma asked.
"Yes." Kiima stared down at Helubor's body, looking quite
distraught. "I just killed her brother."
FANAEL: My name is Fanael Montoya. Prepare to die.
Fanny seems like she'd be a good way to show her brother as more than just
a
cliche villain. She could be aware of some of his motivations, something
to give
us a handle on why he did what he did.
Yeeesss... but I'd hate to see it become one of those pithy 'He really
wasn't a bad guy; he did what he did to help [insert whatever here]'. IMO,
that'd completely ruin the story. Something like this NEEDS a bad guy,
somebody who we can all dislike, who may have redeeming features but is
still without a question the Villian.
Kiima touched it, and it wasn't; smooth callus hardened the
calluses
I can't remember what the correct term is, but the proper way to write
this (if I'm not just smoking something, anyway... :) is:
Kiima touched it, and it wasn't; a smooth ridge of callus ...
(ridge/stretch/hump/chunk/etc etc etc - Choose Your Own Description :)
All in all, definitely an extraordinary story. Nicely expressive writing,
and it
was a joy to see Ranma acting so much like... well, like Ranma -- except
for his
newfound ease with woman, which still needs to be developed in the
backstory.
Looking forward to more of these stories, or more Centaur, whichever comes
first. :)
Agreed. Personally, I'd go for more of this before more Centaur, but
hey - that's just me. :)
Gary
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org