"Brian Payne" <sofaspud@sofaspud.org> wrote:
"Definitely," said Koruma. Beside him, Masara cringed
suddenly. Kiima favored the more astute of the pair with a
humorless smile.
"That's right. YOU get to guard him."
Again, good joke, but IMO the presentation could be better. Maybe have one
of
the birdboys say something like "Boy, I feel sorry for the poor suckers
who get
stuck with *that* duty...." and Kima just nods at them.
I disagree. IMO, that would be much too blatant for the tone of this
fic. Vince seems to have been aiming at a rather understated tone, which I
personally find very entertaining. The humor is there, but they aren't just
in-your-face gags.
Just my opinion, of course, but I much prefer subtlety. :)
Just to clarify, my problem actually wasn't that the setup was too
subtle, but that the punchline was too blatant. It would be fine with me
if instead of explaining the joke so explicitly, Kima just smiled at
them and they figured it out.
Fanny seems like she'd be a good way to show her brother as more than just
a
cliche villain. She could be aware of some of his motivations, something
to give
us a handle on why he did what he did.
Yeeesss... but I'd hate to see it become one of those pithy 'He really
wasn't a bad guy; he did what he did to help [insert whatever here]'. IMO,
that'd completely ruin the story. Something like this NEEDS a bad guy,
somebody who we can all dislike, who may have redeeming features but is
still without a question the Villian.
Again, to clarify, I wasn't suggesting going that far. I'd just like to
know that he was a bad guy for a believable *reason,* and not simply
because the story needed a bad guy.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html