En Garde
by Louise McCrowe

    Ranma looked around once more, just to be sure of his privacy.  He was positioned just about on the opposite side of the school from the tree that he and Akane usually had lunch when it was outdoors.  While, deep inside, he knew he was probably overreacting -- it wasn't every single damned day that one of his other fiancees would come crashing on top of him, offering him some lunch, and, well, Akane wasn't here today, so there wouldn't by any retribution for accepting said lunch, but still -- better safe than sorry, right?

    Satisfied that there was no one nearby nor noticing him, Ranma slumped against a tree and unwrapped his lunch. Kasumi had made some white, pellety thing.  She had called it "raisu".  It looked awfully familiar, but he wasn't quite able to place it.  The taste was quite bland, but he was sure some soy sauce could liven it up.  It sure wasn't something he'd want to eat every day.  There were also a few skinless baked potatoes, arranged neatly around the "raisu".  He readied his chopsticks, and dug in, not very enthusiastically.   He neatly piled his potatoes in a little sculpture.

    "Hello Mr. Potato Man.  How are you today?

    "Don't kill me! Don't kill -- YEAAARGH!" were the potato man's last words as Ranma viciously went Kachuu Tenshi Amaguriken on the spuds.

    "Um, hello?" came a girlish voice from Ranma's side.  A tall, blackhaired girl shyly appeared from behind the tree.   She was wearing a modified school uniform, with a very long skirt and red scarf tied around her neck in a loose, fluffy knot.  She had very little makeup on, with a very subtle shade of purple eyeshadow.

    Ranma let out a shriek, almost dropping Mr. Potato Man's arm from in between his chopsticks.  The rest of the food pretty much hit the dirt, though.

    "Oh, I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean to scare you," the girl said, bowing slightly.

    "You didn't scare me," Ranma said, looking at the food with more than moderate longing.  That food just hit the ground.  That food is still good.

    "Here, you can have some of mine," the girl said, extending a picnic basket.

    "Well, you know, I really shouldn't..." Ranma was not stupid enough to not know what would happen if Akane got wind of this somehow.  Or Ukyou.  Or Shampoo.  Or Mr. Tendo.  That picnic basket was looking awfully heavy, though.  The girl probably wouldn't even be able to finish it off.  A thought suddenly occurred to Ranma.  What was a girl doing with a picnic basket in school?  Ranma kept on pondering this as the girl carefully laid out a checkered cloth in front of Ranma, and took a couple of mochi, placing them on plates at opposite sides of the cloth.  She knelt in front of one of the plates, rearranging her skirt so that it covered her feet and straightened it to remove any unsightly wrinkles.  He still couldn't figure it out, so he just shrugged it off, and joined her.

    "My name's Hideko.  Pleased to meet you."

    "I'm Ranma," he said, quickly downing one of the mocchi before him.  "I don't think I've seen you around school."

    "I'm new.  I have heard of you, though," she said, edging closer.

    "Hm?" he mumbled, half-way through another mocchi.

"Here, try some of this," she said, spreading some jam on a toast and guiding it into Ranma's mouth.

    "Huh... thanks," Ranma said, and took a bite of it.

    "So, do you like it?"

    "It's... unique.  I don't think I've ever seen jam this color before.  What is it?"

    She took a look at the pot, and her eyes widened a bit.  "Oh," she said, putting the pot back into the basket, "just some jelly.  And sugar."

Hideko placed her hand on his leg, and Ranma's mind reacted instantly.  The part that was confused as to why she was packing a picnic basket was suddenly at ease, because there ended up being a rational explanation after all.  The other part, which controlled hair growth and blood viscosity, took it upon itself to warn everybody else that this was wrong, wrong, wrong.

    "No!  Wait!  I can't!" Ranma backed away, panicking.

    "Why?  Is it because of Akane?" she asked, her eyes moistening slightly.

    "Yes! I mean, no! I mean, I can't!"

    "It's ... it's because I'm too big, right?" she lowered her head, downcast.

    Ranma looked at the tall girl, and at how she filled the school uniform.  She was definitely big in all the right places, that's for sure.  She was certainly tall compared to the other girls in Ranma's class, being just about Ranma's height. Her bust was very well developed, and while her shoulders were indeed broader than usual, her long black hair fell over them, lessening the effect.

    "No, you're just right," Ranma winced. "That's not what I meant--" but the damage had been done, and Hideko looked up and practically threw herself on him.

    "If it's because of your curse, I know all about it, and I don't care," she said, hugging Ranma.  Ranma was pretty impressed at how strong her hug was.  He was vainly struggling to get out of it, but since he couldn't just push her chest away, it got kinda hard.  "You know," she continued, "I like women also."

    "But... but... really?"  Ranma said, not struggling so much anymore.

    "Uh-huh," she reassured him, moving the tip of her index finger in small, circular motions over his general nipple area.

    "RAAAAANNMA!" came a shout, sounding very much like a spatula-wielding woman scorned standing on the branches of the tree.

    "Wha-- Ukyou? What is it?" asked Ranma, unable to pinpoint the sense of doom he was feeling.

    "It's bad enough that you're unable to get rid of your other fiancees, and you go and get ANOTHER WOMAN?" Ukyou threw her lollipop on the ground, narrowly missing Ranma.

    "What?" said Ranma, "I don't even know her!"

    "Ranma-chan, how can you say, that, after all we've been through?" Hideko said, tears forming in her eyes.  She went on, leaving Ranma staring at her in frozen panic, "All those trips, all those promises.  That beautiful night, when we--"

    Ukyou had heard enough, and sent a veritable barrage of mini-spatulas at Ranma, who managed to dodge them and started to run away.

    "Come back here, you five-timing slut!  I'm gonna hang you by the balls for this!"

    "I didn't do nothing!" Ranma said, faintly heard at the distance.

    Hideko got up, looking at the pair vanish beyond her line of sight.  She grinned a wide, toothy grin.  She removed her scarf, reached to her hair, and removed it, showing it to be a wig.  She took a moist towelette and wiped her makeup off.

    Ryouga licked his fangs, and let out a chuckle.  Carefully, he took off the wonderbra and the water-filled balloons.

    "Not so funny when the joke's on you, huh Ranma?" Ryouga then left, singing the toreador song from Carmina Burana.


----
Oh, come on!  We have had at least two men pose as women in the Ranma universe.  Ryouga could so do it!  I'm putting the SPLAMON! tag on this, but, to be fair, there is very little sex-related things in here, so it's not pure.  The other, purer splamons can be found in the FFML mini-archive (http://meridun.tripod.com). C&C would be nice.

-mccrowe

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