% Rob Barba wrote:
% And yet another one.
Hikage
A story by Rob Barba
It is said in the tales and myths of Japan that one should never go to a festival alone, for demons lurk about. And these demons have but one wish: to capture a soul and spirit it away to the very depths of hell, where the person will never be heard from again. Is it a true occurrence, or is it nothing but an ancient kaidan legend, something to scare the children by when the moon is full?
% I have a feeling we're about to find out. :)
�
A sunny day in the small farm community of Miura, nestled in the Kanto plain on the island of Honshu in the archipelagic empire known as Japan.
% I think you need a subject in that sentence or something. It sounds extremely awkward.
of heaven, a symbol of the serenity that made up the wa of Japan.
That, however, was not on the mind of young Koketsu. He had much more imperative things on his mind than the fields and grasslands around him. No, the young man's mind was elsewhere, and understandably it should have been. When one is at the age of 16, the world around you, with a few items of note here and there, really doesn't make much of a dent in your life. And Koketsu was no exception to this rule. At the moment, he rode through the backroads on his bicycle, the wind blowing through his naturally tea-colored hair and the sunlight glinting off his expressive brown eyes, the average and everyday young man was just enjoying the ride.
% Sounds like our hero. He's been described enough for it. Betcha a demon at a festival gets him.
He could only hope that if he had a nosebleed, it wouldn't ruin the white shirt he was wearing. "Oh, I dunno, Hikari-chan," he answered in what he hoped was his best attempt at an uninterested voice. "Festivals aren't always as good as they say they are. And I was thinking that maybe we could take a train up to Yokohama and do something there." In truth, he had no such intention. Like her, he too had heard from his friends that this festival was going to be an event to remember, and he was very interested in attending, for a number of reasons.
% Mainly to continue on with the story, which would otherwise be pretty damn boring.
bloodiest battles of bygone times had occurred in the vicinity of the temple. With a history such as that, it was little wonder why there were never any festivals at the old place; likely the fact that the usually dour priests that had served there didn't do much to help things, either.
% No good ole' Yoshou's there, eh?
But that had changed all of a month ago.
% I'd drop the 'all of'. Sounds needless.
When the old, surly priest had passed away three months ago,
% just used 'a month ago' at the end of the last sentence. I'd change one or the other somehow.
Koketsu knew that he'd attend, and that he'd escort her, with pleasure. But it was best not to look too interested; let her think that she talked him into it, he decided.
% Heh. Usually it's the girls that are this manipulative.
The girl tugged at his sleeve. "Koketsu-kun? Will you *please* go with me?" She looked at him with her soft, ocean-blue eyes, her beautiful silvery-blonde hair streaming down her back like an endless cascade of the sky above. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever laid his eyes on, and considering he'd known her all his life, that was saying quite a bit.
% that last parts sounds a bit cliche. I think I'd rephrase the sentence somehow and cut it.
He and Hikari were so balanced for each other that their parents were considering an arranged marriage, but decided on letting them figure out their course together. He loved her as a friend, and since puberty had begun to have certain sorts of dreams about her,
% but then he'd had the same sort of dreams about his good buddy, Toji, as well. It was a very confusing time for him.
but time would tell if they would end up together in that fashion.
Of course, Hikari, being a girl, was already one step ahead of him.
% She had already purchased the dog collar,leather outfit, and whips.
Giving him her most kawaii look, she knew that she could snare him hook, line, and sinker, but that there
% i think you could drop the 'that'
was more to it than just that. After all, this was the guy that she'd known all her life, and was beginning to love more than just a friend, and she wanted him to know that. "Koketsu-kun," she said, in a soft voice, "If you do, I'll give you something special."
Fighting off another rivulet of red racing down his nostrils, he said with the most disinterested voice he could muster at the moment, his attempt at feigning disinterest flagging,
% I dunno. If he's this cool a customer, a nosebleed seems wrong for him.
"Oh, all right." Though his face was stoic, there was no stopping the onslaught of lecherous thoughts that raged through the hormone-driven brain cells of the young man.
% At least as far as the brain cells between his legs were concerned. :)
"Thank you, Koketsu-kun." Leaning forward, she brushed her lips against his, the softness of her mouth like the brush
% two uses of 'brush' too close together. 'pressed' might be an acceptable substitute for the first.
of a feather against his own. At first, it seemed a sloppy, unpracticed attempt, but that attempt was filled with the promise of possibly more to come,
% like tongue? :)
a symbol that there was someday to be a unity between them that would last a lifetime.
% Woah! Reading a bit much into a first kiss, aren't we?
�
Nightfall came on the town, and bringing with it the music and velvety sheen of night. The stars glistened in the sky as glimmers in an endless pond. The full moon hung in the sky
% just used 'in the sky' in the previous sentence. I'd change the second use of it somehow. Perhaps 'The moon was full, illuminating the festival like a lantern...' or something like that.
like a festival lantern itself, the size of it much larger than normal, as though it drew closer to the Earth in order to see the goings-on at this time.
% That it was indeed drawing close and was going to collide into the Earth, was in fact the real reason for this.
Though the majority of the cliffside area and adjoining forest were drenched in the nocturne colors of the moment, festive torches and lanterns blazed their glorious light into the air, lining the main road towards the temple site, fiery escorts for the festivalgoers.
From the nearby place where he waited, Koketsu sat on a park bench outside the grounds of the festival, waiting for Hikari. Having changed out of his uniform
% I don't think you mentioned he was wearing a uniform before. You might want to double-check it, and if there isn't a mention there, put one in.
quite some time ago and swapping it out for
% drop 'out'
a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, something inside him stirred. Maybe it was just the feeling of the festivities--((maybe I should've wore a yukata for the night))
% Or a kimono and panties. Chicks digged cross-dressers.
{{Koketsu-kun....}}
% You're in for it now, boy. :)
This time he was sure he heard it. Not only that, but the voice wasn't Hikari's. Getting off the bench, he looked around quietly, wondering who could have called him. A quick look
% I'd use 'glance' here since you use 'confused look' in the next sentence.
in the direction of the forest indicated nothing, and of the few people strolling in his general vicinity, he knew none of them. A confused look momentarily flitted across his features. He was sure that he heard someone, and though the voice was female, it wasn't familiar. Shrugging his head and chuckling, he thought to himself, ((Man, maybe it's just nerves or something.)) Yeah, that had to be it, he decided, as there was no other feasible and realistic reason that could even remotely be ascribed to the situation at hand.
% Bit wordy there. I think I'd cut that a little short too, though I'm not sure how at the moment.
"There you are!" Spinning around as though he'd been attacked, Koketsu faced the person who spoke. "I was worried that the old wives' tales were true!" There, standing in a beautiful momji-printed kimono, her light blue hair cascading down her back, giving her the look of an aura.
% No subject there, near as I can tell. I think you forgot to tell us who she is.
"Thank you, Koketsu-kun. I don't deserve such kindness." Moving closer to him, she sighed in contented embarrassment against his chest.
"But it's the truth, Hikari-chan," he answered. "You're absolutely gorgeous!"
% Now can we have sex?"
% He received a slap for his question. Darn! And he had been playing it cool up to that point too.
�
For quite some time, the pair enjoyed themselves amongst the gaieties and entertainments that the festival had to offer.
% Body piercings.Drug dens. Prostitutes for both boys and girls. The works.
Koketsu caught a few goldfish for Hikari,
% which she ate on the spot.
his hands skillfully using the paper net until it could take no more. They also shared some hot chestnuts, played a few games of chance, and attended a few of the attractions present. However, the largest draw, the chance to go inside the temple itself, had been cancelled by a visibly nervous priest, citing fears that "the old building might be too unsafe for such large crowds as was gathered here." That was odd in itself, since the centuries-old temple looked like it could survive anything short of a direct hit by a tsunami or a typhoon.
% Ah. Demon wards must be hard pressed now or something.
"But Koketsu-kun, the fireworks...." she protested, just as entranced as others were with the show. However, Koketsu continued to drag her along, headed away from the clearing by the cliffs where everyone else was gathered. "Koketsu-kun, where are we going?"
"There's something I want to show you," he said, his voice carrying an oddly gleeful. "I'm sure you'll find it more interesting than the fireworks."
% What? And she doesn't expect the worst with that kind of a declaration?
A huge, boyish grin split his face. "I'm going to show you something that you thought you'd never see before. It'll be fun!"
Her eyes opening wide with realization, a furious blush quickly spread over her face as she retorted, "Koketsu-kun! You know I'm *not* that kind of girl!"
% You have to give me money first. I don't put out for nothing.
Hikari glanced at the large structure before her. It sat there, dark and foreboding, as though it was a wolf crouched and awaiting prey. The door gleamed with a golden sheen, inviting someone to come open up the Pandora's box within. All in all, what Hikari saw, she didn't like, and it filled her with a silent dread.
% Obviously the brains of the duo.
On the other hand, Koketsu saw an old wooden temple, dark in color with some golden highlights here and there. Nothing special, really, as far as looks went; he'd seen much grander, not too far from here at Kamakura. In any case, he still yearned to go within the temple and plumb its mysteries.
% Instead of trying to do the same thing to the girl beside him. What a putz. :)
Not noticing her now-visible fear of the place, he answered in a nonchalant tone, "Well, my grandfather once told me a tale about this place. He said that something fearful is kept at the back of this temple. No one's supposed to see it, and frankly, that makes me want to see it even more!"
% probably why the spirit called out to him earlier.
Stopping for a second, he moved the lantern this way and that, searching for some sort of clue as to where the enigma might be hidden.
However, all Hikari could see were the shadows growing every time he moved the light from their presence. They seemed to her a group of predators readying for the right moment to strike.
% So the Warlord Kaa and his alien shadow legions are preparing to invade Earth again, eh? (a reference to an obscure Marvel Comics villain who was composed of shadows.)
Hikari looked, and shrieked in fright before Koketsu managed to get her calmed down. "W-what is that thing?"
Her companion gave it a critical eye. "Oh, relax--it's just a wall statue. Don't be so afraid." That having been said, he looked at it again. Standing a little under five meters tall, the statue was basically a huge slab of some sort of stone that Koketsu couldn't identify. Carved partially out of it in a bas-relief, was the image of an oni of some kind.
% The name Cthulhu along the bottom. A gaijin demon. There was obviously nothing to worry about, Koketsu thought. There was nothing to indicate this was going to be a Lovecraft fusion.
He didn't answer her.
"Koketsu!" she yelped, turning around again. "Didn't you hear me? I said I wanted to go ho...." Her words trailed off as she suddenly realized that she was alone in the room.
Alone with the statue.
% Yep. It's over for him.
Looking up, he discovered that where the slab had been, was now an open space, out of which the vermilion light poured. The light was partially obscured by dark clouds that flittered across the ocean of red, black mists that partially blocked this new doorway.
Koketsu looked at the gateway to hell, now understanding that this wasn't just a rumor, some simple fairy tale to scare children at night. This was truth, and the cold, hard fact was now staring him in the face. Or rather the lack of a cold hard fact, as the barricade--the demon wall-relief slab--was now nowhere to be found.
% Well, he had it coming.
Finally, the delayed reaction of terror, having taken so long to anchor in Koketsu's body, and
% body, set in, and
he began to scramble backwards, his eyes darting to and fro, questing for
% 'searching' sounds better than 'questing'
the door and the way out of here. Something had happened to Hikari, but no matter what, he had to tell the priest. If Hikari was out there and safe, great; if not, he needed help to get her out of the predicament he'd now placed her in. His mind now being taken over by the gripping malaise of dread, he turned and moved to his feet, determined to see how fast his feet
% 'they' would be better IMO since you just used feet.
could carry him out of here.
butterflies, with black and coral pink on their wings. The flitted
% They flitted
That figure walked through the gate, as though stepping free of a vertical pool of water. Like a shadow she came through, a darkly featureless being that could only be discerned by the sickly pale half-light pouring out of what might have been eyes. Though there were
% 'was' instead, I think
"Well," she answered in a thoughtful voice, "my name is Hikage, I'm a hisa-me, and as for what I'm going to do with you...." The rest of Hikage's words were faded out as she mumbled the remainder.
At her introduction, Koketsu's comfort sank even further. She said her name was Hikage--"shadow"--and that she was a hisa-me, a demon of the netherworlds that was better known by the name Westerners used for their mythological equivalents: succubi. "What was that?"
% So she admits to it. Probably not completely evil then.
"I said, I don't know!" Hikage's voice, despite her frustration, sounded more like an annoyed schoolgirl than a succubus. "Okay, so I haven't read the manual yet! I admit it, I'm a screw-up, are you happy?" Taking a rather ominous step towards him, the featureless creature looked ready to kill, the silvery light in her eyes brightening with malicious intent. And she seemed to him every bit to live up to what she claimed to be, right up until the point where she tripped and performed a perfect face plant, with the butterflies taking to the air only a split-second before she impacted.
% Not very intimidating. Nosir. Not at all.
She turned to look at him, and he couldn't help but gaze, enraptured, into her face. A delicate beauty, she had short black hair that enhanced her face. In her incredibly cute face
% too many 'face's. perhaps 'enraptured by her features.'for the first and for the thrid 'Two innocent brown eyes showed no sign of bring...'
After all, wasn't it her older sister Kumori that told her she wasn't ready for an adult's task? After all, Hikage was just a little over 6000 years old, not even an adult yet, so where did she get the idea that she was ready to take on something as challenging and complex as a seduction capture? She didn't have the slightest concept of what that meant, Kumori pointed out. Nevertheless, Hikage knew that she was cute and that counted for a lot. She was absolutely she
% absolutely certain she
was, it was something she didn't want to think about. So, she thought that simply being nice was going to make that nice mortal guy--and he *was* cute, even though she would never let him do...whatever it was the book said she *should* let him do--but it didn't work. He wasn't going to give her his soul, no matter how nice she was.
% Not a very bright one here, no sir. Not at all.
Koketsu whistled in surprise. "I'm your first? I thought hisa-me were...well, made for this sort of stuff, y'know?" As he spoke the words, two things came to mind: one, why the hell was he still here, talking to this girl who a second ago was going to drag him down to eternal damnation? And second, why on earth had he never seen someone this cute before in his entire life?
% Boy. Hikari was sure forgotten about quickly.
When he said that, the gloomy look on her face seemed as though her heart would break; a part of him thought that his might as well, to see the pain that she was going through at the moment.
% DB: What about Hikari?
% Koketsu: Hikari who?
She sat there, silent for a couple of minutes, watching as her butterfly familiars left her shoulder and began to perform aerobatics in the air, trying to cheer their mistress up. Finally, after torturous minutes, she whispered, "I'm a failure. In a little while, I'm going to have to go back home through the hellgate, and
% don't think you need this comma.
Somehow, this much Koketsu understood. Standing up a bit to stretch, he helped her to her feet afterwards and said, "Look, Hikage-o-hisa-me...."
"Just Hikage," she corrected. "After this, I'll never earn the proper title of hisa-me. I'll probably end up as a nodera-bo, assigned to some lonely abandoned temple in the north."
% Better than ending up some Shikima's bitch. :)
Her cheeks flushed once more. "You do me more honor than I deserve, Koketsu-kun. You know, it's a shame I wasn't born a mortal--it would be nice to have a friend like you." A spirit of a different sort moved within her, and leaning up on her tiptoes, she planted a soft, chaste kiss on his cheek.
% And consumed his soul. "Oops!" Hikage said. "Forgot my kiss does that."
"Well, I'd better get going. The sooner I confess to everyone, the sooner I'll get it over and done."
He nodded in agreement, slightly reluctant to go. "Yeah, I'd better get going, too. I'm sure everyone's looking for me." Though his words implied his departure, the rest of him wasn't as eager to do so.
% Especially one part in particular:
% Mr. Happy: Do you think boffing her will consume our souls? I don't think so, and even if it does, it's a chance I'm willing to take. It's not like I give a damn if we got a soul anyway.
((What's wrong with me? Why am I not leaving? Has she woven a spell over me, after all? She said she didn't!))
He wasn't the only one wondering that as well. ((Why...why do I feel so funny?
% Butterfly familiar slipped down your shirt, dear.
I should go home, but...but I don't want to go. I feel so...warm, so...filled with light. What's wrong with me? What's happening to me?)) And all she could do was gaze at the boy who she had
% drop 'she'
The two stayed like this
% using 'that' sounds better to me
"You could have told me this earlier!" Koketsu yelped, unsure of what to do in the situation. He'd been in a couple of fights in his time, but that was just with the occasional school bully, not a bloodthirsty creature from hell wielding a four-and-a-half meter sword.
%Hah! wait until you get married. If you think this is bad, piss off your wife and you'll see. You could only wish you would be fighting a creature this wussy.
"Um, I think he was the seal, originally," Koketsu confessed.
"Then we're going to have to beat him together and find a way to seal the gate otherwise. We have to," she pointed out while they continued to barrel their way through the cavernous temple, which had somehow managed to become far, far more immense than he had remembered it being at the outset of this nightmarish misadventure. "It's out
% our
The action between the trio continued for quite some time, the three canvassing the oversized dimension of the temple in their battle for survival. During the conflict, Hikage determined that the expanded size of the temple was due to some sort of magic failsafe, a secondary prison meant to keep escaping demons bottled in until an exorcist could come to dispose of the problem.
% Makes sense.
"How...much longer...is that guy...going to follow...us?" Koketsu managed to sputter between gasps. After running for his and Hikage's life for what felt like hours, he was flagging in his strength
% in both strength and resolve (sounds better to me)
and resolve, every part in him
% part of him (again sounds better to me)
Maybe then they wouldn't even call him by that silly name "Komibo", and his true, fearsome name would shake all beings to their core.
All the world would tremble at the name "Panjii".
% Panjii?
For Hikage, that wasn't something that she could live with. In the past time she'd spent with Koketsu, there was something special about him, something that she couldn't put her finger on, but this much was clear: he wasn't a normal person. By all indications, yes, he was an average mortal, with nothing that no other of his kind couldn't had offered her, had she chosen one of them vice him.
% vice? Not sure what you're saying there.
But that's where the comparisons ended. There was something bright about his soul, a pure whiteness to it that echoed in her worse than her voice had echoed in him, a time that seemed so long ago.
She'd already decided that she couldn't take his soul--no one had a right to a soul as bright as his was. And if she couldn't take it, Komibo had no right to it either, nor for that matter, hers. Yet there was a part of her that wanted to take a part of his soul and make it hers, not in the traditional way a demoness would, but...different.
% It must be his mojo. :)
Koketsu was, despite his great soul, a mortal. Only one of demon birth, or the rare trained mortal,
% or somebody with a really big gun.
towards her. The blade exploded into a snarl of serrated bands, all stretching for her like a pack of voracious wolves. Tired as she was, there was no way Hikage could avoid the assault. The sawtoothed tentacles slammed into her with enough force to send her flying into the wall with a painful-sounding crunch, even as they worked their way around her. Within seconds, she was caught in the iron grasp of the ribbons, her clothes and skin being shredded off her body as rivers of red began to make their way down her sides. She screamed in agony, the pain too unbearable even for someone such as her.
% Nasty
Hikage looked
% Komibo looked
at her
% his
opponent, gleefully laughing at her as he began to pull her towards him. Despite her frantic efforts, she was still being dragged to Komibo's side and the bands continued to tighten as she struggled, carving that much more skin away, biting more into her flesh. Her body growing weak from blood loss and pain, her mind barely able to get above the red haze of miasma that she suffered, she
% suffered. She
knew that her life was soon to end. She had failed in her first assignment, and not only had she lost her honor and potential title, but now she would lose her life as well.
((I only wish that I could have died successful,))
% Oh, I think she's going to be successful in dying all right. ^_^ (Not!)
((No, no, no, no, *NO*!!!!!!!)) Koketsu screamed within in the confines of his mind, gnashing his teeth in order to prevent himself from making that loud thought into loud words. ((What is she doing? Why, Hikage, Why?))
((Because she's trying to protect you,)) another part of his conscience answered in challenge. ((Because she believes that you're something that you may not be. And if a demon can change her mind and protect you against your
% her
own kind, what exactly are you that can cause such a catalysm?))
% The hero.
Koketsu heard Hikage's scream and ventured a peek over the crate at what was happening. What he saw chilled his heart to the marrow.
% Err. Bones have marrow, hearts don't.
((What do I do now? This isn't the movies, where some sort of deus ex machina appears, a mystical sword that can save us all.))
% he thought as he moved some rune-covered sword with the name 'Stormbringer' on the side.
And that's when he heard it. Or rather, he didn't.
The room had gone deathly silent, everything stilled to nothingness as the whole filled with a blackness so deep that he felt that it would crush him in an instant. He could see nothing around him, a huge, vast space that appeared from nowhere, or he'd been sent to in
%to, in (I think)
His attention was drawn to the galaxy, as shapes seemed to crawl into being, a brighter set of objects overlaid on top of the swirling cosmic disc at his waistline. And those bright, ephemeral shapes turned into words, the meaning of which was cryptic, at best:
AMEFUTTEJIKATAMARU.
THIS IS UNDERSTANDING.
% Which is actually a crytpic statement. How ironic. :)
Oddly enough, Koketsu could feel the presence of the words, as if someone was standing next to him. It didn't feel like the touch of the kami, or anything so poetic or overdramatic; rather, it was like old friend,
% like an old
And when he opened them, he found himself right back where he was, still staring over the box, still watching Hikage in mortal danger, and with the brute that would murder her dragging her along as if she were a child's plaything. The situation hadn't changed; there was nothing he could do.
Or so went the conventional wisdom. The truth of course tended
% The truth, of course, tended
Forcing himself to ignore the kisei-denma, ran
% Koketsu ran
{{PLAYTIME IS OVER, CHILDREN!!!!!}} Komibo boomed, as his sword-whip grew another set of nine-tails.
% My, my, what a neat little weapon he has.
Hikage walked up to Koketsu, and though he couldn't see a mouth, he somehow knew she was smiling. Without saying a word, she told him, {{It's time for me to go, Koketsu-kun. I....}} The hisa-me paused in thought, reluctant to say something, maybe even reluctant to leave. {{Take care of yourself, ne?}} She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, her lips unnaturally cool, seeming to suck the heat from that part of his face.
% Later on he would learn it was frostbitten and his cheek had to be amputated.
He looked back at the temple once more and wondered if everything that happened to him really happened. A part of him wanted to go inside and find out if it was true, if Komibo still served as the barrier to hell, and if somewhere there was Hikage. But there was no way of knowing. The temple seemed foreboding now, as if it was saying, ((you have already learned what you came here for.)) And whether it was true or not, he certainly couldn't argue with what the edifice was hinting at.
((Besides, Hikari's going to be worried about me. I hope she made it home okay. And I'll bet my parents'll be wondering why I skipped school today, too.))
% Hmm. I wonder if there's some sort of catch.
As much as he appreciated the affection, things were a little too weird for his tastes. Moving her hand gently, he said in as gentle a voice as he could muster, "Hikari-chan? What's gotten into you? We were only split up for a bit, but I'm fine. Really, I am."
"The legend's true," she sobbed, "and I almost cost you your life! I *did* cost you a lot! How can you ever forgive me?" She glomped him, putting her head against his chest and began to cry uncontrollably once more.
% If he plays his cards right, he can get a little guilt-style action from her here. :)
"Hikari, I'm fine. Look! Yes, the rumor's true, but I made it out alive." ((Thanks to Hikage,)) he added mentally. "See? I'm no worse for wear than when we got separated last night."
"Last night?" Hikari looked up at him and there was terror in her eyes. "Koketsu-kun, you haven't been gone for a night--you've been gone for six weeks!"
% Thought so, though I figured it would be longer than six weeks.
that read HIKAGE. Koketsu knew how that got there, since it was in the same place where the hisa-me had kissed him, but while it didn't bother him, it was of grave concern to everyone else, who feared possession of Koketsu's life.
% Nah. Gal's just got his soul is all.
before he departed, the Shinto priest took Koketsu aside and explained, "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man. But I would think that after this, your bright soul has a most unusual ally. And remember the old adage is also a curse: may you live in interesting times."
% Yep. All too true.
Seemingly unaware of the notes, the teacher continued. "First of all, I would like to welcome back Koketsu after his ordeal. Regardless of what the origin of his disappearance was, he has been through a trying time, and I'm sure he's more than happy to get back to a normal life. Please bear this in mind." Apparently the teacher, noticing Koketsu's discomfort at all the attention, mentioned that as well to help. But, there was a look in his eye that indicated that he wasn't done with his opening words. Motioning to the door, he added, "Class, we also have a new student here, as well. I'd like you all to meet Miss Aino Hikage."
% Ah ha. Hikari is going to be one hacked off chick. Didn't think you'd take this route, though I knew it was a distinct possibility. Now if you want to throw people, you have Komibo show up in human form too to give Koketsu a hard time
It was *her*. Koketsu couldn't believe his eyes. There, standing in the indigo blue fuku that was the school's uniform, was Hikage, a being who shouldn't be on this plane. She raised her hand and waved, taking the time to utter a shy, "Hello." In doing so, she captured a dozen of the boys' hearts and earned jealous stares from the girls in the class. To say that she was going to be the most popular girl in the class, if not the school, was an understatement.
% That last sentence sounds cliche.I'd reword it as something else, dropping the 'was an understatement' for certain.
Hikari spoke up before he could answer with an "I don't know": "You seem to be overly friendly with Koketsu-kun here. I'd caution you to stay away. He's taken?"
"By whom?" Hikage inquired.
The other girl thrust a thumb in her direction. "By me. Now leave him alone and go flirt with someone else."
"Hikari-chan,"
% I'm dumping you. You just ain't got a succubus' looks. Sorry."
Koketsu said, trying to interrupt but to no avail. Both girls had already fixated on each other as potential rivals and targets.
"I'm not flirting. I don't have to. Koketsu-kun's soul belongs to me. I marked him, I'll have you know," Hikage announced in what sounded a bit imperiously.
Hikari's eyes narrowed, marveled at the nerve of the new girl. "So you think you're Koketsu's girlfriend or something? And what do you mean, marked him?"
% "I marked him too," Hikari said. "Gave him a nice big hickey. Beat that, slut."
"Girlfriend? Me?" Hikage's cheeks flushed red. "Well, I guess I never thought of it that way, but if that's how things work here, then yes, I am. And if you'll look at the mark on his cheek, it says my name. So there.
% Tattooed him. And later on, I'll beat him like the dog that he is too, just the way he likes it," Hikage threatened.
((Somehow, I think I'm in *real* trouble,)) Koketsu groaned inwardly. And he thought the day before was a trial.... ((Well, at least that demon Komibo won't bother me again. Now, how to deal with these two?))
% Sleep with both of them one at a time. Afterwards tell them what happened. They'll either accept the situation or beat you to death, but either way your problem is solved.
�
Somewhere on another plane, a kisei-denma sneezed. Thinking dark thoughts towards kids with unexplained powers, he wrapped his bruised arm. Those two, whoever they were, were certainly not normal mortals. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact
% I'd drop the 'In fact,' too much of a stock phrase. Use those sparingly.
gave up and ended-up as nodera-bo. But not he. No, he wasn't going to cave in. He was going to find another way out of here, and when he did, he would hunt down those two mortals and show them who was boss. He was a kisei-denma, and his destiny--and the right to display his proper name--would not be abrogated. No, in the end he would have their souls....
% sounds like fun. Heh. This was definitely an anime-style tale. Not really original with the ideas, but a fun enough read despite that. Good for an original work.
Hyochu (Author's Notes):
Well, my first original story in what seems like forever, at least about a year. I've written meta-fiction (what we in the fanfic world mislabel "original fanfics") before, but it was more for a personal exercise, or for classes; certainly not with the intent to "publish" it in the fanfic world. Regardless, this is a necessary step for me, one that I'm taking in various degrees as I evolve in my writing style and the subjects at hand.
Does anyone want to see a Hikage II? If so, let me know!
% Yeah. Sure. Hopefully would get to it earlier than I did this one.
% Nice work overall.
% D.B. Sommer