C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
This C&C is rated LIME. (Don't get it in your eyes.)
Why can't people write fics less than 70k? [sigh]
The Accidental Goddess
A Ranma 1/2 - Aa! Megami-sama FanFiction
By
D.F. Roeder
[...]
Disclaimers and acknowledgments at the end.
I like the foreshortened intro.
The less time to get to the story, the better.
A glossary of possibly unfamiliar Japanese words at the end.
Do my eyes deceive me? [blink blink] Guess I'll have to
start paying attention to the Japanese words again, to make
sure they're all present.
(And of course, you'll be adding this to all your past
chapters, right? [nudge nudge])
====================
Chapter 5 - Be it ever so humble...
====================
cap: Be It Ever So Humble...
(Capitalize the words of a title.)
The assembled persons, affianced and otherwise, stared at the four
people inside the magical chalk transport gate, who had just arrived
amid noise and bright light. Almost as one, their eyes gravitated to
the redhead hovering in midair, trying to find a hint of their
beloved, friend, rival, or student in the ethereal and beautiful
goddess.
The second sentence works well, but the first is just awkward.
Why "persons" and not "people"? It reads like the opening of a
legal contract...
GENMA: And we all know how much contracts should be avoided...
Furthermore, I don't know what a "magical chalk transport gate"
is. As the opening to a new chapter, I think this would benefit
from a little more description.
Ranma floated forward a bit, smiled weakly, and waved. "Um... Hey,
gang. What's--" A familiar, urgent gurgle of protest from her middle
echoed dimly in the training hall. "--up?"
RANMA-SAMA: And if anyone says the obvious pun, I'll have to Smite you.
URD: Note the capital-S Smite.
Abashed, Ranma put her hands over her stomach and bobbed slightly.
"Anou..."
GENMA: [grinning] Even being turned into a goddess will make no
dent in *my* training! Eat whenever you can, for you might
not know where your next meal may come from!
NODOKA: This is something to be proud of? [pokes stomach]
A collective sigh of relief echoed loudly in the hall, followed by
giggles and thankful laughter.
Too... sitcommy...! [writhes in pain]
[...]
"Ai-Airen..." Shampoo was still having difficulty with her instincts
telling her that Ranma was now a *woman*. She shifted her stance
uncomfortably.
SOUN: No longer preparing an Amazon Glomp, I see.
GENMA: Quite so. That's clearly the preparatory stance for
the dreaded Lesbian Love Nuzzle. Note how much her knees
are bent?
MOUSSE: Augh! RANMA!!!
[...]
Shampoo whipped her head towards her great-grandmother in surprise,
and Ranma almost fell out of the air.
Except, of course, she couldn't figure out HOW...
<She didn't call me
'Son-in-Law'?! I got a bad feelin' about this!> But before she could
chase that thought further, a particular figure stepped into full
view.
Cologne is grinning, choosing her words for "full effect," and
she just says Ranma? I have to say, with that build-up, I was
expecting a joke.
As it was, I was left wondering for what possible reason she
would be grinning? Does she delight in the fact that the male
Ranma is probably going to be stuck with a complete personality
breakdown?
"Akane..." Ranma whispered. Her eyes softened and she smiled. She'd
crossed a dimension waiting to see Akane's beautiful face, and Ranma
started floating toward her.
Hmm. The "her"s and "she"s are a little ambiguous, here, and yet
the second "Ranma" feels redundant.
suggest:
"Akane..." Ranma whispered, eyes softening. She'd crossed a
dimension waiting to see Akane's beautiful face. Smiling, she
started floating toward her.
Ukyou frowned. <He hasn't even said anything to me!> "Hey, Ranchan!"
Ever the no-nonsense girl. ^_^;
Ranma jerked to a stop, and an uncustomary annoyance flashed in her
eyes, but she sighed and stopped herself. <It's not her fault. I'm
gonna have to talk ta her real soon, or-->
suggest: jerked to a halt
(Avoid repeated "stop.")
[...]
"Errr, hey, Ucchan." Ranma smiled wanly. "What's up?"
"I... I'd say you are, Sugar."
RANMA-SAMA: [sighing] Don't say I didn't warn you...
UKYO: [blinks in confusion] R- Ranchan? What're you...?
[camera pans away from the screams]
BELLDANDY: Remember, there's a circle of hell for punners!
[...]
"Pigtailed... goddess..." The scion of Clan Kunou, momentarily
forgotten, staggered forward, his bokken slipping from his hand to
clatter on the floor.
Excuse me more a moment...
<fanboy mode> Oh, yesss!!! Kuno in vindicated!!! </fanboy mode>
[...]
"Now, Kunou..." Ranma warned and floated back a short distance.
URD: [claps hands happily] Your first worshipper!
Tatewaki abruptly launched himself through the air, and Ranma put up
her fists in a ready stance, her feet switching back and forth
beneath her.
GENMA: Foolish boy! You can't root your stance while hovering!
Have you learned NOTHING of midair combat?
The fight ended before it began because Tatewaki
disappeared from sight. Ranma blinked and looked down to see him
prostrating himself on the floor.
Heh. ^_^
"Oh, my pigtailed goddess!! Let me worship at your feet!! Let me
pray to your magnificence!! Fill me with your divine love that I may
whisk you away from these foul environs and show you my true--"
For Kuno, at least, you might want to capitalize "Pigtailed
Goddess." (He's certainly using it as a title.)
[...]
Ranma ground her elbow into his skull. "Don't you DARE pray to me,
Kunou!! I ain't NEVER gonna hear YOUR prayers, you SICKO, so forget
it!!"
URD: Well, you might not answer them, but as a goddess,
you'll always HEAR the prayers of your followers, no
matter where they are.
RANMA: ;_;
Unfortunately, Tatewaki wasn't out. Having not had the benefit of
the leverage from gravity or from falling from a height, the force
behind Ranma's blow was insufficient to fell the amorous kendoist
and almost sent her careening out of control. She quickly regained
control, but she didn't have long to enjoy it.
Personally, I'll attribute it to Kuno's unabatable passion for
his Goddess. No mere elbow to the skull can keep him down. :D
[...]
"Pigtailed girl, errr, GODDESS!!! I AM YOUR SLAVE!! COMMAND ME!!!"
suggest: er
(It doesn't sound like it should be drawn out, here.)
While most gawked at the spectacle of Kunou molesting a screeching
Ranma, Cologne pogoed over to the other arrivals. She yanked on
Urd's robe, and the eldest Norn looked down.
COLOGNE: It is beneath my dignity to "yank" on a Goddess' robe.
I'm perfectly capable of clearing my throat or tapping her
on the shoulder.
[...]
Cologne smirked at her. "Don't tell me you've forgotten me after
only eighty years, Urd-sama."
suggest: Don't tell me you've forgotten after
or: Don't say you've forgotten me
(Avoid repeated "<verb> me".)
COLOGNE: Unless it's "do me."
MALE CAST: [gag]
[...]
Urd blink-blinked and then stared. "Cologne-CHAN?! Wha-What happened
to you?!"
COLOGNE: Very tragic story. Trapped in prune factory for a month...
[...]
"Cologne! EEE! It's so GOOD to see you again!" Goddess and Elder
retired to the sidelines to chat.
suggest: The goddess and elder
[...]
"You're not the main course," he said, "but I could do with an
appetizer." Happousai buried his face in Kodachi's bosom and frotted
around.
I can't find "frot" in my dictionaries...
[...]
"EEEEEE!!! BROTHER!! RANMA-SAMAAAAA!!!" Ribbon flying, Kodachi
bounded around the dojo, trying to beat, pry, or otherwise remove
the unwanted attachment.
KODACHI: Am I a weak girl, unable to protect myself?
NO, I am the Black Rose! No mere pervert is my match!
(I have to say I can't swallow this characterization of a
helpless Kodachi.)
[...]
<What's going on in there? A war?> She blinked as she saw a panda
slink behind the far corner at the rear of the structure. <This
place is weirder than Belldandy's temple house.>
suggest: Belldandy's home.
(Calling it the temple house implies she has some other house.)
[...]
She took note of the positions of the Norns and waited for an
opportunity to enter unnoticed.
Can't the goddesses detect the presence of a demon?
[...]
"KUNOU! ARGH!! EEEK!!! DON'T TOUCH ME *THERE*!!!"
RANMA-SAMA: At least he's leaving me alone now...
AKANE: You stupid jer(AH!)k!
"MY GODDESS!!! I BEG YOU!! COMMAND--"
*WHAP!*
*BONK!*
*CLAAAAANG!*
"--MEEEeeee..."
This sort of trailing off whimper suggests being knocked into
the sky. As he's being knocked into the ground, an abrupt
end is more appropriate.
suggest: "I BEG YOU!!" ... "COMMAND M--"
Ranma jumped at the sound of a dull thud and looked down to see her
groper laid out on the floor, sporting lumps. Akane, Ukyou, and
Shampoo straightened, battle auras blazing and signature weapons in
hand, with Akane holding Tatewaki's forgotten bokken.
suggest: discarded bokken
(Obviously Akane didn't forget about it.)
Ranma patted the top of her chest with the flat of her hand, and
then started as she realized how feminine the gesture was.
Not that feminine at all.
Ukyou blinked at the battle spatula in her hand. "Where'd THIS come
from?!"
SHAMPOO: You pull it from bandoleer, like always.
You need a little bit more of an intro, here, if only,
"Hey, this isn't my normal spatula..."
[...]
"Really?!" Ukyou hefted it and swung it a few times. "It's so
*light*!" <Hmmm, that could be a problem, but better not say so to
Ranchan.>
Is that gravitational or inertial weight? [scratches head]
"Yeah, it's supposed to never need sharpenin' and I think it comes
back to ya if ya lose it."
Ukyou clutched the spatula to her and gazed adoringly at Ranma. "Oh,
Ranchan! You DO love--" Ukyou phased out for a few seconds, although
a blank smile formed on her face.
AKANE: Wh- Where'd she go?!
SHAMPOO: She sucked into different dimension! Is too, too tragic!
Shampoo help console Ranma over loss of fiancee... [rub nuzzle]
suggest: Ukyou's zoned out
or: Ukyou's eyes glazed over
"Ucchan?"
"Ukyou?"
"What wrong, Spatula-Girl?"
UKYO: Mine mine mine all mine!
Her eyes cleared, and Ukyou blinked at the faces peering at her.
"What just happened, Ucchan?"
suggest: "What was that, Ucchan?"
or: "Are you okay, Ucchan?"
("What just happened" is an awfully weird thing to ask.
Hell, it made me think she really *did* phase out.)
[...]
*GLOMP!* "Hiya, Ranchan. Did ya miss me?"
Not to sound like a pervert (which of course, I'm not), but
you're simply going to have to describe this scene. What
with Shampoo presumably clinging to Ranma's front, I can only
assume Ukyo went for Ranma's back...
Ranma's head whipped back and forth between Ukyou and Shampoo, both
of whom had taken to growling at the other.
...which makes this head-turning sound very painful.
"Girls! Look, let's have a nice cup of--"
"RAAANNNMAAAAA!!"
SHAMPOO: Need to melt her first.
[...]
The fiancees paid Ranma little mind as they continued to struggle
for dominance, low grunts and hisses accompanying their efforts.
Ranma began to panic under the pressure.
*ZAP!*
GENMA: [sighs] Premature enamoration. Don't worry, boy, it
happens to all of us, now and then. What? No, of course
it never happened to ME...
I can't help but think that Akane should have stuck with her
standard operating procedure and just knocked Ranma on the
head. No supernatural aphrodisiacal energies to worry about,
and with a little luck, she could have just pulled Ranma's
unconscious body away from the two bickering women. ^_^
The three struggling young women relaxed and turned their gazes to
Ranma,
GENMA: I don't think "relaxed" is the word you're looking for.
[pauses] No, "became excited" is much more appropriate...
who'd put her fists under her chin and whose own gaze was
darting between the three faces above her.
suggest: balled her hands under her chin.
or: demurely placed her fists under her chin
(Make it a little clearer that she's doing the "I'm-cute-so-
even-though-a-goddess-of-sex-should-probably-be-comfortable-
with-masochism-don't-hurt-me-look.)
With big kawaii eyes, she pleaded, "Oh, no. Please? No..."
glossary: kawaii
Three pairs of eyes began to burn with unbridled lust, and mouths
began to drool.
"... Oh... no..."
*POUNCE!*
"GAAAAHHHH!!! NONONONOOOOO!!! HEEEEELP!!!"
GENMA: Worthless boy. He's had plenty of training to avoid
three girls trying to grab him. Not to mention plenty of
experience!
Nodoka observed the tangle of bodies, Ranma not visible. "Ranma is
so manly!" She put her finger to her mouth and thought aloud, "Or
should that be womanly? Well, if that's the case, then... but what
about Akane... Oh, this has become so terribly confusing."
punc: what about Akane...?
(Question mark at the end of a question.)
Belldandy and Skuld, standing next to her, multiple-sweatdropped.
Belldandy sweatdrops? Isn't that one of those impossible
ingredients? "Collect a sweatdrop from the Goddess Belldandy..."
[...]
Kodachi made a turn midway down one side of the dojo interior and
swept past the still-standing Nodoka, Belldandy, and Skuld. Skuld
was closest, and as Kodachi bounded by, pounding on Happousai with
the handle of her ribbon, the free end of the ribbon wrapped around
the youngest goddess--
"URK!!"
--and pulled her along for the ride.
I think it's pretty clear now why you had Kodachi start to run away
from Happosai. However, I'd like to suggest that you could keep her
more in character and continue to use this scene merely by having
*her* chase *Happosai* from the start.
Instead of her yelling about him when they ran about, have him yell
about her.
HAPPOSAI: I'm-terribly-sory-lady-I'll-never-do-it-again!
KODACHI: Feel the wrath of Heaven!
URD: Eh?
[...]
Buried in a bush and getting his clothing and hair intolerably
mussed, Retsuji snarled and peeked out between the leaves. He almost
suggest: intolerably disheveled
[...]
Kunou cranked his head around and looked down into a pair of
bloodshot eyes framed in white-blonde hair. He frowned for a second,
wondering at a hint of sadness in the woman's yellowed sclera, but
the mouth below the eyes belched a cloud of whiskey breath, and
Tatewaki turned green, his one ounce of more subtle thought blasted
away.
suggest: yellowed eyes
(Sclera is a rather precise term I doubt many people know.)
[...]
"MADAM! Don't touch me THEEEERRREEE!! YOW!!!"
~~~~~
"ACK!! DON'T PUT YOUR HAND *THERE*! EEEE!!! NO, UCCHAN, I DON'T
Okay, "Don't put X there" has now officially been overdone.
I'd keep Kuno's and Ranma's (here) for the parallel, but
replace earlier instances with something else.
[...]
"WAAAAHHH!! Oooh, ye-- NO!! AKANE!! DON'T PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT!!
AAACK!!! UCCHAN!! NOT YOU TOO?!?! ... Oh... Oh... Oh, my Goddddd...
Yeah, yeah, we've seen all this before. Yawn.
Hey, where's Shampoo?"
She looked down to see a head of lavender hair in her lap.
"EYAAAA!!! NOOOO!!!"
Okay, now that's a little better ^_^
Ranma finally found the physical fortitude to disengage herself from
her suitors, and zipped up and away. She gawked at the feral grins
on the faces of Akane, Shampoo, and Ukyou, and her eyes bulged when
she noted that Shampoo had Ranma's metallic-green panties pulled
over her head like a showercap, the buns of her odango sticking
through the leg holes. Ranma belatedly realized that she was
completely nude.
We all knew that Shampoo is actually descended from Happosai, right?
"EEEEEE!!!" Ranma floated away and, unfortunately, down, backing
into a fourth pair of arms. The hands attached to those arms gently
grabbed her breasts, glowed slightly, and squeezed and massaged in
just the right ways. Assaulted by her own body's messages, Ranma was
frozen in physical indecision.
Good grief, why would she float *down*, where the girls might reach
her? Wouldn't it make more sense for her to continue up? Retsuji
could be waiting for her in the rafters.
[...]
*WHAMM!!!*
Why the double M?
Akane had called forth her weapon of choice and flattened Retsuji
with an extra-large hammer;
I'd argue that her "weapon of choice" (other than her hands and
feet) is her shinai. Failing that, Kuno did leave that bokken
behind...
[...]
"Hands off, BUB!" Akane cried. "That's MY property you're perving
with!!"
Someone's having fun making up words... ^_^
Ranma was stunned at Akane's words, and she was distracted by the
feeling of her insides going all gooey. Big mistake, as the other
two fiancees dragged her back down to the floor.
An obvious candidate for Ranma's "gooey insides" is Akane's
statement of ownership, but I'd like to think that an unromantic
and possessive comment like that wouldn't have that much of an
impact on Ranma.
No, I'm entertaining another possibility. Since it's painfully
clear that Ranma is going to become more feminine as a result of
her position, maybe it was *Retsuji* who made her go all gooey.
Ranma pouted at the unconscious form of Retsuji.
"But he was just getting started..."
I mean, he is a demon of *lust*. He's probably got some idea
what's he's doing. As complements and opposites of each other,
there's certainly room for a lot of sexual tension between him
and Ranma.
Plus, I find it a much more plausible way to get Ranma uptight
about his slipping masculinity. Better than the stereotypical
"only girls cry".
[...]
"MADAM!! Unhand the Kunou family's future glory!!"
KUNO: I'm sure the author meant to say *current* glory.
[...]
"Sugar, don't run off!"
"Ranma, come back here and take your pleasure, darn it!"
"Airen, you wait!"
I'd transpose the "Sugar" and "Ranma." The second line
sounds a lot more like something Ukyo would say than Akane.
Ryouga was still present in the dojo, but he was laid out on the
ground, his lifeblood seeping away, doomed to nasal ejection by
virtue of the four women who'd been going at it on the dojo floor.
His eyes gazed but did not see.
Doomed to being thrown out of a nose? Harsh.
suggest: doomed by nasal ejection, courtesy of the four women
or: doomed to perpetual nasal ejection
(Actually, I think I just wouldn't use "nasal ejection" at all. >_<)
[...]
Panda-chan chose that moment to peek in a window at the chaos. He
blinked, and then spied Nodoka standing in the middle of the storm.
He fidgeted, and then made one of the few truly altruistic decisions
of his life. Waving a sign that said <"I will save you, my wife!">
he bounded in through the window, short legs in a hurdler's
position.
GENMA: One of the *few* altruistic decisions I've made? What about
giving up ten perfectly good years of my life, just to train my
ungrateful clod of a son?!
When is Genma's cursed form called Panda-chan? The dub uses Mr.
Panda, so I'd have to assume the Japanese is Panda-san or Panda-kun.
He hadn't taken more than two steps before Kodachi landed on his
head, driving him to the ground. Fortunately, Skuld whizzed by
overhead and came to no harm.
This chase rapidly lost my interest. I reeks of newbie authors'
idea that "Hey, if you throw in more characters, it'll be more
interesting!" On the contrary, there's too much to keep track
of, and not enough time spent in any one place to keep my
interest.
[remainder of chase skimmed over]
Tatewaki blearily came to and then stared in awe at the sight of
Ranma wielding what could only be a weapon worthy of the greatest
swordswoman, someone fit to stand by his side and face the battles
of life. It didn't hurt that it was two of his favorite things
wrapped up into one. "Oh, my goddess," he whispered.
Clearly they were meant to be together. Even Dave can see that!
Mara only obliquely registered the threat in Ranma's voice; her eyes
were glued to the katana. Knowledge of weapons of permanent
dissolution was drilled into each and every demon, and the
Hoshi-no-Shinzou, the Star Heart, figured prominently among them
despite its centuries-long absence, as few entities could survive
sunfire. Seeing such a weapon in the hands of an untested trainee
first-rank goddess was not making Mara's day.
[...]
Urd rushed to the window. "Don't kill her, Ranma!" she yelled.
I'm thinking Urd should have said this a little bit sooner,
and with a LOT more emphasis, what with the doublet system...
[...]
"You're not wearing any underwear!" Happousai complained. "If you
don't wear any precious darlings, where's MY fun?!"
GENMA: He never seems to be too upset when Ranma's not
wearing a bra. Just climbs up, grabs a hold and...
[...]
Belldandy paused in unwrapping her little sister from Kodachi's
ribbon -- Kodachi lay on the floor, panting in exhaustion -- and she
and Skuld watched Urd as she tore at her clothing while moving
erratically around the room. Bits of goddess robe began to litter
the floor.
suggest: bit of robe
(What's differentiates a goddess robe from a robe? More
importantly, remove one of your fifty-seven references to
"goddess". ;)
[...]
Off to one side, Cologne shook her head and followed Kasumi as she
and Nabiki helped their father back into the house. <I could use one
of Kasumi's fine cups of tea.> She had a lot to think about
concerning the best way to approach Ranma. <A goddess, no less, for
the tribe. This has possibilities. Now, how to do it and in what
capacity? Hmmm...>
COLOGNE: Our own very goddess...
[thought ripple]
RANMA-SAMA: I now bless you all!
AMAZONS: [sounds of moaning]
RANMA-SAMA: Whoops. Guess it was a lesbian sex spell.
[reality ripple]
COLOGNE: Then again, would we really want Ranma as a goddess?
[...]
Hiroshi and Daisuke ran down the street, following Ranma's path.
"The view was nice."
"Indeed so..."
SOUN: Who do they think they are, making comments like that?
GENMA: How rude and self-centered!
[...]
"Ranma, don't perv to everybody else, just me!"
What, now "perv" has become an intransitive verb?
[...]
"Aloha, wahine!"
What, no translation in the glossary? :j
[...]
"You new student, no?" The man smiled larger than his mouth should
have been able to accommodate. Sizable, gleaming shears appeared in
both of his hands, and a point of light glinted off of his
sunglasses. "New Furinkan wahines get da BOWLCUT!
HAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!"
Gary's apparently the man to talk to about the Principal's
speech pattern (what, does he make a study of the guy, or
something?) but let me take a stab at it:
suggest: You de new student, yeah?
(For some reason your squote make me think of a French Shampoo.)
suggest: HA HA HA HA HA
(Didn't it appear written this way in Romanji in the original?)
Mara slowly shook her head and then started to open her mouth,
MARA: Honorable father [bows] I would like your permission
to marry your son, and carry him off to Nifflehelm as my
plaything.
[...]
The wall fell away to reveal a nude and scowling Ranma
covered in watermelon juice.
KUNO: That's not what I meant when I said "Let's Get Sticky!"
[...]
"... ung... eh? Oh, no..." Kunou-kocho's eyes widened at the trio of
armed women running up to him, who then promptly ran over him as
well, one of Shampoo's bonbori clipping him absently on the side of
the head. "... auwe... heh... ooooh..."
These repeated runnings-over got old rather quick.
GENMA: As a running tally: of the male characters appearing
so far, all of them have been knocked out at least once.
HAPPOSAI: Except me, of course. [cackle]
GENMA: You don't qualify as male, Master...
"Ranma, darn it! Come back and let me love you!!"
"I'll feed you, Ranchan, and then you can feed me!
YOWzaaaOOOh, my godddd!"
"Airen, you wait!"
suggest: Airen, you stop and boink Shampoo
or she will have to hurt you badly!
(Really, she needs variation in her dialogue.)
[...]
To Ranma's surprise, a ball of almost white fire shot out the end of
the sword as she lowered it, "EEP!" and hit the pavement below. It
left a bubbling pool of molten tar and asphalt.
gram: she lowered it. "EEP!" It hit
or: lowered it, and hit the pavement below. "EEP!"
(You can't just drop a quote into the middle of any sentence.)
[...]
Fortunately, no one had been standing near, but a white limousine
turned the corner and drove right into the puddle,
[splash]
RANMA-SAMA: If anyone so much as THINKS of putting
feathers on me... [grumble mutter drip]
the front tires
blowing out with two rapid bangs. Sweatdropping, Ranma watched the
chauffeur bustle out, look at the pool of tar and the destroyed
tires, look up at Ranma, and then hurry to the rear window, which
rolled down at his presence.
suggest a paragraph break here
Actually, a little more text, too. Presumably the
window was rolled back up before the door opened?
The chauffeur opened the door, and a
tall blonde woman in a flowing, white evening gown stepped out.
White flowers in a bunch, shaped like a bushy tail, erupted from the
small of her back.
suggest: A bunch of white flowers shaped like a bushy tail erupted
or: A bouquet of
(Less complex sentence structure.)
"Oh, mannnn!" Ranma sighed. "Is EVERY loony out 'n about today?!"
"Out and about"? What a regional term... ^_^
By the way, this reader agrees that there's
too many "loonies." Include fewer.
[...]
Confused, she dismissed her sword and took stock of herself as she
flew on. <Oh, no. She didn't use gas before, and I'm running low on
juice! Musta took a page from... Koda... chi's...> By the time she'd
drifted to the ground, she was barely conscious, nude, and sprawled
in the middle of the street.
Two figures came bounding up.
Her saviors, no doubt.
HI: Yeah yeah!
DAI: What he said!
[...]
"Oh, God! I can't believe I DID that!" Ukyou wiped her mouth on the
sleeve of her okonomiyaki vendor's uniform. "What'll Ranma think 'a
me now?!"
Ukyo's uniform doesn't have sleeves. ^_^
Shampoo ran her tongue around in her mouth. "Spatula-girl no got it
bad." She spat on the street, and then tugged Ranma's panties off
her head, blinking at them.
UKYO: I meant the thing I did with the spatula five houses back!
SHAMPOO: ...
suggest: "Spatula-girl no worse than the rest of us."
(After all, she *does* have it bad, and Shampoo knows it.
This is just a reference to their *recent* actions.)
[...]
Akane jumped. "WHAT?! It was an accident the first time! Um...
errr..."
Akane's vision was filled with two scowling faces with half-lidded
eyes.
suggest: Um... errr..." Her vision was filled
(Remove the paragraph break.)
[...]
"Why YOU in charge?!" The future leader of the Joketsuzoku was not
pleased at her rank in the apparent pecking order.
When did she become the "future leader"? Or is that just the
standard fanfic assumption? Another question is why Shampoo
doesn't do what she damn well pleases, as always. ;)
"What? Got a better idea, Hussy?"
"Ooo! Shampoo no forget not-nice Ukyou!" One more glare, full of
menace, and Shampoo bounded away.
suggest: Shampoo won't forget
(When is this set? Her grammar is getting
as bad as when she first arrived in Japan.)
[...]
"Oh, no... Kuonji Ukyou, you are officially a pervert."
GENMA: Yep, definitely not the girl for you, Ranma.
[...]
"Why is she covered in grass?" Daisuke asked. "Not that it matters.
She's still... uh... uh..." Drool threatened to spill out of his
mouth.
[...]
"Put it back in your pants! She needs help!"
RANMA-SAMA: The drool is coming out of his pants? >_<
URD: Can't say I've heard that euphemism, before...
[...]
"...guuuyysss..." she moaned, eyes still closed. "... baaaakaaa..."
This is a good argument for the use of English in English
fanfics. ^_^ I'll assume that your "baka" is really "bakas,"
but of course that's not really a word in Japanese, so you
stuck with "baka"...
MOUSSE: Just like if you make five clones of me,
you'd call all of us Mousse, not Mousses.
SHAMPOO: More than one Mousse? Is too, too horrible! [shudder]
If Hiroshi'd had a free hand, he would've bopped Daisuke again. "Up
the road, Dai!"
Hmm. I suppose this is a better solution than "had had," but
this sort of loose language is what I'd expect in quotes, not
the narration.
suggest: Hiroshi would have bopped Daisuke again, if
both his hands weren't already holding up Ranma.
"Aw, c'mon, Hiroshi! The dojo's a long ways away. Let's, er, let's
take her to my house and clean her up there. It's closer!"
DAISUKE: And I've got a waterbed!
HIROSHI: Who am I to argue with that logic?
You should be on the debate team!
Hiroshi paused to consider that, his eyes dipping down to the form
in his and Daisuke's arms. "Um..." Temptation was beginning to chip
away at his moral rectitude, brittle as it was.
My dictionary says rectitude is moral uprightness.
I suspect this is a redundant expression.
A growl echoed against the walls of the buildings lining the street,
and the sound of shoes smacking against pavement became audible and
rose in volume. The boys straightened and looked around to see the
head of an oversized mallet streaking towards them. It was the last
thing they remembered before becoming airborne and succumbing to
unconsciousness.
Is there any reason why she isn't using her fists or feet?
And if so, why weren't they malleted down? She doesn't
swing the thing like a bat; she uses it like... well...
a mallet!
[School for violent tomboys]
AKANE: Kick them away into the sky, or mallet them
unconscious into the ground so you can drag them away!
GIRLS: [nod]
[...]
Sighing, Akane hefted Ranma in a fireman's carry. "Ba-a-ka." She
looked once at the spiral-eyed Hiroshi and Daisuke. "Perverts," she
sniffed and hiked back up the road.
[blinks] Er... Did they "become airborne" or not? Now
it looks like she *did* mallet them into the ground...
[...]
Ranma blinked her eyes open to darkness. Wait, something was on her
face...
o/~ Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me! o/~
a wet towel. The towel was pulled away, and she saw several
faces hovering overhead. Urd's face muscled its way into the
foreground.
suggest: forced its way
(I dunno. That verb makes me think Urd has rippling
cheekbone muscles or something... ^_^)
[...]
"Next lesson, kiddo. Power runs out, and you don't want to be caught
flat-footed someplace you don't want to be."
RANMA-SAMA: That's a lesson?
suggest: If you don't want to be caught ... make sure you don't
run out of power."
or: If your power runs out ... you should <do this>.
or: Next lesson: What do do when your power runs out ...
[...]
"Your Mom and... I... er, washed you off." <I'm going to
spontaneously combust any moment now...>
What's embarrassing about that? Unless...
RANMA-SAMA: You've got a bit of spinach between your teeth.
AKANE: [blushing madly] Yeah! Spinach! That's what it is!
It's not grass or anything! It's not like we lick--
Nah, probably not.
[...]
Ranma's blush caused Akane to redden further. <If Ranma calls me a
pervert, oooo...>
Four zeros? Oh, a nybble!
suggest: ooooh
"Um... what happened to everyone else?" Ranma patted the bed next to
her.
Relieved, Akane hesitated for a second and then sat down.
Okay, that was just weird. "Sit, Ubu, sit!"
[...]
"Hmmm. What about Ucchan?"
Akane fidgeted and looked uncomfortable.
"What?! She okay?!"
AKANE: She's feeling wonderful...
[...]
Akane giggled, lightening the mood considerably. "Urd-sensei's been
talking about experimenting on him with some potions.
GENMA: Urd! No!
URD: Hah! Just try to stop me!
GENMA: I'm a married man!
URD: But you're so... virile!
GENMA: Yes, well that's true but-- [shakes head] No!
It's just the potion talking! It made me desirable
to all women.
URD: Yeah, who wouldda thought it'd work that way?
Ah, I'll worry about it in the morning.
Saotome-no-obasama's been lecturing him ever since you flew out of
the dojo."
glossary: X-no-obasama
("Obasama" is listed but not "no".)
Both girls laughed at Genma's plight, but it soon fell into a
somewhat comfortable silence. Ranma traced the lines of Akane's face
with her eyes.
Is there any reason that they're "laughing at Genma's plight"?
It seems rather cruel.
[...]
Gathering her courage, Akane opened her mouth to start the
conversation she'd waited all day for, but she was interrupted by a
loud growl from Ranma's midsection. <Of all the worst timing...>
AKANE: Stupid stomach! Interrupt ME, will you?
[hit hit hit hit hit]
[...]
Ranma nodded, and then had a thought. "Hey, what about the Kunous?"
If the plural of baka is baka, wouldn't the plural of Kunou be
Kunou? Consistency: another argument for English in-- [scoots
away from author's fists] ;)
"Kodachi just... left. I think she finally understands about your
curse, although I'm not sure she completely believes it yet." Then
Akane chuckled. "Saotome-no-obasama tossed Kunou-sempai out of the
house."
glossary: -sempai
[...]
A softly smiling Akane descended the stairway, towing Ranma, dressed
again in her goddess robes, by one hand like a toy balloon.
Ugh. That sentence is rather tortuous.
I'd suggest dropping a description or two and/or
splitting it into two sentences.
[...]
"Moshi, moshi! ... Hai. ... Hai. ... Arigatou, Cologne-san. I'll be
sure to tell him."
I don't think there should be a comma between the "moshi".
(Repeat comment throughout fic)
glossary: hai
(And don't say it means "yes"!)
[...]
*SIGH!*
I know you like your *DOUBLY EMPHASISED* sighs,
but does anyone *ever* sigh softly? ^_^;
"That was Cologne. She told me to tell you that Mousse is coming
over to send you to hell for casting spells on his beloved
Shampoo... or words to that effect."
suggest: She said that Mousse is coming
or: told me to warn you that
Akane and Ranma boggled. "Yeah, that sounds about right," Ranma
said. "Ah!" She slapped her fist into her palm. "Where's that
leather bag?! Dojo!"
sp: Doujou
(All further occurrences ignored. Another argument for... ;)
Ranma zoomed out of the house, across the yard, and into the leaning
practice hall, Akane trailing. They missed seeing Ukyou sitting in
the tearoom. "Ranchan! Hey... Well, darn it! ... Oh!!" She smiled
dazedly, her body moving slightly, images of onna-Ranma flashing
through her pleasure centers. She completely forgot about following
the real one.
TENCHI: Yeah, she's thinking "No Need For Ranma"
and "This Side Up"...
GENMA: And perhaps "Insert into slot C"...
suggest: tea room
(My dictionary says tearoom is an actual restaurant/cafe)
[...]
Puffing, Akane ran in and looked warily at the skewed building, wond
ering if it would stay up much longer. She turned her attention back
to a giggling Ranma.
line break: wondering
(Or at least hyphenate it.)
"What's that?"
RANMA-SAMA: It's a leather bag, duh.
suggest: "What's in the bag?"
[...]
Kasumi picked up her basket and proceeded to the clothesline in the
backyard, casting a concerned eye at Ukyou as she stepped out of the
house. Deciding to continue keeping the young chef under
suggest: Deciding to keep the young chef
[...]
Kasumi reached up and pulled Mousse's glasses over his eyes. "Konban
wa, Mousse-san."
glossary: konban wa
"Eh?! Oh. Kasumi-san. Good evening to you, too." He set Kasumi back
on the ground. "Sorry. I thought you were that foul Ranma."
If you're going to say "good evening" anyway, why the "konban wa"?
[...]
Kasumi smiled at him sunnily. "No harm done. Have fun playing with
Ranma." She turned back to her laundry.
[ZAP]
MOUSSE: Forget those women, Saotome. I'll show you what a
real man can do for you. After all, I am a master of...
hidden places. [wink]
RANMA-SAMA: Oh!
[...]
"RANMA!! PREPARE TO BE SENT TO--"
suggest: PREPARE TO--
or: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR--
(Good grief, who puts the passive voice in an imperative statement?)
[...]
Mousse smiled at Akane, then glowered at Ranma. "Saotome, if you
were half the gentleman I am, which apparently you're not, you'd
marry her and leave Shampoo alone, although Akane-san is probably
too good for you..." Mousse trailed off and pointedly looked Ranma
up and down. "You're really gorgeous today, Saotome. New look?"
suggest: half the gentleman I am, you'd marry
(There is no "apparently" about it, in Mousse's eyes.)
[...]
"That's what *you* think," Ranma muttered, then she said, "Catch!"
She tossed the leather satchel at the Hidden Weapons master.
cap: hidden weapons master.
or: master of the Hidden Weapons martial art.
Mousse caught the bag and immediately held it at arm's length. He
looked suspiciously at Ranma and then at the bag. He hefted it a
couple of times.
"Heavy."
Cute. :)
[...]
Slowly turning back, Mousse worked the tip of the blade underneath
the cord, and he began to turn it to bring the sharpened edge to
bear.
For what possible reason would Mousse continue to open the bag,
if he actually heard? Ranma's giving what amounts to a bomb
countdown. At the very least, he'd point the mouth of the bag
at her. (Since Ranma hasn't shooed Akane away, he knows at least
that it won't be an omni-directional explosion.)
[...]
With a jerk, he cut the cord.
RANMA-SAMA: I am not your cutting implement!
[...]
A huge mass of gleaming chrome, porcelain, and plastic welled up out
of the bag, hovered over a boggling Mousse for an eternal moment,
and then crashed down, burying the sight-impaired martial artist
under a twelve-foot pile of potty-trainers of assorted make and
color. One toilet seat rolled away under Kasumi's hanging laundry.
All that could be seen of Shampoo's hapless paramour was part of a
forearm passing through the oval of another seat and the hand
attached to it clawing at the air. After a couple of futile
graspings, the hand fell limp.
gram: grasps
(You don't turn a verb into a gerund
when there's a perfectly good noun...)
Akane gawked and then tipped over in a face-plant. Ranma was rolling
over in the air, laughing so hard she had to clutch her sides.
I might have found this funny if I weren't being turned off
by what feels like anti-male leanings to the story. As it is,
this just came off as one more excuse to annoy/hurt/humiliate
one of the male characters.
[...]
She looked at Akane on the ground and Ranma laughing. "Oh, my! How
many children are you two thinking of having?"
Huh? I missed something, here.
[...]
"If he ain't gone by bedtime, we'll help him out."
Akane looked strangely at Ranma.
"What?" Ranma asked.
"That's... awfully nice of you, Ranma."
How so? That seems like pretty typical Ranma behavior.
[...]
Ranma and Akane rushed over and moved their hands around the chef
without touching, trying to figure out what to do.
Huh? Moved their hands around her without touching?
What, are they casting a spell or something?
[...]
"WHAT?!?!" the other two screamed.
"UH... UH, WHADDA YA MEAN?! I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'!!" Ranma bellowed.
"RANMA?! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN *DOING* BEHIND MY BACK?!?!"
"NOTHIN', AKANE!! HONEST!!!" Ranma was wringing her hands, her
panicked eyes darting everywhere.
"AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE *THAT* WHEN SHE SAYS YOU
*DID*?!?!"
"AW, C'MON, AKANE!!"
"I SPEND ALL DAY WORRYING OVER YOU, AND NOW THIS!! HOW CAN I EVER
*TRUST* YOU?!?!"
The exclamation points already show that they're yelling;
you don't need all those capital letters. Capitalize a
sentence or two, or words in several sentences, but this
is overdoing it.
Ranma stared, hurt, and then clenched her fists, her arms straight
down at her sides. She squeezed her eyes shut and shouted, "BECAUSE
I WOULDN'T *EVER* *EVER* BETRAY YOU, THAT'S WHY, YA STUPID
TOMBOY!!!"
gram: betray you. That's
(Run-on sentence.)
[...]
"OH, RANCHAAAAANNNNNN!!!" Visions of multiple onna-Ranmas making
wild, passionate, and condensed love to her filled Ukyou's mind.
RANMA-SAMA: Any "just add water" jokes and someone dies.
"What the--?" Ranma and Akane stared, while Urd's eyes narrowed,
tasting the slight magical discharge in the air and remembering an
event in the Asgard Armory.
cap: in the Asgard armory.
or: in Asgard Armory.
"It's the spatula, Ranma," Urd said. "We need to get it away from
her."
RANMA-SAMA: Throw me the spatula; I'll throw you the whip!
AKANE: Hey, that's MINE!
[...]
"OOOHHH, MYYY GODDDDD!!"
sp: GOOOOOD!!"
("D" is a consonant stop. You can't stretch them out.)
[...]
"C'mon, you two. Let's separate them." Urd moved around to one side
of Ukyou and took hold of the handle at the top.
suggest: Let's get it away from her
(Otherwise, it sounds like pulling two people apart.)
Akane moved behind Ukyou and put her hands on her shoulders. Ranma
looked at her strangely. "If you think you're getting this spot,"
Akane said warningly, "you're nuts!"
suggest: and grabbed her shoulders
(Is this a form of restraint or support?)
suggest a paragraph break before the quote
(Otherwise, it initially looks like Ranma's talking.)
At first I didn't know what you were talking about; why would
Ranma want that spot? Later, I realized it's more like what
other spot would Ranma NOT want.
[...]
"Ah... sure." Ranma blushed and grabbed the spatula further down the
handle.
Again, you would benefit from a better description here.
*Where* is Ranma when he grabs the spatula?
"Now as soon as she's finished," Urd instructed, "we'll move."
UKYO: Ah... That felt so good!
URD: Now! Move!
[Urd and Akane run away]
RANMA-SAMA: Eh?!
UKYO: Oh, Rrranma! [grab squeeze peel]
[...]
"Hey! Where're you goin' with that?! That's MINE!!"
DAFFY DUCK: She may be a okonomiyaki chef,
but she's a HORNY okonomiyaki chef!
Ukyou tried to rise, but Akane held her down and then slipped her
arms around her, pinning the chef. Ranma let go of the spatula, and
Urd carried it out of the room.
suggest: but Akane held her down. When Ukyo tried to move
forward, she slipped her arms around her, restraining
the chef.
(What you've described is not pinning.)
[...]
"No! NO! NOOOO!!!" Ukyou burst into tears. "Ranchan GAVE it to me!
It's miiine... I love that... I gotta have... I NEED that spatula...
no... please..." She turned around and leaned into Akane, wailing
into her shirt.
Neat trick, seeing as Akane's got her arms around her, holding
her in place.
Is it wrong of me to be highly amused by Ukyo's reaction? ^_^;
[...]
Kasumi walked in from the backyard. "My, what was all the commotion
about?" She blinked at the distraught chef. "Is Ukyou-san all
right?"
KASUMI: Goodness! Someone spilled something
slippery all over the floor!
[...]
Ukyou buried her face in Kasumi's shoulder and shook. Kasumi rocked
her gently, and she began to quiet down.
HAPPOSAI: Does anyone else realize that Ukyo's copping free feels
with all this "hugging"? All those visions of hot two-girl
action must've unhinged her...
Akane shook her head at the effect Kasumi seemed to have on people.
Huh?
[...]
"What's she saying, Ranma?" Akane asked, as she sat next to the
goddess.
RANMA-SAMA: Something about a menage-a...
What's the French word for nine?
[...]
"There was an intense pleasure trigger imbedded in the spell that
Svava cast on the weapon, keyed to the weapon's owner. I can only
guess that since Ukyou is your friend, you unconsciously thought,
uh, good thoughts and your untrained sex magic locked onto it,
adding a thread to the matrix."
punc: good things, and your
("And" is separating two complete clauses here.)
[...]
"I also remember what--" Ukyou choked, then continued, "--what you
said to Akane. I should brain you.
UKYO: But I'd need my spatula to do it, and you took it from me,
you bastard! Fortunately, I'm willing to forgive you. Just
give me the spatula back.
You're supposed to be MY
fiance... but I don't feel like it right now. We WILL be talking
about this later, Ran... ma."
Okay, I'm not going to go back and check the pronouns Ukyo's been
using for goddess-type Ranma, but if she's been using the female,
then you should probably use "fiancee" for Ranma.
By Ukyo dropping the Ranchan, I'm getting the impression that
she's dropping him as a *friend*, not as a fiance. After all,
"Ranchan" is her kiddie nickname for Ranma.
Ukyou sighed at the sight of the dejected girl. "Will you..." She
paused, looking at Akane. "Will you and Akane walk me home? I don't
feel so good."
UKYO: It must be withdrawl. Don't you know that quitting
cold turkey can be dangerous? I need to gradually back
off. Just give me my spatula back.
Ranma's head snapped up, and she searched Ukyou's eyes for the
forgiveness she'd heard in the voice; it was there, in part. Turning
to Akane and seeing a smile and a nod, she unexpectedly found
herself in the middle of a battle with her emotions. A part of her,
a *strong* part of her, wanted to hug Ukyou and cry. <Gah. A *girl*
thing.>
/me rolls his eyes.
Another part of her was panicking. <Slap her on the back! Ucchan's
your buddy! Ya don't hug your buddy!>
Nothing's stopping him from doing both. :j
[...]
"WHAT are you DOING, BOY?! AKANE'S your fiancee, not the CHEF!!
DON'T CRY!! IT ISN'T MANLY!!!" Genma's eyes slid over to a frowning
Nodoka, mistaking the target of her displeasure. It was unfortunate
that he took his gaze from his child and missed the giant, glowing
mana mallet that suddenly formed in her hands.
GENMA: So let me get this straight. I just said out loud the
VERY SAME thing that Ranma was thinking, and I get hit for
it? Hello?
"BAAKA OYAJIIII!!!"
glossary: baka
[...]
"Uh, Ranma?" "Ranchan?" "Ranma, Dear."
Put 'em on different lines, or spread these quotes out
a bit, to make it obvious there are multiple speakers.
[...]
Akane pointed at a crook-eyed Genma on the floor, a few loose teeth
wobbling in his open mouth.
You can't tell me this isn't Genma bashing. He's done much
worse in the comics and never gotten as cruel a retaliation.
[...]
The twilight was quickly fading to night as Kodachi made her way
back to the family estate. She was not bounding across the rooftops,
as was her usual wont, but strolling on the sidewalk, lost in
thought.
suggest: As twilight quickly faded to night, Kodachi
("The twilight" sounds weird in this context,
and let's make that passive verb active.)
<Ranma... and the pigtailed girl... are the same person? Surely not,
but the others... calling her Ranma and chasing her like she was.>
They're all insane, Kodachi. You know it's true.
[...]
"How did you... I *see*. The water does this, as it allegedly does
with Ranma-sama?"
punc: How did you...?
[...]
"...Hmmm..." She moved Ryouga closer to her face and bored into his
wide, expressive eyes with her gaze. "Come along, Hibiki-san. I wish
to know *all* concerning this magic that afflicts you and Ranma-sama
so."
suggest: to know everything about this magic
Lowering him and holding him from his bandanna like a purse, Kodachi
scooped up the empty clothing, grimacing at the dirt and grime.
It's gonna be pretty painful if she tries to slip that bandana
over her shoulder with him still in it. Or did you mean like
a suitcase? Handbag? Lunchbox? (Western or bento-style, with
the wrap.)
"My word, Hibiki-san, do you never launder your apparel?"
RYOGA: [thinking] What's she talking about?
I just got it washed.
Shaking her head, Kodachi made for home with something of a spring
in her step, swinging Ryouga from side to side, forgetting, for the
moment, that he wasn't a purse.
And now, the sequel to a "Tale of Ten Yen":
KODACHI: Where did I put that spare change? [rummage rummage]
P-CHAN: [muffled squeals of pain]
[...]
Urd sat at the table, mulling over a number of issues, when she
heard the front door open and two voices call "Tadaima!" She eased
to her feet and padded across the room, listening to the tail end of
Ranma and Akane's conversation coming from the entryway.
gram: She eased herself to
("Ease" is a transitive verb.)
[...]
"That you won't... *that* with any of them!"
suggest: you won't do... *that*
or: you won't..." Her next words were muffled. "*That* with
[...]
"What?! I don't see anything!" Akane said.
suggest: What? What is it?
(Since when is "I don't see anything" a response to "Stop!")
Putting her arms down, Urd breathed in relief. "Don't say the
P-word."
P-CHAN: [weep]
[...]
Shrugging, Ranma said, "Okay, I prom--"
"GACK!"
Unless that's Urd GACKing, that quote belongs up with the
previous sentence.
[...]
Ranma nodded, and Urd took her hand away. "At least not until I
explain this to you. It's an important bit." <Thanks, Bell. *WHEW!*>
What did Belldandy do? Don't reference things out of context.
[...]
Kasumi motioned Akane to help her in the kitchen. Akane stood in
indecision; anything that affected Ranma, she wanted to know about.
However, she couldn't be rude to her eldest sister, so she entered
the kitchen.
AKANE: It would be RUDE for me to not make dinner,
after you asked so politely.
KASUMI: But I--
[...]
Plopping at the table, Ranma looked balefully at her sensei. "What's
it this time? Can't wear white panties on a full moon?"
RANMA-SAMA: Not that I wear white panties in this getup, anyway...
suggest: What is it this time
(It feels like this sentence would be drawn out.
Ranma's clearly exasperated.)
[...]
She was stopped from beginning as Akane walked in from the kitchen
with a tray of tea things and some coffee for Ranma. She set the
tray down and served Urd first, as was proper for a guest. She then
picked up the cup of coffee to place before Ranma.
Uh, what is this, Miss Manners? ^_^
You hardly have to say "as was proper for a guest".
[...]
Akane sat down and poured herself some tea. Their interplay hadn't,
of course, gone unnoticed.
suggest: Of course, their interplay
(Why break the flow of the sentence by
dropping a clause into the middle of it?)
[...]
Urd jumped and looked over her shoulder at Kasumi, who was walking
in with her own teacup and saucer. <She's as sneaky as Bell is
sometimes.>
BELLDANDY: Which is to say, never.
KASUMI: Of course. I'm sure she mean "quiet".
BELLDANDY: Naturally. Guileless women such
as ourselves would never be sneaky.
KASUMI: Naturally.
[...]
"This Rule has to do with promises and, by extension, contracts."
Isn't that backwards? The rules apply the goddess contracts,
and by extension, the more general case of promises.
"GAH!" Ranma presented warding signs. "I've had EEE-nough of
promises with Pops around!"
The women laughed.
UKYO: And what about your promise to take care of me for the
rest of my life if my secret sauce was good?
AKANE: And what about that IOU you gave the Gambling King
for OUR dojo? Do you remember any of the promises *you*
give?
Genma bashing. :(
[...]
"My word, how you phrase things seems very important," Kasumi
observed.
"That's it exactly. Thank you, Kasumi-san." <And thanks for the
save!>
Huh? What save? All Kasumi did was clarify.
"So what do I do?!" Ranma was panicking a little; someone was always
wanting something from her.
suggest: someone always wanted something from her.
[...]
"Moshi, moshi! Tendou desu," echoed down the hall. "Hello again,
Cologne-san... Mousse? Well, it seems that Ranma and he..."
glossary: desu
[...]
A strange sound and a gasp came from the hall. Ranma and Urd leaned
over and saw Kasumi holding the receiver away from her ear. The odd
noise was coming from the handset, and it was unmistakably the sound
of an old woman laughing hysterically.
Women laughing at the men is getting old. To say nothing of
hysterical laughter being out of character for Cologne. She
never more than chuckles (cackles?)
[...]
"Ne? Please? Remember the return-to-owner part of the spell."
glossary: ne
Ranma sighed. "Okay, okay." Ranma floated up from her place and
soared out of the room, waving at Kasumi as she went past.
RANMA-SAMA: Uh, I've got bad news... [scratch head]
SIGN-ON-UCCHAN'S: On Vacation
[...]
Urd watched her walk out of the room. <Well, that was easy!>
Checking to see that Kasumi was still busy with the phone, Urd
reached into a pocket inside her robe and pulled out a handful of
vials. Selecting the one she wanted, she put the others back.
Carefully reading the label to be sure, "Urd's Special Love Potion
No. 17," she nodded and broke the top off.
At what point in Oh! My Goddess! does this take place?
Hasn't Urd gotten over these proclivities, yet? :j
[...]
"Hello, Akane-chan, Urd... san. Oh! I'll just go get a cup out of
the kitchen." Nodoka began to walk off, but stopped when Akane rose.
Urk. Context! Context! Have Nodoka walk into the room before
she leaves, or at the very least have her see/mention that they're
having tea and there are no spare cups.
I got seriously confused reading that paragraph. A problem when
you start putting more and more characters into a situation.
[...]
Nodoka beamed. "Why, thank you." She took Akane's place at the table
and picked up the cup, taking a sip. "Just right! You're very
considerate, Akane-chan."
Urd had her hand out, a panicked look on her face. "Uh...!"
suggest you insert Urd's action before Nodoka's "Just right!"
"Is there a problem?" Nodoka asked. Akane looked at Urd strangely
again as she walked out of the room, passing Kasumi coming back in.
"Uh... No, heh, not at all." Urd lowered her hand. <Oh, boy. I hope
it's her husband she finds attractive right now.>
How does attractiveness fit into lust and loss of inhibitions? ;)
NODOKA: Oh... I'm feeling quite... [pulls out katana]
I really shouldn't do this in front of you all, but...
[Replay Ukyo scenes here]
Nodoka shrugged and took a lengthy sip, and then another, her eyes
unfocussing slightly.
suggest: slightly losing focus.
[...]
"Wha--?"
"HAHAHAAAA! Too slow, Boy!" Genma stood, proudly holding Ranma's cup
up. He still displayed a little evidence of the malleting he'd
received earlier.
And Genma saves the day! ^_^ And after all that abuse...
He's so good to these people. [sniffle sob]
[...]
Ranma was glowing. "BAA-AA-KAAA OOO-YAAA-JIII!!!"
I know you use ba-a-ka as a nonstandard way to draw out
the vowel sound, but in this context, it *really* looks
like three syllables (when put next to o-ya-ji, where
the hyphens *are* syllables). Was this your intent?
If not, I'd drop the hyphens from OOOYAAAJIII, so as to
remove the parallel, and treat it the same way you treat
all your other (non-baka) words.
[...]
Genma felt feverish. How is it that he never noticed how well formed
Ranma was? The large, juicy, creamy mounds of-- <GAH!! Old fool!
That's your child! I wonder where--> and he saw her.
"No... chan..." he whispered.
He glanced back at his daughter. "Yes... Chan..."
He knew from experience that she also
had large, juicy--
^o^
[...]
"Ne... No-chan. I need to, ah... *speak* with you for a bit...
*upstairs*."
suggest you drop the "Ne..."
(In this context, sounds like he was about to say someone
else's name, before correcting himself to "No..." ;)
[...]
To Ranma and Akane's amazement, Kasumi's mild embarrassment, and
Urd's chagrin, Nodoka practically trotted out of the tearoom, Genma
hot on her... heels. They could hear their feet treading the stairs,
quickly walking across the hall and into the guestroom, and the door
slamming shut.
What, no disgust? I thought for sure from Ranma...
The four remaining looked at each other, except for Urd, who had her
head in her hands.
RANMA-SAMA: What're you lookin' at me for?
It wasn't my fault this time!!!
"What... just happened?" Ranma asked, a warble in her voice.
[Moaning sounds above. And bed squeaking.]
RANMA-SAMA: Nevermind.
[...]
"OOOH-HO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!! You two needed... and *need* an icebreaker."
RYOGA: Why didn't you just use... [poses dramatically]
Ice Breaking Point! [pokes Urd in the forehead]
[...]
"If you ever want to market that stuff, let me know."
"ERRRK!" Urd face-planted.
That's not face-plant material. Actually, has Nabiki's
tendency to pop around corners ever startled anyone?
[...]
"Don't worry." Nabiki patted the goddess on the shoulder. "Maybe
both of them will quit being so stuffy about things now that they're
getting laid." She shuddered at the thought of someone actually
doing *that* with Genma. She pushed the image aside.
NABIKI: [thinking] Why did it have to be someone
else? Why couldn't it have been me? [sob]
[...]
"Oh, and by the way, Nabiki-san, you will probably have a visitor or
two in the next few days."
NABIKI: [hands on hips] And how is it that
you're so familiar with my period?!
[...]
Urd smiled at her. "I wouldn't worry. It obviously wasn't your
fault. You shouldn't have been able to do that, anyway, so it'll be
okay, I'm sure."
NABIKI: Riiight. [thinks] I'd better leave before they discover
the extent of my hacking skills. Bleach my hair... Maybe change
my name. I've always liked Russian names...
"I... see." <But not absolutely sure.> Nabiki stiffly turned and
walked slowly out of the room, a fine sheen of sweat becoming
visible on her forehead.
Never let them see you sweat!
Urd sighed and said to the room, "I need a drink."
KASUMI: Would you like a Poccari...?
[...]
Urd downed the small bottle in one slug. "Ah! That's the stuff!" She
then sidled up to the eldest Tendou daughter, sensing fresh fields
and smiling slyly. "So, Kasumi-san, tell me about this doctor friend
of yours."
KASUMI: He's dashing and thoughtful and helpful. Oh, and
his face is stiched together from two pieces... [sigh]
URD: ...
[...]
An hour or so later found Ranma, stomach finally appeased, and Akane
standing in front of the door to Ranma's room. Suggestive sounds
could be heard emanating through the wood.
suggest: the door to the guest room
(It's the term you used before, and it avoids the repeated "Ranma")
"Gah. NOW where am I gonna sleep? Bleah. I can't imagine my folks
doing... THAT."
MALE VOICE: Hey, not so rough with the spurs!
FEMALE VOICE: You want another taste of my riding crop?
[...]
Nabiki sauntered by on the way to her room and smirked when a
muffled cry of passion filtered into the hall. "You two taking
notes?"
"No way!" Ranma cried.
AKANE: [scribbling] Riding... crop...
[...]
Akane grabbed Ranma's hand and almost pulled her off of her feet.
"Ranma can sleep in my room!" <I'll be darned if I'm gonna let
him... her be pawed by Shampoo during the night!> "Especially after
the dojo!" she exclaimed aloud.
"Huh?" Ranma asked.
AKANE: Uh... That is... Especially after the dojo was nearly
demolished. Yeah, that's it! Good recovery Akane. He'd
freak if he you you planned to boink her brains out.
RANMA: [freaking]
AKANE: Uh, I thought that out loud, didn't I?
"Um... Never mind!" Akane pulled a confused Ranma into her room and
shut the door, the lock still broken from Ranma dragging Akane down
to breakfast that morning.
For anyone who remembers that far back. ^_^;
[...]
"Here's your one freebie for the week. Tell Ranma that Mousse and
*all* of the potty-trainers are gone." She smirked as she padded
towards her room. "Have fun, you twooo," she warbled before shutting
her own door.
Lost me, again.
[...]
While Kasumi continued to talk all around the subject of one Ono
Toufuu-sensei, never quite getting to the point, Urd fought off the
urge to nod off while standing. She felt something tug at the hem of
her robes and looked down at the mini-Urd, who was making a face at
her.
glossary: -sensei
"Grrr," she grumbled, sotto voce, but nodded, and the mini-Urd
rejoined with its host. She accessed the mini's memories and smiled
at the image of Ranma and Akane going into the bedroom.
suggest: she grumbled under her breath
(I know from your response to my C&C for part 4 that "sotto voce"
is a "common" operatic term, but that still makes it jargon to 99%
of your readers...)
"--and there's the wonderful pro bono work he does for the elderly
in the community. Such a great heart, and he also--"
GENMA: Pro whatto? Where's the Italian dictionary? [flip flip]
"For free?" They have a term for that? Geez, what's the point?
Everything's free if you're fast enough. ;)
[...]
"Um..." Urd reread the list: 1) Girl-Girl; 2) Girl-Boy; 3) Boy-Girl;
and 4) Boy-Boy. "You don't think?"
"Unlikely. I don't think Ranma, even as a female kami, is
psychologically flexible enough to override the standard male, peer
social conditioning against same-sex intimacy."
RYOGA: That's enough of this female bias! Do you find men disgusting
or something? Why, I *demand* that you have a male-male scene.
After all, you're *making* Ranma accept everything else that has
to do with being the Goddess of Sex. You can't leave that out,
just because you don't want to. [nods emphatically]
[thinks] Heh. That'll show that bastard Ranma!
[looks up] R- Ranma, what're you doing here?
BOY-TYPE-RANMA-SAMA: [growling] Just remember that you *asked*
for this, you perv!
RYOGA: Wh- What? N- No, I didn't mean-- Not with me!!! ^o^;;;
BOY-TYPE-RANMA-SAMA: [peeling off Ryoga's clothes] Just relax
and we can get this over with.
RYOGA: Wh- What do you think you're doing back th-- YAOW! eee...
I would like to apologise for that bit of tastelessness.
Needless to say, it's all Dave's fault.
BOY-TYPE-RANMA-SAMA: You know, that wasn't so bad...
RYOGA: help me...
[...]
"R-Ranma, you p-pervert!" Akane was beet red. "Put something on!"
"Huh? ACK!!" The goddess hovered there, placing her hands over her
unmentionables. She looked around in a panic and then zoomed into
Akane's turned-down bed, quickly pulling the sheets up to her neck.
"Sorry."
I begin to see just how cunning Akane's plan is. [strokes chin]
[...]
"Sorry, Ranma," Akane giggled again, "but that was just so *you*. No
feminine modesty whatsoever."
o_O What's she talking about? If she had no feminine
modesty, she *wouldn't* have jumped under the covers!
[...]
"Ewww, Akane. Get real." Ranma mimed gagging by poking a finger into
her open mouth.
suggest: poking a finger into her mouth
(That already implies it's open.)
URD: Alright! Working on girl-girl,
and already practicing for fellatio!
GENMA: Damned italian words... [flip flip]
URD: [licking lips] Would you like a demonstration?
GENMA: Uh [blush] Sure, why not.
URD: [offstage] In you go.
RYOGA: [crying] I don't want to do this!
Remember, folks. I warned you not to read this C&C at the top!
[...]
"YOU... BWAAAHAHA!! YOU LOOK SOMETHING OUT OF THE ARABIAN NIGHTS!!
HAAAAAHAHAHA!!!"
RANMA-SAMA: But why am I dressed like Jafar? ;_;
AKANE: The moustache is a cute touch!
[...]
"Do you want to see?" Akane asked in a small voice. Her head was
lowered; she couldn't look Ranma in the eye. <You better say 'YES',
you baka!>
<Oh, crap. Make ME look like the pervert! Well, I told myself I'd
clear this up, so I guess it's up ta me.>
Ranma tensed. "Y-Yes, Akane. I'd, uh, like to... if ya want."
RANMA-SAMA: I mean, who am I to complain if
you wanna prance around a bit? [grin]
AKANE: "Prance around"?! I think you've mistaken
who the show horse is around here, missy.
Akane nodded, letting out a small breath, and hesitantly began to
disrobe. Ranma's eyes bulged a little more with each button or
zipper.
suggest: button and zipper
[...]
Nabiki rolled over on her futon and put a pillow over her head.
Nabiki has a bed. ^_^
[...]
"Huh?! Me?! HAHAHAAA! No, Kasumi-san, I'm not. Can you imagine
someone like me being married?! Not gonna happen, heheh."
She had to say it. [hangs head] Well, so much for a single Urd.
[...]
Urd glanced up at Kasumi's warm eyes and smiled. "I was interested
in a cherry-tree spirit once. Darn Golden Peach. Well, he ended up
being a loser, anyway."
She said, fingering a certain ring...
[...]
"... Oh." <Darn.> "Try to get some sleep, Ranma." <Akane, you are
*such* a chicken!> <Shut up!> <You LOVE Ranma, chicken heart. DO
something about it!> <SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP-->
RANMA-SAMA: You haven't gone scitzophrenic on me, have you?
AKANE: No, of course not! Chicken. Shut UP!
[...]
"WAAAH!! Bell's got Keiichi! Skuld's gonna grow up cute as a bug and
have guys hanging off her! I got NO-BO-DYYY!" Urd bawled out and
banged her head on the table.
I don't know if he's gonna end up a recurring character, but the
currently translated comics have Sentaro as Skuld's sort-of boyfriend.
So she's *already* got someone!
URD: [bawl]
Not that Urd has to worry. She could have any
number of fanboys by her side at the drop of a hat.
URD: [wail]
[...]
"I ain't THAT picky. Really! I'd even take a woman. I'm flexible!
WAAAHH!!"
Flee! Run, Kasumi, run! Before it's too late!
KASUMI: Um, how flexible are you?
Kasumi started, and then breathed out. <She's not talking about you,
silly.> "I'm sure someone will come along when you least expect it."
Urd pulled her head up and sniffled. "You think so?" she asked
plaintively.
[sniffle] This is such a Tsubasa moment. [points at Urd's hands
clasping Kasumi's, and the longing, happy expression in her eyes]
[...]
Kasumi giggled. "That's okay, Urd-san. I suppose if you were, it
would be flattering, but I, um... Oh, dear. Did I say that?" She put
her hand up to her mouth. They looked at each other and burst into m
ore giggles.
Another weird line break on "more."
After they calmed down, Urd said, "Well, I suppose I'm off to bed.
Um... Well, I thought I was. The Saotomes are still going at it in
the guestroom, ne?"
They could still hear assorted noises coming from upstairs, most of
them suggestive.
GENMA: Let this be a lesson! Martial arts gives you ENDURANCE!
NODOKA: And ten years of abstinance gives you ENTHUSIASM!
[...]
No, she hadn't led the most exemplary of lives, she supposed, but
neither had Ranma. <But Ranma has a good heart, and you've certainly
taken advantage of that fact often enough. Do you have a good heart?
She could probably get one on short notice... ^_^
[...]
Kasumi laughed lightly. "Perhaps a little, but I was thinking of...
dead, maybe. Father has been so miserable since Mother died.
Well, he's been doing pretty well since the Saotomes arrived.
Genma had no doubt been filling the hole in Soun since his wife
left...
[...]
"Long time, Kasumi, in one sense. Long time, but not in this current
incarnation."
suggest: A long time
(Indefinite articles are your friends!)
[...]
"Well, so am I," Urd chuckled, "but I'm not done for, yet. Maybe...
maybe the All-Father will smile on me someday." Urd rolled onto her
side to look over at Kasumi's form on the bed. "And what about you?
The doctor?"
suggest: Father
(My memory is notoriously bad, but I don't recall you using the
term "All-Father" before. I'm sure it hasn't appeared in the
comics.)
[...]
Kasumi considered her stalled situation. "Thank you, Urd. I believe
I could use the help."
[smacks head] You're getting help on romance from the person who's
had no luck herself, and tried to DRUG Ranma and Akane earlier in
the evening! Meanwhile, the friggin' Goddess of Sex is practically
your in-law!
[...]
"YOU DISAPPOINT ME, RETSUJOUKI."
Is is just me, or are there three more letters in his name, now?
[...]
"OUR GOOD INTENTIONS MUST SHINE FOR THOSE WHO TREAD THIS PATH. START
SCRUBBING."
Cute. :j
[...]
She had intended to give him room and board for the night in thanks
for divulging some of the more onerous tidbits of having... <What
did he call it? Ah, yes. A Jusenkyou curse.> But she had turned her
back once, and Hibiki was gone, nor could she find him upon the
estate.
At least he had fed Mr. Turtle on the way out;
he hadn't been hungry when she brought out dinner.
[...]
She started, pulling her fingernails away from her teeth. "Or
perhaps not. I do not recall the pigtailed harlot acting in any
manner but that of the most poorly socialized tomboy," she said to
the open window. "It truly has been you all along, hasn't it,
Ranma-sama?" She sighed. "And now, it appears this curse has claimed
you even further. A kami!" She smirked to herself. "Best not to
think too closely upon what field of endeavor your nascent divinity
has been based."
glossary: kami
(Geez, I can't believe I missed this one!)
Ranma was... had been little better
than an indigent martial artist with barely two yen to rub between
his fingers.
Shut up, Dave! ^_^
[...]
She pondered the young man in her thoughts and smiled. He would look
dashingly handsome in a tailored tuxedo, sitting to dinner at a fine
French restaurant, his Kodachi watching intently as he devoured
everything within...
suggest: restaurant, and she by his side, watching
("his Kodachi" sounds weird. Especially since this
is from Kodachi's point of view.)
[...]
"Bother. Perhaps I would need to adjust to him, as well. I hadn't
considered that overmuch." *Sigh.* "Take yourself to bed, Kodachi.
You are accomplishing little this evening."
Wait! Look! That sigh was only emphasised once! [point point]
She rose from her perch in the window, and with a grace few mortals
would ever know, glided soundlessly from the room. Only the clock,
the window, and the distant thunder were present to bid her a good
night.
KODACHI: And good night to you, dear brother.
[...]
Ranma felt herself melt. "Oh, Akane." She couldn't resist resting
one hand on Akane's head and running her fingers through the soft
hair.
SHAMPOO: [pulls out cup] Took long enough to melt! [pout]
[...]
She inwardly collapsed as she realized what she'd been thinking down
in the deepest part of her heart, the fear that she really wasn't
good enough for Ranma anymore. Akane had worried about that before
all this goddess business had come down on them: Ranma was better
than her at martial arts, Akane's chosen life skill; Ranma was a
better cook; and even his girl-form was a better girl in some ways.
But now, Ranma had moved beyond her, *transcended* her and her
little earthy dreams of dojo, family, children... love. She couldn't
even imagine what kind of dreams goddesses aspired to. Her heart
broke, the pieces falling around her feet to join her hopes and
dreams. She just wasn't good enough anymore. Tendou Akane, the
mortal, was small; Saotome Ranma, the goddess, was great.
Very well expressed.
[...]
Amazed for a second at the state of her would-be lover, Akane then
lowered her head and spoke in a small voice. "I'm nothing, really,
but you, you're a kami. I probably shouldn't even touch you or
anything, much less... l-love you. You have Urd and Belldandy and
who-knows who else to help you, be there for you. I'll just be in
your way." Just not good enough. Never had been, really.
[...]
"I always knew you were better at stuff than me, but now you're just
better than me, period." Before, now, and forever.
Again, I really like how this was put.
[...]
"I don't know sashimi from a flippin' koi when it comes ta this fate
and destiny stuff, but I got the real strong feelin' that this was
supposed to happen, that someone got picked for a reason. I don't
know what that is, yet, but it's gotta be more than runnin' around
boffin' everybody just because I'm the Goddess of Sex. C'mon!"
URD; Of course. You won't be boffing everyone; you'll be
making sure that everyone else is boffing each other!
[...]
Akane steamed at Ranma, and the goddess was heartened. "Yeah, that's
my Akane!"
suggest not using "goddess" to refer to Ranma here. It only
serves to to exemplify Akane's point.
[...]
Shaking her head, Ranma said, "It really *is* my fault... this time.
My choice, and I took it."
AKANE: Don't say that, Ranma!
RANMA-SAMA: [looks hopeful]
AKANE: It's been your fault lots of times!
[...]
"Challenges like this one... *change* people, I expect. What if...
What if you don't l-l-love me anymore... after a while. What if this
goddess thing makes me like bein' a girl more than a guy. What if
you don't like the changes and me anymore--" She stopped and
shuddered.
GENMA: Not to worry, boy! Just do whatever I tell you and I can
make sure you stay your old self. After all, I made you what you
are today. [eyes Ranma over] Well, I made you what you were
a few days ago, at least...
"Then I hit you, brain you, and pound you," Akane growled. "A lot.
Until you go back to being Ranma."
RANMA-SAMA: Well gee, I can get that from any of the girls...
The goddess laughed, wiped her eyes, and then floated over and
settled on the floor next to Akane. She leaned against the larger
girl. "I hope that works, but NOW do you see why I need ya? You're,
um, my anchor... Is that right?" She turned and peered up into
Akane's face.
Um. I haveta say Akane had a much stronger argument. ^_^;;;
[...]
Rolling her eyes, Akane said, "Do you only *need* me? Not, er,
l-l-love?"
"Oh."
RANMA-SAMA: Sure, that too.
AKANE: You're such a romantic.
RANMA-SAMA: Goddess of Sex, babe, not Romance.
[...]
Akane's lip quivered, but Ranma didn't see it. "Promise?" she asked
shakily.
The goddess started. <Oh, no. What do I do? I-->
suggest: She started to respond, when Urd's
warnings replayed in her mind.
(You had me lost there for a second. I thought this was
some sort of twisted typical admitting love jitters.)
She looked up and
saw the expression on Akane's face, the holding in, the waiting, the
hope. <Oh, boy. *Sigh.* Well, if I burn, it'll be worth it.>
URD: We got some ointment to clear that sort of thing right up.
[...]
Akane gathered her up, and the smaller girl's frame shook in large
convulsive heaves. After a moment, Akane realized something and
whispered, "Don't ever keep stuff in this long, Ranma. It's not
healthy. I don't care if you don't think it's manly, it's just not
good for you." Ranma nodded weakly. "I'm always here for you. To
talk, to hold you if you need to cry, to just sit, or if you just
need to hear me say I love you. I'll always be here for you."
POWERFUL-PRINCE: Hello, I'm here to take her away from you.
AKANE: [smacks head]
[...]
"Tomboy," Ranma chuckled.
"Not as much as you, right now."
I'm gonna hafta put my vote in that the girl in the
genie costume is NOT to tomboy of the pair...
[...]
Her heart suddenly pounding, Akane slowly nodded and after a few
rapid heartbeats, leaned forward hesitantly, her brown eyes wide.
Ranma closed her eyes and parted her lips a little. Akane found
herself drawn to the moisture there, glistening slightly in the
street-lit room. She leaned further down... further down.
Street-lit room?
They touched, lip to lip, and Akane could feel the world rushing in
on her, or was that welling up in her? She'd waited for this for so
long, even if it had been a *male* Ranma she'd been waiting for and
she the one to be cradled. But oh, it felt so right, so complete, so
wonderful. And before she realized it, she had gently lowered Ranma
to the floor, stretching out atop her and hungrily devouring the
other's mouth.
AKANE: [mmph] Hey! These are wax lips!
[assorted naughtiness snipped]
"Well, ya sure seemed ready a minute ago!" Ranma said, peeved, but
chagrin quickly took its place. "I didn't mean ta snap at ya. I was
just... well... Hmmm. Maybe me bein' the Goddess of Sex means YOU
are gonna have ta say 'when'. I coulda... well... You know, and let
you have your way with me." Her eyes bulged. "Did I just *say*
that?"
You're going to need to explain the logic a bit more, here.
Arguably, being the Goddess of Sex means that *she* is the one
that has control over everything. ^_^
I think what you meant is that being the Goddess of Sex means
that Ranma is always ready/in the mood/whatever.
[...]
She shook her head. "No, let me finish." She bit her lip. "I'm
pretty sure I don't like girls that way, but for some reason, it
doesn't seem to bother me with you," <Oh, and *how* it doesn't
bother me, it seems! Akane no hentai.> "and that... that scares me a
little."
glossary: no hentai
[...]
"Calm down, Akane! Heh." Ranma flopped onto her back and chuckled at
the ceiling. "Something wrong with you? Compared to what... to who?"
"Hmph! Well... say, Yuka... or Sayuri?"
RANMA-SAMA: Well, those two are pretty
hot and heavy with each other...
AKANE: Wh- What? They're gay?! Who told you?
RANMA-SAMA: Huh? No one. I just kinda... knew. [scratches head]
AKANE: Maybe it's one of your goddess powers? You
know about everyone's sexual (um) proclivities?
RANMA-SAMA: Gee, I hope no-- [boggle]
AKANE: What? What is it?
RANMA-SAMA: Augh! I know what my parents are doing right now!
My eyes! Make it stop!!! Kasmi-sama!!!
[...]
Early morning was a special time for Kasumi; the quiet peacefulness,
her family safe and sleeping soundly, the bustling activity of
songbirds, and, on this particular morning, the freshness after a
night's gentle rain.
gram: special time for Kasumi: she loved the quiet
(Only use a semi-colon where you could use a period. And
this case, the part after the punctuation is a sentence
fragment.)
[...]
She stopped when she noticed that it was already occupied. She
opened her mouth to excuse herself, but the image presented was
finally processed enough to make her close her mouth. Ranma and
Akane were in the bath, embracing and kissing. Quiet moans and
giggles echoed in the small, tiled area.
KASUMI: Oh, ew! Ew ew ew ew ew! I BATHE in there!
I have to CLEAN that! [wail]
[...]
"Kasumi, you naughty thing! Thinking about such with kind
Toufuu-sensei! ... Hmmm."
suggest: thinks such things about kind
(You need a word for "such" to modify.)
[...]
Repeating the earlier motions, she opened the door to the furo, took
two steps in, gawked, and stumbled back out. Nodoka and Genma were
in the bath, doing something Kasumi had only heard about, never
thought to ever see, and would've doubted had even been possible in
a slippery tiled furo if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes.
GENMA: Let this be a lesson! Martial arts gives you FLEXIBILITY!
NODOKA: And ten years of abstinance gives you plenty of IMAGINATION!
She proceeded to redress herself, if a little more forcefully than
before.
word: She proceeded to dress herself again.
("Redress" does not mean "dress again";
it means to fix or make amends.)
<I'm going to have to talk to everyone about hygiene in the bath!
Doesn't anybody use the 'Occupied' sign anymore?!>
EVERYONE: We have an "occipied" sign?
[...]
Breakfast, and the mayhem that went with it -- unusual today only in
that Ranma did not accompany Akane to school -- had come and gone.
Kasumi had even taken the time to scrub the furo before drawing
another bath. She was certain the gas bill was going to send her
father into tears, or shock if she bothered to tell him *why* she'd
had to refill the furo.
Obviously she didn't see what happened between the time Ranma and
Akane, and Genma and Nodoka were in there.
SOUN: Oh, Hinako-chan!
MINI-HINAKO: Oh, Soun-chan!
[...]
Urd chuckled. "I thought it might turn out that way. Sake?"
[...]
"This once... I *believe* I shall!"
suggest: This once... I believe I shall.
(Why emphasize believe? Or make the sentence an exclamation?)
Smiling a little evilly, Urd filled the second cup and handed it to
her companion.
NARRATOR: Urd has secretly added Potion #17
to Kasumi's drink. Let's see if she notices!
"Good! I'd rather drink *with* someone, any day."
suggest: drink with someone
(Again, why the emphasis? She'd rather drink
*with* someone than *at* them? *On* them?)
SHAMPOO: Or just drink them! [offers cup of Ranma]
[...]
"Yes... I think she will do just fine," Urd said with much
satisfaction. "I think Akane will, too; pretty soon, it'll be
impossible to separate them."
AKANE: You said the handcuffs would come off!
RANMA-SAMA: Hey, how did I know they'd mystically lock?
[...]
"Maybe it's time to think a little more about yourself," Urd
finished meaningfully, and raised her cup.
Kasumi did likewise. "And maybe love will come looking for you, as
well?" she added in the same tone.
Did I mention fleeing yet?
They both giggled.
"Kanpai!" "Kanpai!"
KASUMI: Oh! That has quite an unusual kick to it.
Um... Why are you looking at me like that? Is
it hot in here...? [adjust collar]
----
Okay, it's not as bad as I make it out to be, but I hope you'll take
another look at the treatment of males in this story. Things turned
out well for Genma in the end, but all the other "humor" involving
the guys is at their expense.
Genma deserves to get knocked around a bit, and everyone has fun
beating around Kuno, but their good points should come through, too.
Give them some of the spotlight.
Kuno could actually be helpful to goddess-type Ranma. (Not in any
way she'd appreciate, of course.)
And Mousee's martial art has been called Black Magic. In an Oh!
My Goddess! crossover, does that mean he has literal ties to the
forces of darkness? ;)
The chase was boring. You've already done the scene when Ranma
zaps people and they al lchase after her. I didn't see the point
of reading it again.
I liked the situation with Ukyo, and would like to have seen more
of it. Specifically, the "return to owner" part could have been
played up a lot more. Ukyo *tries* to not use it, but it keeps
coming back. ^o^
I really liked how Akane expressed why she was worried about Ranma
not wanting her. In fact, it was so well stated, that Ranma's
reasons for wanting her seemed tenuous at best. ^_^ However, I
imagine Akane had added reassurance from the capital-P promise she
made.
So more Ukyo, and less chase. Be nice to your male characters, or
they'll kick your ass!
RYOGA: ...
Later!
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"