Another somewhat-delayed C&C....
"D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net> wrote:
The assembled persons, affianced and otherwise, stared at the four
people inside the magical chalk transport gate, who had just arrived
Suggest removing the comma after 'gate'.
amid noise and bright light. Almost as one, their eyes gravitated to
the redhead hovering in midair, trying to find a hint of their
beloved, friend, rival, or student in the ethereal and beautiful
goddess.
RANMA: Ha ha! It IS me! I fooled you by wearing my Groucho nose and glasses!
RYOGA: Damn it, Ranma! You're always doing that! If only your girl form had some
sort of identifying feature, like, oh, say, a distinctive hair color....
"Akane..." Ranma whispered. Her eyes softened and she smiled. She'd
crossed a dimension waiting to see Akane's beautiful face, and Ranma
started floating toward her.
Ukyou frowned. <He hasn't even said anything to me!> "Hey, Ranchan!"
RANMA: Um... hey, uh... um... the okonomiyaki chef, right? Junko? Yunko?
Something like that. How've ya been?
Unfortunately, Tatewaki wasn't out. Having not had the benefit of
the leverage from gravity or from falling from a height, the force
behind Ranma's blow was insufficient to fell the amorous kendoist
and almost sent her careening out of control. She quickly regained
control, but she didn't have long to enjoy it.
Two uses of "control" here. Also, the use of "her" is a bit awkward; at first
glance, it seems to refer to the kendoist.
*GLOMP!*
"EYAAAA!!!"
"Pigtailed girl, errr, GODDESS!!! I AM YOUR SLAVE!! COMMAND ME!!!"
RANMA: FUCK OFF!
KUNO: How shall I fuck off, oh goddess?
Swept off her feet by the goddess, Cologne suffered her august
personage to be cradled in Urd's arms.
August? More like December....
Buried in a bush and getting his clothing and hair intolerably
HAPPOSAI: Now that's the way I want to go. Being buried in a...
RANMA: PERVERT! *Bam!*
Ranma got control of her flight and began to somewhat enjoy watching
Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo chase her around, calling out for her to
stop and let them love her. It was a huge ego boost, but the
inflation of self-esteem was interspersed with shuddering -- if not
This part seems too explanatory, IMO; describing Ranma's thoughts from the
outside rather than the way they would seem to him.
Panda-chan chose that moment to peek in a window at the chaos. He
blinked, and then spied Nodoka standing in the middle of the storm.
He fidgeted, and then made one of the few truly altruistic decisions
of his life. Waving a sign that said <"I will save you, my wife!">
he bounded in through the window, short legs in a hurdler's
position.
Why's Genma a -chan?
"EEK!!" Urd jumped, skittered, waltzed, and mambo'ed around the
Don't use a ', unless there are missing letters or it's a glottal stop.
Both of them flashed to their feet, fists raised to the sky and
yelling in unison, "WE WILL RESCUE YOU, RANMA-CHAN!!!"
IIRC, only Happosai refers to Ranma with a -chan.
"What? Got a better idea, Hussy?"
Hussy is a description, not a name, and so shouldn't be capitalized.
"Ooo! Shampoo no forget not-nice Ukyou!" One more glare, full of
menace, and Shampoo bounded away.
SHAMPOO: I write down on post-it note so won't forget. 'Is not-nice Ukyo. Is no
Ukyo from Zen fics.'
"Yeah, man! And it looks like she really DOES need some help." The
soles of Hiroshi's shoes slapped to a stop next to Ranma's prone
form. He bent over. "Hey, Ranma. You all right?"
IMO, these guys would refer to Ranma as "he." They know that he's a man in a
woman's body.
Puffing, Akane ran in and looked warily at the skewed building, wond
ering if it would stay up much longer. She turned her attention back
wondering (accidental break)
to a giggling Ranma.
"What's that?"
"You'll see," Ranma said slyly. "Let's wait outside."
What's what?
"SAOTOME!! PREPARE TO DIE FOR BEDAZZLING THE WONDROUS SHAMPOO!!!"
Kasumi reached up and pulled Mousse's glasses over his eyes. "Konban
wa, Mousse-san."
MOUSSE: Um... [searches robes] where's that phrase book of mine...? Er, mooshy
mooshy.... Darn it, I was told this fanfic would be in English!
Akane shook her head at the effect Kasumi seemed to have on people.
At that moment, Nodoka and Nabiki appeared at different entrances,
wondering what was going on, but before they could ask, a chant in a
lilting, foreign language came down the hall from the foyer. The
chant stopped, the silence broken only by Kasumi's cooing noises,
then a string of Old Norse bad enough to turn dead Vikings red rang
throughout the house.
"SPAM, spam, spam, spam, Lovely spam...."
"WHAT are you DOING, BOY?! AKANE'S your fiancee, not the CHEF!!
DON'T CRY!! IT ISN'T MANLY!!!" Genma's eyes slid over to a frowning
Nodoka, mistaking the target of her displeasure. It was unfortunate
that he took his gaze from his child and missed the giant, glowing
mana mallet that suddenly formed in her hands.
"BAAKA OYAJIIII!!!"
"Huh?" Genma whipped his head around to greet simulated wood.
*WHAM!!!*
"BAKA!" *WHAM!* "BAKA!!" *WHAM!*
Huh? What brought this on?
Urd sat at the table, mulling over a number of issues, when she
heard the front door open and two voices call "Tadaima!" She eased
NODOKA: Ranma, is that you? What would you like to do today, son?
RANMA: Tadaima!
NODOKA: Well, if that's really what you want....
[Whiping out her katana, she slices clean through his heart]
RANMA: This little cautionary tale brought to you by the Coalition Against
Gratuitous Japanese In Fanfics. [Dies]
"What?! I don't see anything!" Akane said.
Putting her arms down, Urd breathed in relief. "Don't say the
P-word."
"P-word?" Ranma scratched her head.
AKANE: She means pus--
RANMA: AAARG! I wasn't gonna say THAT! I'd at least use a synonym!
Plopping at the table, Ranma looked balefully at her sensei. "What's
it this time? Can't wear white panties on a full moon?"
URD: Of course not. They don't make them that size.
RANMA: Not that kind of 'moon.'
A steady rhythmic noise began to filter down from upstairs.
steady, rhythmic
GENMA: Urk... *ka-tank*... urgh... *ka-lank*
NODOKA: Oh, husband! The way you bench-press those weights is so MANLY!
"SEDUCING ONE NEOPHYTE GODDESS SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN EASY TASK,
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HER AREA OF INFLUENCE."
"Sir! There were numerous complications! Those... those people are
NOT normal!!"
"TSK. SUCH AN EXCUSE. NO MATTER. I HAVE ALREADY ARRANGED FOR YOUR
PUNISHMENT. HOLD OUT YOUR HAND."
RETSY: The way you're talking... you don't mean this is going to be....
SIR: YES, IT IS. *CAPITAL* PUNISHMENT.
She entered the changing room, humming a random but familiar tune.
She undressed, folded her clothes neatly, and picked up her bathing
things, opening the door to the bath.
She stopped when she noticed that it was already occupied. She
opened her mouth to excuse herself, but the image presented was
finally processed enough to make her close her mouth. Ranma and
Try to cut down on the number of "She did this" sentences.
Repeating the earlier motions, she opened the door to the furo, took
two steps in, gawked, and stumbled back out. Nodoka and Genma were
in the bath, doing something Kasumi had only heard about, never
thought to ever see, and would've doubted had even been possible in
a slippery tiled furo if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes.
slippery-tiled
GENMA: Ha! Two pair, kings and sevens.
NODOKA: Darn! I thought you were bluffing again!
Once again, I enjoyed the serious bits of this better than the comedy ones. I
liked the exploration of Ranma's various feelings toward his new status, and the
interplay between Ranma and Akane. The funny stuff, on the other hand, was not
only rather low-brow, but quite repetitive -- not a good combination. Things
like slapstick and "oh my, they're having sex" gags are, to me, like candy:
tasty when taken in moderation, but too much upsets the stomach and leaves a
desire for something more substantial. Though I will say that the effect of the
spatula on Ukyo was creative.
Gary