Another somewhat-delayed C&C....
Blame it on the length of the chapter. :)
"D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net> wrote:
> The assembled persons, affianced and otherwise, stared
at the four
> people inside the magical chalk transport gate, who had
just arrived
Suggest removing the comma after 'gate'.
Agreed, although I think my grammar check keeps balking at that.
> amid noise and bright light. Almost as one, their eyes
gravitated to
> the redhead hovering in midair, trying to find a hint of their
> beloved, friend, rival, or student in the ethereal and beautiful
> goddess.
RANMA: Ha ha! It IS me! I fooled you by wearing my
Groucho nose and glasses!
RYOGA: Damn it, Ranma! You're always doing that! If only
your girl form had some
sort of identifying feature, like, oh, say, a distinctive
hair color....
*Snort!* I was waiting for that, actually. Glad to see you didn't
disappoint, although you're probably just tweaking my nose. ^_^ I
gladly proclaim myself a hair-color heretic. *Cue pompous music,
with an ignorant little countermelody... or Three Blind Mice,
whichever we have sheet music for.*
^_-
> "Akane..." Ranma whispered. Her eyes softened and she
smiled. She'd
> crossed a dimension waiting to see Akane's beautiful
face, and Ranma
> started floating toward her.
>
> Ukyou frowned. <He hasn't even said anything to me!>
"Hey, Ranchan!"
RANMA: Um... hey, uh... um... the okonomiyaki chef,
right? Junko? Yunko?
Something like that. How've ya been?
UKYOU: ... See if I give YOU any more free meals.
RANMA: UCCHAN!!! A-heh. [bigsweats]
> Unfortunately, Tatewaki wasn't out. Having not had the
benefit of
> the leverage from gravity or from falling from a
height, the force
> behind Ranma's blow was insufficient to fell the
amorous kendoist
> and almost sent her careening out of control. She
quickly regained
> control, but she didn't have long to enjoy it.
Two uses of "control" here. Also, the use of "her" is a
bit awkward; at first
glance, it seems to refer to the kendoist.
Agreed to both.
> *GLOMP!*
>
> "EYAAAA!!!"
>
> "Pigtailed girl, errr, GODDESS!!! I AM YOUR SLAVE!!
COMMAND ME!!!"
RANMA: FUCK OFF!
KUNO: How shall I fuck off, oh goddess?
O_O Heh, and *I'm* being low-brow?! ^_-
> Swept off her feet by the goddess, Cologne suffered her august
> personage to be cradled in Urd's arms.
August? More like December....
Gah. Cologne's going to 'spell' or 'potion' you for that one. :)
Cologne: I'm not old; just well aged.
Gary: What's the diff--
Cologne: Watch it, Sonny!
> Buried in a bush and getting his clothing and hair intolerably
HAPPOSAI: Now that's the way I want to go. Being buried in a...
RANMA: PERVERT! *Bam!*
You know, that one escaped me until you pointed it out. WAAHHH!!
> Ranma got control of her flight and began to somewhat
enjoy watching
> Akane, Ukyou, and Shampoo chase her around, calling out
for her to
> stop and let them love her. It was a huge ego boost, but the
> inflation of self-esteem was interspersed with
shuddering -- if not
This part seems too explanatory, IMO; describing Ranma's
thoughts from the
outside rather than the way they would seem to him.
Agreed.
> Panda-chan chose that moment to peek in a window at the
chaos. He
> blinked, and then spied Nodoka standing in the middle
of the storm.
> He fidgeted, and then made one of the few truly
altruistic decisions
> of his life. Waving a sign that said <"I will save you,
my wife!">
> he bounded in through the window, short legs in a hurdler's
> position.
Why's Genma a -chan?
Didn't Nodoka refer to Genma-panda as Panda-chan? Of course, I
suppose it has little merit now that she knows about the curses.
> "EEK!!" Urd jumped, skittered, waltzed, and mambo'ed around the
Don't use a ', unless there are missing letters or it's a
glottal stop.
Okay.
> Both of them flashed to their feet, fists raised to the sky and
> yelling in unison, "WE WILL RESCUE YOU, RANMA-CHAN!!!"
IIRC, only Happosai refers to Ranma with a -chan.
Will fix.
> "What? Got a better idea, Hussy?"
Hussy is a description, not a name, and so shouldn't be
capitalized.
Agreed.
> "Ooo! Shampoo no forget not-nice Ukyou!" One more glare, full of
> menace, and Shampoo bounded away.
SHAMPOO: I write down on post-it note so won't forget.
'Is not-nice Ukyo. Is no
Ukyo from Zen fics.'
Somewhere (refer to Gary's author map, please), Zen sneezes.
"Somebody's talking about me again. Must be Ukyou..."
> "Yeah, man! And it looks like she really DOES need some
help." The
> soles of Hiroshi's shoes slapped to a stop next to Ranma's prone
> form. He bent over. "Hey, Ranma. You all right?"
IMO, these guys would refer to Ranma as "he." They know
that he's a man in a
woman's body.
Agreed, although I was hoping to later show that they had some
difficulty with that because of her state of dress.
> Puffing, Akane ran in and looked warily at the skewed
building, wond
> ering if it would stay up much longer. She turned her
attention back
wondering (accidental break)
Yes, I don't know what's causing that. It's not that way in the
original file.
> to a giggling Ranma.
>
> "What's that?"
>
> "You'll see," Ranma said slyly. "Let's wait outside."
What's what?
Point. :) Will revise.
> "SAOTOME!! PREPARE TO DIE FOR BEDAZZLING THE WONDROUS
SHAMPOO!!!"
>
> Kasumi reached up and pulled Mousse's glasses over his
eyes. "Konban
> wa, Mousse-san."
MOUSSE: Um... [searches robes] where's that phrase book
of mine...? Er, mooshy
mooshy.... Darn it, I was told this fanfic would be in English!
<wry grin> See next line: "Oh. Good evening to you, too..."
> Akane shook her head at the effect Kasumi seemed to
have on people.
> At that moment, Nodoka and Nabiki appeared at different
entrances,
> wondering what was going on, but before they could ask,
a chant in a
> lilting, foreign language came down the hall from the foyer. The
> chant stopped, the silence broken only by Kasumi's
cooing noises,
> then a string of Old Norse bad enough to turn dead
Vikings red rang
> throughout the house.
"SPAM, spam, spam, spam, Lovely spam...."
/me lowers a couple wanting to order a meal into the middle of
Gary's Python flashback. ^_^
> "WHAT are you DOING, BOY?! AKANE'S your fiancee, not the CHEF!!
> DON'T CRY!! IT ISN'T MANLY!!!" Genma's eyes slid over
to a frowning
> Nodoka, mistaking the target of her displeasure. It was
unfortunate
> that he took his gaze from his child and missed the
giant, glowing
> mana mallet that suddenly formed in her hands.
>
> "BAAKA OYAJIIII!!!"
>
> "Huh?" Genma whipped his head around to greet simulated wood.
>
> *WHAM!!!*
>
> "BAKA!" *WHAM!* "BAKA!!" *WHAM!*
Huh? What brought this on?
The beating or the mallet use? The beating because Genma interrupted
Ranma at a bad moment, and the mallet was just for fun.
> Urd sat at the table, mulling over a number of issues, when she
> heard the front door open and two voices call
"Tadaima!" She eased
NODOKA: Ranma, is that you? What would you like to do today, son?
RANMA: Tadaima!
NODOKA: Well, if that's really what you want....
[Whiping out her katana, she slices clean through his heart]
RANMA: This little cautionary tale brought to you by the
Coalition Against
Gratuitous Japanese In Fanfics. [Dies]
But then, what am I going to do with that glossary at the end? ...
Don't answer that. :)
Sorry, Old Bean, but some of it's always going to be there. :)
> "What?! I don't see anything!" Akane said.
>
> Putting her arms down, Urd breathed in relief. "Don't say the
> P-word."
>
> "P-word?" Ranma scratched her head.
AKANE: She means pus--
RANMA: AAARG! I wasn't gonna say THAT! I'd at least use a synonym!
HAHAHAHA!!! Akane, straight to the heart of the matter by way of
Freudian slip. :)
Happi: Did someone say slip?!
> Plopping at the table, Ranma looked balefully at her
sensei. "What's
> it this time? Can't wear white panties on a full moon?"
URD: Of course not. They don't make them that size.
RANMA: Not that kind of 'moon.'
URD: Oh, you mean a quarter moon?
AKANE: No, here, it's a ten yen moon.
RANMA: Grrrr. Watch it with the coin jokes!
^_^ Hello, Boys and Girls. Can you count the language
misapplications in that last skit?
> A steady rhythmic noise began to filter down from upstairs.
steady, rhythmic
GENMA: Urk... *ka-tank*... urgh... *ka-lank*
NODOKA: Oh, husband! The way you bench-press those
weights is so MANLY!
... And so OOC for him to exert himself, too. :)
> "SEDUCING ONE NEOPHYTE GODDESS SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN EASY TASK,
> ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HER AREA OF INFLUENCE."
>
> "Sir! There were numerous complications! Those... those
people are
> NOT normal!!"
>
> "TSK. SUCH AN EXCUSE. NO MATTER. I HAVE ALREADY
ARRANGED FOR YOUR
> PUNISHMENT. HOLD OUT YOUR HAND."
RETSY: The way you're talking... you don't mean this is
going to be....
SIR: YES, IT IS. *CAPITAL* PUNISHMENT.
Ba-dum! Swish-CHING! (Not to be confused with the I-Ching, the
Swish-CHING is full of holes...)
Incidentally, this scene has been trashed in favor of one with Hild,
who turns out to be Urd's mother and the Dai-makai-chou (head demon?
ruler of hell?). I knew about the character, but Chan Wei Lik was
kind enough to forward me a synopsis of her arc. Retsy's still
scrubbing the Road to Hell, though. :)
> She entered the changing room, humming a random but
familiar tune.
> She undressed, folded her clothes neatly, and picked up
her bathing
> things, opening the door to the bath.
>
> She stopped when she noticed that it was already occupied. She
> opened her mouth to excuse herself, but the image presented was
> finally processed enough to make her close her mouth. Ranma and
Try to cut down on the number of "She did this" sentences.
Agreed.
> Repeating the earlier motions, she opened the door to
the furo, took
> two steps in, gawked, and stumbled back out. Nodoka and
Genma were
> in the bath, doing something Kasumi had only heard about, never
> thought to ever see, and would've doubted had even been
possible in
> a slippery tiled furo if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes.
slippery-tiled
Hmmm, I think I was shooting for "slippery, tiled", although I now
find myself confused in the grammar. Hmmm.
GENMA: Ha! Two pair, kings and sevens.
NODOKA: Darn! I thought you were bluffing again!
Gaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Once again, I enjoyed the serious bits of this better
than the comedy ones. I
liked the exploration of Ranma's various feelings toward
his new status, and the
interplay between Ranma and Akane.
Thanks.
The funny stuff, on
the other hand, was not
only rather low-brow, but quite repetitive -- not a good
combination. Things
like slapstick and "oh my, they're having sex" gags are,
to me, like candy:
tasty when taken in moderation, but too much upsets the
stomach and leaves a
desire for something more substantial.
The repetitive I can agree with - the opening scene was long, too
long really. I'll try to reduce the repetitiveness in future. Take
comfort from the fact that things, errr, came to a head in AG5, and
I'll be dealing less with sexual humor for the time being. Oog. I'm
permanently lost in a sea of sexual innuendo... ^_-
The low-brow (although I prefer 'earthy', heh) is readily
acknowledged, but when I mix Ranma and crew in with the fact that
Ranma is now Goddess of Sex, I've got Urd screwing up with a potion,
etc., what does that leave me with? I could try for a wittier, more
urbane treatment, but would that suit the characters involved? The
cast is, with a couple of non-participating exceptions, not known
for its subtlety, and several members of the cast are quite earthy.
If you have some specific suggestions on future treatment, I would
love to hear them.
Though I will say
that the effect of the
spatula on Ukyo was creative.
Heh. I'm still waiting to hear from the author herself on this one.
^_^
Thanks a million for the C&C, Gary.
Yours,
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html