Dear FFMLers

Here is chapter two of my NGE fanfiction work,
"The Waste Land."  As always, C & C is welcome,
but please, keep comments tasteful and
constructive.  (I do have a delicate ego.  ^_^)
You may send replies to either sme291@hotmail.com or
via the FFML.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy this fic of mine.

B.S.N.

-----------------------------------------------------
THE WASTE LAND by B.S.N.
-----------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL CONCEPT by Jitou
-------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER:  All characters of "Neon Genesis
Evangelion" are the property of Mr. Hideki Anno,
Gainax, A.D. Vision and all other associated
parties.  This fanfiction does not intend to reap
profit or benefit of any kind; it was created for entertainment purposes only.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEXT CONVENTIONS:

_  _ denotes emphasis
-------------------------------------------------------

   (Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
    Your shadow at morning striding behind you
   Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
     I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"

CHAPTER II: A Brief Respite

   The thin, metallic taste of blood filled his
mouth.  Shinji grimaced as he ran his tongue along
the roof of his mouth, his teeth, his lips.  He
tried to spit out the acrid taste but he was unable
to raise his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin, bloody threads.  Shinji wiped his
mouth with a feeble hand, leaving streaks of dust
upon his face and grit in his teeth. He spat again
and rubbed his mouth; once more, a thin layer of
dirt accumulated.  Shinji sighed.

   With his one good eye, the boy looked up into
the sky.  The sun was well past its meridian; it was
now near five o'clock.  He tried to move his head
once more, but the fierce bursts of pain brought on
a wave of darkness and nausea.  Shinji gagged as the
bile surged into his throat.  Too weak to hold the
acid stream, he turned his head and vomited.

   For many minutes afterwards, Shinji lay unmoving,
a viscous trickle of bile running from his mouth onto
the ground.  He stared straight ahead, his blue-gray
eye blank, empty.  The rancid stench wafted up to his nose but he did not sense it.  The sour flavor coated
his mouth and lips, but he could not taste it.
Strangely, mercifully, a kind of stupor had stolen
over him, shutting off all sensation and all thought.
   The boy lay there thus, unmoving, when the girl
discovered him the next morning.

   A slight figure knelt over him, her long auburn tresses brushing against his face.  At first, Shinji
was unaware of her presence but the soft sweep of
her hair aroused him out of his torpor.  Shinji
slowly turned his head and squinted up at the girl
above him.  The sun shone full upon her, creating a
halo of light about her form but casting her face in shadow.  "Asuka?" he whispered hoarsely as he reached out.  "Asuka?"
   "Asuka?" the girl echoed in puzzlement.  "You're
dreaming.  You must have a fever."  She laid a cool
and gentle hand upon his hot brow, a look of
commiseration and concern upon her face.  Shinji
grasped the hand eagerly, a strange glow illuminating
his countenance.  The girl drew back in alarm and
tried to withdraw her hand.  He tightened his hold
and pulled her closer to him.
   "Don't go," he begged.  "Don't leave me alone,
Asuka!"
   "I'm not Asuka," she answered nervously as she
attempted to remove her hand from his.  The intense
happiness in his face was awful.  "Y-You're dreaming.
I'm not--"
   "Don't go!!" he shrieked suddenly, his voice
full of anguish and terror.  "Asuka!!  Asuka!!"
   The girl gasped in fright.  She tore her hand
free and scrambled to her feet.  She had already run
a meter away from him but a peculiar noise arrested
her in mid-flight--the sound of a low, grieved moan.
For a few moments, she stood irresolute.  Then, as
Shinji's sobs increased, as quickly as she had run
from him, the girl turned back.
   She knelt beside him and murmured soothingly
as she stroke the sweat-matted hair from his dirty
face,  "Shh.  I won't leave.  I'll stay.  Hush, now.
I won't go."
   "Asuka," he whispered, his eyes shining.  "You
won't leave me, will you?"
   The joy on his face was terrifying but the girl
answered, "I won't.  I promise."
   Shinji smiled contentedly before he slipped into
unconsciousness.

-------------------------------------------------------

   The small stone cross felt cool in her thin palm.
Elena carefully opened her fist and once again looked
at the pendant in her hand.  It's a curious thing,
really, she thought as she toyed with the necklace.
I don't think I've seen anything like this since
before the apocalypse.  She idly dangled the necklace from her wrist, a thoughtful look in her eyes.
   Why does this boy have this?  And how did he get
it? Elena wondered as she glanced at the sleeping boy
in the bed.  She ran her thumb along the plain narrow
string of hemp, her brow furrowed in contemplation.
Abruptly, she stopped and stared at her hand.  Dry,
brittle, red-brown flakes speckled her fingers.
Curious, she touched her fingers to her lips.  Her
eyes widened in surprise.
   Blood, she thought as she rubbed the pads of her
thumb and forefinger together.  The frail, dark scales
fell to the ground and mingled with the dust upon the
floor.

   He stared into the enormous, luminous eyes fixed
upon him.
   "Evangelion Unit One," he whispered hoarsely.
   The beast stood silently waiting.  He continued
to gaze at the monster before him; he could not tear
his eyes away from it nor release himself from the
hand that held him in its grip.
   "Evangelion Unit One," he repeated.  "Evangelion
Unit One."  He dropped his head, defeated.  "Even now,
even after all that has happened, you're still here."
   The brute said nothing and continued to gaze
upon the small figure in its hand.
   "Why?" Shinji asked plaintively, looking up at
the monster.  "Why are you still here?  I got rid of
you, didn't I?  I destroyed you, didn't I?  I'm free,
aren't I?"
   The beast was silent still.
   "I defeated you.  I destroyed the world--and I
killed you.  I killed the world--and I destroyed you."
   The beast remained mute.
   "No, I'm not free," he mumbled, lowering his
head.  "I tried. . .and I failed.  And I'll never be
free.  The beast. . .it's still here--within. . ."
He fell quiet for many moments.
   "No, I will defeat you.   I will be free.  I
will destroy you," he vowed in a low voice.  Suddenly,
he looked up, his face contorted with a wild,
indescribable rage.  "I will kill you, damn you!!!  I
will kill you!!!" he shrieked as he twisted wildly
about.  "Die, die, die!!!"
   His screams echoed through the void, loudly at
first, but they gradually faded into a whisper and then
dwindled into nothingness.

   Shinji awoke with a start.  He stared at the
unevenly painted ceiling with astonished eyes.  Where
am I? he wondered.  He turned his head to the left
and saw the girl seated near the window.  He slowly
rose, his eyes still fastened upon her.  The rustle
of the bedclothes startled the girl and she spun
around, her eyes dilated in fright.  Across the
silent space between them, their eyes met.  For a
long moment, the two children stared at each other.  Shinji swung his legs over the bed and made his way towards her.  Suddenly, at the corner of his eye,
Shinji saw a flash of white.  Pressed against her
heaving breast, swayed slightly by the movement, was
a small, cross-shaped object.  In one bound, the boy
was at her side.  He wrenched the necklace free from
her grasp, an inexpressible look upon his face.
   "Why do you. . .  How did you get this?" he
inquired in a low voice.  He was shaking.
   "I-I found it. . .in your hand. . .while you were unconscious. . ." she stammered.  She could not meet
his gaze and stared down at the rough floor beneath her feet.
   "I--" he began.  Suddenly, without warning, Shinji collapsed to his knees.  Unthinkingly, the girl sprang out of her chair, her hands extended in an offer of support.  He gently pushed her hands away and shook his head. "No," he whispered, "Don't. . .don't. . ."  He
looked up; the awful expression was gone now, replaced
by one of shame and remorse.  "Don't. . .please. . ."
   "I-I didn't mean to--" the girl began.
   "No, it's fine.  Don't worry," he replied dully.
"It's my fault. . ."
   "Do you need. . ." she asked haltingly.
   "No," he answered.  He rose stiffly to his feet.
"I-I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to--that is--I'm sorry,"
he mumbled finally.
   "I-It's all right."
   "Ano. . .miss. . ."
   "My name is Elena.  Elena Bhaer."
   "Elena-san. . ."
   Elena shook her head.  "No, don't say anything.
It's all right. . .uh. . ."
   "Shinji.  Ikari Shinji."
   "Shinji-san. . ." she repeated.  Then she added
quietly, "That's a good name."

-------------------------------------------------------

   Elena watched him from her seat on the worn
doorstep of the house.  In the dim twilight, she could
discern the irregular outline of a boy crouched in the
sparse grass.  His ragged white shirt glowed faintly
in the dusk.  His thin arm moved in long, sweeping
strokes; he was describing a pattern in the dust with
a twig.  A name? she wondered.  As he worked, she saw
his hand reach under his shirt and withdraw a small
object from around his neck.  Then, abruptly, the boy threw the stick to the ground and, in one, fierce jerk
of his hand, he obliterated the design.  For many moments, he sat still, gazing down at the ornament in
his hand.  Then, gently, carefully, the boy tucked the necklace into the small pocket of his shirt and rose to look at the ruin that stretched before him.
   She had often seen him thus, sitting alone in the
half-light.  At these times, he would draw the necklace
from his pocket and stare at it, lost in thought.
Sometimes he would hastily stow the ornament into
his shorts' pocket; sometimes he would slip it into his
breast pocket; sometimes, he would place it round his
neck--but this last action was rare.  His behavior
puzzled Elena and she wondered, as on the day when they
first met, how he obtained the necklace and why it
was so important to him.  But since that day, he had
never displayed the ornament to her.  And though she
yearned to know its history, she never alluded to it.
   The pale blue glow of twilight was quickly
deepening to evening.  She saw him standing with his
hands upon his hips, his long, gangly legs spread
apart.  His slender shape was a dark blot against the
clear, watery horizon.

   It's been two week since Elena-san found me,
Shinji mused as he stood looking across the bleak
landscape.  I suppose I should leave--I am imposing
after all, but. . .  He cast a quick glance at the
slender shape framed by the ramshackle house behind
her.  A small smile flitted across his face.  For
the first time--in a long time--I've been at peace.
I'm calm and happy. . .  Happy?  He drew in a sharp
breath, stunned.  Happy?   Have I really been happy
with Elena-san?  Shinji looked back.  The girl had disappeared through the shadowy doorway.
   Happy. . .  He tried to say the word aloud, but
he found that his mouth had gone dry.  No, I can�t say it. . . he thought sadly, it�s impossible.  Shinji
sighed and turned back to the ruined city before him.  No, this isn't�t real happiness.  I can�t fool myself.  This isn't�t the happiness that I�m looking for.  It doesn't�t lie here with Elena-san.  That happiness--my happiness--is somewhere else, out there. . .  The
reality that I want. . .the truth that I seek. . .is
not here with Elena-san.  But one day, I will find it.

-------------------------------------------------------
   �Die!!  Die!!�
   Elena came running to his room.  �Shinji-san!� she exclaimed.  �Wake up!  Shinji-san!�
   �Die!!  Damn you!!  Die!!  Why won�t you die?!� Shinji screamed as he thrashed about.  �Die!!  Damn
you!!�
   Elena seized his arms and shook him.  �Shinji-san!  Wake up!  Wake up!�
   �Die!!!� he shrieked.  Suddenly, he bolted upright, his eyes wide with rage, and lunged at Elena.  �Die!!!�  His hands reached out, trying to close around her throat.  �Die!!!�
   Elena screamed.  At the sound, Shinji froze.  He stared at the girl, astonished.  Then, suddenly, the
boy fell back, limp, onto his bed.  Elena stood for a long moment, looking at the still form.  She could not stop the terrible shaking of her body.
   �Evangelion Unit One,� he moaned, �Evangelion Unit One. . .�
   �What?� she whispered.  �Evangelion?�  She stared
at him, horrified.  �You. . .�
   Her whisperings woke Shinji from his slumber.  He looked up at the girl with sleepy, puzzled eyes.
�Elena-san. . .�
   �Evangelion,� she repeated hollowly.
"Evangelion. . ."
   At first, the words did not pierce through the
cloud of sleep that enveloped him.  But her continued whisperings cleared away the haze and the boy blanched when he heard the familiar name.  He tried to speak but the words could not push past the barrier of his teeth and the words trailed off into a faint hiss.
   The two children sat quiet for many minutes before her low voice broke the silence between them.
   �So, it was you--you who did all this,� she murmured.
   Shinji lifted his hand, but it was not to comfort her or to plead for forgiveness.  He knew that he could neither give nor receive such solace.  �Yes.  I am the pilot of Evangelion Unit One.�
   �Then you were responsible for the apocalypse--the Third Impact?�
   Shinji bit his lip and nodded.  The girl dropped
her head in her hands.  Through the thick tangle of auburn hair, he saw her mouth moving, forming words,
but she made no sound.  Finally, she looked up.  Her expression was unreadable.  But he fully understood
the tone of her voice.
   �But why?  Why would you do such a thing?� she
asked quietly.  �Didn�t you understand the
consequences?  Didn't�t you know that this would happen?�
   Shinji bowed his head.  �No. . .  At the time, I didn�t know.  I was simply a tool�for NERV and. . .for
my father.  I didn�t realize what was happening until
it was too late.  I tried to stop it�I tried. . .but it wasn�t enough. . .  It wasn�t enough.  But I tried�I tried. . .�
   �So did you destroy the world�or did you save it?�  Her voice was strangely, ominously calm.  �What did you do?� she questioned again.  Suddenly she shrieked, her voice cracking with the violence of her panic and rage.   �What did you do?!�
   �I don�t know!� Shinji cried.  He pressed his
hands against his temples and shook his head.  �I don�t know!�    He paused. �But perhaps it was better that
it was destroyed. . .� he added in a low voice.
�Perhaps, it would have been better. . .that way. . .�
   Elena stood and stared helplessly at the boy
before her.  Shinji still held his head between his
hands--the knuckles were white with the pressure, the tendons were hard and rigid.  The hands quivered from the intense stress.
   Finally, the girl spoke.  �Tell me, then, why did you it?�
   �I don�t know.�
   �Don�t lie to me,� she warned.  �Answer me again.   Why did you do it?�
   �I don�t know.�
   Elena clutched his shoulders, her fingers digging painfully into his flesh.  �Tell me,� she shrieked, shaking him fiercely, �Why did you do it?!�
   �For mankind!  For NERV!  For my father!� he shouted.  Then abruptly, he whispered, �For myself.�
   She released her hold on him, her hands falling limply to her sides.  �For yourself,� she echoed
faintly.   Elena stared at the dark head bowed before
her for a long time.  She slowly stepped forward and tilted his head up with her hand.  The blue-gray eyes stared back her, dull and vacant.   With all her might, she slapped him.
   He winced but he said nothing.  The two children stared at each other: the girl in furious hate, the boy in sorrow and remorse.  Slowly, gingerly, Shinji placed his hand upon his burning cheek.
   �I hate you,� she hissed.
   Shinji dropped his head, his hand still on his cheek.  �You�re too kind. . .Elena-san.�

-------------------------------------------------------

   Shinji shifted the pack on his back.  The girl
stood staring at him from the threshold of the house.
He bowed, a small gesture of thanks.
   He began to walk, the jaw of his thin face set,
his eyes directed northward.  He walked a meter but
then, suddenly, he spun around to face the figure on
the steps.  His eyes were calm and strangely mournful.
   �Elena-san,� he said, �I was beaten because. . .I tried to shed light on the darkness within us.  That darkness, that barrier is what my father attempted to remove.  He wanted to fill the void in our minds.  But the man who beat me didn�t want to hear my message.
But I�ll tell you: the Third Impact was caused to close the gap in our minds, to destroy the barriers within
and between ourselves.  But it failed.  I could not accept it.�
   He paused for a few moments to pull out the
necklace from his pocket.  �I tried hard to accept reality, to accept myself, but I just ended up hating myself even more,� he continued quietly.  �I thought
that I could learn to live in this world, but. . .I�m just a coward.  But I know the truth can be altered, reality can be changed.  I want to change it.�
   The boy slipped the necklace around his neck.  He gazed at it for a minute and then tucked it underneath his shirt.  He looked up and gave Elena a weak smile.
�I want to be happy.�
   The boy then turned towards the north and began to walk away.






-------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  These notes will be rather long-winded, so to those of you who don't want to read it, skip it!  ^_^  Trust me, there is going to be a lot of jazz in
the following lines.

Well, to those interested, admittedly, this is a rather poor chapter.  But as I haven't written in so long, I suppose the quality can be excusable, right?  ^_^;

I was recently seized by a muse and began to write at a furious rate.  (And, consequently, ignored all the
works that I was _supposed_ to pre-read.  Gomen, Allyn, Jitou and Brian!)  As a result, I haven't seen the
light of day for a few days--I think my leg muscles
have atrophied.  ^_^;  My intense concentration on
this work could also explain why this chapter is so. . .well, convoluted.  ^_^;

I don't know exactly what was going on in my head
when I wrote this chapter.  I suppose some readers
(those who read it at all, anyway ^_^;) will be
somewhat ticked off; again, I wrote an ambiguous
chapter and failed--somewhat--to address the questions
that I raised in the last chapter.  But I thought I
did answer them--somewhat--in this chapter.  Not definitively, but sufficiently.  I guess, however,
that I'm speaking from a very biased view--perhaps it's not as clear to the reader as it is to me.  ^_^;

Some may ask, "What was the point of this
chapter?"  Well, first off, to reveal, in part,
what had happened between Yukishiro and Shinji in the
last chapter.  Secondly, to reveal a little more of
the "new" Shinji after the Third Impact.  In this
chapter (as well in the following chapters), I wanted
to delve a little bit deeper into Shinji's life, his
psyche--his past, present and future.  It's probably quite vague, but I feel that it will clear up later in the work.  I don't want to make anything obvious in
this fic--or at least, too obvious--in order to be in keeping with the original anime.  I want this work to
be as unpredictable and as metaphysical as Mr. Anno's
own work.  It's probably impossible for little me to
do this, but I wanted to give it a shot.  Lastly, I
wanted to show a little of what the world was like
after the apocalypse--the landscape, the people, etc.

I don't know if I accomplished all these objectives,
but then, that's what's C & C is for, right?  ^_^
If you have any C & C, send them over to sme291@hotmail.com or through the FFML.  ^_^






________________________________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com