I want to again thank all the people who wrote me about the teaser,
especially Richard Beaubien, Lone Wolf, Brian Payne, and
Kichigai, who each provided amusing and useful C&C. Those
responses are what really encouraged me to get the first chapter
done so quickly. The second chapter is already in the planning
stages, but how quickly I finish that will depend on the responses I
get for this. :)
Oh, so it's *responses* you want, eh? Well, take THIS!
*unleashes the Anything-Goes Fanfic Reviewing Final Attack*
...
Ok, ok, so it's a pretty pathetic final attack... shaddup. :)
Those who read the teaser and just want to read the new stuff can
skip down to the line break before "What a weird dream
Right-o.
sneak in -- especially a cute girl with proportions normally reserved
for super models.
Don't remember if I noted this before or not, but "super models" should
be one word - "supermodels".
For a moment Ken wondered what she was doing, but then
his eyes went wide as the realization hit him. "Actually, I meant
with a human girl...," he told her, but she didn't seem to hear him
as she bent down to remove her boots. People under great stress
tend to notice the most irrelevant things. Ken noticed that she had
surprisingly cute toes for a demon-girl.
Hmm... I couldn't think about what was bugging me here last time, but
this time round it came to light. The last two sentences would, IMO, read
better if they were their own paragraph, like so:
For a moment Ken wondered what she was doing, but then his eyes went
wide as the realization hit him. "Actually, I meant with a human girl...,"
he told her, but she didn't seem to hear him as she bent down to remove her
boots.
People under great stress tend to notice the most irrelevant things.
Ken noticed that she had surprisingly cute toes for a demon-girl.
Ken knew that he was more than a bit hentai. He had
dreamt about sex ever since hitting puberty. The true experience
... and your point would be?
:)
an hour at most, but after last night Ken was convinced that life
was definitely worth living.
Ah, yes... nothing like wildly erotic, all-night,
twist-your-bedsheets-into-a-knot, totally depraved sex with an inhuman fiend
from Hell (literally!) to make you realize that you have something worth
living for.
*blink blink*
Waitaminute...
Something grabbed him around the neck before he could
reach the closet. Feeling it's pointy spikes, he knew it was the
I'm just going to mention this once, because it's more of a pet peeve
than anything else, but... :)
Starting a sentence with an active verb ("Feeling") when the rest of the
story is past tense doesn't read right, even though it's qualified later on
by the past-tense "knew". I'd suggest something else, like:
Something grabbed him around the neck before he could reach the closet.
The pointy spikes that were digging into his neck immediately identified it
as the collar Kumiko had used on him when he had tried to escape last night.
heat like a kotatsu, and only got hotter when they... He'd been half-
worried she'd set his sheets on fire.
Well, she is a hottie.
*whap*
Okay, okay, I'll lay off the bad puns! Sheesh. :)
frantically coming up with. None of them had a chance. *Just
breathe deep and relax,* he thought. *Let go of everything.
Become an uncarved stone.*
Be one with the stone. Oommmmm....
Be one with the stone. Oommmmm....
Be one with the cute chick - D'OH!
Kumiko blinked at him in surprise as she sat up, her large
bat wings unfurling behind her. "Kill you? I had forgotten all
about that!" she admitted in an embarrassed tone as she rubbed the
back of her head.
Ken whimpered a bit. If only he had kept his mouth shut,
she might have gone away and left him in peace; but no, he had to
remind her that she was there to murder him.
KEN: Gee, don't *I* feel stupid.
Kumiko sighed as she leaned back on the chair and
explained, "It just doesn't feel right killing you now, not after what
we did together. I guess the orgasms I had last night are affecting
my ability to think; I never had one before."
*blink blink*
Ken had to fight hard to keep his ego from swelling to fill
up the room. Having a woman tell you that you're good in bed is
one thing, having a sexy demon-girl say it was something else.
Um, Earth to Ken: Having a sexy demon-girl who has *just* had her
*first* orgasm tell you that is NOT something you should really be all that
proud of... wait for more evidence, man!
"So I was wondering what to do with you now," Kumiko
continued, oblivious to Ken's mental anguish. "I can't just kill you,
but you still belong to me..."
KEN: PRINCESS! PRINCESS! PRINCESS!
(okay, I promise, no more bad Sorcerer Hunter references :)
Ken raced into the bathroom and peered at the mark
closely, blinking many times in surprise. He had expecting some
demonic-looking tattoo with flickering flames or something, but
instead it was a super-deformed drawing of Kumiko in a victory
pose. He groaned, nearly banging his head on the sink. "This is
your mark!?"
*slap* D'oh. It just figures. *shakes head*
"Sex... slave?" Ken repeated slowly after overcoming the
initial shock. It was certainly better than dying, a lot better when
her thought of how much he had enjoyed sex with Kumiko. Still,
becoming the slave of a demon wasn't exactly his idea of an ideal
life. There was the fact that linked to her the way her was, he had
even less chance of dating a human woman than before, and also
when Kumiko got used to orgasms, she'd probably kill him
anyway.
Real positive sort of fellow, isn't he? :)
"Yeah!" Kumiko enthused, oblivious to his distress as she
unintentionally gave him the soap girl treatment. "If we just keep
having sex all the time, I'll get little bits of your soul and it'll be
enough to last me for at least a year. I'm sure I'll be able to decide
what to do with you by then."
KUMIKO: ... not like it'll much matter, because YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE!
KEN: ... um... er... (sweating)
KUMIKO: (blushing) Sorry. It slips out sometimes.
KEN: But it didn't -
KUMIKO (smacking KEN) Not that, idiot!
"Can we go now?" Kumiko asked eagerly. "I just watched
humans on Earth for the first time this week and I really want to
experience some of the stuff I saw first-hand!"
KEN: Like what?
KUMIKO: Well, there's this thing called karaoke...
KEN: Oh, god (winces at KUMIKO's sudden glare)... er, sorry. I thought
that stuff CAME from Hell...
KUMIKO: I'm looking into importing it - the demons in charge of
punishments think that it may prove more effective than the standard
pitchforks-and-flames routine.
KEN: (shuddering) I'll bet.
"Well, okay," Kumiko said reluctantly as she suddenly
threw her arms around him. "But I really want to tell people how
great you are in bed! You should be proud!"
KEN: Oh, I am, really. But I just don't want to deal with the mindless
adoration, the drooling fangirls, the sex-starved mobs of half-dressed
nubile young ladies chasing me down every street just to rip the clothes
from my body -
KUMIKO: I don't share.
KEN: Damn.
Kumiko giggled again as she rubbed against him cheek to
cheek, though Ken was much more aware of other parts of her
*cough* Yeaap. Cheek to cheek. Riiiigghht.
...
OK, OK, I've GOTTA SAY IT!
*takes deep breath* What cheek?
*whap*
Ow.
Kumiko didn't seem at all upset by the sudden change of
mood. "Lead on, Ken-chan!" she shouted with glee as she
followed close behind.
She just wants to stare at his butt.
Ahem. :)
Very nice work, throughout. I didn't find any glaring errors, and
really couldn't find much to *criticize*, although there was a fair amount
of material to *comment* on. :)
Looking forward to the next installment!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org