Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)
/.../
Aha! So this is what has been keeping you occupied?
Warning: lots of snide comments below.
/.../
"Well, let's see what's for lunch," he muttered to himself,
untying the pack's top flap and rummaging within. He stopped
suddenly and pulled out a package, opened it, and stared. Three
pork buns stared back at him. Smiling and shaking his head, he
remembered: he'd packed the night before, not really intending to
leave the next morning but ready to, and then.... "She musta put
you guys in there this morning," he said to the pork buns, taking
a bite out of one. Just before she'd chided him about the
complaint from the village elders about his "attitude problem"--
meaning he didn't defer to them just because they were women--
and the argument had begun.
/.../
Hmm. The sentence structure is a little confusing; I'm not sure
whether you mean Shampoo put in the pork buns just before chiding
Ranma or that she'd chided him before placing the buns. With the
split sentences it reads like the latter, but there's no comma
between 'Just before' and 'she'd chided', which implies the first
meaning.
Perhaps you could rework the sentences and clarify?
/.../
It had ended with him grabbing his
pack and fleeing from her house, pursued by shrieks of rage and
flying crockery. The scene would have been more impressive if
the crockery hadn't been slated for disposal anyway and the
shrieks hadn't had an undertone that was equal parts amusement
and regret, but Ranma figured the elders would be satisfied.
Ranma stood up and looked around, estimating that the spot
where he stood was near the southern limit of the territory the
Joketsuzoku claimed; the most direct way to Japan was east from
the village, but he was headed southwest past Jusenkyo, an
/.../ Not southeast? /.../
alternate route he used when the weather was good and he wasn't
in a hurry. The stone had to have been placed as a marker,
though, and he found the reason: a barely visible, perhaps even
hidden, path leading south. He scanned the terrain in that
direction, guessing where the path might go, but in the end three
things decided him to take it: the lure of the unknown, the
"forbidden" mark, and the crisp, bright freshness of a day that
seemed made for adventure.
"Thrice-accursed aristocratic gumboil," Kiima muttered,
landing on the veranda of a building perched dizzyingly on the
side of the mountain. "Accosted on my own customary end-of-
patrol landing in front of my subordinates," as she stomped
/.../
Suggest: "Accosting me on my landing, right in front of my
subordinates,"
Actually, that raises another point: is it grammatically correct
to end the quotes with a comma there? Perhaps dropping the 'as'
and replacing the comma with a full stop?
/.../
through a doorway, not sparing a glance for the intricately
carved phoenixes decorating it. "'You're not getting any
younger,' the mudhugger says," she fumed, turning a blind corner.
"Oops."
/.../
Suggest, since I don't think fuming is a form of articulation:
"'You're not getting any younger,' the mudhugger says." She
fumed, turning a blind corner.
/.../
The other woman cocked her head to one side, causing the
thin silver chains twined into her long, dark hair to chime
faintly. "Ah. So you're not going to be my brother's mate,
then?"
"Not if he were the last man in Phoenix Mountain," Kiima
said flatly.
/.../
Kiima: I'd rather let the race die out....
/.../
The stairway ended in a landing and a metal door set into a
wall blocking the passage. Ranma tried the handle; it was stiff,
but it turned. He pulled the door open-- and something rushed at
him out of the darkness beyond. He dodged sideways, thrusting
out a hand to fend it off, and found himself staring at a large
mallet, its handle hinged above the door on the far side.
Raising an eyebrow, he glanced down the steep descent that
awaited anyone incautious enough to be caught by the mallet, and
nodded in appreciation. "Nice try-- yipe!" An array of steel
spears dropped down from holes in the ceiling, and a busy moment
later the vertical rods constrained him in a contorted pose.
/.../
Heh. Ranma Croft? Or is it Genma Jones Junior, aka Nerima Jones?
/.../
The sounds of combat met Koruma and Kiima as they burst out
into a large cavern with the guards they'd collected en route.
The intruder was an unarmed man of no exceptional stature, Kiima
noted, astonished; black pants, blue shirt, pigtail... and very,
very fast.
/.../
Uncertain, but perhaps a colon at this point, rather than a
semi-colon?
/.../
As she watched, he spun around and a scything kick
/.../
And I think a comma is necessary after 'he spun around'
/.../
sent a guard flying through the air, wings flailing limply.
Other guards were crumpled on the floor or draped over the
bulging sacks stacked on the floor of the granary.
Silence descended, save for the groans of the fallen guards
and the last flap of Kiima's wings as she landed. "I wasn't
aiming at you, fool. Good thing that part of the balcony was
under repair," she added to Koruma as her lieutenant arrived at
her side. "Curse it, I didn't want to kill.... Well, have him
given a decent burial, and tally up our casualties." The block
/.../
Suggest: 'Well, give him a decent burial, and...'
/.../
of stone suddenly split in half and fell on either side of the
prone figure of the intruder, and Kiima and Koruma froze. Kiima
absently noted that the man's first and fourth fingers were
extended.
The room he found himself in was a walled-off length of
cave. It was obviously a cell; the padlocked metal-barred
circular door was a dead giveaway, but the sparse furnishings
were also a good indication.
/.../
Again I'm almost positive that semi-colon should be a colon. The
definition I have is that the colon separates an independent
clause from words that will amplify or explain it. That seems to
fit the above sentence.
/.../
A thin straw mat was rolled up in
one corner, two buckets rested in another, and that was it.
Lamplight and air came through the door from the hallway outside,
but the stone walls and floor were only cool, not chilly, a
faintly eerie sensation.
Kiima examined him, careful to concentrate on the "wingless"
and "short" aspects, for she couldn't deny that the man was fair
of face and figure. "I suppose he'd appeal to the Joketsuzoku,"
she said distantly.
/.../
Kiima: Nope, I'm not attracted to him one bit. Not at all.
/.../
"So where'd he come from?" Fanael asked.
"He appears to be from Japan, though dressed Chinese-style,"
Kiima replied. "Mid-twenties in age, I would judge, and in good
health--"
/.../
Wait, how does she know Ranma's from Japan?
/.../
"Oh, Kiima, I'm just kidding. I'm Fanael," she added to
Ranma. "Lady Fanael of the House of the Hawk."
/.../
Hah! I knew it: they're Dragaerans with wings!
/.../
Ranma had just finished his breakfast the next morning,
considerately setting the tray outside the bars and stacking the
dirty dishes on it, when another pair of visitors arrived. To
Ranma's eye, they were not as welcome as Fanael or Kiima would
have been: both men, both richly dressed, one with feathers of
black and red, one with light-brown plumage. "Hello," he said,
standing.
/.../
Ranma: Well, I'm definitely not gay in this fic, and I get to
score as well. I like that.
/.../
"Holy shit!" Ranma gasped as he realized what was about to
happen. Taloned hands seized his upper arms. "Wait, no--
yaaaaaaaa!" The two birdmen took three running steps, dragging
him along, and then they were airborne, their wings overlapping
as they flapped in synchrony.
/.../
Hmm. My dictionary lacks 'synchrony'; perhaps 'synchronization'
instead?
/.../
As Ranma climbed the steps, the splendor that was Saffron's
throne room appeared to his astonished eyes as the sun appears
over the horizon at dawn. Guards lined the wide avenue leading
to a translucent curtain hiding the far end of the great hall.
Behind the guards, a couple of dozen nobles, mostly men, watched.
Two ornate phoenixes formed an arch over the curtain, and from
beyond it came golden light.
Kiima approached the curtained dais and knelt. Ranma looked
around, spotting Helubor and Taragon in the crowd, but then the
kneeling Koruma and Masara yanked down on his arms. Ranma
/.../
Suggest: the kneeling duo of Koruma and...
/.../
twisted free. "Forget it," he said defiantly into the sudden
hush.
At the other end of the bridge was another palatial
building, its large doors decorated with yet another phoenix.
Ranma slipped through and slammed the door, barring it just as
the first noble fists hit the other side. He puffed in relief,
straightened, and looked around.
It had to be a bedroom. No room could have a bed four
meters square and NOT be a bedroom.
/.../
Kodachi: Welcome to my parlour of love, Ranma-sama. I'd invite
you into the bedroom, but I'm currently redecorating.
/.../
"Maybe," Kiima said, but there wasn't much hope in her
voice. She didn't believe Saffron was a god on earth, as some
did, nor did she believe he was infallible, but her respect for
him as Lord of Phoenix Mountain was a tall citadel with deep
foundations. Letting Ranma escape had been her failure, and
atoning for it was her last duty.
/.../
Saffron: Hmph! I'm immortal, wield great powers, and have many
worshippers. What more could you ask?
/.../
"I have mistaken you for someone else," Kiima said shortly,
sheathing her sword. "You are trespassing on the lands of the
Phoenix Folk, by the way." She laughed bitterly and looked west,
then east to where blue gloom crept up the side of a mountain
ridge, swallowing the orange light of sunset. "But then, so am
I." She looked down at Ranma, seeming uncertain for a moment,
and then her attitude softened. "I am Kiima. As one trespasser
to another, I would like to share your fire."
Ranma cleared her throat. "Uh, sure," she said.
/.../
Ranma: Kiima has an evil twin?
/.../
Ranma shrugged. "Okay," she said agreeably. "Let me know
if you change your mind, though." She poured more water into the
pot, careful not to tip it, and pulled provisions out of her
pack.
Kiima began to take an interest despite herself as Ranma
assembled dinner. Slices of dried meat, mushrooms, a stalk of
onion,
/.../
Spring onion, I presume?
On a side note, the first time I read this I thought Kiima
opened up to Ranma a little too quickly to be believable,
but on the second reading it seemed a bit more reasonable.
/.../
"Greetings, friend," Kiima said softly. "I need to borrow
your eyes. Find a man, a short, pigtailed man. Tell me where he
is."
"Hoo-hoo." The owl spread its wings and bated, then folded
them again. It stared at Ranko, watching intently from the other
side of the fire, and then turned back to Kiima, bobbing its
head.
"Not that one. Another one," Kiima said patiently. The owl
launched itself from Kiima's wrist and disappeared into the
gathering night.
/.../
Owl: It is him, you dummy! Oh, to be able to speak in the human
tongue. Hmm, on second thought that might rot my brains....
/.../
Suddenly Kiima realized she'd waited too long. Opening her
wings all at once would turn them into a puff of feathers over a
gory crater. She might save herself, but not both of them, and
even if she let go, he still had a grip on her-- and then, to her
utter astonishment, he let go of her wrist, and that decided her.
Kiima snatched for his other wrist and got it as she extended her
wings away from her back, still clamped together, and began to
force them apart. A few loose feathers ripped free, but most
held. The drag flipped them so she was on top, and she realized
that Ranma was arranging himself below her as though to shield
her from the impact-- what gallant nonsense! They slowed, but
not quickly enough. Kiima had only time for two sinew-straining
wingbeats before the world rose up like a mighty fist and smashed
them into oblivion.
/.../
O glorious writing! This whole scene drew me in and enveloped me!
/.../
"Up there," Kiima said, pointing at a tall spire of rock
standing out from a nearby bluff.
"Aiyaaaaaa," Ranma said under his breath, measuring the
climb with his eyes. "Couldn't you have put it someplace lower?"
/.../
Shampoo: Ranma no steal Shampoo's trademark!
/.../
"Well... you gotta understand what it looked like from my
side. What you looked like. White hair, white wings, that suit
you wear... for a second I thought you were a, a, an angel."
Ranma twiddled his fingers in embarrassment.
Kiima's brow furrowed for a moment, and then she laughed.
"Ah, and you feared the wrath of heaven?"
/.../
Wait, how does she know Christian theology?
Kiima: I read a lot of books?
/.../
"You're still going to be a standout, though," Ranma
observed. "Nyanniichuan won't change your hair color or your
height, or your looks."
"No, but-- my what?"
"Never mind," Ranma said, but his faint blush as he turned
away spoke volumes.
/.../
Ranma: Yes, I'm already diddling four other women in this
continuity, but do I care? I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay!
/.../
Ranma looked up at her and frowned. For a moment she seemed
on the brink of anger, but then she said, "I'm not a pervert, if
that's what you mean. I don't even tease guys with it anymore."
"My apologies," Kiima said contritely. "There are tales of
men who wanted to be women, and women who wanted to be men, who
used the springs for that purpose."
"I'll bet. There's worse, too. There's guys who turned
animals into women 'for that purpose'. Yuck."
Kiima nodded. "We know of them. That was long ago,
though."
"They're still perverts," Ranma said darkly. "I don't go
that way."
/.../
Kiima: That's a shame. You're awfully cute as a girl.
/.../
"Look, don't tell me it's none of my business! This is my
fault, and theirs, but it's sure not yours! You did everything
just right!"
"I let you escape! I let them trick me!" Anguish filled
her voice.
/.../
Ranma: Wahahaha! Like you had any chance of stopping me! Ooops,
that was awfully insensitive of me, wasn't it?
Seriously, Ranma does seem a trifle too understanding in this
fic; not too much, but enough to make me take note. I guess
ten years of living with three (er, four) women have taught him
some things.
/.../
"Oh, bullshit. Kiima, if you'd known then what you know now
about what I can do, would you have done anything different?"
"I would have dropped a bigger rock on your head," Kiima
muttered, unwillingly drawn out of her misery.
"Heh. That's not something you get to change. Your guards
were going all-out, and it didn't help them any. You might have
killed me the first time, and you sure tried the third. Kiima,
I'm really, really good. You and your guards never had a
chance."
/.../
Ranma: Wait, I do say it here. That's more like it.
/.../
"'Burglar' is the word you're looking for, I think," came
Ranma's amused voice. "Helubor showed up. I don't think he
recognized me, but he'll know the Heart is gone as soon as he
wakes up, which should be in about two hours. Ready for the next
part?"
"Oh, yes," Kiima said eagerly. She flew up between drifting
clouds, heading north. Concealed as they were concealed, Phoenix
Mountain dwindled behind them.
/.../
Suggest removing the second 'concealed'.
/.../
Sometimes it had its bad points. A wingless foreign
intruder who tossed whole squads around like punching bags was
one of them. The guards had talked it over afterwards and
compared lumps and bruises. They'd decided two things. First,
he was doing it for fun. Second, they didn't ever want to meet
him when he wasn't doing it for fun.
Another bad point was bad leadership. Captain Kiima had
/.../
Suggest another synonym for the second use of 'bad'; perhaps 'lousy'?
/.../
been a good leader, and Pepa hadn't known it until he'd gotten a
bad leader. Koruma and Masara tried their best, but Lord Helubor
was a bad captain, and that was all there was to it. Captain
Kiima yelled at them and hit them, but that was because she
wanted them to be better guards, and thought they could be better
guards if she yelled at them and hit them. Lord Helubor yelled
at them and hit them because he thought they were scum.
Boredom was another bad point of being a guard.
Pepa started to explain this at length to his partner, but
when his mouth opened no words came out. His eyes bulged and he
dropped his spear. His buddy turned to look and did exactly the
same thing.
/.../
Oh yes, the wonderfully competent Phoenix Guards....
Kiima: Oh, where did I go wrong in my training? Hmm, it must be
because I'm a woman!
/.../
"Lord Saffron!" Koruma cried. "Lady Kiima is here seeking
audience!"
The platform shifted suddenly. The music stopped as the
alate damsel playing for Saffron dropped her dulcimer and clung
/.../
Phil scans dictionary: 'alate' - 'having wings'....
Man, where do you find such words, Vince?
/.../
to the strut nearest her. Saffron appeared over the edge,
keeping his balance easily despite the swaying of the platform,
and looked down. Kiima, already looking up, raised the Heart of
the Phoenix in one hand and the rope tethering Ranma's wrists in
the other, but said nothing; the triumph in her face said
everything necessary.
Kiima looked up, her face hard, but did not stand. "Lord
Saffron, this man I have brought before you in bonds is not the
thief." Her hand, the hand that had proffered the Heart of the
Phoenix to her lord, shifted to point accusingly at Helubor. "He
is! I name Helubor liar, thief, traitor, conspirator, and
villain!"
The rasp of Helubor's sword out of its scabbard was arrested
by Saffron's outflung hand, and the coruscating energy leaping
and dancing around its talons. "Hold, Helubor!" Saffron snapped,
/.../
'its talons'? Saffron is male, surely?
/.../
then returned his attention to Kiima. "Are these formal charges,
Kiima?"
"They are, Lord Saffron. Well, all except for the 'villain'
part," Kiima admitted. A ripple of laughter came from the
spectators at that.
Saffron's lips twitched a little, but his voice remained
grave. "And you can prove these charges, I trust?" The flames
of his hand continued to throb warningly before Helubor's
apoplectic face.
"Yes. I pursued the fugitive Ranma, and determined that he
had not stolen the Heart. His account made it clear that the
Heart was stolen by another, at Helubor's bidding, during the
confusion of Ranma's escape after the Eggs of Imprinting failed
to subdue him. Did not the counsel to execute me for this come
from Helubor?"
/.../
Suggest: 'Did he not counsel my execution?'
/.../
Kiima was very skilled indeed, Ranma saw, both at flight and
swordplay. Helubor was stronger and perhaps quicker, but Kiima's
skill and mobility gave her the edge. The question was whether
Helubor's endurance and toughness were greater than Kiima's.
Ranma was betting from personal experience that they weren't.
The battle overhead ranged from one side of the great cavern
to the other, wheeling in wide arcs around Saffron's suspended
platform while the Lord of Phoenix Mountain watched impassively.
Kiima and Helubor darted and spun, white wings and red-black
flashing in the golden light, clashing and separating, swooping
and diving. Eagle Fist and Seabird Wings lashed to and fro,
occasionally causing spectators to leap for cover.
/.../
Eagle Fists and Seabird Wings...?
/.../
Ranma felt menace approaching and realized that not everyone
was watching the duel. He turned slightly and caught sight of
Taragon drifting casually in his direction from the side away
from Koruma and Masara. The tawny-winged lord was the picture of
nonchalance, but the long dagger held along his thigh betrayed
murderous intent.
/.../
alongside?
/.../
Taragon got close enough and the dagger came up, but Ranma
was ready. He twirled aside from Taragon's lunge and sent him
crashing into the shrubbery with a deft kick.
Ranma held up his bound hands as Taragon rolled out of the
bushes and raised the dagger again. "Hey! Look at the coward!"
he yelled. "He's trying to kill a guy with his hands tied!"
That got Koruma and Masara's attention, but Taragon lunged again
before they could interfere. Ranma dropped to his back, slapping
his feet on either side of the dagger blade and twisting.
Taragon squawked as Ranma yanked him sideways and rolled him
under. A moment later Ranma was holding Taragon down with a knee
planted firmly between the man's wings; he clawed for the dagger,
but Ranma's toes held it just out of reach.
/.../
Suggest: 'Ranma dropped to his back, feet arching up to catch the
outstretched wrist and twisting.'
Catching the dagger blade is a lot trickier but also something
Ranma might do. I leave the decision to you.
/.../
"If you were a woman, you'd be a slut," Kiima said
positively. "Damn double standards. Instead you're an adulterer
or a womanizer."
/.../
Damn or damned?
/.../
She sideslipped off the stall at the top, righted herself,
and flew back down the valley. "On hot days, it's a real
pleasure to fly through the spray!" she called over the wind in
their ears.
"I'll bet!" Ranma called back. "Hey, look!" She pointed
aside at an eagle overtaking them a hundred yards away. "Let's
race!"
/.../
He pointed...
/.../
Carrying Ranma in her arms, Kiima glided along a ridge, her
wings shifting and tilting as they rode the air currents.
Finally they curved hard, cupping air and braking to drop them to
a gentle landing atop the ridge where a path emerged from a
bamboo grove. Kiima set Ranma on his feet, folding her wings
behind her. Ranma put his pack down and looked at Kiima,
fidgeting a little. "It's been great," he said. "All of it.
>From the first fight to, uh... well, thanks."
/.../
Funny symbol. More below.
/.../
It's not a likely scenario, I admit, and readers have
pointed out significant flaws in it, but it is possible, and the
responses I received indicate that it seems to have captured the
imagination of many of its readers. It certainly captured mine.
Even as I wrote AMAW, it seemed to me that it was just a
fragment of a much larger story. It was necessary to allude to
the events which culminated in AMAW, and while I did not imagine
them in much detail at that time, the broad outline was clear
enough to provide the necessary foundation.
In the aftermath of the release of AMAW, I realized that
there were several stories that could be told in that timeline:
* How it came about that Ranma married Kasumi instead of Akane.
* Ranma's first "training trip", to Kansai and China.
* The effects of Kodachi becoming Ranma's mistress.
* Akane and Ranma finally consummating their long-hidden love.
* "Ranma and the Heart of the Phoenix".
I expect to tell all of these stories eventually, and then the
original AMAW will be merely an epilogue.
/.../
Heh. Write enough of these stories and I might yet end up convinced
of AMAW's conclusions. ^_^
A spectacular story, Vince. The scenes were well plotted and slid
seemlessly into the overall storyline. Action sequences were
wonderfully written and well paced, and the descriptive narrative
simply drew the reader in.
Phil: Hmm. What else can I say to inflate Vince's ego?
Seriously, I most impressed with this. Very, very nice indeed.
Phil.
/.../