The concept is quite funny. The story works... but if you want people to take your story seriously, you must read over it a couple of times before posting it.

I found several horrible errors in the writing.

Some of them wouldn't have been found by the spell checker because the error forms a real word... but it is awfully confusing on the first pass.

I strongly suggest you re-read what you posted and clean it up before re-posting.

The man joke near the end was hilarious. Made me think of Ranma a bit. ^_^

Don't give up. You have a viable idea... it's presentation needs help though.