"The S.I.lence of the Lambs"
Ranma and co. are the inventions of Rumiko Takahashi. The ANCs
belong to themselves.
WARNING! NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!! This'd be a spamfic if
it wasn't just a touch too long.
It was a typical summer's day at the Tendo dojo. The
stifling heat had driven the residents to fling wide the shoji
door; electric fans whirred, vainly trying to move the thick
air around to offer some form of relief to the family.
Ranma (in girl form- it was too damn sticky to even
contemplate anything to do with hot water) was dressed in a
pair of shorts and a tanktop, lay on her back on the tatami
mat, staring at the ceiling. The rest of the family were
strewn about the house in similar states of heat exhaustion.
The windchime tinkled once in the fitful breeze. A koi
jumped sluggishly from the pond into the humid air. A knock
came at the door.
"I'll get it!" Kasumi said cheerily from the kitchen and
emerged into the engawa; the only sign that she was at all
affected by the steamy day was a slight curl in the ends of
her hair. Humming pleasantly to herself, she answered the
door.
In the doorway stood a woman of average height, dressed
in vaguely chinese clothing that clung sweatily to her body.
She was an attractive caucasian, in her late twenties, who
appeared, at first glance, to be even more of a tomboy than
Akane, Ukyo or even Ranma-chan. Her hair was short and
chestnut-brown, cut in a style vaguely reminiscent of Akane's.
Gray eyes peered over small glasses as she smiled awkwardly,
wiping the sweat off her brow and brushing her bangs out of
her eyes.
"Oh thank God," she muttered upon seeing Kasumi, "I found
it."
"I beg your pardon?" Kasumi said sweetly, inclining her
head in a questioning manner.
"Oh, sorry. F'rgot my manners..." The woman bowed
awkwardly. "This is the Tendo Dojo, isn't it?"
"Yes..." Kasumi said, perplexed. "If you're hear to
challenge Father or Ranma, you really should use the back door
like the sign says..."
"Oh, is _that_ what it said? Sorry. I can barely read
hiragana, let alone any kanjii. I thought it said 'no
flyers'... Actually," The woman continued, "I'm looking for
someone."
"It wouldn't happen to be Ranma Saotome would it?" Kasumi
asked pleasantly, mentally cursing at the cleanup she'd have
to do after Ranma's latest visitor issued her inevitable
challenge. Unless... "I'm terribly sorry to ask this, and you
really _must_ forgive me for being so forward, but you
wouldn't happen to be another fiancee, would you?"
The woman smiled and rolled her eyes. "Nope. I'm a
married woman, thanks. Listen, can I come in? I'm actually
hoping the Tendos and Saotomes can help me..."
"Oh my, yes, please do..." Kasumi waved her in, and noted
with approval that the foreigner knew to remove her shoes in
the engawa and step into a pair of the guest slippers. Kasumi
led the woman into the sitting room, where the menfolk (and
semi-menfolk) were collapsed. "Father, everyone, we have a
visitor..."
Soun and Genma looked up from their eternal shogi game
and took in the woman standing next to Kasumi, who was
glancing around the room with an awe-struck expression. Ranma
sat up, leaving a sweat-stain on the tatami.
"Yo..." Ranma said tiredly. "I s'pose you're lookin' fer
me, right? Well, let's get it over with. What'd Pop steal from
ya, an' how much of a pastin' are ya gonna need before you go
away?"
The woman smiled, relaxing somewhat. "Wow, you sound just
like her, this is fairly cool. No, I'm not a fiancee, or a
challenger, or anything like that, Ranma. I actually need your
help..."
"Really?" Ranma exclaimed, relieved. "Well, I mean, sure!
It's a martial artist's duty ta help... Hey! Howd'ya know my
name?"
"Hey, you're famous in certain circles Ranma," Akane
teased, coming down the stairs with a panting P-chan in her
arms. "Of course we'd be happy to help you, if we can..."
Akane said to the guest, giving her kawaii smile, the one
reserved for those persons who were neither out to kill her or
date her or her fiance. "I'm Akane, how can we help?"
"My name's... Well I guess you could just call me Neko, I
guess..." the visitor began, not noticing Ranma's shudder as
she settled down awkwardly into a cross-legged position, "I'm
looking for my husband. He disappeared last week."
Kasumi oh my'd, Akane smiled softly in sympathy, Soun and
Genma tsk-tsked. Ranma merely blinked.
"Terrible." Genma intoned gruffly. "That a man should
walk out on his wife... What? Why is everybody staring?"
Akane bulled on ahead despite Genma's hypocrisy. "Have
you contacted the police?"
"Mm-hmm," The woman nodded, "Although I have reason to
believe that he may have come here, to the Tendo Dojo. He's
not in Okayama, or Juuban, or Tokyo..."
Akane blinked, glancing over to Ranma. "Have we had any
challengers this week that I don't know about?"
"Well, there was Mousse on Tuesday, and Ryoga..." She
scowled over at P-chan, who stuck out his tongue.
"...yesterday, so unless you're married to either of them..."
Ranma's eyes widened. "You ain't married to one a' _them_, are
ya?" The redhead began to laugh. "Oh, that'd be just
perfect..."
Neko blinked. "Nope. Ryoga's kinda cute, mind you... "
She didn't notice P-chan's eyes bug out at that statement. "My
baka husband's about Ryoga's height, brown hair, similar
hairstyle, only much, much shaggier, needs a shave... wears
glasses. He might be an awesomely powerful martial artist,
though..."
"MIGHT?!"
"Well, he didn't say what he'd be up to while he was
here, but being an awesomely-powerful martial artist is the
done thing around here, isn't it?"
"Er... Yeah, I guess..." Ranma muttered, growing more
confused by the moment.
"So, have you seen him?"
"I don't... _think_ so..."
"Why don't you tell us what happened, Neko?" Akane
interjected. "Maybe that'll clear some of this up..."
"Yeah, okay. It all happened last week. I was gone for a
couple of hours, doin' some running around. Y'know, for
groceries n' such? When I got back to the house, he was gone.
It's wasn't like there was anything missing, except his
wallet, so I figured he'd stepped out for a couple of
moments... When he didn't come back after a couple of hours, I
called around but none of our friends or family had seen him.
When his work called and asked why he hadn't been in, I got
really worried..."
"That sounds terrible. Would you like some tea?" Kasumi
asked sympathetically. Neko accepted the cup with a nod and
took a sip. Immediately her hair stood on end.
"Yowza!" She looked down at the steaming green liquid.
"Yumm, o-cha. Geez, that's a lot of caffeine. My husband used
to joke that you could sell this stuff in nickle-bags..." She
cleared her throat, embarrassed at her digression. "Anyways, I
called the police after twenty-four hours went by without a
word. He's got no enemies, or at least no one who wants him
dead-"
"Lucky guy..." Ranma grumbled.
"I looked around, but there wasn't any note. That's when
I thought to look in his computer. He spent a few hours on the
'net everyday, so I thought I might be able to figure out
where or why he'd gone..."
"Was there another woman?" Akane asked sympathetically.
"I hear that a lot of people hook up through chat lines..."
"No, that wasn't it. The baka couldn't use MiRC if his
life depended on it, and he hates ICQ. He gets a lot of e-mail
in, though, from a mailing list, so that was the first thing I
checked. In his drafts folder, there was a half-written reply
to someone's post, that led me here."
"What kind of a mailing list?" Ranma asked, a growing
suspicion niggling at her mind.
Neko sobbed. "Oh god, it's horrible! I'm so ashamed! My
husband... writes fanfiction!!" She collapsed in tears.
"Oh dear god, NO!" Ranma cried. "Not that!!!"
"Yes..." Neko sniffled. "Oh, how I curse the day he
discovered it! It's led him down the path to depravity..."
After the wailing and gnashing of teeth had died down,
Akane began her questions anew.
"So... what was in the e-mail?"
"H-he... He was reading a story, when he just snapped!
The story was a self-insert (he really, really loathes those)
but he'd decided to look it over based on a half-decent review
from Elsa Bibat... And I guess he just flipped! He started
ranting in the letter about how anyone could write better than
this turnip, and that he'd by god show THEM a thing or two..."
"So you think he might have come here?"
"Yes. He usually writes about you folks, so I figured he
might have inserted himself here... I read a few SI stories to
figure out how he did it (He's right by the way. By and large,
they're pretty horrid things) and then wrote myself in..."
"You poor thing! Whatever could have made him do
something so horrible?" Kasumi asked soothingly.
"W-well, he's been quitting smoking so his behaviour's
been pretty erratic lately. I guess the bad SI was just too
much for his fragile, nicotine-starved brain to take!"
"So what do you think he's gonna do?" Ranma asked.
"Well..." Neko pondered, "He was ranting about all SI's
being basically the same... From my research, writers who come
here do at least one of three things. First, they try and
solve everybody's romantic problems..."
"Huh. Come to think of it, Akane and I _have_ been
getting along better lately..." Ranma considered. "And the
other girls haven't come by in while..."
"Secondly," Neko continued, "They usually write
themselves in as godlike martial artists who challenge Ranma
and hand him his head, only to become his good friend and
confidant..."
"Well, that hasn't happened." Ranma assured her.
"Nobody's been by in a while to challenge me..."
"And thirdly, the most common thing to do," Neko
continued, "Is to sleep with one or all of your fiancees,
Ranma!"
"NANI?!" Ranma bellowed.
"Akane!" Soun yelped, tears in full flow. "Tell me you
haven't allowed some scruffy gaijin to defile you!!!"
"OF COURSE NOT!!" Akane screamed, outraged. "I WOULD
NEVER!!!"
Ranma, P-chan and Neko breathed hearty sighs of relief. A quick round
of phone tag ascertained that none of the other girls had been despoiled,
although
all were willing anytime Ranma felt like popping 'round.
Suddenly, a light bulb went on over Neko's head. She slammed
her fist into her open palm, standing up like a shot.
"There's one other thing SI authors are notorious for!"
"What is it?! What?!" The family squawked.
"Nine times out of ten, they end up dating Nabiki!"
"Sa-ayy..." Ranma said suspiciously. "Where IS Nabiki,
anyway? I haven't seen her all... day..." Her voice died off
as he glanced around at the others in horror.
"That BASTARD!" Neko swore. "He wouldn't DARE!"
Just then, Nabiki's cheery voice called in from the
engawa. "Tadaima! I'm ho-ome! I want you all to meet my new
boyfriend, Deibu..."
Neko suddenly manifested a battle-aura worthy of
Happosai.
"I'LL KILL HIM!! I'LL DEMOLISH HIM!!"
Akane graciously handed Neko her mallet.
"Thanks, Akane..." Muttered the annoyed woman as she went
to deal with her errant husband...
"Aw, but honey! I was only following the conventions of
the genre!!!!!"
"I'LL give you GENRE!!!! DEIBU NO BAKAAA!!!!!!!!!"
Pummel, stomp, crunch, punt.....
"UNCUUUUUTEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"
***********************
The End.
AFTERWORD BY DAVE "DEIBU" MENARD:
It's hard to type in a body cast... Seriously, though. No real
malice was intended towards SI authors. We were just messin'
wit'cha. Really.'Night, all...
AFTERWORD BY CAT "NEKO" ARNOLD:
Despite the spurious statements attributed to me in my
baka-husband's fic, I wouldn't really kill Dave if he ran around
on me with Nabiki. I'd just take Ryoga to bed and call it even.
Bai-bai!
00/07/06
Dave Menard
-------------------------------------
Fanfiction page:
http://spghome.tripod.com/