Private jet en route from San Diego to Tokyo.
"Whoa, you guys have gotta check this view!" proclaimed Grunge as he
pressed his face against a window.
Tom: (Grunge) I can see New Jersey from here!
"We already did. It’s the Pacific Ocean. And it’s still going to be
the ocean until we get to Japan," sighed Burnout as he looked up from
his magazine.
Mike: Five will get you ten it’s an issue of Playboy.
Crow: He must have borrowed it from Rainmaker.
"Oh, let Grunge have his fun. After all, it’s not everyday that we get
to travel in something like this,"
Tom: A ride in the Mystery Machine is truly a once in a lifetime
experience.
said Sarah, as she gestured at the luxurious cabin of the jet.
And luxurious it was. Instead of the usual row seating found on most
planes, this jet had several comfortable overstuffed chairs and couches
as well as a minibar, TV, and a small refrigerator.
Mike: Apparently they’re flying Hilton Airlines
"Yeah, this plane kicks ass! Shame it doesn’t have one those revolving
beds like in Austin Powers. If it did, I could join the Mile High Club,"
mused Grunge.
"You only get into the Mile High Club if you do that with a partner,"
joked Bobby.
Tom: Oh, chalk on up for Bobby.
"Aw, suck it, jerkweed!"
Tom: (Bobby) Not without cold hard cash...
Mike: Tom...
Crow: You’re sure this isn’t going to into a lemon?
Mike: (nervous) Fairly sure.
"Guys, could you please hold it down? I’m trying to read," admonished
Fairchild.
Crow: (Fairchild, grumbling) Jeez, Power Pack has more maturity than
these goofs.
"What are you reading?" asked Sarah.
Tom: (Fairchild) An old Ranma ½ issue. That Shampoo is so silly!
"It’s a book on Japanese culture Mr. Lynch gave me. It’s really very
fascinating,"
Crow: (Fairchild as Spock) The shortness of these skirts is
most…fascinating.
began Kat as she held up her book. " This section here talks about the
traditional tea ceremony. Did you know tha--"
Mike: Tradition states that if you don’t like the tea, you can politely
inform your host of this by discreetly pouring scalding hot water on
their lap.
"Uh, I think I’ll go see what my dad is up to," interrupted Bobby.
Hoping to avoid a boring lecture, he headed up to the cockpit.
Crow: Only to find that his father had a thing for piloting in pink
speedos and nothing else.
Mike: (turning green) I really didn't need that image, Crow.
As he headed to the front of the plane, Burnout passed Freefall who was
lying on a couch.
Tom: (Bobby) She’s sleeping of another bender. God, I don’t know why we
let that booze hound stay on the team.
She had her eyes closed, and was singing along softly to the music
coming from her Diskman.
All: (singing) Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon, ‘cause that cartoon
has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing!
"Rainy day man, on your shoulder I cried, when my first brush with love
left me shaking inside. Rainy day man," she sang.
Mike: So that's what in the "Sounds from Hell" album...
Crow: If this guy was going to steal lines from a Sailor Moon song why
couldn’t it have been “Fire Soul Bird in Love?”
Tom: I always liked “Sailor War Supreme.”
Mike: Guys, I think this was just supposed to be an in-joke for the
Sailor Moon fans or something.
"Cripes, I don’t know how she can listen to that mall bunny music.
Still, I guess I should just consider myself lucky she it’s listening to
Hanson,"
Crow: Silver lining number two.
mused Bobby, as he entered the cockpit.
"Is there something wrong, son?" asked John Lynch from behind the
controls.
Tom: (Bobby) Not much. Sarah keeps screaming something about seeing a
monster on the wing, but I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.
"No, I just needed a little time away from the others."
"You mean away from Grunge?"
"Mostly, yeah.
Mike: (Bobby, sniffling) Do you think Grunge and I should start seeing
other people? Nothing's been the same ever since he discovered the Venus
5.
Listen, uh, dad, there was something I wanted to ask you back in San
Diego, but didn’t get the chance," said Burnout.
"What?"
Crow: (Bobby) Is there something I should know about you and Ken? Not
that there’s anything wrong with that…
"When did you learn to fly a jet? And speaking of the jet, how did we
afford this? I know we’ve got money, but this seems way out of our price
range."
Tom: That’s why they got the plane at Big Ed’s Used Aircraft Yard. If
your plane crashes, and you live, Big Ed will sell you new one for half
price!
"To answer your last question first," began Lynch, "the plane was Ken’s
doing. I don’t know how he pulled it off, but I’m not going to look a
gift horse in the mouth.
Mike: (Mr. Ed) Get your damn hand out of my mouth!
"As for me flying, well, I learned to pilot just about anything back in
my Team 7 days. Flying is just like riding a bike; you never forget
how."
Crow: (Lynch) I learned from the very best. Launchpad McQuack himself.
"Okay, but wouldn’t you still need a license or something? The people
at the airport don’t let just anyone fly a plane."
Tom: This guy must never have seen Royal Canadian Air Farce.
Lynch turned and gave Bobby a mischievous grin.
Crow: (Lynch) Son, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
Mike: That’s not funny, Crow!
Tom: What’s the matter, Mike? You do some time in Istanbul?
Mike: (defensive) I don’t want to talk about it!
"Son, do I really need to tell someone your age just how easy it is to
get fake ID?"
Tom: (Bobby) Nope, I’ve got mind right here. Say, what’s the drinking
age in Japan?
Burnout took a moment to process his father’s words. "I guess not. So
how did you meet this guy we’re going to see?"
Crow: (Lynch) Our eyes met across a crowed room. From the moment we saw
each other, we knew it was love.
"It’s a long story, son. One I’m not quite ready to tell. Let’s just
say it involves me, Ken, a paranoid crime boss with a passion for the
occult, and a ancient legend about seven rainbow crystals."
Tom: Sounds like an issue of Planetary to me.
"Rainbow crystals. Riiiiight," grumbled Bobby as he left the cockpit.
Mike: (Bobby) I knew he shouldn't have switched to that new medication.
Rassum frassum...
Tokyo was in flames. Everywhere she could hear people screaming.
Crow: Looks like Mr. And Mrs. Natsume got into another spat and decided
to break out the bazookas.
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Oh right, you haven’t seen All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku.
Mike: Whatever. Let’s just keep going.
"-monster! It will destroy-"
All: (bad Japanese accent) Godzilla!
"-my wife! It killed my wi-"
"-powerful! We're doom-"
"Run! It's coming this wa-"
"-destroyed the whole buildi-"
Tom: It’s Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor.
"Mommy, where are you?!"
The crowd surged over her like a tidal wave, knocking her to the
ground. Gritting her teeth, Raye managed to get to her feet.
Mike: People get so pushy during those blue light specials at K-Mart.
She then reached out and grabbed one of the fleeing people. "What’s
going on?!" she demanded.
Tom: (guy) Why, nothing! We just like running around and screaming at
random.
Her momentary captive, a young man in a denim jacket, fanatically tried
to jerk out of her grasp. Raye only held on tighter. "What’s going on?"
she repeated evenly.
Crow: (guy) Let go! George Lucas is giving out refunds for The Phantom
Menace!
"It’s a monster!" screamed the man. "It’s blowing stuff up left and
right! It’s already killed a lot of people!"
Tom: Rodan?
Crow: Gammara?
Mike: Ricky Martin?
Raye was about to press for more information, but in a burst of
adrenaline-fueled strength, the young man broke her grip and fled.
Tom: Leaving his arm behind, much like how the gecko drops his tail when
pinned down.
Just then, the sound of a massive explosion filled the air. Raye
whirled to see the top third of Tokyo Tower sheared off by a large
fireball.
Crow: Bruce Willis stars in Die Hard 4: Tokyo With a Vengeance.
"It finally happened! The Negaverse is invading the earth! I have to
find the others and hope we're not to late!"
Mike: More likely it’s those pesky Breen again.
With that, the raven-haired girl cried "MARS POWER!"
Tom: Black power!
Mike: Oh, are we going to get letters for that one…
Instantly strange energy began to flow around her body, and Raye felt
the familiar sensation of her transformation into Sailor Mars.
Crow: (Optimus Prime) Autobots, roll out!
When the change was over, Raye opened her eyes to find that she was no
longer in the panic filled streets but, in a dimly lit park.
Tom: The sight of just about every single Sailor fight ever.
She felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up, as it always did
when she was in the presence of evil.
Mike: (Raye) I sense evil. That means DIC executives must be nearby.
"Sailor Moon? Mercury? Jupiter? Anyone?" Mars called.
Tom: (Raye) I know one of you ate my last bucket of Chunky Monkey, so
you may as well come out and face the music.
"Looking for your friends, little girl? Here, let me help you,"
chuckled an unseen voice.
Crow: (creepy voice) Would you like a piece of candy, little girl?
Tom: Don’t even think it, Crow.
Crow: You’re no fun anymore, Servo.
It was then that the park became brighter and Mars could see the
bodies of four people lying near her. "Serena! Amy! Lita! Mina! No!" she
cried as she recognized her fellow Scouts.
Mike: Jeez, this is starting to sound a lot like “Maximum Carnage.”
"I'm sorry, but they can't hear you at the moment. They're all a bit
busy being dead," said the voice.
Tom: But if you leave your name and number at the beep, they’ll get back
to you as soon as they reincarnate.
"No! It can't be true!" screamed Raye as she ran to Sailor Moon's
side. The blonde girl's body had many cuts, bruises, and burns.
Mike: Serena didn’t fair so well in her fight against Chun Li on
Celebrity Deathmatch.
Her tiara was covered in blood and her Crescent Moon Wand, snapped in
two, was still clutched in her hand.
Crow: Saaaaayyyyyy...
"Serena, you can't be dead! You hear me, meatballhead, you can't!"
begged Raye, her voice filled with tears.
Mike: (Raye) You still own me five bucks! Oh, and is it okay if I start
dating Darien again?
"Oh, but she is. She and all the others. You're the last one left,
little Scout," gloated the voice.
Tom: Mike, I’m sensing a hentai scene…
Mike: Hang tight, Tom. We survived “The Countess Chronicles,” remember?
If we can take that, we take anything this guy can toss at us.
"Once you're gone, nothing will stand in the way of Queen Beryl's
conquest of this world."
Crow: (voice) Of course, Gatchaman's still hangin' around, but I'm sure
we can take care of them in a jiffy.
"Show yourself!" demanded Mars as she stood from her friend's body.
"Face me, monster! Face me and on behalf of Mars, and my friends, I'll
punish you!"
Crow: (monster) Oh, goodie! I’ve been such a bad, bad boy.
Mike: You’re not helping, Crow.
"Very well. Let us see if you are a true warrior of Mars," answered
the voice.
Tom: (voice) We shall settle this as warriors or not at all! Do you know
Cripple Mr. Onion?
Raye turned and saw a figure cloaked in shadow standing behind her.
Tom: “Moonlight Heroes” featuring a guest appearance by Batman.
Mike: (squinting) Looks more like Jackie Estacado to me, Tom.
The only part of the being not black as midnight was its eyes. The left
one was a sinister yellow Raye had seen in many of the monsters she had
fought.
Crow: I take it that all youmas are related to Darth Maul.
Tom: Inbreeding... That would explain why potatoes are brighter than
your average Negaverse minion.
But the other was an angry shade of crimson. That eye seemed to
radiate with energy.
Mike: Hey, she’s fighting X-Man!
Crow: Or possibly Cable.
Suppressing her rage, Sailor Mars began to focus her power. She felt
the inferno inside her and let it build until she could not hold it
anymore.
Tom: (Raye) God, I’m never eating Mexican again!
"MARS FIRE…IGNITE!"
The fireball flew from her hands toward the creature. Suddenly, the
flames spilt into two streams and flowed harmlessly around the thing's
body.
Mike: The Thing? How’d he get in this story?
Crow: Maybe he’s trying to escape being written by Chris Claremont.
Tom: Now that was a revoltin’ development.
"No, it can't be," whispered Mars.
Crow: (Raye) Stephen Gately can't be gay! NOOOOOO!!!
"Is that the best the famed Sailor Mars has to offer? Pity," said the
creature. "Your fallen friends put up a much better fight. I think you
should join them now. IN OBLIVION!!"
Mike: (to the screen) Hit your Caps Lock key! It seems to be stuck!
Then a beam of pure red flew from the creature's eye at the last Sailor
Scout.
Tom: If Raye's the last Sailor Scout, does that mean Sailor Chibi-moon
is dead?
(Bots cheer and clap)
Mike: Now, guys, remember that Chibi-moon hasn't even appeared yet.
Tom: (sulkily) Thanks for taking away what little scraps of happiness I
found in the fanfic, Mike.
"NO!!" screamed Mars as she felt the energy hit her, burn her, consume
her…
Crow: Thrill her, kiss her, kill her...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"NO!!" shouted Raye as she sat up. Her heart was pounding and sweat
drenched her body.
Crow: Hey, now it’s getting good…
Mike: Don’t encourage the hentais, Crow.
"A dream! Just a dream!" she panted as she looked around the familiar
setting of her room.
Tom: A dream?! Jeez, it’s even lamer in this story then it was in The
Lost Boys.
After a few deep breaths, Raye managed to calm herself down a bit.
"It’s closer. Whatever that monster is, it’s closer now," she thought.
"It’s real and when it gets here it’s going to be horrible.
Mike: Could you beat me over the head a bit more? I’m still not sure if
what’s coming is going to be horrible.
I have to warn the others. I can’t let…won’t let them die!" angrily
swore Raye as she fought back tears.
Tom: (Raye) Get back! I have an ofuda and I'm not afraid to use it!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Narita Airport, Tokyo, Japan
"Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so!
Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so!" sang
a very off key voice.
Crow: Oh, wonderful! The Vapors are making a comeback.
"Grunge! Shut you will you?! People are starting to stare!" gasped
Freefall.
Mike: (random passer-by) These superpowered Americans... sheesh. Before
you know it, we'll have to rebuild Tokyo Tower again.
Crow: (ditto) Did you see the mess the Avengers left behind? If I never
have to see Mjolnir again for the rest of my life, it'll be too soon.
"Come on, Rox, I’m trying to get into the Japanese spirit!"
Tom: Oh, you'll fit RIGHT in, Grunge.
Mike: Hey, La Blue Girl was created in Japan, and so was
"Urotsukidouji." It's not a stretch.
"Somehow don’t think singing bad 80’s pop tunes is the way to go,"
remarked Rainmaker.
Tom: Try singing bad early 90’s rap. I hear the Japanese just love Kid
‘n Play.
"Hey, Sarah, does that stick up your ass hurt when you walk?" retorted
Grunge.
Crow: (Rainmaker) It’s not a stick, it’s a—
Mike: Crow!!!
"Zip it, Grunge!" snapped Lynch. "We haven’t been on Japanese soil
twenty minutes and you’re already making a fool of yourself."
Tom: Twenty minutes? How'd Grunge get that much self-control?
"Mr. Lynch, I was wondering, how are we going to get into the city?"
asked Fairchild.
Mike: (Lynch) I've been told that the sewage system is pretty
extensive...
"Hello? Earth to Caitlin," said Roxy. "We take a cab. Just like
everyone else."
Mike: Really? I heard that "everybody else" takes the subway in Japan.
Crow: Mike, you're boring me. Quit it.
"According to my guidebook, a trip from the airport to downtown could
run us as much as two hundred dollars," informed the redhead.
Tom: (Fairchild) I’m such a know-it-all. Tee hee!
"Two hundred dollars! No freakin’ way!"
Crow: Two hundred dollars, same as in town.
"Caitlin is correct, Roxy." said Lynch "Things are quite expensive in
Japan. But that won’t be an issue since Ken said he would provide us
with transportation."
Mike: (Lynch) I hope you all know how to ride unicycles.
"Wow, Ken must be a really great friend to do all this for you,"
commented Rainmaker.
"That he is, Sarah."
Crow: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
"Yeah, he’s great. But there’s one problem he can’t help us with,"
grumbled Bobby.
Tom: Oh, I don't know. Viagra's been approved in Japan.
Mike: Tom, don't you start.
"And that is?" quizzed Lynch.
All: (Grunge) Getting out of this story!
"Trying to find our luggage in this place!"
Crow: (Lynch) No problem! I'll just have Wolverine... Oh, wait. Wrong
team-- sorry.
On the roof of one of the outer terminals there was a brief flash of
light.
Tom: Queen Amidala's forces were about to storm the palace.
When the flash was over, a man with flowing white hair, wearing a gray
militaristic uniform and a white cape stood there.
Mike: I really hate Magneto’s new costume.
His name was Malachite.
Crow: (Malachite) Hi, my name is Malachite and I’m an anime character.
Tom & Mike: Hi, Malachite!
Malachite pulled a small black jewel from his pocket and watched as it
glowed with a slight blue light.
Crow: (Malachite) Cool, the ‘shrooms are starting to kick in.
"Something in this area is giving off powerful energy readings," he
thought. "Could it be the Silver Imperium Crystal?"
Tom: (Malachite) Clever of the Sailors to disguise themselves. I wonder
which one's the old guy...
Mike: Tom, we don't even know if the jewel's reacting to Gen13.
Tom: Yeah? Don't tell me you don't see what's coming.
Mike: Point taken.
Following the jewel’s glow, Malachite wandered to the edge of the roof
and looked down at a passenger loading area.
Tom: (Malachite) Now where’s the Delta terminal? I’m going to miss my
flight!
"Nothing. Nothing but pathetic humans!" he growled. "How could any of
them be giving off such power?"
Mike: They had nuclear reactors strapped to their torso.
Malachite’s question was interrupted by a sound from the loading area.
Crow: Nih! Nih! Nih!
Tom: (badly-dubbed voice) Run! Knights Who Say “Nih!” gonna take over
Tokyo!
"My woman from Tokyo, she makes me see, my woman from Tokyo, she's so
good to me!"
Mike: (radio DJ) Rock for people who can’t accept that they aren’t hip
any more! Only on WFSL, fossil radio!
Malachite saw that the noise was coming from a group of teenagers and
an older man who were standing by a limo.
Crow: (Malachite) My god! The cast of 7th Heaven is here!
"Dammit, Grunge, shut up!" yelled the blond male. "Bad enough I had to
listen to your Chris Rock impressions on the ride over.
Mike: Say, if Chris Rock was a superhero, who do you think he’d be?
Crow: Black Vulcan?
Mike: That certainly would make SuperFriends a lot more interesting.
Crow: (Chris Rock as Black Vulcan) That’s right, I’m the token black guy
again. It’s almost like I’m back on Saturday Night Live.
Now that we’re here there’s no way I’m going to listen to you butcher
Deep Purple!"
"Unclench, will you, Bobby?" said the short, dark-haired one Malachite
presumed was "Grunge."
Tom: (Grunge) A little prune juice would do wonders for you, Bobby.
"Will you two knock it off and get in?" growled the older man.
Crow: (Bobby) Gee, dad, can both of us fit in there?
Mike: I have a feeling I should be yelling at you right now.
Malachite took a moment to study him, presuming older one to be in
charge.
Mike:(Malachite) That guy looks just like Clint Eastwood! If Dirty Harry
is planning to take on the Negaverse we could be in real trouble.
He had a weather-beaten face and a pair of scars cutting diagonally
across his right eye. "A warrior, that one," mused the General.
Tom: If you call someone who was once mauled by a cat while getting his
morning paper a warrior, yes.
"I don’t know this Ken guy but I sure do like his style!" gushed the
girl with the pink streaks in her hair.
Crow: (Malachite) Rini in disguise?! Must... control... sugar...
shock...
"We’ll be meeting him for dinner tomorrow, Roxanne. You can thank him
then," said the older one as the group climbed into the limo.
As the car drove off, Malachite again glanced at his jewel.
All: (singing) You were meant for me, and I was meant for youuuuuuuuu…..
A bright halo of blue energy surrounded it. "Those humans, there’s
something special about them," he assessed. "I must find out what their
power is. And if it can be used to gain the Silver Imperium Crystal."
Mike: Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
Crow: I'm telling you, Malachite missed his calling as a comic book
writer.
With another burst of light, Malakite was gone.
Tom: Malachite, however, decided to wander off and get a few shots of
tequila at a nearby bar.
Mike: A few shots of tequila sounds good right about now. You guys up
for a break?
Crow: You even have to ask?
(Mike picks up Tom and leaves the theater, Crow leading the way.)
(6…5…4…3…2…1)