San Diego, California, USA
It was two hours after Lynch’s call had ended that Gen13 returned home.
Anna quickly hustled them into the living room saying only that Lynch
had an announcement of some sort.
Tom: (Lynch) I know this is going to be hard for all of you to accept,
but we’re now owned by DC Comics.
As Lynch entered the room, he did a quick scan of the group. Fairchild,
as usual, was quiet and waiting patiently,
Mike: (Fairchild, mumbling) Arsenic in his tea? Or is that too Agatha
Christie?
Grunge with fiddling with a Gameboy,
Crow: (Grunge) My Metapod evolved into a Butterfree! Pokémon rules!
Bobby was pacing, Roxy was painting her nails, and Sarah was glancing
out the window.
Tom: (Sarah) Ugh! The fat guy next door is watering his lawn in his
underwear again.
"All right, team, pay attention," ordered Lynch.
Mike: (Lynch) You are required to maneuver straight down this trench...
Tom: Mike, that joke's been done a million times. Can it.
"Today I was contacted by Kenichi Sato, an old friend of mine
Crow: (Lynch) If you know what I mean...
Mike: Crow, no!
Tom: Hey, at least that'll make the fanfic more interesting than it is
now.
from my freelance adventurer days.
Tom: (Lynch) Ah, rolling boulders and poison arrows... I really miss
those days.
He’s a bigshot in Japanese Intelligence these days, and he’s come across
information which he thinks may be of use to us."
"What kind of information?" asked Bobby.
Mike: The secret code that let’s you have infinite lives in Doom 64.
"He wasn’t very forthcoming with details. But I trust this man with my
life, and if he says it’s good then it’s good. The only catch is that he
wants to give me the information personally."
Crow: (Lynch) A guy I haven’t spoken to in years is asking me to come to
another country to pick up some secret information, but he won’t tell me
what it is. Yep, nothing suspicious about that at all.
"Whoa! Mr.L, are you saying we're going to Japan?!" interrupted Grunge.
Tom: (Lynch) No, Grunge. I'm saying that Ken will smuggle himself into
the U.S. inside a giant crate of Final Fantasy VIII.
"Yes," sighed Lynch. Would that boy ever learn some manners?
Mike: Is the Pope Jewish?
"I think this would be a good educational opportunity for all of you.
Crow: (Lynch) And a chance for me to party while you visit museums.
Woohoo!
Spending time immersed in a foreign culture is a excellent way to expand
one’s mind."
Tom: ARGH! My mind is expanding! It’s gonna blow!
"You mean were going to have to learn stuff? Bummer."
All: (singing) We don’t need no education…
"Quiet, Grunge," snapped Lynch. "Now there is only one slight problem
with our trip.
Crow: (Lynch) We’re going to be crammed into a Winnebago and filmed 24-7
by MTV.
Since we're currently fugitives from I/O, that makes leaving the country
tricky for us.
Mike: (Lynch) The Canadians are still refusing to let us back into their
country. I guess they’re still mad about the CN Tower incident.
I’m already making arrangements, but it’ll be about three days before
everything is secure."
Mike: (random Gen13) Um, Mr. L, why are you taping wings to our backs?
Tom: (Lynch) We're running a little low on funds. Does everyone have
enough trail mix and water?
"Will my father be coming with us?" asked Fairchild.
Mike: (Fairchild) Please say ‘no.’ He’s such a dweeb!
"I’m afraid not," answered Lynch. "I need him and Anna to hold down the
fort here while we’re gone.
Tom: (Lynch) You never know when those darn Indians will attack.
Mike: It is ballooooonnn!
Tom: Join the 90’s, will ya, Nelson?
He’s out setting some things up for us right now."
Crow: (Fairchild’s dad) Hello, Tokyo Escorts? I’m making a reservation
for a friend. Yeah, the name is Lynch…
"Three days, huh?" mused Roxy. "Plenty of time to score some Far Out
Far East outfits down at Fashion Valley Mall."
Tom: According to my databanks, that’s really a mall in San Diego.
Mike: An author who actually did research? Ye Gods!
"You’ll have plenty of time to shop when we’re in Tokyo, Roxanne,"
chided Lynch. "Right now, I wan-"
All: (singing) --na rock and roll all night! And party every day!
"Uh, excuse me, Mr.L, there’s just one problem," interrupted Rainmaker.
"And that is?"
Tom: (Sarah) A van carrying “Up With People” just pulled up outside.
They look really pissed about something.
"None of us speak Japanese."
Crow: (Lynch) D'oh!
"If you’d give me a chance, I’ll show you how we’re going get around
that problem, Sarah," said Lynch.
Tom: (Lynch, thinking) If I stall long enough the author is sure to toss
a McGuffin my way.
With that, he removed a small object shaped like a hearing aid from his
pocket. "This, kids, is a direct neural translation device. D.N.T.D for
short.
Mike: WCW Wrestling, Monday nights on D.N.T.D!
A little gift from a contact at Halo Industries."
Tom: A subsidiary of Genom Corporation.
"So what's it do?" asked Bobby.
Crow: (Lynch) It lets you know when your friends are online. Neat, huh?
"The D.N.T.D creates a direct link between itself and the speech and
hearing areas of the wearer’s brain. It then provides a perfect
translation of whatever language it’s programmed for."
Tom: Plot contrivance-sense tingling!
"It’s a Universal Translator! Just like on Star Trek!" exclaimed
Grunge.
Crow: Hey, author who points out where he stole his ideas from. That’s a
change.
"A crude but accurate description," admitted Lynch.
"Wait, so you’re saying that if we stick those things in our ears we’ll
be able to speak and understand Japanese?" asked Freefall skeptically.
"That’s what he just said, Roxy," said Sarah.
Mike: No, he said, ‘A crude but accurate description.’
"Will we be able to read Japanese to?" asked Fairchild.
Tom: Yes, now you to can learn on the world’s most difficult alphabets
in only three days! Just call 1-800-BIG-SCAM and have your credit card
ready!
"No, I’m afraid not. That’s why you’re all going to spend the next
three days getting a crash course in written Japanese. You’ll also be
learning about their culture so as to not make fools of yourselves in
public," said Lynch.
Mike: In other words, no Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts.
Crow: Those just say "tourist" in six feet tall neon letters, don't
they?
"Hey! Why were you lookin’ at me when you said that?" blustered Grunge.
Tom: If the shoe fits, wear it.
"There’s just one thing, Mr. Lynch," began Fairchild. "You’re the only
one of us who really knows Japanese culture. And from the sound of it,
you’re going to be to busy too teach us."
Mike: Whoops, looks like a poltergeist switched "too" and "to" while the
author wasn't watching.
Tom: ‘Thinking,’ Mike, ‘thinking.’
"Good girl, Caitlin. Always thinking," smiled Lynch.
Crow: (Gen13 member) God, she’s such a teacher’s pet.
"You’re correct, I’ll be very busy the next few days working with your
father to make sure things proceed smoothly. That’s why Anna will be
handling your instruction."
"Anna?!" gasped Freefall.
Tom: MacLeod!
Mike: Obligatory Highlander reference, check.
"That’s correct, Roxanne," said the android housekeeper. "I’ve been
programmed to speak 42 languages and am familiar with the customs of
many of the world’s cultures."
Crow: (Anna) Would you like to know the courtship rituals of the
Torbriands?
"Great, we get to spend the next few days with C-3PO," muttered Grunge.
Mike: (C-3PO) This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into, R2. Now
we’re trapped in a bad anime crossover!
"When do we start all this?" queried Sarah.
"Now is as good a time as any. It’s still two hours till dinner,"
assessed Lynch as he looked at his watch.
Crow: (Lynch) I just love my Mickey Mouse watch!
"Plenty of time to learn a few basics. I’ll being quizzing you all
during the meal so pay attention."
(Tom makes whipcrack noises)
With that, Lynch left his charges to their work and returned to his
study.
Crow: And his secret stash of Lunatic Party mangas.
Tokyo, Japan.
The girls had agreed to gather at their usual meeting place, the Cherry
Hill Temple, once the school day was over. Unfortunately, one of them
was missing.
Crow: Please let it be Rini! Please let it be Rini!
Mike: This story is first season, so I don’t think we need to worry
about the spore.
Tom: Congratulations, Mike. You found this story’s only silver lining
"I can’t belive Serena is this late!" grumbled Lita.
Crow: (Lita) If she’s knocked up her parents are going to kill her!
"You know Serena. She’d be late to her own funnel," said Mina.
"I think you mean funeral," corrected Amy.
"Whatever."
Tom: Why do I get the feeling that the author's just throwing in clichés
at random?
"Let’s forget about Serena for the moment, and get on with it. We can
always fill her in later," suggested Lita.
Mike: With a pickax and a funnel, preferably.
"So, Raye, you get anything more from that dream of yours?"
Tom: (Raye) Something about chains, whips and tentacles. But that could
have come from those magazines of grandpa’s I read before bed.
Raye shook her head. "Not really. I’ve been trying all day but…"
Mike: The Magic 8 Ball wasn't responding.
The girl closed her eyes began to concentrate.
Crow: Her eyes can concentrate?
Mike: Maybe they're sentient symbiant or something.
Tom: Someone's been watching too much DS9...
After several long moments she opened them and frowned.
Mike: (Raye) Damn, they were all supposed to burst into flame.
"Still nothing. Just this horrible sense of doom. Something bad is going
to happen, guys. I can feel it."
Crow: Maybe someone is going to make them read “Chibi-usa’s 7th
Birthday.”
Mike: Crow, that was just so wrong!
"Hey, everyone! Check out what I got!!" called a new voice. The girls
looked to see Serena running up carrying pink box.
Tom: (Serena) Look what I got for Darien!
Crow: (Lita) That's cute, Serena, but is red vinyl really his color?
"Where were you, Serena? You where supposed to be here twenty minutes
ago!" admonished Lita.
Tom: (Lita) You’re late again, young lady. Buckets. Hallway. Now!
"Sorry about that. But on my way here I passed a donut shop that was
having a special," replied the pig-tailed girl as she opened the box.
Mike: Free eclairs for anyone with eyes the size of a baseball.
"I got some for all of us! Check it out, sprinkles!"
Crow: Checking it out now... Nope, they're still dead.
"I don’t belive this! We’ve got Sailor business and all you can think
about is stuffing your face!" blasted Raye. "Honestly, Serena, when are
you going to gro--"
Tom: Sailor Moon cliché, straight ahead!
"Hey! There’re only six donuts in here!" exclaimed Mina as she looked
inside the box.
Crow: (Serena) Yeah, so? Six is a dozen, right?
"And most of them are the kind with jelly in the center! I hate those!"
Mike: (Homer Simpson) Blasphemer!
"Well, lunch was a really long time ago, and I got hungry on the way
over here…" began Serena.
Crow: (Serena) But don’t worry about it. I plan to purge later.
Mike: That was dark, Crow. Dark and gross.
"Guys!" shouted Amy.
Crow: Feeling a bit assertive today, Amy?
Mike: (Amy) Before, I was a geeky wuss with useless powers. Now, thanks
to An Amazon's Guide to Self-Confidence, I'm a lean, mean shouting
machine!
"Can you forget about the donuts for a minute? We might be looking at a
real threat here."
Tom: (Amy) Word is that ABBA is reuniting! We have to stop them!
"Amy’s right," sighed Lita. "So, Luna, do you think the Negaverse is up
something?"
Mike: No, it’s someone other than the bad guys who’ve been the source of
every evil plot since episode one.
"I’m not picking up any of the usual signs of Negaverse activity," the
magical cat answered.
Tom: (Luna) No plague of locusts, no monsters crawling out of the dark
bowels of earth. Although I did notice a surge in the number of boy
bands...
"But I do have a bad feeling about Raye’s premonition."
Mike: Did you know that "I have a bad feeling about this" appears in
every single Star Wars movie?
Crow: And we need to know this because...?
Mike: (sighs) Work with me here, guys.
"What about you, Artemis?" said Mina. "You got anything?"
Tom: He got neutered last week. Does that count?
"Afraid not," began the white cat. "But I think it’d be wise
if all of us were extra vigilant for the next few days."
Crow: (Artemis) I want you to catch at least seven criminals a day
instead of the usual three.
Mike: He said ‘vigilant,’ Crow. Not ‘vigilante.’
"I’m not picking up anything usual on my computer," reported
Amy as she studied the highly advanced palm-top Luna had given her.
Tom: (Amy) Except for that 15-mile wide spaceship parking itself over
the city, everything is perfectly normal.
"Maybe my vision was wrong," said Raye.
Crow: (Raye) I really need to start wearing my contacts again.
Mike: How could you make contacts for anyone with eyes that big?
Tom: You’re thinking again, Nelson. Stop before you have an aneurysm.
"Maybe it was something you ate. I know I always get weird
dreams whenever I have my mom’s meatloaf," suggested Serena.
Mike: (Homer Simpson) Mmm…meatloaf.
The other girls and the cats glared at her.
Tom: Unfortunately, the glares bounced off Serena's aura of
cluelessness, hitting Mina and turning her into crispy-fried Sailor.
Crow: A little dark today, Crow?
"What?! It was just an idea."
Tom: So is covering yourself in tartar sauce and jumping into a pit of
starving dogs. That doesn’t make it a good one.
"Those feelings of yours have been right most of the time
before, Raye. I belive you," assured Amy.
Crow: (Amy) If you’re feeling attracted to women there’s nothing wrong
with that. In fact, I--
Mike: Crow…
Crow: Spoilsport.
The others quickly echoed that feeling.
Tom: (Amy) These are not the youmas you're looking for.
Crow: (random Sailor, monotone) These are not the youmas we're looking
for.
"Thanks," smiled Raye. "Look, I’ll consult the sacred fire
later tonight. Maybe that will give me something to go on."
Tom: Anyone who starts to sing that damn Celine Dion song will die!
"Cool! Problem solved!" cheered Serena. "Now, who wants
donuts?"
Mike: Hey, I’ll take one.
Tom: I want one with the pink frosting.
Crow: I want a bagel with creamcheese.
Artemis, Luna, and the other four Sailor Scouts just shook
their heads and sighed.
Crow: (Artemis, whispering) Hey, Luna, are you sure this airhead is the
princess?
Mike: (Luna, ditto) Look, have you heard her crying? I swear, I'd give
her my collection of mouse skulls if she'd just stop that bloody
wailing.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~