Sailor Moon/Gen13: Moonlight Heroes
Mike: A Spike Lee joint.
Tokyo, Japan
Crow: October 23, 1976
Mike: Eric Forman’s basement.
Tom: 7:34 P.M.
It was going to be a beautiful day in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Mike: (tour guide) And here we have foreshadowing, as pioneered by
Rumiko Takahashi.
Even though it was still early, most of the citizens of Tokyo were
already awake and well into their morning routines. With one notable
exception.
Tom: (sarcastic) I wonder who could that be...
Mike: Maybe the author will surprise us.
Tom: What, and miss a chance to use a Sailor Moon fanfic cliché? Perish
the thought!
Crow: Yeah! If you do that, you'll be thrown into a cage full of rabid
Zoisites while dressed like Tuxedo Mask.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! Why didn’t someone wake me up?! I’m going to be
late for school again!" cried the voice of a young girl.
Tom: Stolen almost word-for-word from the dub. We’ve got a real Stan Lee
on our hands this time.
"I tried to wake you, Serena. Three times. You said you were getting up
each time," called the girl’s mother from another room.
Mike: (Serena's mother) Duh, I'm dumb. Huh huh.
"And you believed me?!" shouted Serena as she quickly changed into her
school uniform.
Crow: A black leather cat-suit.
"I suppose she keeps hoping you’ll change, Serena. Almost as much as I
do," sighed Luna as she watched from the nearby windowsill.
Tom: God, I hope Luna isn’t developing Oscar-like tendencies.
Mike: Don’t even think that, Tom.
"Oh, if I hurry maybe I won’t get another detention!"
Tom: (Serena) And maybe the sky will be a really pretty green color
today!
muttered the blonde girl as she grabbed the briefcase containing her
books and charged out the door.
Crow: Straight in to Mr. Besley, the mailman.
Still sighing, Luna looked out room’s window.
Tom: (Luna) Hhhmmm, the ugly naked guy across the street got a
pogostick.
She was just able to catch a glimpse of Serena as she dashed down the
street to school. "And so begins another day," thought the cat.
Mike: (Luna) I wonder who we're going to beat up, maim, and kill today.
No, wait. That's StormWatch Black. My mistake.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Crow: You know, if you look at that from a certain angle...
Mike: What?
Crow: You see a row of wavy lines!
(Mike and Tom groan)
San Diego, California, USA
"A little slice of heaven."
Crow: Does that come with ice-cream? I want chocolate.
is how some people might describe the city of San Diego.
Tom: Of course, some people might also describe it as a tick-infested
hellhole. It’s really a matter of debate.
Sunshine all year round,
Crow: Skin cancer...
the laid back culture of Southern California, friendly people,
Mike: The muggers apologize before beating you senseless and taking all
your money.
easy access to Mexico and, of course, miles of gorgeous beach.
Crow: And all the Pamela Lee wannabes, don’t forget them!
Tom: You can almost smell the silicone.
The dream of many an American is a condo on these sun-kissed Pacific
shores.
Crow: Actually, the dream of many an American is to be a contestant on
Wheel of Fortune.
In San Diego, if you were one of those lucky few who have achieved that
dream, you most likely live in the area called La Jolla.
Mike: Is this guy writing a fanfic or a travel brochure?
La Jolla is home to some of the finest architecture in all of
California.
Crow: By that he means the kind that doesn’t fall down during
earthquakes.
The homeowners would have nothing less. But even in such a ritzy area,
there is one house that stands out.
Tom: The one with the rusted cars on the lawn, piles of trash by the
curb, and all the hound dogs running around. The neighborhood just
hadn’t been the same since the Clampets moved in.
The fact that great architect Howard Rourke had designed it made it
special. But the fact that it was secretly home to the teenage
superheroes collectively known as Gen13, made it extraordinary.
Mike: Extraordinary is a bit much. I’d say above average is more like
it.
"Sato-san, it’s been to long," said John Lynch.
Crow: Uh, what's been to long?
Tom: The spelling.
The man on the other end of the videophone grinned slightly. "Come now,
John-kun. We have known each other for to long to use such formalities.
Mike: (Southern) Why I remember when you were still knee-high to a
grasshopper…
Call me Kenichi. Or, as you so often did in the old days, just Ken."
"I seem to recall that you didn’t much like the name Ken back then."
Crow: Would you like being named after a sexless plastic doll?
Tom: (Ken) I still don't. Prepare to die!
"That was a long time ago, John. We were both very different then. The
world was different.
Mike: (Grandpa Simpson) In my days, we didn't have all this I/O,
Project: Genesis crap. Why, when we wanted to take over the world, we
had to build our own minions from spit and toothpicks! Youngsters
nowadays...
I guess I’ve mellowed with age.
Crow: (Ken) I taste real good with grilled salmon and buttered new
potatoes! Wanna try?
But I doubt the same is true for you."
Mike: (Ken) You always were an anal bastard.
"True," sighed Lynch. "But I’m sure you didn’t call to reminisce over
old times."
"No, I didn’t. I called let you know that Jun Utatane is dead."
Tom: Great, who’s going to break the news to the Rose Bribe?
Crow: That’s Utena, dummy.
"That old spy king? I can’t say I’m sorry to see him go. Let me guess,
his death wasn’t natural."
Mike: (Ken) Not unless you call that many Ewok Micro Machines natural.
"Sharp as ever, John. No, most of Utatane was found in his home last
week."
Crow: It was Colonel Mustard, with the candle stick, in the
conservatory!
"Most of him?" queried Lynch.
"Let us just say the maid has her work cut out for her."
Mike: Gross. I think I’m having a Seven flashback.
"Utatane was a bastard who deserved whatever he got. But what does this
have to do with me, Ken?"
Tom: (Ken) Nothing. By the way, just out of curiosity, where were you
last week?
"As you know," began the Asian man, "Utatane went into business for
himself after he left Japanese Intelligence.
Crow: He opened a chain of very successful okonomiyaki shops.
He became one of the biggest data brokers in the Far East before his
demise."
Mike: Dr. Soong was not amused.
"That was always your problem, Ken. You beat around the bush too much.
Tom: Ah, yes. Asian Stereotype #7.
Mike: So Asians aren't indirect and shifty?
Tom: Ever seen Thai kickboxing?
Just tell me what this has to with me."
Crow: (Ken) Do not play gamesss with usss, Mr. Lynch. You know...that we
know.
Mike: (Lynch) I'm not, dammit! What the hell are you talking about?
Crow: (Ken) Ssso you ssstill deny it, do you?
Mike: (Lynch, bewildered) Deny what?
Crow: (Ken) Minion, bring the Overfiend Torture Kit! You *will* tell
usss about the night in quessstion, Mr Lynch, whether you like it... or
not. (hollow laugh)
Mike: (heart-rending screams)
"My apologies, John. I forgot that bluntness is considered a virtue in
America.
(Crow starts to say something)
Mike: He didn’t mean that kind of bluntness.
(Crow makes a disappointed sound)
You see, my government placed me in charge of sorting though all the
data we’ve recovered from Utatane’s personal files.
Crow: (Ken)You wouldn’t believe how much porn he had stored on his
hardrive.
I have found information that I think would be of great interest to
you."
"Such as?"
Tom: (Ken) Let me put it this way, I’d never have imagined you would
look so fetching in a dress.
"Such as things on Miles Craven, I/O, and a few other interesting
people."
Mike: So I guess that rules out the cast of Mad About You.
"Craven is dead so I don’t have to worry about him," said Lynch
distastefully.
Crow: (Ken) Welll... not exactly. Tell me, John, are you familiar with
the Evil Dead trilogy?
"True, John. But some of the information could be very useful to
someone with your…current status."
Tom: Forget the information, what about a new writer?
"You can say it, Ken. I’m a fugitive. But you know I had to go rogue
Mike: Meaning he dyed his hair, has mood swings, and got into a
screwed-up
relationship with someone whose accent is written worse than his?
from I/O to protect those kids from people like Craven."
Crow: Anything for the children, Mike.
"Yes, I know. But the information I have could easily be used as
bargaining chips. To help ensure that certain people who may know things
don’t talk," Ken explained.
Tom: Like that intern he knocked up back in ’83.
"You’re being vague again, Ken. But I appreciate your help. I know the
kind of risks you’re taking just speaking to me."
Mike: (Valley Girl) If Stacy finds out that Ken has been talking to John
again, there’s just no way she’ll go to the prom with him.
"You saved my life, John-kun. I’ll never forget that."
Crow: (breathy) And the beautiful night we spent under the stars, the
moonlight all around us and jasmine flowers lending their sweet
intoxicating smell...
Tom: Has Gypsy been letting you read her Harlequin Mills and Boons
again?
"You did the same for me more than a few times. Now, how do you want to
handle the data transmission?" asked Lynch.
Mike: Three words: Pop-up video.
"In person."
"In person?! You want me to come to Japan?"
Tom: (singing) If you think you might come to Japan, I think you should…
Mike: Been listening to Counting Crows again, Tom?
Tom: Yeah, how’d you know?
Mike: Not important.
"I’m already taking a risk by talking to you via satellite. I would
feel much more secure if I could give you the information in person.
Tom: (Ken) I really just want the chance to look into those eyes of
yours once more.
Besides, it will give us a chance to talk about old times. I still
remember the address of that sake bar that you liked so well."
Crow: (Ken) God, you were such a lush back then.
Lynch mulled over the idea for a minute. "Well, the kids have been
under a lot of stress of late.
Mike: (Lynch) Teenage angst, would-be world dictators, monsters from the
depths of hell...The usual.
And a trip to Japan would be a rare opportunity for them. They actually
might learn something. Even Grunge.
Crow: (Ken) John-kun, I'm offering you information, not a miracle.
And there’s the bonus of seeing my old friend again. Very well, Ken,
you’ve talked me into it.
Mike: What a heart-stopping surprise.
"It’ll take me a few days to make arrangements and to cover my tracks.
I’ll e-mail you when things are set."
Tom: So they’re afraid to talk via satellite, but have no fear of using
e-mail?
Mike: Don’t think about it to hard, Tom. You’ll only blow a fuse.
"Very well then. I look forward to seeing you.
Crow: Wink wink, nudge nudge
Sayonara, John."
"Sayonara, Ken," said Lynch as the videophone blinked off.
Tom: Blink is in this story? Hey, this might be good after all.
Lynch then reached over to a small intercom and pressed the button.
"Anna, are the kids back yet.?"
Mike: (falsetto) No, sir. They're still wrecking the harbor.
Crow: You're confusing them with X-Force, Mike.
"No, sir. I belive they’re still shopping at Horton Plaza," came the
reply.
Tom: If they're fugitives, how can they afford to go shopping?
Mike: Tom, what did I tell you about nit-picking?
"Let me know as soon as they return."
"Yes, sir."
Lynch then leaned back in his chair and smiled.
Crow: (Lynch) Yes, they’re all gone! Now I can look thought the girl’s
underwear drawers in peace.
The day was off to a very good start.
Tom: (British, narrating) The prospect of a dangerous journey and
possible discovery by I/O loomed over them, but it was a good day
nonetheless.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tokyo, Japan
"Raye! Hey, Raye, wait up!" called an energetic voice.
Mike: It was the day Raye had dreaded, but always knew would come.
Richard Simmons had finally tracked her down.
Raye Hino turned to find her fellow Sailor Scout, Mina Aino, trying to
catch up with her. "Hey, Mina. What’s up?"
Crow: (Mina, panicky) WHO TOLD?!
Mike: (Raye, confused) Beg pardon? I'm just asking you how you are.
Crow: (Mina) Uh, umm... Nothing! See ya!
"Nothing really. I just saw you walking to school and thought you might
want some company," replied Mina.
Crow: Are you sure we're not reading a lemon set-up here, Mike?
Mike: No. I mean, yes, we're not reading a lemon set-up.
"Thanks, but your school isn’t exactly on the way to mine. Are you sure
you won’t be late?"
"Wouldn’t be the first time."
Crow: (Mina) I don't mind standing in the corridor holding buckets of
water. Tee hee!
Tom: Such respect the author has for Mina...
"Well, okay," conceded Raye.
With that, the two girls resumed walking.
Tom: Wahoo! Hot walking-down-the-street-action!
Mike: (singing) Pretty woman, walking down the street, pretty woman...
They were both silent for two blocks before Mina spoke.
Crow: (Mina) I've been thinking... Is orange really my color?
"Uh, Raye, is something bothering you?"
"No, why do you ask?" said the raven-haired Scout.
Mike: (Mina) Well, there’s a pair of rabid beavers trying to mate on
your head. I was just wondering if you’d noticed.
"When I saw you walking you looked like you were a million miles away.
Tom: (Raye, snobbish) It's called "thinking," Mina, although I doubt
your pea brain can process such a concept.
I know I joined the Sailor Scouts only recently, but if something is
bothering you I want to help."
"Really, Mina, I’m fine."
Mike: "Moonlight Heroes," starring Gillian Anderson as Raye Hino!
"Is it Tuxedo Mask?" asked the blonde girl.
"No!" exclaimed Raye.
Crow: (Raye) That wuss? Please! Sapphire, on the other hand... Now
there's a hunk!
"I mean, I’m worried that he’s disappeared, but I know he can take care
of himself.
Mike: (Raye) Sure, he still falls into volcanoes at times, but the
medication really works wonders!
Really, nothing’s wrong."
Not satisfied with that answer, Mina stepped in front of Raye, blocking
her path.
Tom: Tragically, Mina has mistaken Raye's psychotic mood for a depressed
one. Fifteen minutes later, the blonde was merely a fat smear on the
pavement, with bloody footprints leading away from it.
"Come on, Raye, I can tell you’re lying," stated Mina.
Crow: (Mina) I’ve got the polygraph results right here!
"You’re my friend and I want to help you if I can. But you need to tell
me what’s wrong."
An angry look flashed across Raye’s face.
Mike: (Raye) How dare you show concern for my welfare!
It soon gave way to a rather sad expression. "You’re right. Something
has been bothering me."
"What?"
Crow: (Raye) FOX canceled Brimstone. I really liked that show.
"I had this strange dream last night. I don’t really remember anything
about it though. All I know is that I woke up with this terrible sense
of foreboding."
Mike: Note the author’s subtle use of foreshadowing.
"Do you think this was another of your psychic visions?" inquired Mina.
Crow: (Raye) No, it’s probably just the brownies I bought from those
hippies.
Raye nodded. "Something’s coming, Mina. I don’t know what, but it’s
coming and it’s big. I can feel the storm clouds gathering."
Tom: Looks like Thor decided to pay a visit to Tokyo.
Mike: Uh, no. That's Ororo Munroe reading yet another Storm-bashing
fanfic.
"This definitely sounds like Scouts' business. I’ll call the others and
tell them to meet at your temple after school."
"Thanks," smiled Raye. "I just wish I could remember more of my dream."
Mike: (Raye) Dr. Drew was right. Smoking weed really does impair your
memory.
"Don’t worry about it. We’re the champions of love and justice,
remember?"
Crow: (Raye) I thought we were champions of silly plotlines and nude
transformation scenes. My bad.
assured Mina as she struck one of her trademark Sailor V posses.
Mike: Are you sure you can do that in a kids' show?
"We can handle anything the Negaverse throws our way, right?"
Mike: (Mina) Except Barney. And Teletubbies. And Jar Jar Binks. And
toothpaste ads. And—
Crow: (Raye) Okay, okay! I get the idea! Sheesh.
"Right!" said Raye, finally brightening a bit.
Tom: Meet Raye, the Bishojou Senshi Sailor Torch.
With that the two girls resumed their walk.
Crow: Down Kimagure Orange Road.
Mike: A Bird came down the walk --/ He did not know I saw --/ He bit an
Angleworm in halves/ And ate the fellow, raw.
Tom: You know Emily Dickinson?
Mike: (shudders) If you had Mrs. Scatcherd as your high school English
teacher, you'd remember every verse too.
San Diego, California, USA
It was two hours after Lynch’s call had ended that Gen13 returned home.
Anna quickly hustled them into the living room saying only that Lynch
had an announcement of some sort.
Tom: (Lynch) I know this is going to be hard for all of you to accept,
but we’re now owned by DC Comics.