Maybe this will make Elsa happy. :P Just after I finished this story
last year I got to thinking that while, IMO, it was good, it had the
potential to be *great* MST. I'd done MSTs before and gotten favorable
feedback so I got on the horn to Yasmin M, my prereader, and asked if
she'd like to work with me on this. Yasmin's also done some MSTs som
herself so she was happy to sign on.
Months later this was the result. All in all I'm damn proud of what
we did. Having wrote the story I knew were all the little flaws were and
tried to show myself no mercy in hammering them. Yasmin helped keep me
honest and wrote some stuff that just had me rolling. This first host
segment is hers, BTW.
Anyway, on with the show.
Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains Inc.
Gen13 belongs to Wildstorm Productions and DC Comics, and Sailor Moon
belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and associated copyright holders. There are
also other mentions of other copyrighted materials, none of which
belongs to us. Please don't sue -- our usage, though unauthorized, is
strictly non-profit. We're merely borrowing them here, folks.
And now, our feature presentation...
MSTied: Moonlight Heroes
It was a normal day aboard the Satellite of Love, currently in orbit
above the Yucatan Peninsula. The Nanobots were maintaining the ship's
systems, Gypsy was daydreaming about Richard Basehart, and on the
bridge...
"Admit it, Tom. Nothing can top 'Second Contact' when it comes to bad
crossovers."
"Yeah? I submit the Witchblade/Tomb Raider crossover for inspection --
the story's so boring, Mike here could be hooked to a caffeine drip and
still fall asleep! And there's two of them, too."
"At least the art's good. Can Turner draw Lara or what? Hubba-hubba!"
Crow took a moment to sigh in appreciation, then forged on. "In 'Second
Contact' you just had Kitty hitting on Wussy Wesley, of all people..."
Mike J. Nelson, formerly of Happy Temps Agency, studiously ignored the
bickering around him. The latest issue of the “Return of the Jedi" manga
had arrived -- God only knew how Gypsy managed to procure it for him --
and admiring Hiromoto's art topped his list of priorities for the day.
For the moment, anyway. Crow's and Tom's voices reached a pitch where he
knew fuses would soon start blowing, and so the only human onboard
reluctantly put aside his manga. "Come on, guys," Mike attempted to
placate the two bots. "Not all crossovers are badly-written crap.
Remember the WildCATS/Aliens crossover? Most of StormWatch died, but it
wasn't half bad. And what about the X- Men/WildCATS crossovers?"
"I'll admit to enjoying the Golden and Silver Ages stories, but the last
two stunk," Tom grumbled. "The Modern Age story was just a stupid excuse
to write in orgies and a naked Voodoo. Characterization was pretty much
shot to hell, too. And the Dark Age story was clearly a "Days of Future
Past" rip-off attempt to retcon things back to status quo."
"Hey!" Crow protested. "I liked the Dark Age story. Sure, it was nowhere
as good as "Days of Future Past," but it had its moments."
Before things could escalate to another full-scale argument, the red
light flashed, signaling the call of the Mads. Sure enough, Dr.
Forrester's maniacally grinning face soon filled the viewscreen.
"If it isn't the Magic Knights Rayearth," he sneered. "Ready for the
Invention Exchange, Nelson? Or should I just send in the Torture of the
Day to say hello?"
Mike and the bots exchanged glances. "Uh, why don't you go first, Dr.
Forrester?" he offered generously. "We... can't wait to see your
invention! Yeah, that's it..."
"Good going, Mike," muttered Crow in the background.
Fortunately, the good doctor seemed oblivious, rubbing his hands in
glee. Chortling, he turned and called somewhere off-screen, "Bring the
invention, Frank!"
TV's Frank wheeled in a covered gurney, taking off the cloth with a
flourish as he stopped in front of the viewscreen. A square, plastic
alarm clock sat there demurely, painted a bright red. It seemed to be
stuck to the side of a spray can, also painted red. A Wolverine sticker
completed the ensemble.
"Is that a piece of avant-garde artwork?" asked Tom. "Because if you're
trying to represent arrested time, maybe you should label the can--"
"Shut up, booby," Forrester snapped. "My invention today has to do with
lateness. Specifically, comics arriving months later than scheduled,
waiting for the artists and writers to finish Final Fantasy VIII. Of
course, fans are more than willing to wait to waste their money..."
"That's not really true," Mike interjected, only to be interrupted by
the scientist's snort of laughter.
"Of course! Fans are fickle, and soon lose interest." He gestured to the
clock-can. "This, however, ensure that they won't. Ever. Frank, the
demonstration!"
"Sure, Steve," the hapless assistant nodded amiably. He pulled out an
issue of Battle Chasers from under the gurney, and laid it on the metal
surface. Picking up the clock-can, he sprayed a clear liquid on the
book. The liquid dried quickly, leaving behind only a slight sheen.
"The substance is absorbed through the skin, and is odorless and
tasteless. Like water, only much less benign." Forrester's grin now
stretched from ear to ear. "What it does is quite simple, really: it
makes the comic so attractive to the reader, within moments another
fanboy is hooked! Its time-warping capability ensure that the obsession
lasts for a lifetime, and so the fanboy will keep on buying the book
even if he has to wait 10 years for a new issue!"
The mad scientist's eyes shone with unholy glee. "Of course, while
waiting for the next issue he will simply have to buy the merchandise...
and there will be lots of it. Mwahahahaha!!!" He wiped his eyes. "I call
it 'Cliffhanging Time.' Oh, I kill me..."
Mike looked horrified, a feeling Tom shared -- if not the expression.
Crow, however, shook his head and clucked sadly. "There's already
something like that, Dr. F," he said. "It's called 'Star Wars’."
The aforementioned doctor abruptly stopped laughing and glared at the
'bot. "And what do you have, pathetic lifeforms?" he asked icily.
"Coincidentally, our invention also has to do with comics," Mike began.
"You know how fans complain that writers and editors screw up
storylines, and come up with issues fit only to wipe muddy boots. Well,
we came up with something called the 'Hive Writer' to help."
He held up something which looked like a hairband, on which antennas and
mini satellite dishes were stuck on in an apparently haphazard manner. A
small pocket was attached to one end. "See, what you do is write the
name of the title you're writing--" Crow handed him a slip of paper
"--like that, fold it, and slip it into the pocket." Mike carefully
adjusted the hairband on Tom's head. "Put it on, and you'll be instantly
aware of what the majority of your readers really want. We even included
a free plug-in called "Edit Editor" to create an interference-free zone
around the writer. No more hastily-planned crossovers, no more rotten
tomatoes from the fans. What do you think, sir?"
Dr. Forrester was visibly fuming, TV's Frank hovering worriedly at his
back. If he was a dragon, smoke would be curling out of his nostrils.
Then his sour expression was smoothened away, replaced by a cheerily
smiling expression Mike found more frightening than the idea of a
Barney/Vampirella lemon.
"Funny you should mention crossovers, Nelson," he chuckled. "Because
what I have for you today is exactly that. A Sailor Moon/Gen13 crossover
by someone called Skyrocket, to be precise. Enjoy trying to gnaw your
legs off, my little subjects... Send them the fanfic, Frank!"
Alarms and sirens began to blare on the bridge of SOL, cutting off Tom's
half-mumbled prayers for mercy. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Mike cried,
leading the charge for the obligatory commotion.
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1]
Biosheet
Tom: The new album from Sneaker Pimps.
Since this is a crossover,
Mike: Warning! Warning! We have imminent universe breach! I repeat, we
have imminent universe breach!
(Bots make siren sounds)
I thought it would be a good idea to come up
Crow: And see you sometime.
with something that would give everyone the basic information on both
Gen13 and the Sailor Scouts. If you’ve never seen the Sailor Moon anime,
or never read the Gen13 comic book,
Mike: I officially declare that you have a life.
Tom: Infidel!
the entries below should give you at least a basic understanding of the
characters.
Mike: Strap in, guys. I think this is going to take a while.
Gen13: These Gen-Active teenagers, first generation descendants of the
legendary
Tom: Cast of China Beach.
Team 7, were recruited into I/O’s program, Project: Genesis,
Tom: (dramatic) Little did they know that an egotistical, toupee-wearing
Admiral was about to enter their lives, bringing with him death and
destruction in the form of KANG...
a project secretly intended to develop superhumans.
Crow: Yeah, they did a great job with Fairchild. She's very...developed.
Mike: Crow, you're drooling.
Upon discovering that the program was nothing more than a breeding
ground for Gen-Actives, they
Crow: Decided that was cool, since all they really wanted to do was
drink and screw anyway.
escaped the compound with the help of and to this day remain fugitives.
Tom: The chase is on! John Lynch is the Fugitive!
Sailor Scouts: Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter,
and Sailor Venus are the champions of love and justice.
Mike: And the champions of ridiculously short skirts.
Drawn together by the legacy of the Moon Kingdom,
Tom: -- Naoko Takeuchi --
Mike: She's from outer space?
Crow: That sure explains “Star Gentle Uterus...”
these five young Japanese schoolgirls are all that stand between Earth
and
Mike: An army of zombie-fied Pokémon.
Crow: Been watching Evil Dead lately, Nelson?
Mike: Hush.
invaders from another dimension known as the Negaverse.
Tom: The Negaverse? This is going to be the dub version, isn't it?
Mike: Afraid so.
Meet the Sailor Scouts!
All: Hi, Sailor Scouts!
Crow: (falsetto) I'm Lita, the "talented" one.
Sailor Mercury: Amy Mizuno (Ami in the Japanese version) is the brains
of the Sailor Scouts.
Crow: (Mina) So what do you want to do tonight, Amy?
Tom: (Amy) The same thing we do every night, Mina. Try and take over the
world!
She represents the Japanese element of Water. Her Japanese name can be
roughly translated as "Friend of the Waters."
Mike: She regularly bakes cakes for the Pacific Ocean, and consoled the
Yoshino river when the rocks downstream dumped her.
She has an IQ of 300, is a straight-A student, but is socially awkward
Crow: It took her that long to realize that it's really not a banana in
Capeboy’s pocket.
Mike: Crow!
as she spends her most of her waking moments reading books.
Mike: (sarcastic) What a crime. Death to literacy!
Her VR Visor and palmtop Lunar Computer allow her to
Crow: Access vast amounts of Internet porn.
identify weaknesses in enemies, and come up with plans of attack.
All: (singing) And the man in the back said 'Everyone attack!' and it
turned into a ballroom blitz!
Powers: Amy says "Mercury Power!" to transform into Sailor Mercury. She
says "Mercury Bubble Blast!" in order to generate a misty fog of water
bubbles that reduces the visual range of enemies.
Tom: And do promotions for London Fog.
This generally confuses them, making them more vulnerable to attacks.
Mike: So why doesn't this affect the Sailor Scouts too? It's not like
they have radar equipment strapped to their henshin sticks.
Crow: (Serena, ditzy) We can't see anything in this fog, but let's just
use our ridiculously powerful attacks and hope it hits a youma, 'kay?
Sailor Venus: Mina Aino (Minako in the Japanese translation) is the
most experienced warrior of the Sailor Scouts.
Tom: Mina is experienced? That sure does explain a lot.
Mike: I don't think he meant "experienced" as in Jimi Hendrix.
She represents the Japanese element Metal and the emotion Love. Her
Japanese name can be roughly translated as "Beautiful Child of Love."
Crow: (Mina's parent) Just our little joke... wink wink, nudge nudge.
Before joining the Scouts, she operated solo as Sailor V in England.
Tom: (British accent) Look! Up in the sky!
Crow: (ditto) It's a TARDIS!
Mike: (ditto) It's Prince Charles!
Tom: (ditto) No, it's a girl wearing some odd goggles and a really short
skirt!
She has an advisor named Artemis, a white, talking cat.
Tom: (dramatic) But under the serene surface lies a troubled soul,
tormented by memories of schoolyard taunts. Forevermore will he curse
his unthinking parents for naming him after a goddess...
Minako is very cheerful and outgoing, a practical joker, and a bit
disaster-prone.
Crow: So she was the one responsible for Wild, Wild, West.
Mike: That was a disaster, but I don't think we can blame her for that.
Crow: Nuts!
Powers: Mina says "Venus Power!" to transform into Sailor Venus. She
says "Venus Crescent Beam Smash!" to generate a massive energy beam,
which she can direct to a specific target.
Tom: (Mina) Okay, Oscar, say goodnight! This one's for Artemis!
Sailor Moon: Serena Tsukino (Usagi in the Japanese version) is the
leader of Sailor Scouts. Her Japanese name means "Rabbit of the Moon."
Crow: It's "Rabbit in the Moon!"
Mike: Settle down, Crow. He was closer than most dubbies.
Crow: Horseshoes and hand grenades, Mike. Horseshoes and hand grenades.
She is the most powerful of the Scouts, with powers of healing and
destruction. Unfortunately, she is also klutzy, ditzy, cowardly and a
crybaby.
Tom: She's truly a hero for her generation.
Crow: And for countless lemon writers.
She also has an infinite capacity for empathy, and a good heart. She has
a black cat named Luna as her advisor.
Crow: (Luna) I told you not to fool around with Darien, but did you
listen? No!
Tom: (Serena) Knock it off, Luna. You're not helping! These warts really
itch!
Powers: Serena says "Moon Prism Power!" to activate her Sailor Locket to
transform her into Sailor Moon. She says "Moon Tiara Magic!" when she
converts her Moon Tiara into a discus-like weapon.
Mike: I can hear Xena filing an copyright infringement lawsuit right
now.
Tom: Actually, it's Naoko who should be filing that lawsuit. Sailor Moon
was created first.
Mike: Why do you actually remember something like that?
Tom: I plead the Fifth.
It is capable of destroying monsters or knocking down enemies.
Mike: I think the author's mistaking it for her crying.
Crow: Banshee has nothing on this kid when it comes to sonic screams.
She says "Disguise Power!" to activate her Luna Pen. She uses this to
disguise herself as needed, to follow people (or enemies) where her
normal self could not go.
Tom: Mostly R rated movies and bars that serve alcohol.
Serena says "Moon Healing Activation!" when using the Crescent Moon Wand
to convert monsters back into their original form
Mike: Sonic the Hedgehog fic writers.
(as normal Earth beings).
Tom: Or at least what passes for normal down there.
Sailor Mars: Raye Hino (Rei in the Japanese version) is the spiritual
pillar of the Sailor Scouts.
Crow: (falsetto) Touch me, Rei. I am in need of spiritual...
enlightenment.
She represents the Japanese element of Fire, and wields it to awesome
effect.
Mike: She can barbecue seven otaku in under a minute.
Her Japanese name translates roughly into "Spirit of
Tom: St. Louis.
Fire."
Crow: (Beavis) Fire! Fire! Fire!
A Shinto priestess, Raye has some psychic powers gained when meditating
in front of her fire, and a measure of control over evil spirits.
Mike: Who ya gonna call?
Tom & Crow: Ghostbusters!
Quick-tempered and assertive (some would say bossy), she makes a
steadfast friend and a bitter enemy.
Mike: She's really not bitter, she's more salty.
Crow: Personal experience, Mikey?
Mike: Hey!
Tom: Experience? Mike has experience?
Mike: HEY!
Powers: Raye says "Mars Power!" to transform into Sailor Mars. She says
"Mars Fire Ignite!" to
Tom: Set herself on fire, protesting against poor working conditions in
tentacle lemons.
create a burst of fire. This fire can then be controlled, as a fire
stream (standard attack)
Crow: Should I even bother with a “Fire Soul” comment?
Mike: I wouldn't.
or it can be used, like the other Scout’s powers, to supplement the
attack of other items (such as Sailor Moon's Tiara).
Tom: (Raye) Supplement? Do I look like a vitamin bottle to you?
Sailor Jupiter: Lita Kino (Makoto in the Japanese version) is the muscle
of the Sailor Scouts.
Mike: She used to work as a leg breaker for the mob before joining the
Scouts.
She represents the Japanese element of Wood
Crow: (Beavis and Butthead voice) He said "wood."
and the god of storms. Her Japanese name can translate literally to
"Faithfulness of Wood", or by extension, to "Strength of Truth."
Tom: Wasn't that a chapter in Dianetics?
Apt to fight first and think later,
Crow: Her chemistry teacher made sure she was never again given another
pop quiz.
her lightning attacks are quite powerful. As a teenager, she is a
first-class cook and a fearsome martial artist.
Mike: Lita Kino is the new Karate Kid.
Powers: Lita says "Jupiter Power!" to transform into Sailor Jupiter.
Crow: (Troi) I sense deja vu, Captain.
Mike: Nah, it's just a glitch in the system.
Tom: Of the writer's vocabulary?
She says "Jupiter Thunder Crash!" to activate her tiara with lightning
bolts. She can then redirect this energy into an electrical bolt with
which she can attack.
Crow: She’s Sailor Pikachu.
Meet Gen13!
Mike: Hey, nice to meet you.
Tom: Yo!
Crow: Word up!
Fairchild: Caitlin Fairchild. The daughter of Team 7's Alex Fairchild.
Deemed the unofficial leader of the group,
Mike: A little nepotism goes a long way, doesn't it?
Fairchild possesses superhuman strength, speed, agility, endurance, and
intelligence.
Tom: And the ability to get her clothes ripped off in every issue.
Crow: Who says fan service is just for anime?
A gifted but lonely college student,
Tom: Why must everyone assume that women intellectuals have zero life,
no friends, and looks like Velma unless she's gone through plastic
surgery?
Mike: (points a few lines down) Or in this case, Project: Genesis.
Fairchild jumped at the chance to join the mysterious Project: Genesis.
During her time there, Fairchild’s powers developed,
Crow: So did her— (Mike claps his hands over Crow's mouth)
Mike: Don't go there, Crow.
resulting in her increased size and stature. Once the project’s sinister
plans became clear,
Tom: Sinister? Boy, those X-Men villains get around.
Fairchild lead the other members of the project (Freefall, Grunge,
Burnout, and Rainmaker) in an escape for freedom.
Crow: Run free, little Gen13! Free!
Her hard work as leader of the group has paid off, and she has earned
the respect of not only her teammates but other heroes as well.
Mike: (Fairchild) Green Lantern said that he'd still respect me in the
morning, but that was week ago and he still hasn't called.
Grunge: Percival Edmund Chang. The son of Team 7's Philip Chang. This
slovenly, cold pizza-eating party animal
Crow: Will soon be staring in Oliver Stone's remake of National
Lampoon's Animal House.
has the power to assimilate the properties of any material he touches.
Mike: (Grunge) Look, guys, I'm Iceman! I'm-- I'm melting!
He has used this power to turn into living steel, water, sand, and wood
among other things.
Tom: Unknown to anyone, Grunge once turned into the carpeting at a
cinema to watch Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me without paying.
Grunge is naturally strong, and an above-average martial artist.
Mike: He's also a bigger lecher than Ataru Moroboshi.
He is also a shameless flirt and is constantly sending Freefall mixed
signals about his feelings for her.
Tom: (Freefall) Okay, now he's screaming and waving his arms real fast.
Now he's running like mad. What signals are those?
Crow: (Grunge) I'VE GOT FIRE ANTS DOWN MY PANTS, GOOFBALL!
Freefall: Roxanne Spaulding. The youngest and spunkiest of the team,
Freefall can manipulate the pull of gravity on herself or any other
object or being she desires.
Mike: (old lady) Help, my cat's stuck on a tree!
Crow: (Freefall) Don't worry, I'll just use my super-duper power! THUNK!
Oh, poopie.
This being the case, she is able to levitate, and can increase or
decrease the pull of gravity on individuals, rendering them unable to
move or levitating them as well.
Mike: The ability to control your own weight, what better power could a
teenage girl ask for?
Freefall has worked hard to cultivate a "bad girl" image, but in
reality, she is a very compassionate and loving young woman.
Tom: Except for when she's moshing at Metallica concerts. Then she's a
bitch queen from hell.
She and her teammate Grunge share an on-and-off relationship that is a
constant source of frustration for her.
Crow: Will Grunge and Roxy get back together? Find out on next week's
Dawson's Creek.
Burnout: Bobby Lane. The son of John Lynch.
Tom: The result of a drunken fling between John and Lois Lane back in
the 70's.
Burnout can project high-energy plasma, which bursts into flame when
exposed to oxygen. He is impervious to heat and can fly by projecting
thermal updrafts.
Mike: Killing local wildlife and earning himself a permanent entry on
Greenpeace's blacklist.
Burnout (who actually had his nickname BEFORE he developed 'fire'
powers)
All: We've got pun sign!
is the brooding musician of the group and only recently found out that
Lynch was his father.
Tom: (Lynch) Burnout, I am your father.
Mike: (Bobby) No...that's not true...that's impossible!
Tom: (Lynch) Go through hypnosis and uncover your repressed memories...
You
know it to be true.
Crow: The Star Wars skit for the Nineties, ladies and gentlemen.
Since this revelation, their relationship has been strained at best.
Tom: Why is it that musicians are always brooding? Why can't they be
happy?
Mike: When musicians are happy we get guys like Hanson, the Backstreet
Boys,
John Denver--
Tom: Okay, okay! Forget I asked!
Bobby has strong feelings for Rainmaker, but her sexuality makes their
relationship somewhat turbulent.
Crow: In other words, she won't put out.
Rainmaker: Sarah Rainmaker. Apache born, Rainmaker has the ability to
control the natural elements.
Mike: My god, she’s a Planeteer!
She can also fly by manipulating the air currents and can direct water
with a simple gesture.
Tom: So if she flips you off, watch out for tsunami.
The amplifier bands she wears on her wrists enable her to deliver very
potent electric blasts.
Mike: I’m Mr. Potency 2000!
Tom: You really need to stop reading those e-mail spams, Mike.
The normally aloof Sarah has openly admitted to her teammates that she
is a lesbian.
Crow: 'Cause it's just not anime without at least one lesbian.
Tom: Wow, I guess Crow was right about the fan service!
However, she has on at least one occasion kissed Bobby. This has caused
Sarah no small amount of confusion about her sexual identity.
Mike: So Rainmaker is Haruka?
Crow: No, Haruka causes confusion about her sexual identity in everyone
else.
John Lynch: Lynch earned his way up though the ranks of the Navy, and
was ultimately chosen to as a member of the elite
Tom: Navy Ballroom Dancing Squad.
Team 7, where he served with honor and distinction. It was during this
time that Team 7 was unwillingly exposed to the Gen-Factor.
Crow: But he was able to get treatment for it down at the free clinic.
While Lynch did gain psionic abilities (at the cost of his right eye) he
rarely uses them and considers the fact that he has powers a closely
guarded secret.
Tom: Except when dealing with speeding tickets.
After Team 7 broke up,
Mike: Yoko Ono strikes again.
Lynch spent several years traveling the world as a freelance adventurer.
Eventually, he returned to I/O and became Director of Operations.
Tom: He also directed a short film called "The Banana of Paris" which
won great acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival.
Lynch went rogue from I/O when he chose to help the Gen13 kids escape
the Genesis Compound.
Mike: Insert your own Wrath of Khan joke here.
He now serves as the kids mentor and has just learned that Burnout is
his long lost son.
Crow: Is there anyone in comics who doesn't have a lost kid or two
running around?
Mike: Northstar?
Tom: If John Bryne ever gets his hands on Alpha Flight again I wouldn't
be surprised.
Villains
Mike: The only really good Verve Pipe album.
Queen Beryl: Beryl is the absolute ruler of a dark universe, just
outside our own, called the Negaverse. Cold, cruel, and ruthless, Beryl
dreams only of conquest.
Tom: Hey, you think she's want to go out with Dr. F? They've got a lot
in common.
Mike: I don’t know… Dr. F said he’d sworn off women with fangs after the
"Tammy" incident.
Her current goal is to gain control of the Silver Imperium Crystal (now
in the hands of Sailor Moon)
Mike: (Beryl) If I give you this ultra rare signed poster of Leonardo
DiCaprio, will you give me the Crystal?
Crow: (Sailor Moon) Umm...
Mike: (Beryl) Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
and use it to unleash a power called the Negaforce.
Crow: Behold the awesomely bad acting skills of Barry Bostwick and
Persis Khambatta!
Mike: You’re thinking of Megaforce, Crow.
Once free, the Negaforce will give Beryl the power to enslave the
universe.
Crow: (Beryl) Now let's see, who should I enslave first? Joseph Fiennes
or Ewan McGregor? Choices, choices.
Malachite: The greatest of Beryl’s Generals and leader of the army of
the Negaverse.
Mike: Where's Bruce Campbell when you need him?
Malachite has been given the task of getting the Silver Imperium Crystal
from the Sailor Scouts.
Crow: After losing it in a game of Twister.
This is a task he does with relish, since he blames the Scouts for the
death of his lover, and fellow General, Zoisite.
Tom: (Austin Powers) That's not a man, it's Zoisite, baby!
Teleportation, telekinesis, and energy manipulation are among the powers
he is known to have.
Mike: Wow, he has almost as many powers as an author avatar.
Know being the operative word, since Malachite always has a trick up his
sleeve.
Crow: Along with a few doves and some cards. He and his magic act are a
riot at parties.
Other Stuff You Should Know
Tom: Jar Jar Binks is evil.
Crow: Melon rinds make bad hats.
Mike: David Bowie should never be allowed to act.
Tuxedo Mask: Darien Chiba (Mamoru in the Japanese version) is the Sailor
Scout’s greatest ally
Crow: Greatest ally? He's a wuss!
Mike: No wonder they keep dying.
against the Negaverse, and the object of Sailor Moon’s affection.
Tom: He's also wanted for lewd conduct with a minor. If you've seen
Tuxedo Mask don't try to apprehend him yourself. He's armed with flowers
and is to be considered extremely corny.
His Japanese name could roughly be translated to "Protector of the
Earth."
Mike: So that's why everything's screwed up.
He is four or five years older than Serena, and very smart.
Tom: Nah, he's just smart enough to mouth off silly "advice" instead of
kicking some Negaverse butt and actually getting himself in danger.
In disguise, he wears a tuxedo and tophat, throws magical roses, and
wields and enchanted cane.
Mike: Not a word, Crow.
Crow: Not even a Boogie Nights reference?
Mike: No.
Note: Tuxedo Mask is only mentioned in passing in this story. But since
he’s such a vital part of the Sailor Moon mythos, I thought it best to
include him.
Tom: So we spent all that time on a character who isn't even in the
story? Are we sure Dr. Thinker didn't write this?
Anna: An android with superhuman speed, strength, reflexes, and the
ability to cook like no other, Anna serves as Gen13’s housekeeper.
Crow: She’s Robo-Hazel.
She is also programmed to protect the kids at all costs.
Mike: If Data and Fran Drescher had kid...
Crow: That was an image I really could have done without, Mike.
Gen-Factor: A mutagenic factor that changes the DNA of it’s host,
resulting in the host gaining extraordinary powers.
All: We've got techno-babble sign!
The Gen-factor allows the individual to tap into an extra-dimensional
power source and channel the energies found therein.
Tom: The occasional tentacled, bug-eyed Lovecraftian horrors aside, this
was considered to be a good thing.
It is the Gen-Factor that gave both Team 7 and Gen13 their powers.
Crow: Not to be confused with the X-factor, which gives Marvel mutants
their powers and angst.
I/O: International Operations. America’s premier espionage agency, I/O
has agents in every corner of the world.
Mike: But since the world is round they keep falling off.
It’s goal is to maintain the new world order and I/O goes about this
goal as it sees fit.
Crow: See! See! I told you the New World Order was real!
Mike: No more Usenet for you, young man.
It was I/O that created the Gen-Factor, formed Team 7, and recruited the
Gen13 kids into Project: Genesis.
Tom: Okay, Fairchild, Rainmaker, Burnout, and even Freefall I can see,
but who the hell recruited Grunge?!
Mike: Must have been some bureaucrat going through caffeine withdrawal.
Team 7: Composed of the finest soldiers from all branches of the US
military, Team 7 was designed to be America’s elite
anti-terrorism/covert operations unit during the Cold War and beyond.
Tom: Cold War Beyond, this Sunday on Kids WB!
They were unwillingly exposed to the Gen-Factor by I/O causing each
member to gain incredible powers.
Crow: (Incredible Hulk) Hulk smash puny fanfics!
Despite the team’s success in combat, its members began to question the
motives of their superiors, and it disbanded.
Mike: (Team 7 member) Do you ever get the feeling that we're just tools
for evil?
Tom: (ditto) No, why do you ask? Say, that soldier got away. Suck his
brains out for me, will you?
Today, former Team 7 members are still active in many paramilitary and
shadow organizations throughout the world.
Mike: Including the Boy Scouts of America.
Crow: (patiently) No, Mike. The Boy Scouts are mere underlings, hired
guns for the real brains.
Tom: Bill Gates?
Crow: No, the Girl Scouts! Don't you see? They communicate to each other
through coded messages in Seventeen, and secretly distribute chemicals
in their cookies to make people docile and apathetic. It's only a matter
of time be--
Mike: Crow, three words: No. More. X-Files.
Many member’s children have inherited the Gen-Factor and possess powers
themselves.
Tom: One of whom sings masochistic bubblegum pop and has the power to
make
post-pubescent human beings ill.
Continuity Note: This story is set between the Sailor Moon episodes #31
and #32 and between Gen13 #12-13.
Crow: And we need to know this because...?
Mike: Give the guy a break. At least he's following continuity, unlike
some pro writers we could name.