It leapt from place to place, not knowing it's destination, only
following instinct, and orders.
Maybe 'its' instead of 'it's.' Explanation: 'It's' is a contraction (I
think that's what they're called) for 'it' and 'is.' It does not mean
'belonging to it.' 'Its,' on the other hand, does. In short, use 'its.'
^_^
The creature itself was not intelligent, only knowing how to do basic
things. Operate simple machines such as doors, or move a box to help it
reach a higher place.
Since you're listing what this creature can do, why not put a colon after
'knowing how to do basic things'?
A BESM Campaign turned prose...
Sorry for asking, Mr. Emmerson, but what's a BESM? ^_^;
especially to Ryo. He much rather preferred the nights sky to be cleared
Is it "night's sky," "nights' skies," or "night sky"? <:)
Museum of Natural History's archaeologist convention. His father, Ichiro
"His father, Ichiro, was" or "His father Ichiro was." Doesn't really
matter which, I think. (Well, it does, but I don't know WHY it does.)
Since then, Ryo had followed in his parents footsteps, traveling the
parents' footsteps. The apostrophe makes the footsteps belong to his
parents.
-- and rivals. Deborah Jane Croft was the worst of the rivals-- but in
a way, the best. She often teased him, and worked against him... But
truthfully... She had a thing for him.
;) Is she, perchance, related to the Lara Croft?
being a step behind. Ryo preferred it that way. Which is why he never
stayed in the same place for too long of a time.
Well, you write mainly in past tense, so shouldn't this last sentence be
set in the past, as well?
his uncle and aunt. That's it. If Deborah followed him--
As well as this.
Ryo turned to the window. If he had been in another state of mind, he
may have wondered what had possessed him to look back into the car.
Is this Deborah some kind of psycho?? :( Scary lady.
Needless to say, the Rising Sun were not happy.
Hee. ^_^
Dee _ENJOYED_ leaking the life out of that Rising Sun bastard. Piece
by piece, she enjoyed watching him die, clawing at her for mercy.
It's funny... I LIKE this lady, but Deborah scares me.
Aston knew it sucked. But orders are orders.
This last sentence is present tense, too...
The one called Hobgoblin reared back one steady claw, and forced it
through the rooftop of the train, tearing a whole through the thick
sheet
You've got the wrong 'hole,' Mr. Emmerson. The 'whole' you're using means
complete, entire. The 'hole' you want is H-O-L-E, a gap or an opening.
He had almost wet himself, thinking they were slashers, or assassins
or something. Probably working for the Lesbian Amazons Warriors he had
encountered, and barely escaped from by the skin of his teeth.
Hoho, now that's weird...! ^o^;;
As soon as it had grown, he dropped all forms of fear for the two
human beings before him, and renewed it as the... creature dropped out
of
the ceiling.
As soon as what had grown? His fear? Can you fix your sentence so it's
clearer?
Still standing, the creature lashed out again, striking the man in the
side and creating a fair sized wound, which was no bleeding quite a bit.
which was now bleeding
Ryo blinked. He just said... 'Sleep' and she fell to the floor.
NEAT. >:}
Usually, I don't read anything other than Final Fantasy or Ranma
fanfiction... so just now, I was written a little out of character for
Nibun. ^_^ Anyway, as usual, I've enjoyed your writing, Mr.
Emmerson/Tyd... whichever you prefer.
Nibun