Hello again, Morgan!
Hello again, Latin D! Great to hear from you!
Time for sending some C&C again.
My absolute favorite time of the day... ^_^
<SNIP THE AUTHOR'S NOTES WHERE MORGAN PLEADS FOR C&C>
I've learned that the more I plead for it, the more likely I am to get some.
Pride is slightly less important to me than replies. ^_^
Hey, BTW, you remembered to include the URL for your site! That's two
times
in a row, my friend! Good work! ^_~
Huh? I remembered to do something? Boy, that doesn't sound like something
I'd do... must have been the sleep deprivation.
As always, every little thing I say is purely in my oh-so-humble opinion,
so
feel free to ignore me whenever you feel like it.
Considering I never have before, I'll go out on a limb and promise not to do
it this time either. Seriously, I've always appreciated this, my good man.
By all means, let us see what we shall see. ^_^
> Chapter Four : SEARCHING
With caps and everything? Wow, they must be _really_ searching. ^_^
"Gotta keep Searchin', Searchin',
Find a place to hide...
Searchin', Searchin',
She'll be by my side...
We gotta keep on the run, run :
Follow the sun, sun..." ^_^
> It was early winter in Tokyo, but the rain didn't care. It fell
> less in drops than in sheets, pounding against the icy pavement and
> sending chunks of melting snow floating down the streets like miniature
> icebergs, seeking miniature ships to sink. A loud peal of thunder
> rolled through the air, vibrating through the nearly vacant streets
> like the beating of a giant snare drum.
Oookay. This paragraph was _great_. The imagery was very... suggestive.
It's
always a pleasure to read the opening of your chapters. Keep it up.
Thanks. The openings are always the hardest parts for me, and it's nice to
know that my work is being appreciated. ^_^
> It was not the best of weather for man or beast, and yet both
> were out in meager numbers. Salarymen struggled to keep their umbrellas
Something seems off here. The fact that both man and beast "were out in
_meager_ numbers" is a consequence of the bad weather, right?
Well, the idea was that the weather is miserable enough that nobody should
be out at all. There ARE people, but not many of them.
Well, if it's so, then you should drop "yet" and try another linker.
"So",
maybe?
If you say so, pal : I got no idea, myself.
BTW, I think it's 'meagre' in British English.
Yes... it is. Thanks for the pointer, pal! ^_~
<IT'S A... SNIP!>
> "It's raining." The other man was shorter, clutching one arm
> to his ribs as he shuffled down the sidewalk. He wore long black
> hakama, the pleated pants of a samurai, and had a long shirt partially
> tucked into his waisband. The shirt may at one point have been white,
> but was now leaning towards a dark pink, as the rainwater mixed with
> the blood staining his left side.
Typo: waistand
Typo : waistband. But I know what you mean. I type too fast, I guess.
> "Really? I hadn't noticed." The taller of the two men was
> wearing black pants and a quilted vest over a black shirt. His clothes
> were practically glued to his frame by the water, and his silver hair
> hung limply behind him as he lifted his arms and tried to rearrange
> the sodden patch clinging to his left eye. "What the hell do you want
> ME to do about it?"
>
> "Nothing." Gritting his teeth, the dark haired man limped over
dark-haired?
(shrugs) Well, my Webster's Compact Writers Guide says that hyphens can be
used to join two words in a compound word, so I guess you could be right.
I'll go back over this and make the changes.
> "Wonderful." Rajura, Masho of Deception, consulted a fine
> golden watch that on closer inspection resembled a miniature sundial.
> Not one to be troubled by cloud cover, he had somehow arranged for it
> to have a miniature sun, as well. "We have another three and a half
> hours before the gate reopens." Removing his eyepatch, he wrung out at
> least a pint of water from the scrap of cloth before reattaching it to
> his head. "I suggest we hurry : my patch is getting soggy."
"...and that could hurt my eye... Ah, no, wait. I don't have it any more.
Never mind, then."
^_^
Yeah, but imagine how uncomfortable it is to have a piece of wet cloth
strapped to your face. Not to mention that it would probably give him an
ache.
> **********
>
> Haruka Ten'ou idly poked at her breakfast with her chopsticks
> as she stared out of the window. The rain pummeled the thin plate of
Typo: pummelled
Why so it is! How did that get there? Consider it fixed.
<YOU KNOW WHAT>
<YES, I DO>
> Michiru smiled again, and rested her head on Haruka's shoulder.
> "I'm not sure," she admitted, "but I know a way to find out..." Slowly,
> the woman craned her neck until her lips were just barely brushing
> Haruka's, their breath mingling as they slowly leaned towards each
> other.
Is it possible? Will this get LEMON?
Have I ever gotten lemon before? ^_~
> "Good morning, Haruka-papa. Good morning, Michiru-mama." A
> pale young girl drifted into the room and folded her legs under her,
> smoothing the pleats in her skirt with one hand as she reached for
> her chopsticks. "I must have overslept : I'm sorry."
Awwww, you meanie writer! Not even LIME? ^_^
Nope, not this chapter. Check back a bit later : Tuls practically forces you
to write her with citrus of some kind.
> Haruka groaned, and began to chuckle. With a soft laugh of her
> own, Michiru pecked her lover on the forehead and sat back, smiling
> at their adopted daughter. "Nuts," Haruka sighed, "and just when it
> about to get good. We need to work on your timing, kiddo."
...when it WAS about...
Oh, so you agree with her? ^_^
I know, I know. I'll fix it, already!
> Hotaru smiled slightly. "As my role models, you should be far
> more careful how you behave in the presence of minors."
...far more careful ABOUT how...?
Nope, not as far as I can tell. "...more careful how..." is the way it tends
to be said.
> Haruka grinned. "Good point. Go to your room."
>
> Sipping from her bowl of soup, the raven haired young girl
raven-haired?
Okay. :b
> checked her watch. "We're quite late for school, aren't we? First bell
> was nearly an hour ago."
>
> "We aren't going today, Hotaru-chan." Haruka retrieved her
> chopsticks and continued picking at her breakfast. "I've got a really
> bad feeling about this storm : we'd be better off staying inside." The
> woman sighed and straightened the collar of her boy's school uniform.
>
> "Not to mention," Michiru added, "that it knocked out the power
> last night and none of our alarms went off this morning. And Haruka
> hates bucket duty."
Are you sure Michiru and Haruka go to school? I don't know their ages,
but
they always seemed pretty... mature to me. Maybe they go to College, but
I
don't think they have bucket duty there.
Michiru and Haruka are very mature... compared to the other Senshi. Anybody
out there can feel free to correct me on this, but I believe that when they
first appear, Haruka and Michiru are attending Mugen Gakuen High. After it
gets blown up during the battle with Mistress 9 and Pharoah 90, they
transfer to Jubaan High, during Sailor Moon SuperS. They may be seniors, but
they're still in high school.
> "Yes," the taller woman agreed as she shook back her short
> fringe of golden hair, "Haruka hates bucket duty. And all of her
> teachers know that she hates it, which is why they always give it to
> her. Excuse me, but I believe that something you hate deserves to be
> avoided."
She speaks of herself in 3rd person? Reminds me of Caesar. ^_^
Great, now I've got an image of Haruka dressed in a toga stuck in my mind.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you... ^_^
> "Oh," Hotaru pursed her lips and contemplated her breakfast
> as she thought about that. "So... if I hate milk, then I can avoid
> drinking it?"
Heh. _That_ is called thinking quickly.
Hotaru has always been a very smart girl.
> "Drink your milk," Haruka said firmly, dashing young Hotaru's
> hopes. The girl took a reluctant sip from her glass and made a sour
> face as Haruka began reading the newspaper.
>
> "And don't think I don't see that face you're making, young
> lasy" she said, without even bothering to look up from the news. "I
> know you don't like milk, but you have to drink it."
Typo: lady
Will fix.
> Hotaru pouted. "Why?"
>
> "Because I say so."
>
> "Why?"
>
> "Because I'm in charge."
>
> "Why?"
>
> "Because," Haruka answered calmly, "I'm bigger than you."
"And I can destroy the whole world on a whim. What's your point?"
Er... come to think of it, why DOES she have to listen to any of them?
> Folding the paper over, she glanced over at the young girl. "Hotaru,
> if you keep this up, you'll still end up drinking the milk. It's
> just going to be warm when you do it. Now, ask yourself which you like
...going to be COLD when... (at least, that's the way it works down here
^_^)
Really? Up here, milk comes from the fridge and goes in the glass. You leave
it sitting long enough, it gets to be room temperature. Thus, warm milk.
Probably the only thing I can imagine Hotaru hating more than cold milk.
> "Yuh-huh," the voice from behind the paper responded, and an
Isn't it "Uh-huh"? Yes, I know this is a nitpick, but I just can't help
it.
Oh, who am I to deny you the small pleasures of nitpicking?
"Yuh-huh" seemed a bit less guttural than the usual way of saying it, and
sounded better for Haruka. I can just as easily change it to a "Sure" or a
"Yup".
> arm stretched out, holding an additional bowl. "Knock yourself out,
> kid."
>
> Hotaru looked at Michiru, who shook her head and smiled. With a
> hopeful look in her eyes once more, the girl quickly gathered all of
> the dirty dishes (as well as her still-full glass) and headed into
> the kitchen.
>
> **********
>
> Rajura cast a worried glance at Anubis as the Masho of Darkness
> stumbled along the rain-soaked street. His wound was still bleeding,
> and his normally inscrutable expression was contorted by pain. The
> dark haired Masho was wheezing constantly, struggling for every breath
Again, dark-haired? You may want to check this, as I'm not sure.
Okay, my thesaurus has it with a hyphen, so you're right. I'll change all of
those as soon as I can.
<LONG SNIP>
"Because you need a bandage, and I'll be damned if I destroy a
Drop the last 'a'.
Actually, I lost a word : single. As in "...destroy a single one of my
perfectly good..."
I'll just drop the "a", though, since the sentence works just as well that
way.
> one of my perfectly good shirts on YOUR behalf." The fabric made a
> loud tearing noise as Rajura ripped it into strips and began applying
> them to the other man's side. "You," he told his friend analytically,
> "have a punctured lung, and a sucking chest wound. By all rights, you
> should have died hours ago."
<SNIP>
> "Remember that," Rajura said with a cold glare, "the next time
> you decide to be facetious. You are in no condition to beat me, if I
> were to take issue with your orders : I follow you only by choice, and
> convenience." The tall man rose, tossing his wet hair back over his
> shoulder as he stormed away. Behind him, Anubis made a disgrunted face
Typo: disgruntled
Check! Will fix!
> Leaning closer, she traced a vague outline as the water parted
> and trickled in a familiar shape. Setsuna, she thought as the image
> vanished like steam on a summer's day. For a moment, she would have
> sworn she could see the green-haired woman's image formed in the
> ripples of rainwater. With a sigh, she rested her head in her hands
> and leaned against the counter. Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama had been
> acting as though nothing was different, but she could tell that even
> they missed the last member of their little family.
From what I remember, I don't think Setsuna is missing them. ^_^
Well, she WOULD be missing them, if she had any spare time to think about
it. She's been a bit busy for the last little while (fifteen chapters, by my
count). ^_^
That would be an interesting, LEMON, side-story... "What's Setsuna doing
right now?", or something. Think about it. ^_^
I think we can all guess what she's doing right now. And for the past
fifteen chapters of my story, since we last saw her. After all, Shutendoji
is her husband, and he's been away from her for over a year : I'm sure
they've been having tea and crumpets. ^_~
<SNIP>
"What's wrong, buddy? Car break down? Were you robbed?"
Car broke down? (suggestion)
But it's in the present tense, I think, as in : "Did your car break down?"
> "Not... me..." The man managed to gasp, as he struggled to his
> feet and pointed past Haruka's shoulder, into the dark shadows beyond.
> "There's a man... passed out in the street. He needs a hospital, if
> you know... where one is."
>
> Haruka glanced first in the direction that the man was
> pointing, then back down at the man himself. "Are you sure you're okay,
> pal? You look a bit worn out, to me."
...out to me. (I don't think the comma is needed)
I'm overly fond of those little devils. I guess I can afford to part with
this one, if you insist.
<OH-SO-TINY SNIP>
> "Anubis of the Masho? What on Earth is he doing... ON Earth?"
> The last time she had seen him, Anubis had been a devoted soldier of
> his Empress Kayura, to the point where he nearly killed Haruka and
> Hotaru both. It had all been a huge mistake on everyone's part, and
> they had parted as - well, if not friends, then at least not enemies,
> either. How, months later, could his beaten body have washed up on
> her doorstep?
It's called 'plot-device'. ^_~
Not really. In Flashback chapter 2, Naaza and Seiji/Minako visited Michiru
and Hotaru at their house. If Anubis and Rajura were following Naaza's
scent, it would make sense for them to wind up on the Outer Senshi's
doorstep.
> **********
>
> "Entirely by accident, I assure you," Rajura explained several
> minutes later as he leaned back in his chair and took a brief sip
> from the china teacup he held cradled in his grasp. Without realising
> it, he carefully turned the cup in his hands before setting it back
> down. "You Sailor Senshi were the last people we had ever expected-or
> hoped-to see, no offense intended."
In British English, I believe it's "offence".
Blast! I suppose it is. Better fix that, I guess. ^_^
> Anubis made a low noise in his throat from his prone position
> on the couch, where Hotaru was running her hands over his injury.
By "running her hands over" you imply she's touching him. If I remember
correctly, Hotaru holds her hands some distance away from the injury when
she heals someone.
Sorry, but it was the only way to describe it I could think of. "Running her
hands above" didn't sound right. Any suggestions?
> Rajura made a face. "We appreciate your hospitality, but we
> really do need to be leaving now. We have to find our friend in the
> next-" he checked his watch. "One hour and fifteen minutes."
>
> "At least," Michiru countered, "until your clothes are dry.
> Surely that isn't so very long to hold your search, if you don't know
> where to look?"
>
> With a dangerously suspicious look in his eye, Rajura nodded
> silently. "Excellent," Michiru concluded with a serene smile. "If
> you'll excuse me, we seem to be getting low on tea. Haruka, could you
> join me in the kitchen?"
Very subtle, Michiru, very subtle.
What can I say? Sailor Neptune is not by nature the deceptive type. If
Rajura was already suspicious of her, it was more important that she check
her findings with Haruka than bother trying to fool the Masho of Deception.
Which would be kind of like trying to burn the Human Torch.
<SSSSSSNIP>
> "So we're agreed?" Michiru asked as she lifted the teapot and
> took a step back towards the door. "The Masho don't leave here until
> we know for certain what they're up to?"
...don't leave until... (I don't think the 'here' is needed)
You got it! The "here" is as good as dropped! ^_^
<MINI-SNIP>
> A smile tugged at his lips as the dark haired man adjusted his
dark-haired? Sorry for being repetitive.
I forgive you. It's perfectly all right to do that when you're correct.
> position in the chair and threw his long grey cape over his shoulder
> and out of his way. "I wish I could believe you, Tuls, I really do.
> Do you have any further information from the ground troops?"
I guess they have diferent tastes wherever they come from... She didn't
sound all that attractive from your desciption. Oh, well, each to its
own,
as they say.
This is Tuls. I think you're thinking of Holts, the other sister. I haven't
described Tuls yet. All she is so far is a voice on a headset. Still, I've
had a few people comment that Holts sounded not so uncute, so I agree with
your sentiment.
<TINY SNIP>
> "We're good to go, love. Six close matches, but all pretty
> low level. I'd guess they're either not as strong as the babe, or
> not using their power to its full ability. One of them is nearly a
> dead ringer for her. Stronger than the other five, too."
Um, I wonder who she is. Hotaru? She does have similar features...
Nope. Pedri and his group aren't checking for matches to Kayura herself,
they're looking for matches to her armour. The six close matches are Naaza
and the Samurai Troopers. Naaza is stronger than the other five, and his
tainted
yoroi would have more in common with Kayura's than any of the Troopers.
However, Hotaru and Kayura DO look a lot alike. And yes, I do plan to do
something with that before this story is done. ^_^
> Pedri slowly dragged on the cigarette, its tip glowing orange
> as he contemplated his strategy. "Send a squadron of our troops to
> check it out."
>
> "That Empress of yours took out nearly a division before we
> finally got her, hon. Shouldn't you be a little more careful? Send
> Erdge!"
Kajura lost?! Well, that was... unexpected. I thought there was no way
she'd
lose that fight, especially while using her yoroi. Besides, I thought
that
Thraw would be finished by the red egg Kajura threw at him.
No such luck. Trust me when I tell you that Thraw is not only still alive,
he's very, very angry. Not to mention even tougher than he looks. Don't
forget that he was holding his own against Kayura while she was in her
yoroi. I say it once, and once only : these siblings are a LOT more powerful
than you think they are. I've barely even scratched the surface on these
people.
> "Just send the damned squadron, Tuls." Pedri turned off his
> headset and yanked it free of his cranium. Taking another long pull
> on his cigarette, the man looked over at the glowing crystal tube
> sitting nearby. Within it, a beautiful woman floated naked in a sea
> of burbling gel.
Why doesn't he send one of the other 'siblings'? Without the Masho, the
situation in the Dark Kingdom is pretty much secured, right?
Ah, but Pedri can't afford to send any of the siblings. He doesn't know
where the Masho are, or what they're up to. For all he knows, they could
attack at any second.
> **********
>
> TO BE CONTINUED...
...thank the Heavens.
Well, what can I say that I haven't said before? This story has it all,
and
every person looking for good, well-written, interesting, exciting
fanfiction should read any of the Ronin Summer story arcs. C'mon, it's
worth
it!
Er... yeah! What he said! ^_^
On this chapter itself, well, I don't have a clue why Rajura wouldn't
want
the Outer Senshi's help, but I'm sure you have an explanation.
Oh, I've got an explanation. It even makes a bit of sense, as far as Rajura
goes, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait until Chapter Five before you get
to find out what it is.
I really
didn't think the Empress would be captured (or was she...?), though. Not
much to say other than that. Description is astounding, the plot thickens
more and more with every new chapter and the dialogue is simply
brilliant--funny, believable and one of the things you do best.
Thanks. I always try my hardest to write the dialogue well. I feel that as
long as the characters are believable, the plots can get as weird as you
want. And this plot will be getting pretty weird, once I start getting more
into the siblings.
I promised this would be my longest arc yet, and it will. However, the urge
to just let everything loose gets worse and worse. I have to keep reminding
myself to take it slow. Believe me, though, this will all make sense
eventually.
I hope... ^_^
Anyway, thanks as usual for the stellar C&C, my friend! I'll be sure to
return the favour as soon as you finish that next chapter of Silent
Battles... you ARE working on that, aren't you? ^_^
Ja ne!
-Morgan Hudson
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