After reading partway through your fic, I decided just to stick these
Words of Advice up here, Mr. O'Donnell, from a lowly schoolgirl ^_~:
I can't stress this enough, but run your fic through a spell checker.
It's not fair, being lazy, and then just tossing it to us to pick at. Run
it through several versions of spell-checkers if you want. Also: "I
before E except after C." You seem to have a pretty good vocabulary (or a
great thesaurus), though, so keep up the good work. :)
If you start a sentence with a preposition (i.e., "Blinking, Akane ran,"
or "Using the small keypad, Ranma turned it off,"), add a comma after the
prepositional clause-thingy.
In dialogue, if you address a person, ("Hey, Ranma, what'd you do?"), you
set the name apart from the rest of the sentence with commas.
If you use a word as a name, capitalize it. ("Mom made dinner?" as
opposed to "My mom made dinner.")
Dialogue--"Sounds interesting," Nabiki said INSTEAD OF "Sounds
interesting." Nabiki said. If Nabiki is asking a question or exclaiming
something, forget the comma. OR "Sounds interesting." Nabiki covered up
a yawn. She SAYS it, but you don't SAY that she said it, so you're free
to have the period. (I understand that this doesn't make much sense; I'm
no English teacher. :P)
Nibun