Hello again, Morgan!
Time for sending some C&C again.
<SNIP THE AUTHOR'S NOTES WHERE MORGAN PLEADS FOR C&C>
Hey, BTW, you remembered to include the URL for your site! That's two times
in a row, my friend! Good work! ^_~
As always, every little thing I say is purely in my oh-so-humble opinion, so
feel free to ignore me whenever you feel like it.
Chapter Four : SEARCHING
With caps and everything? Wow, they must be _really_ searching. ^_^
It was early winter in Tokyo, but the rain didn't care. It fell
less in drops than in sheets, pounding against the icy pavement and
sending chunks of melting snow floating down the streets like miniature
icebergs, seeking miniature ships to sink. A loud peal of thunder
rolled through the air, vibrating through the nearly vacant streets
like the beating of a giant snare drum.
Oookay. This paragraph was _great_. The imagery was very... suggestive. It's
always a pleasure to read the opening of your chapters. Keep it up.
It was not the best of weather for man or beast, and yet both
were out in meager numbers. Salarymen struggled to keep their umbrellas
Something seems off here. The fact that both man and beast "were out in
_meager_ numbers" is a consequence of the bad weather, right?
Well, if it's so, then you should drop "yet" and try another linker. "So",
maybe?
BTW, I think it's 'meagre' in British English.
<IT'S A... SNIP!>
"It's raining." The other man was shorter, clutching one arm
to his ribs as he shuffled down the sidewalk. He wore long black
hakama, the pleated pants of a samurai, and had a long shirt partially
tucked into his waisband. The shirt may at one point have been white,
but was now leaning towards a dark pink, as the rainwater mixed with
the blood staining his left side.
Typo: waistand
"Really? I hadn't noticed." The taller of the two men was
wearing black pants and a quilted vest over a black shirt. His clothes
were practically glued to his frame by the water, and his silver hair
hung limply behind him as he lifted his arms and tried to rearrange
the sodden patch clinging to his left eye. "What the hell do you want
ME to do about it?"
"Nothing." Gritting his teeth, the dark haired man limped over
dark-haired?
to a buzzing streetlight and sniffed slightly. "Rain just makes it
harder, you know. It'll wipe out his trail, and it's hard enough
tracking him through all this." He shook his head, and sniffed again.
"I think I've got his scent, and one other, but it's confused."
"Confused?" The taller man made a face and glanced around to
make sure nobody was paying attention to them. Despite their outlandish
appearance, nobody seemed curious enough to risk getting wetter just
to find out what they were up to. "Explain 'confused' for me, Anubis."
"Confused," the Masho of Darkness explained as he continued
sniffing the air, "as in it should be Seiji Date, but isn't. Not quite.
Whoever it is, they're with Naaza. And they went..." He sniffed around
a bit more, before pointing down the road. "THAT way."
"Wonderful." Rajura, Masho of Deception, consulted a fine
golden watch that on closer inspection resembled a miniature sundial.
Not one to be troubled by cloud cover, he had somehow arranged for it
to have a miniature sun, as well. "We have another three and a half
hours before the gate reopens." Removing his eyepatch, he wrung out at
least a pint of water from the scrap of cloth before reattaching it to
his head. "I suggest we hurry : my patch is getting soggy."
"...and that could hurt my eye... Ah, no, wait. I don't have it any more.
Never mind, then."
**********
Haruka Ten'ou idly poked at her breakfast with her chopsticks
as she stared out of the window. The rain pummeled the thin plate of
Typo: pummelled
<YOU KNOW WHAT>
Michiru smiled again, and rested her head on Haruka's shoulder.
"I'm not sure," she admitted, "but I know a way to find out..." Slowly,
the woman craned her neck until her lips were just barely brushing
Haruka's, their breath mingling as they slowly leaned towards each
other.
Is it possible? Will this get LEMON?
"Good morning, Haruka-papa. Good morning, Michiru-mama." A
pale young girl drifted into the room and folded her legs under her,
smoothing the pleats in her skirt with one hand as she reached for
her chopsticks. "I must have overslept : I'm sorry."
Awwww, you meanie writer! Not even LIME? ^_^
Haruka groaned, and began to chuckle. With a soft laugh of her
own, Michiru pecked her lover on the forehead and sat back, smiling
at their adopted daughter. "Nuts," Haruka sighed, "and just when it
about to get good. We need to work on your timing, kiddo."
...when it WAS about...
Hotaru smiled slightly. "As my role models, you should be far
more careful how you behave in the presence of minors."
...far more careful ABOUT how...?
Haruka grinned. "Good point. Go to your room."
Sipping from her bowl of soup, the raven haired young girl
raven-haired?
checked her watch. "We're quite late for school, aren't we? First bell
was nearly an hour ago."
"We aren't going today, Hotaru-chan." Haruka retrieved her
chopsticks and continued picking at her breakfast. "I've got a really
bad feeling about this storm : we'd be better off staying inside." The
woman sighed and straightened the collar of her boy's school uniform.
"Not to mention," Michiru added, "that it knocked out the power
last night and none of our alarms went off this morning. And Haruka
hates bucket duty."
Are you sure Michiru and Haruka go to school? I don't know their ages, but
they always seemed pretty... mature to me. Maybe they go to College, but I
don't think they have bucket duty there.
"Yes," the taller woman agreed as she shook back her short
fringe of golden hair, "Haruka hates bucket duty. And all of her
teachers know that she hates it, which is why they always give it to
her. Excuse me, but I believe that something you hate deserves to be
avoided."
She speaks of herself in 3rd person? Reminds me of Caesar. ^_^
"Oh," Hotaru pursed her lips and contemplated her breakfast
as she thought about that. "So... if I hate milk, then I can avoid
drinking it?"
Heh. _That_ is called thinking quickly.
"Drink your milk," Haruka said firmly, dashing young Hotaru's
hopes. The girl took a reluctant sip from her glass and made a sour
face as Haruka began reading the newspaper.
"And don't think I don't see that face you're making, young
lasy" she said, without even bothering to look up from the news. "I
know you don't like milk, but you have to drink it."
Typo: lady
Hotaru pouted. "Why?"
"Because I say so."
"Why?"
"Because I'm in charge."
"Why?"
"Because," Haruka answered calmly, "I'm bigger than you."
"And I can destroy the whole world on a whim. What's your point?"
Folding the paper over, she glanced over at the young girl. "Hotaru,
if you keep this up, you'll still end up drinking the milk. It's
just going to be warm when you do it. Now, ask yourself which you like
...going to be COLD when... (at least, that's the way it works down here
^_^)
less : warm milk, or cold milk?"
Hotaru made another face and stared at her glass as though
the white liquid within was going to jump up and attack her. With a
resigned sigh, she took another sip and shuddered as she swallowed.
Michiru shrugged helpfully and returned to drinking her soup. Hotaru
looked thoughtfully at the milk still lapping against the edge of her
glass. Slowly, she ate the last of her sticky beans and pickles. "Can
I please clear the dishes from the table?"
"Yuh-huh," the voice from behind the paper responded, and an
Isn't it "Uh-huh"? Yes, I know this is a nitpick, but I just can't help it.
arm stretched out, holding an additional bowl. "Knock yourself out,
kid."
Hotaru looked at Michiru, who shook her head and smiled. With a
hopeful look in her eyes once more, the girl quickly gathered all of
the dirty dishes (as well as her still-full glass) and headed into
the kitchen.
**********
Rajura cast a worried glance at Anubis as the Masho of Darkness
stumbled along the rain-soaked street. His wound was still bleeding,
and his normally inscrutable expression was contorted by pain. The
dark haired Masho was wheezing constantly, struggling for every breath
Again, dark-haired? You may want to check this, as I'm not sure.
<LONG SNIP>
"Because you need a bandage, and I'll be damned if I destroy a
Drop the last 'a'.
one of my perfectly good shirts on YOUR behalf." The fabric made a
loud tearing noise as Rajura ripped it into strips and began applying
them to the other man's side. "You," he told his friend analytically,
"have a punctured lung, and a sucking chest wound. By all rights, you
should have died hours ago."
"I guess it's a good thing that I'm stubborn," Anubis hissed
as the bands of fabric rasped against his wound. "Are you done
torturing me yet? We haven't much time to find Naaza."
Rajura glared at Anubis, and roughly jammed his fingers into
the man's ribs before tying off the torn strips of fabric he had wound
around Anubis' chest and shoulder. The Masho's eyes bugged, and he
bit his lower lip until it bled, groaning in pain.
"Remember that," Rajura said with a cold glare, "the next time
you decide to be facetious. You are in no condition to beat me, if I
were to take issue with your orders : I follow you only by choice, and
convenience." The tall man rose, tossing his wet hair back over his
shoulder as he stormed away. Behind him, Anubis made a disgrunted face
Typo: disgruntled
and chased after, sniffing the air for any signs of their ally's
scent.
**********
Hotaru gleefully watched her milk gurgle down the drain as she
placed the rest of the dishes in the sink for washing. The rain still
tapped against the windowpane, and the young girl took a moment to
view the patterns formed as the water rippled and ran down the glass.
It was enchanting, almost hypnotic as the shapes and forms unveiled
themselves to her, melting as soon as they appeared.
Leaning closer, she traced a vague outline as the water parted
and trickled in a familiar shape. Setsuna, she thought as the image
vanished like steam on a summer's day. For a moment, she would have
sworn she could see the green-haired woman's image formed in the
ripples of rainwater. With a sigh, she rested her head in her hands
and leaned against the counter. Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama had been
acting as though nothing was different, but she could tell that even
they missed the last member of their little family.
>From what I remember, I don't think Setsuna is missing them. ^_^
That would be an interesting, LEMON, side-story... "What's Setsuna doing
right now?", or something. Think about it. ^_^
<SNIP>
"What's wrong, buddy? Car break down? Were you robbed?"
Car broke down? (suggestion)
"Not... me..." The man managed to gasp, as he struggled to his
feet and pointed past Haruka's shoulder, into the dark shadows beyond.
"There's a man... passed out in the street. He needs a hospital, if
you know... where one is."
Haruka glanced first in the direction that the man was
pointing, then back down at the man himself. "Are you sure you're okay,
pal? You look a bit worn out, to me."
...out to me. (I don't think the comma is needed)
<OH-SO-TINY SNIP>
"Anubis of the Masho? What on Earth is he doing... ON Earth?"
The last time she had seen him, Anubis had been a devoted soldier of
his Empress Kayura, to the point where he nearly killed Haruka and
Hotaru both. It had all been a huge mistake on everyone's part, and
they had parted as - well, if not friends, then at least not enemies,
either. How, months later, could his beaten body have washed up on
her doorstep?
It's called 'plot-device'. ^_~
**********
"Entirely by accident, I assure you," Rajura explained several
minutes later as he leaned back in his chair and took a brief sip
from the china teacup he held cradled in his grasp. Without realising
it, he carefully turned the cup in his hands before setting it back
down. "You Sailor Senshi were the last people we had ever expected-or
hoped-to see, no offense intended."
In British English, I believe it's "offence".
"None taken," Haruka said with a smirk from her position in the
corner of the room. "We weren't exactly counting the days until we
could see YOU again, either. Now, what's going on? You say you're
looking for Naaza? Why?"
"No big deal," Rajura said quickly, interuppting Anubis' own
Typo: interrupting
attempt to answer the question. "We simply thought it was about time
he started heading home. He's been gone a while, and there's some...
work... piling up that he really should be helping us take care of."
Anubis made a low noise in his throat from his prone position
on the couch, where Hotaru was running her hands over his injury.
By "running her hands over" you imply she's touching him. If I remember
correctly, Hotaru holds her hands some distance away from the injury when
she heals someone.
Rajura responded with a silent glare, pursing his lips slightly and
lifting his eyebrows. Michiru observed the entire exchange with quiet
interest, calmly drinking from her teacup.
"I'm afraid," she said at length, "that you just missed Naaza.
He was here last night ; he dropped by with Seiji Date, and spent a
Extra space right... here.^
few hours talking to Nasuti while Hotaru and Jun watched a movie
upstairs. I believe the three of them left together."
With a gruff chuckle, Anubis reached over and patted Hotaru
on the cheek. "You've done a fine job," he commented to the girl with
a wolfish grin. "Naaza himself hasn't patched me up better." With
returning vigour, he began to lever himself off of the couch.
"If that's all," Rajura said brusquely, "we shall thank you
kindly for your assistance, and be on our way. Good day to you,
ladies." Bowing slightly at the waist, he stood from his seat and began
to walk towards the door.
"Oh, we couldn't possibly," Michiru said as she nodded her head
in Haruka's direction. Like a wraith, the blone woman seemed to flow
Typo: blonde
along the wall and materialise in front of the door, arms crossed.
"You see," the Senshi of Neptune continued, "what kind of hosts would
we be if you sent you back out into that storm? Please, at least stay
with us until the worst of it is over."
Rajura made a face. "We appreciate your hospitality, but we
really do need to be leaving now. We have to find our friend in the
next-" he checked his watch. "One hour and fifteen minutes."
"At least," Michiru countered, "until your clothes are dry.
Surely that isn't so very long to hold your search, if you don't know
where to look?"
With a dangerously suspicious look in his eye, Rajura nodded
silently. "Excellent," Michiru concluded with a serene smile. "If
you'll excuse me, we seem to be getting low on tea. Haruka, could you
join me in the kitchen?"
Very subtle, Michiru, very subtle.
<SSSSSSNIP>
"So we're agreed?" Michiru asked as she lifted the teapot and
took a step back towards the door. "The Masho don't leave here until
we know for certain what they're up to?"
...don't leave until... (I don't think the 'here' is needed)
<MINI-SNIP>
A smile tugged at his lips as the dark haired man adjusted his
dark-haired? Sorry for being repetitive.
position in the chair and threw his long grey cape over his shoulder
and out of his way. "I wish I could believe you, Tuls, I really do.
Do you have any further information from the ground troops?"
I guess they have diferent tastes wherever they come from... She didn't
sound all that attractive from your desciption. Oh, well, each to its own,
as they say.
<TINY SNIP>
"We're good to go, love. Six close matches, but all pretty
low level. I'd guess they're either not as strong as the babe, or
not using their power to its full ability. One of them is nearly a
dead ringer for her. Stronger than the other five, too."
Um, I wonder who she is. Hotaru? She does have similar features...
Pedri slowly dragged on the cigarette, its tip glowing orange
as he contemplated his strategy. "Send a squadron of our troops to
check it out."
"That Empress of yours took out nearly a division before we
finally got her, hon. Shouldn't you be a little more careful? Send
Erdge!"
Kajura lost?! Well, that was... unexpected. I thought there was no way she'd
lose that fight, especially while using her yoroi. Besides, I thought that
Thraw would be finished by the red egg Kajura threw at him.
Pedri's footstool quivered, and began to groan as she tried to
climb to her feet. Casually, he lifted his boot high and brought it
crashing down on the base of her skull. There was a loud crack, and
she slumped back onto the floor. "I'm afraid Erdge is out at the
moment," he reported pleasantly. "Oh, and that reminds me... could you
send someone to mop the floor in the command room? I'm afraid there's
a dreadful mess up here."
"Love, love." Tuls clucked her tongue. "Wasting all that
sadism on someone like Erdge? She'll never appreciate it, you know. At
least tell me you've got it on tape..."
"Just send the damned squadron, Tuls." Pedri turned off his
headset and yanked it free of his cranium. Taking another long pull
on his cigarette, the man looked over at the glowing crystal tube
sitting nearby. Within it, a beautiful woman floated naked in a sea
of burbling gel.
Why doesn't he send one of the other 'siblings'? Without the Masho, the
situation in the Dark Kingdom is pretty much secured, right?
"These Masho," he said, watching the smoke pour from his mouth
and writhe in intricate patterns around him, "they may prove difficult,
Mother." He paused, and took another drag on the butt clenched between
his fingers. "Well, yes," he agreed, nodding, "I do concur that they
should be dealt with. Yes, expediently is best. Of course, Mother,
I would never doubt you. It's just..." He sighed. "Yes, Mother. You do
know best. We'll find them." Holding the burning cigarette before him
again, he let it fall from his grasp and tumble into his palm.
"And when we do," he hissed softly as he closed his hand into
a fist, "thy will... shall be done."
**********
TO BE CONTINUED...
...thank the Heavens.
Well, what can I say that I haven't said before? This story has it all, and
every person looking for good, well-written, interesting, exciting
fanfiction should read any of the Ronin Summer story arcs. C'mon, it's worth
it!
On this chapter itself, well, I don't have a clue why Rajura wouldn't want
the Outer Senshi's help, but I'm sure you have an explanation. I really
didn't think the Empress would be captured (or was she...?), though. Not
much to say other than that. Description is astounding, the plot thickens
more and more with every new chapter and the dialogue is simply
brilliant--funny, believable and one of the things you do best.
The truth is that I'm only enjoying the ride, now, so don't expect nothing
deep down here. ^_^
Keep writing, Morgan!
Bye and good luck,
Latin_D