(Backstage. A little girl, no more than twelve, knocks on Dana Carvey's
door. She has unruly, shoulder-length black hair tied back with an enormous
red ribbon)
Carvey (from inside): What, is it time already? I haven't gotten my hose on
yet, even! (He - or would that be she, as he's just about done up as the
Church Lady - opens the door, and looks down at the girl.) Well... isn't
this spe-
Kiki (interrupting): Mr. Carvey, have you seen my cat?
Carvey: ...your cat?
Kiki: Jiji. He's run off. (She's almost in tears.) And I don't know where
to look for him!
Carvey: Hey, hey, sweetheart, we'll find your cat... just... just settle
down. Uh... it wasn't the one that... was driving that car earlier?
Kiki (shakes her head vigorously): Nuh-uh, but he talks, too, just like
Luna. And he's black, and he -
Carvey: Look, honey, I *really* have to go on in a moment... why don't you
check the greenroom for someone to help you out? (He points toward an
unmarked door)
Kiki: Oh... okay. (she looks crestfallen, but heads to the room
nevertheless. Carvey watches her go.)
Carvey: Hope she finds him. (Kiki closes the door behind her, and Carvey
slips into the Church Lady persona) Well... wasn't that the little girl in
league with... SATAN? Perhaps I should take it up with my... guest... ('She'
returns to 'her' dressing room)
(In the green room, Kiki stares as Ryoga argues with Matt Foley, Motivational
Speaker [Chris Farley])
Matt Foley: Yeah, but *I* live in a cardbox box on the other side of the
East River!
Ryoga: Yeah? Well, *I* turn into a pig when I'm hit with cold water!
Matt Foley: Yeah? Well *I* don't need any "curse" (makes quote-mark
gesture) to be called "pig" (again)...
(Their little game of one-downsmanship fades out as Kiki notices a hallway
leading eventually to the stage, and follows it.)
Kiki: ...Jiji! ...Jiji!
(Suddenly, there's a voice behind her...)
Voice: Is this cat yours?
Kiki (stands still in shock): Jiji? Is that you? (She turns around, to
face a tall man with a boyish smile, wearing a suit and tie and a caveman wig)
Caveman Lawyer: I don't know... is it? (His smile broadens)
Kiki (leaping toward cat and man): Jiji! Oh, thank you, mister, I've been
looking all over for him.
Caveman Laywer: It's all right. I'm glad to help.
(Kiki blinks, and looks up at the man)
Kiki: ...Did you know, you sound an awful like Jiji...
Jiji: Meow.
Kiki (looks down at the cat): Jiji?
Jiji: Meow...
(Kiki looks up, but the man is gone)
(Suddenly, there is a cry from the greenroom)
SHI SHI HOBOKEN! (BOOM)
(Kiki runs back to the greenroom, through the smoke that slowly dissipates to
reveal the singed forms of Ryoga and Matt Foley)
Ryoga: *koff-koff* Wow, that wasn't bad for a first time.
Matt Foley: *hack* It's easy, considering where I "live" (quotemark gesture)
Ryoga: Let me guess... Hoboken. I've heard it before.
Matt Foley: No, Paterson.
(Ryoga facefaults)
Matt Foley: What? You think "Shi Shi Paterson" (quotemarks) would make more
"sense"? (again)
(Kiki steps through the newly-made hole in the greenroom and passes by Dana
Carvey's dressing room; Carvey emerges and heads for the stage. Neither he
nor Kiki notice each other on their seperate ways)
=====
(Onstage: the Church Lady set. Organ music pipes in.)
Announcer: And now...The Church Lady.
(We see, seated behind a desk, Dana Carvey in drag, wearing a grey-old-lady
wig and glasses.)
Church Lady: Welcome, everyone. We have a special guest for you today, so I'd
just like to get right down to business. Now, our guest today is my least
favorite person in the whole world. The enemy of all mankind, the master of
evil, the Beast himself...(Zoom in on Church Lady) SATAN!
(A voice booms from offstage)
Voice: Now hold on just a minute!
(A hulking, muscular man strides in from off-camera. He sports a huge afro
and a drooping mustache, and wears wrestling trunks and boots, a championship
belt, and a cape.)
Church Lady: Well, speak of the devil...
(Mister Satan stalks over to the desk, shaking a mighty fist angrily.
Unfortunately, he trips over a stray extension cord, and crashes face-first
to the floor. Pretending his spill has not damaged his dignity, he pulls
himself to his feet, and continues his angry stalk.)
Mister Satan: This is an outrage! How dare you give the world's greatest hero
and savior such a ludicrous introduction?
Church Lady: (raises an eyebrow) Great hero and savior? Well now, I think
someone has himself confused with someone else! Or are you just being
(closeup) BLASPHEMOUS?
Mister Satan: (trembling with anger) You dare...?
Church Lady: Calm down and have a seat, Satan.
(Mister Satan sits down)
Church Lady: Now...interesting thing, here, on the cards it says you want to
be introduced as "Mister Satan".
Mister Satan: That's my name.
Church Lady: Mmm, yes. And it also says something about pronouncing your name
a certain way, would you mind telling us what that's all about?
Mister Satan: Well, the correct pronunciation of my name is "Sah-Tahn".
Church Lady: Well i'n't that spec~ial? So, Mister "Sah-Tahn"...would you care
to tell us what your first name is, or do we have to guess? Could it be
(closeup) LUCIFER?
Mister Satan: (blinking)
Church Lady: So, Lucifer--can I call you Lucifer?
Mister Satan: Ummm...no?
Church Lady: Alright then, "Mister" Satan...why don't you tell the good
people at home what it's like to be the lord of hell, the prince of darkness,
the great temptor, the master of sin?
Mister Satan: (blinking) Look...lady...I don't know what's going on here, but
I think you have me confused for someone else. I'm a champion of millions,
the World's Strongest Man... (he flexes a mighty bicep)
Church Lady: (sweating visibly and fanning herself) I...see. And how many
women have you tempted to, ah, sin with this little display?
Mister Satan: (indignant) I'll have you know I'm a happily married man, thank
you!
Church Lady: (blinking and raising an eyebrow) Married? Well color me
surprised. I'd never have expected Be'elzebub of all people to take a wife...
I assume that's *one* wife? Or are we talking a dozen?
Mister Satan: What--?
Church Lady: (warming to the topic) Yes, tell us, Mister Satan, how many of
your scandalous, sleazy, sinful whores have you taken into your harem?
Mister Satan: (outraged) NOW HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE--!
(A purple-haired teenager suddenly rushes onto the stage, signs of stress
evident on his face. He leans over and whispers urgently to the Church Lady.
As he does so, she blinks rapidly, her eyes widen, and she begins to look
rather sheepish.)
Church Lady: Ah...heh...it seems we've had a bit of a...minor little foul-up
here, folks. I, ah, seem to have mistaken our guest today for someone else.
Mister Satan: (indignant) I should say so.
Church Lady: Yes, well, personally, I think you ought to change that name
there, Mister, it's a little misleading. Maybe something like, oh, I don't
know...Mister Savage?
Mister Satan: (blinking)
Church Lady: And that's all we have time for today, everyone. Join me next
time when my special guests will be two crossdressers and a girl who wants to
marry men who beat her.
(music and fade out)
=====
(The organ music segues into the Setokai theme as a scene opens on Ohtori
Academy. The elevator opens with a rattle onto the Student Council balcony.
President Touga Kiryu, Treasurer Juri Arisugawa, and Secretary Miki Kaoru are
present; the latter two are sitting around a small round table, while the
former stands with an arm draped over the shoulder of Anthy Himemiya.)
Juri: So, Mr. President, you've captured the Rose Bride from Tenjou Utena...
what are you planning to do next?
Touga: (Pause) You know, I have the strangest urge to go to Disneyworld...
but that will have to wait. I take it you all got your letters from End of
the World?
Juri: Yes, we did. Is this for real? Has another Duellist arrived?
Touga: Who knows? What is clear is that there *is* a new student here at
Ohtori. Whether this student poses a threat to the world revolution remains
to be seen. But if End of the World sees fit to mention it, we must assume
there is some significance to it.
Miki: (clicks his stopwatch) Another annoying new character... *sigh*...
Please, tell me it isn't a self-insertion.
Touga: I don't believe so.
Juri: First Tenjou, then your sister Nanami, and now this one. Where are
these Duellists coming from, if not the Student Council?
Miki: Yes... they keep emerging from nowhere, rather like Ranma Saotome's
fiancees.
(Touga and Juri turn and stare at Miki)
Juri: What?
Touga: You follow Ranma 1/2?
Miki: Well, it's always prudent to keep up with the major trends in the
industry... (Touga arches an eyebrow, while Juri palms her face) What?
Touga: No matter. As it is my duty as Student Council President to look
after the welfare of my fellow students (there is a slight guffaw from Juri,
which she desperately tries to stifle under Touga's glare), I plan to visit
this new student this afternoon. We will know whether we have yet another
threat in short order.
(Dissolve to later in the day; Touga is standing outside the East Dorm.
Several thoughts run through his mind:)
Miki's voice: The East Dorm? That's where Tenjou-kun lives, you know. Not
a good sign.
Juri's voice: And you've noticed that the new Duellists have been getting
more annoying with each addition? I'd worry if I were you, Mr. President.
Touga (to himself, or rather, to Juri's voice within himself): My sister is
NOT annoying. (He enters the dorm) Well, not much, anyway. (He checks a
slip of paper in his hand) Room 207, hm? That's right across from Tenjou,
all right...
Miki's voice: Told you so, Mr. President.
(Touga scowls, then composes himself before knocking on the door)
Voice: Who is it?
Touga: Touga Kiryuu, Student Council President. I just wanted to properly
welcome you to Ohtori Academy.
Voice: Oh. Well, come in, then.
(The scene shifts to within the room, camera aimed at the door. Touga opens
the door, and a look of shock covers his face as the music begins:)
Music: A lot of people say "What's that?"
It's Pat.
A lot of people say "Who's he? Or she?"
A ma'am or sir, accept him or her for whatever it might be
It's time for androgyny -
Here comes Pat!
(Pat [Julia Sweeney] is sitting on the lower bunk in the room, still wearing
the customary cowboyish shirt and khakis that is the trademark apparel for
these sketches. Touga is still groping for words)
Touga: Uh... uh... that is, I... welcome to Ohtori, uh...
Pat: My name's Pat.
Touga (trying out the English name): Pa-tto... kun? Chan?
Pat: No, that's a different writer.
Touga: Huh? (Pause) Well, I just wanted to see if you were settled in...
uh, you don't seem to have a uniform yet...? I can have one delivered to
you...
Pat: Oh, yes I have one.
Touga: Really? (He goes to the closet and opens it... there's nothing but
cowboy shirts and khakis) I don't see...
Pat: Oh, not in the closet. It's hanging on the chair (Pat points to...)
Touga: ...Utena's uniform?
Pat: Utena? Who's that?
Touga: She didn't give it to you?
Pat: No, it was hanging on my door when I arrived. I assumed it was
standard issue... although it doesn't quite fit me. Now I know why.
Touga: Oh? And why's that?
Pat: Well, she's obviously thinner than me. I'll have to let it out.
Touga: Oh, you sew, then?
Pat: Had to learn to, always having to alter hand-me-downs from Jean.
Touga: Jean...?
Pat: My older sibling.
Touga (rattled): Ah...
***
(Scene: Student Council balcony. The strains of the Setokai organ can be
heard once again)
Miki: You mean to say *you* challenged h.. h.. ?
Touga: Pat. Yes.
Juri: You realize you may have just completely endangered the Revolution.
All for the sake of finding out about this... new student.
Touga: I know, I *know*, but it was driving me mad. I suppose I should have
just tried to seduce... h.. h...
Miki: Pat...
Touga: Yes. Thank you. I mean, it's not like it makes any difference to me
about that... but Pat is so...
Juri: Intimidating?
Miki: Perplexing?
Touga: Ugly.
(The others nod)
Touga: I even gave Pat my own ring, and requisitioned another from Ends of
the World. If it doesn't arrive before the duel, we'll just walk in
together. (he shudders at the thought) ANYthing to avoid actually LOOKing at
him... her...
Miki: Pat.
Touga: Will you stop that, Miki-kun?!
***
(Scene: Nighttime at Ohtori Academy. The duel is over, and the new Victor of
the Duels, Pat, is walking back to her dorm, uniform severely tattered [but
nothing obvious showing]. Suddenly, a slight figure steps out from the
shadows...)
Anthy: Good evening, Pat-sama. I am the Rose Bride. From this day forth, I
belong to you.
Pat: You *belong* to me? (Anthy nods) No, I can't accept you as my Bride...
Anthy (blinks, looks innocently confused): Why not?
Pat: Well, I hardly know you...
***
(Scene: back at the East Dorm. Pat is convulsed with laughter)
Pat: Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, stop that! Get out!
(Chuchu scrambles out of a sleeve of Pat's tattered uniform. Pat sighs in
relief as the little critter escapes)
Pat: Oh, goodness! That was almost as bad as the duel! (Pat's expression
grows pensive) I wonder what that little thing is... monkey or mouse? And I
onder how I could find out...?
***
(Scene: the kitchen of the East Dorm. Anthy is sitting on a stool by the
counter. Atop the counter...)
Chuchu (gesticulating frantically): Chuchuchu-chu...chchuu! Chu-chu,
chuchuchuuuu!
Anthy (sighing): I really wish I knew what you were saying, Chuchu...
Chuchu (deflated): Chuuu...
==========
That's all for this week. Next week, we'll go back to the 70s with the
Olympia Diner, and I really need to work on some Weekend Update routines
(beyond the obvious "Akane, you ignorant slut -" WHAM! "Ranma no baka").
Special thanks are due to Dave Menard for the idea, and the Eternal Lost
Lurker for the magnificent execution of the Church Lady sketch with Mr. Satan
(I know I would have murdered the whole thing, as I know DBZ from nothing.)
Thanks and kisses to ya, Bobbi-kun!
The opening is dedicated to the late Phil Hartman. Yes, I know it's not a
funny bit, nor is this, but we must pay tribute to the single actual bridge
between Anime and SNL. We miss ya, Phil!
Comments and suggestions more than welcome. Routines may be incorporated,
too.
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^