<SNIP>a large and, to me, incomprehensible section.
I've noticed that your
fight scenes are pretty
interesting, it's like you want to go more with it
but really can't because
of lack of words to use.
##Ummm, it's hard to comment here because I'm not
quite
sure of what you're trying to say. However, "lack of
words to use"
would be a fault in writing. It's the use of words
that allows the reader to "see it in their head."
Keep it that way and make
people see it in their
head. Well, that's all I have to say about that.
##I'll take a fight scene from the story and
elaborate.
Comments@@
####################
"How dare you! Defend yourself, varlet!" And with that
Kuno struck out
in a basic over handed cut with his bokken, which
Ranma sidestepped
easily.
@@pretty static IMO. Not bad. However as I said in my
original C&C
I'm judging the entire story based on the BEST parts
of the story which are IMO pretty darn good. That is,
I want the author to write UP to his
best efforts throughout the story.
Some possible changes::
Kuno struck out
Kuno lashed out
Kuno sliced
Kuno stabbed
The Blue Thunder ripped the air with a tremendous
overhand cut.
Now to Ranma's defense.
Ranma sidestepped easily.
@@Hmmm, not very exciting.
Ranma pivoted to the right, the deadly blow missing by
milimeters.
@@NOT the only way to do this scene, but it shows what
I'm talking about.
Certainly the reader must imagine the scene in her/his
mind. And I'm a minimalist
writer myself. However fight scenes are tricky. You
need a balance between leaving
things to the readers imagination and using words to
create an emotional response in the
reader.
Kuno recovered and tried a diagonal swiped, [sic]
which Ranma flipped over,
spinning upside down to bounce away on one hand. The
crowd gaped in
surprise, including Nabiki. Ranma was doing better
than she thought he
would.
@@Kuno recovered and tried a diagonal swiped[sic],
which Ranma flipped over,
Now let's try another couple of modifications.
Kuno recovered . . .
This tells us _what_ he did, but now how. And
certainly nothing about
his physical or mental state. Was he surprised? Out of
breath? Afraid,
arrogant? Was it a smooth recovery? Or was he off
balance?
@@Kuno recovered quickly, holding his bokutou at low
guard.
OR
Kuno recovered clumsily, surprised at his foe's
quickness.
OR
Recovering instantly Kuno dipped his blade and slipped
around
Ranma with a flying-swallow counter strike.
This adds a little more colour plus the description
(of an actual counter)
helps the reader follow the action.
@@Now back to Ranma.
" . . .which Ranma flipped over,"
Ummm, again this is a bit static. Also, flipping over
a sword, even
a wooden one, is a good way to get killed. However,
leaving that aside,
and realizing that Ranma is very, very good . . .let's
see what can be done
with the description.
We want to get Ranma out of the way of the blade of
course. However,
is he moving fast, slow? Is he afraid, exhilarated?
Moving away from
or toward Kuno?
Let's look at the possibilities. Kuno has avoided
Ranma's blow and is
countering. (attack and defense as one) In this case
lets assume Kuno
is coming at Ranma with a low cut to Ranma's right
side. There are several
possible counters. However a classic is for the
unarmed defender to move
IN, towards the swordsman as quickly as possible.
So, Kuno cuts low to Ranma's right.
Ranma moves IN close, probably striking at Kuno's
right (sword) arm
with his left, and doing his own counter strike to
Kuno's chest, neck or head.
Example::
" . . .Ranma slid toward Kuno, pivoting left, away
from Kuno's strike.
As he moved he slammed the sword-arm with a quick
hammer blow to further move
the blade out of line. Panting with exertion he
disengaged before . . .
@@Now obviously these are not the only ways to do this
or any other fight scene.
My point is that fight scenes are scenes of action,
requiring a great deal of
description AND emotion. Show not only WHAT the
characters are doing but WHY
and what they feel as they are doing it.
Kuno hit Ranma seven times before Ranma jumped out of
the way.
OR
Kuno hammered Ranma, splitting the pig-tailed martial
artists scalp to the bone.
Reeling with shock Ranma staggered back, blinded by
his own blood.
##################
They are the same fight, just a little more detail in
the second description.
Hope this is a clearer explanation.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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