- Hi,
Comments on Comments@@
From:
"Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> |
Block
address
To:
<ffml@fanfic.com>, "Allyn Yonge"
<ayonge@yahoo.com>
Subject:
[FFML] Re: C&C [Ranma][ALT] Birthright 2
Date:
Wed, 28 Jun 2000 02:18:38 -0600
Add
Addresses
My comments##
Everything is IN MY OPINION ONLY!
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
(This is the first time I've seen this story so
I haven't read chapter one)
<SNIP>
##Disclaimer???
I'm not really into disclaimers most of the time
(though I was shocked
to
find out that the writer for Sailor Moon actually
mentioned something
about
fanfics in a letter collum.)
@@It's IMO a matter of respect for the original
author and an acknowledgment of their hard
work and genius.
--------
<SNIP>
<SNIP>
##Nice. ("your father", not "you're father") and
this ends
my attempts to correct spelling and grammar.
Thanks for the spelling/grammar catch.
@@Treasure it. It's probably the only one
you'll ever get from me. ^_*
(It's usually the other way around)
<SNIP>
Nabiki drummed her pencil against the piece of
paper, columns neat
and
organized. This could be fun. And a whole work week
to prepare! The
betting has already turned fierce, as many of Kuno's
lackeys were
showing their support. And just as many people who
had had enough of
Kuno were betting on the new guy who could beat
Akane. The same Akane
that never lost!
## "The same Akane that never lost!" is a little
awkward sounding to
me.
Change or delete.
I don't know. It's pretty straight forward.
@@That's up to you. To MY ear it sounds (or rather
reads)
in a VERY awkward manner. Of course this is an
individual
thing. I've had people make similar comments about
passages
in my own stories that were personal favorites. (for
instance
a pre-reader wanted me to delete or at least cut a
VERY long
expositional passage {yes, I do them myself at times
^_^}
that I ended up leaving almost entirely intact.
I'm taking this moment to reiterate that ALL comments
are IMO. I'm telling you what I think, based on what
I like to
read and how I write.
I also ONLY C&C stories I LIKE. If I don't like a
story
then any C&C would be biased by that dislike. My
comments
and criticism are intended to address what I see as
deficiencies
in the internal logic of the story, characterizations,
dialogue, etc.
If you find it useful, good. If not, you're the
author. ^_~
BTW, you may have noticed that I've given very few
"examples".
That's because I really don't find any problems with
your writing as
such. My _major_ complaint is the unevenness of the
writing. The
good sections are VERY good. Excellent. However the
_entire_ story
is not up to the standards of the very best sections.
What I would like to
see is the same attention to detail applied
throughout. Now, back to
comments on comments. @@
<SNIP>
##I'm a little surprised that Nabiki could pick up
on this
and Ranma/Akane could not. Fighters are usually a
pretty
good judge of other fighters.
Akane's going by *her* fights with Kuno. He's shown
himself to be so
far
below her, he wasn't interesting, so why watch his
other fights. (Which
is
true of Soun's other students too, BTW.)
@@Ummmm, that sounds more than a little contrived to
me.
Looking at the historical record and from some
personal knowledge
martial artists _always_ look carefully at other
fighters. The most
successful of the old Japanese and Chinese masters
(the ones who
survived) were successful because they watched other
fighters, no
matter how poor. However it IS true that some very
good fighters
did NOT pay attention, and paid the price. It's not
the concept so
much as the presentation. My recommendation is some
slight tweaking
to make it more obvious/believable _why_ Akane and
Ranma
(the experienced fighters/martial artists) do NOT pick
up on this
and Nabiki does.
While I'm on the subject (in case I forget later) your
Kuno
fights seem to follow a set pattern. They are too
choreographed,
especially after you've gone to all the trouble to
foreshadow
how well he's concealed his true ability.
<SNIP>
##Hmmm, interesting plot point. On one hand school
is very important
in Japan. OTOH, women, even now, are expected to
make a good marriage
and produce children to support them in old age.
The dichtomey of the modern Japanese woman.
@@It might be worthwhile to play this up a little
more.
I like what you're doing with Nabiki. In fact you've
done
very well with all your female characters. I would
like
to see MORE of Nabiki and her problems. What you have
done is good, I'd like to see more.
<snip-age>
No, he had his own practice to do. And when it came
time for his
rematch
with her, he would win. He'd have to talk to Pop and
see what ideas
he
had. Maybe some of the better moves Ranma had
developed against his
father would work even better against Akane.
##overuse of "better". This scene is a bit static,
considering
the emotions you've introduced.
Hmm. It's a character peice there, not meant to have a
lot of action.
Thanks
for the tip on the 'betters'.
@@Hmmm, when I use the term "static" it doesn't mean
only physical action. It refers also to emotional
development.
This is just one example of what I see is less
development of
Ranma's character. You're doing a superlative job,
IMO,
with Akane, Nabiki, etc. You have painted a very nice
word
picture of them, their needs, wants, feelings, etc.
Ranma seems
very static and cardboard in comparison.
<snip>
##So far I like this a lot. Ranma descriptions are a
little bland.
If you can go back and flesh him out a little. Akane
is getting
some good stuff. Do some more with Ranma so he's a
better
counterpoint to her.
This is too show how Ranma is *reacting* to the
situation. He's not
being as
inventive and proactive as Akane here.
@@I'm not arguing that. I'm merely saying that, IMO,
Ranma's character isn't as fleshed out as the others.
Even if
Ranma is *reacting* I'd still like a better
characterization.
He is just not as "alive" in comparison. The fact that
he is
*reacting* should not make that sort of difference.
{frankly, I LIKE what you've done with Akane, I'd
really
like to see what you do with Ranma. And Kuno, and . .
.^_^)
-
<SNIP>
##Ummm, a bit disappointing. Pretty much a replay of
the
original.
Um, Kuno and the others pretty much have no difference
to their canon
counterparts. They *should* act pretty much according
to the original.
@@ :( I suppose. IMO you CAN make changes
to keep it fresh and original while producing the same
"effect". However, if you feel you have to keep it
that close
to the original, please try to keep it to a minimum.
It is not
nearly as interesting as your original writing and it
acts
as a large speed-bump for the reader. I've seen this
scene MANY times before. I really don't want to see it
again.
All of the other boy nodded their agreement.
Kuno suddenly stood forward, blasting them with a
withering glare and
his shout. "How dare you put Ranma Saotome in the
same lofty position
that I hold, ill bred cretin! She is destined to
become my date!"
"Um, actually, I didn't say anything like that,
upperclassman. We
just
don't want to get in yous guy's way. You're way
better than us.
You're
the top fighter of the guys."
"Hey!" Ranma exclaimed.
"And the biggest pervert!"
"What? Who said that?" Kuno spun around to glare at
the morning
crowd.
"I am not going on a date with a clueless jerk like
you!"
##Still pretty bland. Nothing new.
It was specifically designed not to be too unique, to
show that quite a
bit has the potential to pop up from the original. I
was trying to showcase
this without boring anyone to tears.
@@Ummm, why? I don't think anyone would be surprised
to see
anything pop-up from the original. This is fanfiction.
That sort of
thing is normal. And, unfortunately, I found it to be
VERY boring.
I wouldn't care except that I think this story has a
lot of potential.
Kuno took a dramatic pose the back of his hand
touching his forehead.
"Oh, that the heavens would weep so. That Akane
Tendo would be so
blinded by the evil villainy of Ranma Saotome! How
must I repair that
macabre wrongness that vexes my life?"
##Better.
Ranma just rolled his eyes. What an idiot. "See ya
Friday, chump."
"That's upperclassman to you, fiend!"
##A disappointingly bland section. Not nearly to
the standards
of your Akane sections or bits of internal dialogue
with Nabiki
or Nanami. This reads like a hundred other fanfics.
Needs to be
brought up to the standards of the best parts of
this story.
I'm not sure what I'm aiming for is what you're
wanting, though.
@@That could very well be the case. I don't know what
you're
trying to do. And what you are trying to do may be at
odds
with my comments. (I had that problem with chapter 7
of Sukeban Senshi. <eeeep> So I quite understand your
problem) I can only comment on what I'm reading,
however.
>From that standpoint these rather long, repetitive and
bland regurgitations of a hundred other fanfics can
only
hurt an otherwise excellent fanfic. I want to read
what
YOU have written. I do not want to re-read things
I've seen before. Especially when it appears to be
almost a cut-and-past job. If I wanted to see this
I can go back and read Takahashi Rumiko. (I can
look at the pictures too. *_*)
<SNIP>.
At the last bell, he was out the window and over to
the playing field
for Football, or as it was known in America, Soccer.
##Hmmmm, IMO you could have just called it the
Soccer field.
this, IMO, just slows the pace and doesn't really
add any
"flavor" to the story.
I'm trying to show that this isn't America, but a
foreign country that
does have its differences.
@@Well, we know that already. I understand the
attempt.
The problem is to balance "flavor" against
readability.
And, in this particular case, this reads as an obvious
attempt
to "show that this isn't America". IMO, try something
different.
He tapped his toes, his slight nervousness showing
through.
##nervous??? Well, you did say [ALT].
He's only slightly nervous. Ranma isn't impervious to
worry and fear.
@@True. This just seemed rather sudden. I'd like more
of a build up
to explain why he's nervous.
Students
started to drift out and sit on the slight incline.
Akane sat under
one
of the trees by herself, interested to see how Ranma
fought someone
other than her or his father.
Several students ran up late, carrying munchies and
drinks that they
had
purchased. "So who do you think is going to win?"
Daisuke asked one
of
the two girls sitting next to him.
##Bland.
I wrote this section as 'straight man comedy'. I'm
also using this to
show how four of the more 'common' students are
reacting.
@@Fair enough. And the concept is good. It just left
me unsatisfied.
Again, I'm comparing this to the BEST that you've
done. Bring this
up to the standard of your descriptions of Akane and
her "mantra"
for example and I'll leave you alone.
<SNIP>
"What?" Whatever Daisuke was going to say, was
interrupted as
Tatewaki
Kuno finally arrived, backed by the members of the
kendo club.
##Still rather bland. Has potential. Descriptions
and dialogue need
to be punched up. Stilted dialogue, bland
descriptions. predictable
and
boring. I wouldn't mention it except I know you can
do MUCH better.
Bring this up to the levels of your Akane, Nabiki,
Nanami. Now THOSE
are nice. The entire story should be at that high
level.
@@^_^ See, I keep saying the same thing. You're good.
I just want the
whole story to be written as well as some of your best
bits.
<SNIP>
Ranma
Saotome when I vanquish him on this field of battle.
Then she becomes
free to date me again, as she must secretly wish!"
Kuno proclaimed
loudly.
##OK, I admit it. LOL on this one. ^_^
Thanks. I got a bit of practice with this playing a
(quasi)Mimbrant
Knight in a LARP.
@@Hmmmm, I don't know if I could recommend Role
Playing
as a pre-requisite to writing fanfiction. The Live
Action part
seems to have the potential to . . .errrr . . .deplete
the ranks of
writers. ^)^
Akane's face started to turn an interesting shade of
purple. How dare
he? That male chauvinistic creep!
<SNIP>
.
"Wow! Just from the air pressure alone!" a student
exclaimed.
##repeat from the manga/anime.
Correct and on purpose.
@@But word-for-word??? Blow for blow?
(Checking my manga and anime it's pretty darn close.)
OK, I'll take your word that you have a purpose for
doing this.
And the rest of your writing and story-line is good
enough
for me to overlook this. From a lesser writer it would
be a story killer. (re-hashing the original is a
killer)
<snip>
Everyone's sight was riveted to the furiously
glowing black-haired
girl.
Such was the power of her aura that no one could
look away, until
Akane
turned on her heel and stalked off. The quiet hiss
of the rain was
broken as Akane punched an unoffending tree in two
pieces that just
happened to be near her as she walked home.
##Good start. But then you didn't do much with the
anger.
Final sentence was awkward.
I rewrote that four times. This was the least akward
one. This Akane
has a *much* better grip on her anger. Her lashing out
at that tree was
pretty extreme, by her standards.
@@Hmmm, OK. But DARN, I was looking forward
to some mayhem. ^_*
You might show a bit more of Akane's internal
conflicts
to show the effort she's making to control the anger.
This just seemed a little abrupt to me.
<SNIP>
"Hey! That's not true! You're probably the toughest
fighter that I've
run into that isn't my old man or some master
somewhere."
##Nice. A little awkwardly phrased. Loses some of
the emotional
punch. Why not::
"You're probably one of the toughest fighters
I've run into that isn't my old man or a master."
OR
leave off "or a master"
"Hmphf. So you say."
Hmm. Don't know for sure. Ranma babbling on in a run
on sentence seems
sometimes right, for some strange reason.
@@OK. Again, just IMO.
<SNIP>
"Then don't be a weenie. Just tell them the truth
and the problems
solved."
"Ah, man. They're all gonna think I'm weird."
"You are weird Ranma."
"You can be soooo uncute!"
"Shut up, dumb ass."
"Ha, make me, you tomboy!"
"Grr!"
##:(
NOT up to standard.
IMO best to stop with
"You can be soooo uncute!"
(The "You are weird, Ranma" is a
topper.) ^)^
It goes downhill after that.
I like the way that play out, actually. It seems to
Ranma and Akane.
@@Again, IMO I thought it was a little too
predictable.
the "You are weird" was VERY funny.
And the "You are sooo uncute." was a rather lame
comeback
that was funny BECAUSE it was so ineffectual.
IMO, everything after was anti-climactic. However
this is IMO and other readers may disagree. ^_^
<SNIP>
Unfortunately due to Real Life I don't have
time to finish commenting on the comments.
Hopefully I can finish later.
Overall::A very good story.
However there are several spots that are
almost word-for-word repeats of the original.
The original dialogue and concepts are exceptionally
well done. Unfortunately there are episodes where
it appears you are trying to force original bits of
story
line from manga/anime to fit into your new universe.
Also there are
spots
of
dialogue that seem very rushed.
Like I mentioned earlier, that word-for-word repeat is
for the most
part,
intentional. And it's part of the way I was trying to
write, so don't
expect
it to go away.
@@OK. :(
As for the rushed part, well, about half of this was
written in about
six
hours, and then polished in two days.
@@I'm impressed.
The good is VERY good. The bad is bad only
in comparison. You've got a good story. If you bring
the slower parts up to the standards of the best you
will have a _great_ story.
You seem to do best with Akane, Nabiki, etc.
Ranma and Kuno and their various interactions with
each other and
other
characters are done least well.
Very, very good work. Please keep writing.
Hmm, I'm not sure, as Ranma is having to deal with the
changes that are
quite striking from the original. I'm not sure why
you're seeing him
being done 'least well'.
@@Compared to the detail you put into showing Akane
and Nabiki
Ranma seems rather cardboard. Again, this is IMO. But
I think
the story would benefit if you could detail Ranma to
the extent
you have other characters.
Thanks for the comments.
@@Hope I helped.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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