I also ONLY C&C stories I LIKE. If I don't like a
story
then any C&C would be biased by that dislike. My
comments
and criticism are intended to address what I see as
deficiencies
in the internal logic of the story, characterizations,
dialogue, etc.
If you find it useful, good. If not, you're the
author. ^_~
Thanks! It's nice to see such a marked difference in attitude towards this
fic, actually. I had the hot foot for almost a week when I posted the first
chapter. :(
BTW, you may have noticed that I've given very few
"examples".
That's because I really don't find any problems with
your writing as
such. My _major_ complaint is the unevenness of the
writing. The
good sections are VERY good. Excellent. However the
_entire_ story
is not up to the standards of the very best sections.
What I would like to
see is the same attention to detail applied
throughout. Now, back to
comments on comments. @@
Hmm, like I said in another reply, I don't know if I want or should write
everyhing to that particular intensity. For one, I don't know if I can do it
effectively, and for another I'm not sure it would help and might actually
hurt the story.
If a section starts to drag on, to become to boring that may have to be
addressed. But even really great works typically have 'slower' and less
dynamic parts. Not everything is going to be imbued with intense amounts of
emotion.
<SNIP>
##I'm a little surprised that Nabiki could pick up
on this
and Ranma/Akane could not. Fighters are usually a
pretty
good judge of other fighters.
Akane's going by *her* fights with Kuno. He's shown
himself to be so
far
below her, he wasn't interesting, so why watch his
other fights. (Which
is
true of Soun's other students too, BTW.)
@@Ummmm, that sounds more than a little contrived to
me.
Looking at the historical record and from some
personal knowledge
martial artists _always_ look carefully at other
fighters. The most
successful of the old Japanese and Chinese masters
(the ones who
survived) were successful because they watched other
fighters, no
matter how poor. However it IS true that some very
good fighters
did NOT pay attention, and paid the price. It's not
the concept so
much as the presentation. My recommendation is some
slight tweaking
to make it more obvious/believable _why_ Akane and
Ranma
(the experienced fighters/martial artists) do NOT pick
up on this
and Nabiki does.
Kuno let's Akane take him out with a single kick, regularly. During Ranma's
first confrontation, Kuno couldn't even handle a simple three story fall.
He's consistantly shown his skill level to be very apathetic in comparison
to Ranma and Akane so far.
On the other hand, I also pointed out that Nabiki basically sicced Kuno on
Akane (causing that entire situation) in the first chapter. Nabiki is
actually much more familiar with Kuno than Akane is. That's why this
judgement was made.
While I'm on the subject (in case I forget later) your
Kuno
fights seem to follow a set pattern. They are too
choreographed,
especially after you've gone to all the trouble to
foreshadow
how well he's concealed his true ability.
Hmm, choreographed as in the fight is very similar to how it was in the
original? Realistically, it should. It's pretty much how the same two
fighters dealing with the same sort of situation.
<SNIP>
##Hmmm, interesting plot point. On one hand school
is very important
in Japan. OTOH, women, even now, are expected to
make a good marriage
and produce children to support them in old age.
The dichtomey of the modern Japanese woman.
@@It might be worthwhile to play this up a little
more.
I like what you're doing with Nabiki. In fact you've
done
very well with all your female characters. I would
like
to see MORE of Nabiki and her problems. What you have
done is good, I'd like to see more.
More is planned. But Nabiki (and her problems) are a long term plot. IIRC,
she's pretty much around and used by Takahashi more than Ryoga (or at least
*very* close to the same amount). I intend to have her around for the long
haul.
<snip>
@@I'm not arguing that. I'm merely saying that, IMO,
Ranma's character isn't as fleshed out as the others.
Even if
Ranma is *reacting* I'd still like a better
characterization.
He is just not as "alive" in comparison. The fact that
he is
*reacting* should not make that sort of difference.
{frankly, I LIKE what you've done with Akane, I'd
really
like to see what you do with Ranma. And Kuno, and . .
.^_^)
-
<SNIP>
##Ummm, a bit disappointing. Pretty much a replay of
the
original.
Um, Kuno and the others pretty much have no difference
to their canon
counterparts. They *should* act pretty much according
to the original.
@@ :( I suppose. IMO you CAN make changes
to keep it fresh and original while producing the same
"effect". However, if you feel you have to keep it
that close
to the original, please try to keep it to a minimum.
It is not
nearly as interesting as your original writing and it
acts
as a large speed-bump for the reader. I've seen this
scene MANY times before. I really don't want to see it
again.
<SNIP>
YOU have written. I do not want to re-read things
I've seen before. Especially when it appears to be
almost a cut-and-past job. If I wanted to see this
I can go back and read Takahashi Rumiko. (I can
look at the pictures too. *_*)
But these are there for someone who *hasn't* read quite as many fanfictions,
while trying to evoke some of the imagery from the original. That's why they
are even there.
<SNIP>
Unfortunately due to Real Life I don't have
time to finish commenting on the comments.
Hopefully I can finish later.
Please do. You've actually helped but some of my thoughts and ideas into
contrast. It's helped me see why I've actually done some of these things.
As for the rushed part, well, about half of this was
written in about
six
hours, and then polished in two days.
@@I'm impressed.
Had a lot of time and some focus one Sunday. I was rather impressed myself.
Wish I could get so focussed more often.
Thanks!