My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
From:
"Exinjeru Kihin"
<exinjerukarachi@hotmail.com> | Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [FFML][fanfic][ranma.cross.orig] Tales
of
Angelic destiny 2
Date:
Tue, 27 Jun 2000 16:35:35 GMT
Well everyone sorry I didn't post anymore of my fic,
lack of response
from
the FFML kinda discouraged me but I figured HEY! why
not do like
everyone
else and post even though no one answers you :P so
with out further
rambling:
##Sometimes it takes a while. ^_^
Keep trying.
<SNIP>
WARNING: This fic contains scenes of ridiculous
violence and comedy
Info: [thinking], [*thinking commands*], >actions or
narration's,
##Pet peeve. If you have to explain or give a symbol
key
it's too complicated. IMO.
Angelic
Destiny's main character Exinjerukarachi Kihin's name
is pronounced
Enjeroocarachi, or if yea wanna really get simple just
say Andrew :)
Exinjeru's sword is a Wakazashi, a shortsword, but it
does not have a
sharp
blade, it is smooth like a bokken, but it is still
metal.
And now, Flying Beetly Bugs productions presents...
TALES OF ANGELIC DESTINY
By
Angelic Destiny
With assistance from
The Guardian and Mr. Socko
##A little lengthy for an introduction.
Chapter 2: New Friends, New Insanities
SCENE: Tendo Dojo, everyone is standing outside the
living room with
his or
her ear to the door.
Ranma: How long they been in there?
Soun: I believe they started sometime around 9.
Ranma: [Man it's almost 12! I hope everything is going
ok.]
Suddenly the door opens, everyone jumps back.
Exinjeru and Nabiki walk
out.
Nabiki: The rental contract has been finalized.
With that she turns and walks away, everyone turns
and looks at
Exinjeru.
Exinjeru: What? Comon Ranma lets go spar.
Ranma: sure.
Exinjeru and Ranma leave, everyone disperses.
##I'm afraid that I don't like script formats. They
are
very dry and lifeless for the most part. This
particular
try doesn't do anything to change my mind. For
instance,
this doesn't really give the reader a feel for what is
happening.
Exinjeru and Ranma walk into the dojo, as soon as they
are out of sight
Exinjeru slumps back against the wall.
Exinjeru: DAMN, she's good...
Ranma: I was gonna warn ya about her.
SCENE: Elsewhere, Nabiki walks into her room, closes
and locks her
door. She
walks over to her desk and drops herself into the
chair.
Nabiki>sighs>: Well that was about as fun as a root
canal, he's good,
now to
find out more about this guy.
##Not bad. The script format hurts but even with that
handicap the dialogue is funny, IMO, and sets the
scene nicely.
Nabiki grabs her little black book, opens it to a
certain page, and
picks
up the phone...
##Too static.
SCENE: Inside the Dojo, Ranma and Exinjeru are getting
ready to spar,
Akane
and Genma are watching. Exinjeru takes off his coat,
he has a bandoleer
holding all his stuff, it goes around his waist like a
normal belt with
a
satchel on the back of his left hip. However it has
another strap
holding
his throwing knives going from his right hip up to his
left shoulder,
then
going around, holding his sword to his back with a
small metal strip
and
connecting back at his right hip. There is an empty
gun holster
connected
between his left shoulder and hip, there doesn't seem
to be any kind of
fastener anywhere on the entire thing. Exinjeru simply
grabs it and
pulls,
it comes right off with a click, and tosses it with
his coat. Then he
takes
off his T-shirt revealing the muscular chest of a
martial artist<heh
fan
service>. Exinjeru turns to Ranma...
##<sigh> I spend a lot of time saying this. IMO (and
it is
ONLY MY OPINION) large chunks of static exposition are
BAD. They slow the action. They act like speed-bumps,
throwing
the reader out of the story. Especially when the
information isn't very
interesting. SHOW don't tell. SPREAD the information
in small bits and
pieces through out the story.
Example::
Ranma and Exinjeru faced the god-corner and bowed,
faced Tendou-san bowed and finally faced each other,
bowing an
almost invisible bow. With a negligent, almost
ritualistic gesture of
contempt Exinjeru stripped off her weapon's harness
and threw
it into the corner, leaving him bare from the waist
up.
"Oh my!" Nabiki fanned herself, feeling suddenly
heated.
^_^ There are MANY ways to write this scene. The point
is to SHOW.
For instance, this shows (w/o much detail right now)
that
Exinjeru's harness comes off easily and he has a nice
bod. ^_*
You can add as much or as little detail as you wish.
Much depends on
WHAT is needed to drive the scene RIGHT NOW and what
you need
to tell the reader for future use. You also use such
things to help build
Exinjeru's character. In this case I use it to show
him as being very
confident and perhaps a little narcissistic. At the
"fight" progresses
I could add more details.
Exinjeru: All set?
Ranma: Yup, you ready to lose?
Exinjeru>laughs>: Ha same old Ranma lets go.
##Punctuation. :(
(OK, I can hear you laughing Kleppe-san.) *_^
He finds it humorous that I correct someone's
punctuation.
(My wife is now laughing. <sigh>)
The dialogue is stilted and more than a little
predictable.
Exinjeru and Ranma bow to each other and begin
circling, looking for
an
opening.
Ranma: So, last night...that was a demon?
Exinjeru rushes in and delivers 6 or 7 lightning fast
kicks followed
by him
dropping to his side on the floor and kicking
straight up. Ranma
blocks or
dodges all of them then tries to catch Exinjeru on
the ground but he
rolls
out of the way easily.
##Ummm, work on the fight scene. This is a little
static.
>From sad personal experience I can tell you that fight
scenes
or action scenes of any kind are VERY hard. Here's how
I do it.
1)I visualize the scene. Who is doing what. It helps
if you have a VCR
and some martial arts movies. (Jackie Chan is good)
Find a scene that
is close to what you want. Watch the scene, several
times, in slow motion helps.
Take notes.
2)Now that you've visualized the scene, make diagrams.
I do great stick
figures. (my wife is laughing again. She thinks my
stick men are cute)
I use 3X5 cards to keep track of who is doing what.
Where they are, relative
to each other in space. For example, in a doujou scene
I'd sketch the doujou.
Then place my two (or more fighters) Colored pencils
or crayons help to keep track.
Then I draw the hits, kick, throws, etc.
3)NOW the hard part. You have to describe IN WORDS
what you can
see in your mind, or on the TV screen or in your
sketch.
Example:
Ranma hits Ryouga seven times.
Hmmm, that's a little dull.
Ranma hits Rouga in the head, chest and belly.
Better.
Lets look for a better word than hit.
Time for the thesaurus:: blow, clobber, crash,
hammer,club . . .
Ohhhh, now we're getting someplace.
Ranma hammered Ryouga in the head.
Ouch, now that hurts.
But what happens to Ryouga after he get's hammered?
Ranma hammered Ryouga in the head, smashing his lips
and
nose.
Exinjeru: Yea, they kinda have a thing for me, see I'm
like destined to
be
annoyed by them.
Exinjeru grins, inviting a punch from Ranma, he
easily dodges and
tries to
land a sweepkick which Ranma jumps over.
Ranma: Yea you said something about it being your job?
Exinjeru: Yea, evidently my family has been doing it
for a long time,
it's
why grandfather trained me so much. When I turned 18
last year he gave
me
that sword, filled me in, gave me the keys to his
motorcycle, and told
me my
destiny would take me where I need to go.
##More exposition. Stilted dialogue. :(
Ranma: That's not your grandfather's motorcycle you
have now is it?
It's not
the one he had last time I was at the dojo.
Exinjeru charges Ranma, jumping and doing a
somersault kick to back of
his
head and knocking him down.
##better.
Genma: Watch it boy! You left yourself open that
tim-GAK
##cute.
Genma is quieted by the following equation = Ranma's
foot + Genma's
face =
X.
Find the value of X and you get extra credit :)
##Perhaps too cute.
<SNIP>
Overall: It's hard to tell. I don't like
the script type format. I think it
handicaps a writer UNLESS you are
actually writing a script. In which case
you still need to add stage directions,
etc.
You've got one of the prime requirements
to be a writer, stamina. 33 pages
and about 7,000 words. You also have
some nice dialogue in spots. However this
reads, IMO, more like a story out-line than
a finished story. It's got possibilities but needs
some
polishing.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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