In a message dated 6/24/00 2:14:23 PM, ayonge@yahoo.com writes:
Though I have no name, my "birth" was one of those one
in a million
cosmic
accidents, or perhaps someone was simply bored.
##Not bad. A little slow but workable.
For whatever reason, while Kyle Rayner, who at the
time was the sole
wielder
of the Power Ring of the Guardians, was in space, he
encountered a tiny
spinning bit of matter that was spinning so fast that
it was little
more then
a whirling, invisible object.
##Getting a little chatty for my taste at this point.
Now Kyle, who was concentrating on his flight, failed
to notice as the
bit of
matter sliced off a tiny bit of his ring, gauntlet,
and the glowing
green
shard of metal tucked within. The gauntlet, being an
energy construct,
reformed itself and the missing piece dissipated. The
pieces of ring
and
shard however, began a lazy curve back towards earth
at speeds past
that of
light.
##OK, My "willing suspension of disbelief" has taken a
fatal hit at this point. You've tried to explain too
much.
That bit of ring would eventually become me, and the
piece of metal the
lantern which enables me to do what I do.
## "that voodoo you do so well". <G>
This is the story of my life, my death, and everything
that happened in
between. . .
##Nice.
I know it's wordy, but it's part of the epilouge.
##I freely admit that my knowledge of recent DC comics
could be
chiseled on the head of a pin with a railroad spike. A
_dull_ RR spike.
With that in mind, most of the above introduction
seems overly contrived.
IMO it would be better to leave the origins
unexplained. A good mystery is
better than a bad reality.
Maybe, but well, see above.
*********************
Chapter 1
Akane Tendo was having a bad day. One of those where
nothing goes right
and
sooner or later you get the feeling that someone up
there has a box
marked
"things that can go wrong" and is just emptying its
contents one by one
into
the cauldron that is your life.
##Cute. get rid of cauldron. That's overkill.
Yeah, but it was either cauldron or stew pot and cauldron sounded better.
So, it was understandable that when Upperclassman
Kuno, the self-styled Blue Thunder" of Furikan High, attempted to ask her
out on
a date in his usual fashion, Akane, who's legendary short temper had been
shortened down to the bare edges by the day's events, responded by driving
her feet into several vital areas of his body before throwing him into the
dumpster just inside the mouth of a nearby alley.
##Too wordy. Show, don't tell.
spend some time showing Akane's day falling apart.
Show Kuno pushing her over the edge. It takes longer but
it's worth the effort.
I was actually going to list some hilariously bizzare things, but I couldn't
come up with anything that was both bizzare and funny. You know, something
Nerimaish.
As she stood there contemplating the sight of Kuno's
bare feet sticking out of the trash, her eye was caught by a faint green
light from further up the alley. Curious, Akane went to investigate.
##Hmmmm, stylistically I don't like this. The
transition is . . .unsatisfying. I'd prefer a better buildup to "The Event".
The
accidental acquisition of power has a long and proud tradition . . .from
Billy Batson
acquiring the power of Captain Marvel to Peter Parker's "radioactive
spider".
However this section feels very abrupt. And, with all the "magical"
artifacts floating around the Ranma-verse there are other ways to introduce
"the event" than a glow in an alley. At least show us Akane's day going to
hell. Show enough that the reader can feel and empathize with Akane when she
finally snaps.
<Snip Examples>
Agreed, but when I write Ranma, I try to create the feeling that Nerima is a
sort of left at Roswell sort of place, and for someone with an off center
sense of humor, it's not easy, so I try to hint at the bizzarity (not that I
always suceed), rather then spell it out completly. Besides, it's my belief
that anyone who needs everything spelled out in complete and painstaking
detail shouldn't be reading fanfiction in the first place.
Besides, if I had someone like Kuno in my life and Akane's Martial Arts
Skills, I'd beat the crap out of him on a daily basis just on general
principle. But that's me.
The source of the light proved to be a jade sculpture
in the shape of a
paper
lantern. "Wow," she said softly as she knelt to pick
it up by the
handle. As
her fingers made contact, the light died away. For a
moment, she was
startled
and then logic asserted itself. "Baka," she muttered
to herself. "It's
probably one of those one touch lamps or the batteries
died just when
you
touched it. Don't get excited." Standing up, she
turned to leave when
she
noticed a jade ring lying on the ground. Picking it
up, she noticed
that it
seemed to be carved from a single piece of jade and
was adorned with a
miniature of the lantern she held. "Wow," she said
quietly and then
slipped
it onto the middle finger of her right hand.
Instantly, the ring blazed
to
life and then died. Looking down, Akane saw she was
dressed in a
form-fitting
green and black costume with white gloves. Feeling
something on her
face, she
touched it. It felt like some kind of mask. "What the
hell is going
on?" She
said to no one in particular.
##Ummmm, again show, don't tell. I'd rather a little
more Ranma-esque type of event. And the soliloquy is
rather flat. IMO better to have her find the ring
first and put it on. A natural reaction for many
women. (according to my wife and other female
friends. ^_^)
Find ring, put on. Costume. ranma comes. pull OFF
ring.
Find lantern later. IMO. ^_*
"Akane!" came a voice from behind her. 'Oh no!' She
thought, fighting panic. 'Ranma!' Pulling hard, she jerked the ring off of
her
finger and sighed in relief as the costume and mask vanished, restoring her
clothes.
##Now that fits. A reaction that follows smoothly from
the internal logic of the story. Nice.
Thank you
"Hey Akane!" came Ranma's voice again, closer this
time. "Where are
ya?"
"Over here!" Akane called, slipping the ring into her
pocket. Maybe Doctor Tofu would understand what was going on.
##Ummm, I'm not sure about this one. IMO Akane would
be more likely to try and figure things out on her
own. At least at first.
Tofu, at least in the anime, has always struck me as the nuetral guru that
everyone goes to when they need a friendly ear or something weird is going on.
"There you are," Ranma said, vaulting over the fence
at the other end of the alley. "Wha'cha doing back here?"
"None of your bisnuess!" Akane retorted. "And why do
you care?
Shouldn't you
be off mooching off of Ukyou or Shampoo?"
"Maybe I'm curious!" Ranma shot back.
"Well be curious somewhere else!" Akane snapped and
turning on her
heel,
marched out of the alley.
"Girls," Ranma grumbled to the piles of trash. "Go
figure."
##Good Ranma reaction. I'm not certain the anger is
necessary at this point. It seems rather contrived.
All she has to say is "I'm not doing anything."
THEN if Ranma doesn't let it go she can move to
aggravated then to angry. OTOH if you build up
Akane's anger before hand this would certainly fit.
Again, there are several ways to do this. If you want
anger,
just _show_ more of the build up to make it
believable.
Yeah, but her nerves have been frayed, first by the bad day, then by the ring
thing. With her short temper, anyone could have vaulted over the fence and
she would have laid into them.
*********************
Much later that night, Akane sat cross-legged on her
bed looking at the
lantern on her desk. Surprisingly, no one had
commented on it unless
she
called it to their attention. It was almost as though
it hadn't wanted
to be
noticed. "Now I'm just being silly," she grumbled and
looked at the
jade ring
on her night stand and remembered what had happened
when she had put it
on.
"Or maybe not. . ."
##<G>
Heh heh.
Groaning, she fell back on then bed and pulled the
covers over her as
she
switched off the light. "I'll deal with it in the
morning."
##Ummmm . . .this just doesn't feel right.
I know that if _I_ found a ring, and putting it on
gave me a spiffy costume I'd experiment just a bit.
I realize that Akane may be a bit blase after all the
demons, gods, Battle Dougi's etc, but this seems a
bit much.
I'm trying for a more realistic Akane, while maintaining Takahashi's vision.
Besides, I think Akane's experience would have taught her that you don't play
with newfound magical artifacts without first getting a decent night's sleep.
It wasn't until she was fast asleep, that the ring
began to glow
softly,
pulsating to some alien rhythm.
##don't you just _hate_ it when your magical artifacts
do that?
Yeah.
*********************
Akane stood before the fire dressed in a white silk
gown under a white
robe.
The flames suddenly turned green, reared high and then
leapt out of the
fire
pit, forming a blazing circle around her before
stretching towards the
ceiling. Turning away from the pit, her body suffused
with a strange
sense of
detachment, Akane's eyes widened as the flames leapt
hungrily towards
her.
Then she was floating over a city square ringed with
skyscrapers made
of
glass and green steel. Below her, thirty-six
hundred-where did that
number
come from?- beings stood, surrounding a curious
structure shaped like a
lantern. Each of them had her? His? Its? Arm?
Tentacle? stretched
towards the
blazing green light emerging from the structure and
she could hear
their
voices.
"In darkest day, in blackest night," the voices
chanted. "No evil shall
escape my sight. Let those who worship Evil's might
beware my power,
Green
Lantern's Light!"
As the voices died away, she found herself wiping away
a tear. There
had been
such a sense of grand majesty, of honor and loyalty
about what she had
just
witnessed.
##Ummmm, not bad. Still a little wordy. IMO this scene
would be better if shorter. I'd cut "As the voiced
died away . . .just witnessed."
I think it's better to end with the oath. It really
does have a sense of majesty.
SAYING so is rather anti-climactic.
Point taken.
Then, from somewhere in the middle of the crowd, a
human, a young man,
his
brown hair shot with gray, suddenly erupted into green
flames, a fire
which
quickly consumed the entire square and Akane had to
turn her head away
to
protect her eyes from the blazing light. When she
could see again, the
city
was in ruins, corpses littered the ground, and a pile
of ash covered
the
square. Then from the ash, a blazing pillar of light
shot upwards,
carrying
with it a dark-haired young man, his clothing
evocative of armor rather
then
a uniform. Rising with him were other shapes,
half-formed blurs and
ghosts of
what might be.
##I'd shorten this. Make it a bit tighter.
Example::
"Blinding green flame suddenly erupted from the
middle of the crowd, quickly consuming the entire
square. When she could see again . . .the city was in
in ruins.
#####
"From the ashes, rises the new," said a voice behind
her. Akane spun
and
found herself looking at man. He was the same height
as Happosai,
blue-skinned, with white hair pulled back in a
ponytail and dressed in
a red
robe.
##I'm not sure I'd use Happosai as a frame of
reference.
Although that _might_ explain why the city exploded.
Actually, it's a Gaurdian, the last Gaurdian actually. Happy is the smallest
person Akane knows, so he's her frame of reference.
Though odds are a Gaurdian could mop the floor three times with Happy before
our favorite lecher realizes what's going on.
"What?" Akane asked and then realized that the city
was gone and they
were
simply floating in a strange cloud-like mist.
"Your place is prepared," the man said. "Do you want
it?"
"I don't understand!" Akane yelled. "Take what place?
Want what?"
"Violent girl never understand," said a new voice and
Akane spun again
to see
Shampoo and Ukyou flanking Kodachi. All three were
dressed in red armor
with
hair made out of living flames. Then she gasped. Lying
at their feet
was the
burnt, blackened bodies of her family, friends, and
anyone she had ever
cared
about. Behind them, hidden in the mists, she could
just make out the
shapes
of others like them, legions ready to do battle. And
behind those
legions,
strange, alien figures that radiated a weird and
terrible power.
##Pretty good. Again, IMO, a bit wordy. This is a
stylistic point, but I think it's better to show
rather than tell. And always better to keep
exposition short, sharp and to the point.
Example::
"She will never understand," said a cooly mocking
voice. Akane spun to see Kodachi dressed in flaming
armor, flanked by Shampoo and Ukyou
also clothed in living flame.
##IMO Kodachi makes a better sinister leader and
Shampoo-speak is too "cute" for the scene. OTOH you
could have Shampoo speak in "cooly arrogant" tones for
shock effect.
Actually, I thought having Shampoo speak would add to the surrealness of the
scene. Besides, delivered in the right tone and in the right asmotsphere, I
think Shampoo could be outright terrifying.
Then she realized that the pile at the feet of her
rivals did not have
Ranma
in it. But as that realization came to her, a soft
ugly chuckle drifted
past
her ears. Not wanting to look, but driven by a force
that said she had
to,
Akane looked behind her and saw Ranma, also dressed in
armor, his hair
a
living, burning effigy. There was no sign of kindness
or compassion on
his
face, just a sadistic smirk.
##Still too wordy.
Try::
Frantically her eyes darted over the mound of
corpses, looking for a single pig-tailed form. Almost
sick with relief when she couldn't find it.
"Looking for someone?"
The familiar voice was like a warm hand on a cold
dark night. Eyes filled with an emotion she'd never
been able to accept she spun around.
"Ranma!"
"Akane." Eyes like marbles looked back from the
familiar face. Soulless eyes that turned loved
features into a cruel parody.
##again, not the only way. or even the best way.
However I think that too much exposition puts the
reader at one remove from the action and emotion.
Show more, tell less.
Again, it's been my experience the some of the scariest villans are the ones
who say very little. Take Darth Maul for example. Or Vader.
"Ranma?" she asked fearfully. But there was no answer,
instead, he
stretched
his hand out towards her and a wall of pure flame
leapt at her. As the
flame
reached her, she saw Earth etched in the flames,
consumed by the fires
of
greed and need for control. Then the flames touched
her skin and she
screamed
as she was consumed.
##Better. Try playing with different wordings and see
how that changes the way the sentence impacts.
Example::
"The fire scorched her skin and she screamed as
the flames consumed her."
OR
"Her skin burst in the flames like a roasting pig."
How long she screamed she could never be sure, but
gradually, she
became
aware of someone shaking her and yelling her name.
##This is too mild. detracts from the dramatic impact.
try to give the reader the emotional impression of
being rescued from the flames. Akane is being burned
alive. You want to show that horror, the flames
blistering the skin, the hot air searing
her lungs. The terror of _burning_ alive. THEN, the
last minute rescue. Ranma bringing her out of the
flames. the contrast between one Ranma burning her
alive and another Ranma her salvation.
<SNIP>
"If someone was trying to tell me something," she said
to the dim
stillness
of her room, "I wish they had been a little quieter. .
."
##Cute. :)
Thanks.
From:
Kyhdin@aol.com | Block address
Date:
Sat, 24 Jun 2000 05:22:29 EDT
Subject:
[FFML] [Fanfic][R.5/GL] Emerald Angel <Chapter
2>
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
<SNIP>
*********************
The next day after school, Akane dragged her weary
body into Doctor
Tofu's
office. Over tea, she explained the events of the
previous day and then
demonstrated what the ring did, though she had to
admit that
transforming her
clothes wasn't much of a feat and said as much. Tofu
was silent for a
while
before speaking.
##Cute. Drop "and said as much." dilutes impact.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back and fix it once I have the whole thing written.
"That may be Akane," he said when he finally spoke.
But if I'm right,
then
there's more to it then just changing your clothes."
"Like what?"
"Just a moment," Tofu replied as he went to his
bookcase. "Now where
did I. .
..Ah ha!" Triumphantly, he pulled a large binder from
the rows of books
and
took them back to the desk. "This has been a hobby of
mine for some
time, he
said. "I was fascinated by him and a colleague of mine
has been kind
enough
to send these when he finds them,"
##Ummm, again it may just be stylistic. However I'm
uncomfortable with the plot device of "But if I'm
right" and then pulling out "the answer" because it's
"been a hobby of mine for some time."
It has been done, and _can_ be done successfully.
However, IMO, it feels rather like cheating. :(
I wasn't very comfortable with the mention of Tofu
earlier and am even less comfortable now. It's too
easy, too cut and dried. Too bland and unexciting.
And, once again, it's too much tell and not enough
show.
########
he said as he opened the binder.
"These
pictures date back to nineteen eighty-six," Inside
were various
newspaper
clippings and one of them made her gasp.
"That's him!" She cried, jabbing her finger at the
page.
"That's who?"
"The one in my dream! The one who burst into flames
and destroyed all
those
people in that city!" She paused, frowning. "Only,
he's younger in this
picture."
##Nice reaction.
"Hmmm. . ." Tofu said and turned to a page towards the
back of the
binder.
"These are more recent pictures, taken in Los Angeles
about six or
seven
years ago."
"Oh my God!" Akane gasped upon seeing the picture of a
young man flying
straight at the camera. "That's the one. The guy who
came out of those
ashes!" She frowned. "But he was wearing a different
costume.
"Very interesting," Tofu said and laid aside the
binder. "Akane, it
would
seem that you are a Green Lantern."
"A what?" Akane asked incredulously as Tofu reached
for the binder
again.
"A Green Lantern. It's a Corps of some kind." Turning
to a page near
the
front, he showed her one of the clippings. "This is an
interview from
nineteen eighty-nine. In it, the man you saw burst
into flames in your
dream,
mentioned that he was a sort of interstellar
policeman, and one of many
across the galaxy, and while he didn't actually say
it, he did hint
that
Corps members were chosen by a third party."
##Ummmm . . .this feels VERY rushed. And very much as
if you are glossing over the story line. The dramatic
tension is not there. Reads as very contrived.
########3
"So, I've been chosen?"
"Looks like it."
"But what if I don't want to be chosen? What if I
don't want to be a. .
.a
space cop?"
##Cute.
Tofu could only shrug.
##<G>
This entire section with Tofu reads like a filler to
bring NON-GL readers
up to speed. Information like this should be spread
through out the story
and included with the action. Dumping it on the reader
in one chunk
1) slows the action
2) isn't very interesting or exiting.
Akane is in the dark. Slowly reveal things to her AND
to the reader. you want to INCREASE dramatic tension.
Part of the interest would be in watching Akane come
to terms with things, learning, making mistakes, etc.
*********************
By the time Akane got home, it was after dark. She did
not eat dinner,
but
instead went straight to her room where she stayed up
until nearly two
in the
morning going through Tofu's scrapbook, page by page
with the
proverbial fine
tooth comb. When she was done, she sat back in her
chair with a sigh.
Neither
Green Lantern seemed very inclined to talk to
reporters, so almost all
the
articles were about what they had done.
Still, there seemed to be one person who might be able
to help. In New
York,
there was a man named Guy Gardner, who ran a bar and
was a former Green
Lantern. He might be able to help her, If she could
get to him. 'And
how am I
supposed to get to America?' She asked herself acidly.
'Borrow money
>from
Nabiki?'
Laughing to herself, she got up and prepared for bed.
If anyone could
get her
on a plane, it would be Nabiki. But Akane was pretty
sure that even
Nabiki
didn't have the thousands of yen it would take to buy
even the most
basic
plane ticket, and Akane knew she didn't have what it
would take to buy
her
elder sister's silence. "I don't suppose you know
where I can find a
teacher
do you?" Akane asked the ring and then mentally gave
herself a slap
across
the face. 'Kami, I'm talking to a ring, I need sleep.'
with that, she
set the
ring down on her nightstand, crawled into bed, and
went to sleep.
##better. I still don't like the entire "scrap book"
plot device.
*********************
He floated in a strange cloud.
"Where am I? What's going on?"
"You are needed," said a voice from in front of him.
"Who's there?" he demanded, his hand automatically
clenching into a
fist
before he remembered that there was no longer a ring
there.
##Good, Nicely dramatic.
"I'm. . .a friend. Kyle's ring has somehow been split.
You must go to
the
Nerima Ward of Tokyo, Japan, and wait to be contacted
by the ring's new
wielder."
"But how will I know her?" he asked, and then a split
second later
wondered
why he had said "her".
"She will know you," the voice replied and then he was
lying in his
bed,
staring at the ceiling, his breath coming in short
gasps.
"Is something wrong love?" came the sleep fogged voice
>from the woman
beside
him.
"N-no hon, everything's fine," he said quietly.
"Everythings fine." But
even
as he tried to find sleep, his mind was already
compiling a list of
things to
do before leaving for Japan.
##Nice scene.
*********************
Two days later. . .
Ukyo Kunjoni, mistress of Uuchan's, hummed to herself
as she worked the
grill. The resturant was almost full, and Konsatu was
a blur as he
moved from
table to table to the register, keeping glasses
filled, and she could
hear
the ching of the register as yen filled the till, a
sound which brought
a
smile to her face. Bisnuess had been good lately and
she was starting
to
consider hiring a second employee.
Had the resturant been anymore full, she might not
have noticed him,
but
somehow she doubted that as she watched the newcomer
enter. He was a
Gaijin,
and American, tall, powerfully built, dressed in a
western style suit
minus
the tie and graying hair. He moved easily, but with
the alertness of
someone
who had been in many fights. Then Konsatu handed her
another order, and
the
memory of the Gaijin was pushed to the back of her
mind and forgotten
as she
lost herself in the ritual of batter pouring, the
sound of the sizzle
of the
grill, and the smell of spices.
##Nice set-up/segue .
*********************
Akane listened with half an ear as her two friends
chatted endlessly
about
boys, clothes and the latest idol singers. Uuchans was
full and rivals
they
may have been, but even Akane would be hard pressed to
admit there was
a
better okonomiyaki cook in all of Tokyo.
Akane's thoughts, however, were not on okonomiyaki,
but on the
scrapbook.
Dates, cities, and names churned around and around in
her brain. So
distracted was she that she almost didn't see the
Gaijin enter. But
when she
got a look at his face, the world froze and one page
>from the scrapbook
leapt
to the forefront of her mind.
It was an article from 1987 and the Gaijin had been in
a small inset
photo.
Even without the mask, she recognized him and even as
she made the
decision,
she was already getting up and crossing the resturant
to where he sat,
her
fingers curling around the ring in her pocket.
##Good reaction.
"So you're the one," he said in accented Japanese when
she reached his
table.
"What's your name?"
"Akane," she said, sitting down across from him
without quite knowing
why.
"Akane Tendo."
"My name is Alan," he replied with a friendly smile as
he held out his
hand.
"Alan Scott."
##Overall, not bad. VERY slow in spots but has
possibilities. I don't like the Tofu scene and the
convenient "scrapbook" at all. It's too smooth,
too pat. Make things harder for Akane. And I really
can't believe that it's THAT easy to find news paper
articles on the GL's. What ever happened to
secret identities? This MAY be part of the original
DC universe. However it's STILL unbelievable.
It's not that easy to find information on Water
Department employees. I'd think that inter-galactic
cops would have better security. Otherwise why bother
wearing a mask? (Again I realize the DC universe
deals with some of these objections. I still don't
think
it works, then or now)
At the very least make Akane _work_ to find this
information.
Get rid of Tofu and send Akane to the library and
newspaper
morgue. (old copies of papers)
I think you've got the basis for a good story.
And some _very_ nice scenes, and many others
with a lot of potential.
IMO you need to increase the dramatic tension.
Don't make things so easy for Akane. Show, don't
tell. And don't be constrained too much by "what has
gone before" in Ranma or GL.
Tofu, again, with his interest in magic, would be fascinated by by the
stories of the GL and would collect everything about them.
Two: Nerima, at least in the Ranmaverse, seems to be the type of place where
the outside world doesn't really exist. Why should it? They have all the
entertainment and news they'll ever need. Growing up in this sort of place,
it seems, at least to me, that Akane would never have heard of the GL's, and
therefore, have no reason to go hunting in the library. Tofu on the other
hand, in order to keep his licsence, would have to keep one foot planted
outside Nerima in order to stay on top of things and therefore, would have
heard of the GL's and become interested enough to compile a scrapbook.
Agreeable Komodo
He who bought it, supplied it.
Just say yes to prophylactics.