Going on vacation for a week, so if I'm slow to answer anything, that's
probably why. In a way it's too bad since I've got a ton of fics I still
really need to look over. Oh well.
David Johnston wrote:
I used most of the grammar comments.
succeeded. This trespass will not be forgiven. In years past we have
clashed, conceited one, without a clear victor. Now we shall have one
"conceited one" breaks the flow of the sentence. Should be moved to
start or finish.
At the end now.
intended. But Raiden's arrogant boasts and slurs against her overrode
that impulse. How dare he call her conceited! Just because she was
three times
Excess verbiage. I'd suggest going with:
intended. But how dare he call her conceited!
Here I'm not sure. It seems a bit abrupt going from intended to how. Still
what's there is too wordy. I'll see if I can cut the middle sentence down
and/or merge it with the next.
fancied. But it wasn't Thor's fault that her godly form was so
irresistible to the self-proclaimed Goddess of Foxes.
That seems a bit contemptuous to an old girlfriend.
That's intentional. It's supposed to be.
While in fact the
"official" kami of foxes is male,
Oops. My lack of Japanese mythology is showing. If I hadn't been in such a
rush, I'd have probably at least taken the time out to see if what I was
writing was accurate. I'm probably going to use what William Morse
recommended and use Akumachi.
The next exchange the two deities of thunder shared was one of >blows
rather than words. Raiden connected with a fist to Thor's gut first,
MORTAL KOMBAT!
Yeah. That's pretty much the image there. :)
The rain seemed to increase in direct proportion to Raiden's darkening
mood. "I see that you are as strong as ever, despite your obvious
weight loss. I shall not underestimate you again."
Somebody get Raiden an appointment with an optometrist.
A case of heavy rain, darkness, anger clouding his judgement, seeing what
he expects to see, and when your eyes are shooting out electricty, you just
can't see all that well. :)
Incidentally,
why doesn't Thor use her hammer? It almost seems like her hammer isn't
there as she exchanges punches. Is it on her belt?
Thor employs her fists as well as hammer. She tries not to overrely on it.
Do I have to tell you to fix the spelling of Mjolnir? No, probably not.
Knew I forgot something.
"Now who is forced to coo?" Raiden rushed forward again to take on his
opponent in hand-to-hand combat once more.
Thor: Are you calling me a pigeon? A winged nuisance that leaves it's
disgusting droppings everywhere? That's it!
Heh.
"Mortals," Xellos sneered as he watched Hawkeye fumble her arrow around
Not a heck of a lot of Xellos in this character really.
He is supposed to me more Loki like, which is to tip the reader off that
this isn't the 'normal' Xellos. Still, as it has been pointed out to me
from a variety of people, it's too jarring. I am going to tone down most of
Xellos/Loki's reactions, expecially early on, and leave him more in
control.
"Ulik was busy, so he asked me to fill in for him." The troll beat his
fist
proudly against his chest. "My name is Ulos, The Pretty Damn Powerful.
I'm
Ulik's little brother."
I'm surprised it wasn't Goro.
Nah. Raiden's the only MKish creature I'm going to use. Besides, I might
use Ulos again since he is trapped on Earth now with Xellos having left
without him.
Almost casually Ulos drew his fist back, confident that the mortal
would be
too terrified at his fearsome presence to move. So slow was both he and
the
blow that Bucky was able to throw a punch of her own first, connected
If Ulos wasn't really trying, Bucky would be able to do a heck of a lot
more than that.
But she's testing his defenses right now. Holding back from committing too
much in case it's a trap he's suckering her into.
than the 'God of Light Dew,' all bore down on him and powered his arm
so
hat he would smite Thor with a blow that would end once and for all
their
rivalry.
FINISH HIM...uh...FINISH HER!
Close. :)
She shouted, "Saotom...err, Bucky Anything Goes School of Superheroic
Combat Final Attack: Haymaker From Hell!"
An attack that would be really easy to dodge except that you shout out
its name while doing it.
Now now. We all know that time's suspended while one shouts out something
snappy when they deliver their final blow. It's a superhero/villain bylaw
:)
Bucky flinched. There was something about the way the archer said that
that
itched the back of her mind. She looked the superheroes over more
closely.
"itch" is not a verb.
Whoops. Any idea on what other word to use?
Nabiki watched the three heroes depart and sighed. That had been a
complete
waste of time. She was beat, her clothing torn, and now she had to find
Isn't this about the time that Nabiki should get the idea of forming a
superhero team and licensing their images?
She's need a cool superhero name first, like 'Super Public Relations Woman'
or something. :)
The man sat back on the lounge chair, enjoying the rays of the sun
beating
down upon him. Truly that travel agent was correct when he claimed this
Rio
De Janeiro beach was magnificent. The man had been here nearly two
weeks,
Don't go "the man", "the man", like that. In fact, don't bother with
"the man" at all, unless you actually hold back Hercules name until the
end.
I do until the last paragraph. But I'll see what I can do about modifying
it slightly. It does sound awkward like that.
Thanks a lot for the help. It's greatly appreciated.
D.B. Sommer