In a message dated 6/24/00 8:42:55 PM, kleppe@mediaone.net writes:
The next day after school, Akane dragged her weary body into Doctor Tofu's
office. Over tea, she explained the events of the previous day and then
demonstrated what the ring did, though she had to admit that transforming
her clothes wasn't much of a feat and said as much. Tofu was silent for a
while before speaking.
I don't see how she can think it's not much of a feat. It's transforming
the molecular structure of matter, fer lack of god's sake. Maybe she
means it's not very useful?
Yeah. I'll have to fix it.
"That may be Akane," he said when he finally spoke. But if I'm right,
then
AKANE: No, Doctor, it can't be Akane. *I* am Akane.
(See how commas can completely change the meaning of a sentence? You
need one after 'be'. Also missing a quote mark before 'But.')
Noted.
"Just a moment," Tofu replied as he went to his bookcase. "Now where did
I. .
.Ah ha!" Triumphantly, he pulled a large binder from the rows of books
and
took them back to the desk. "This has been a hobby of mine for some time,
he
said. "I was fascinated by him and a colleague of mine has been kind enough
to send these when he finds them," he said as he opened the binder. "These
pictures date back to nineteen eighty-six," Inside were various newspaper
eighty-six." (The next sentence doesn't directly reference the line of
dialog, so it's a separate sentence.)
Actually, though I don't normally recommend the use of numerals, a year
is probably a case where they might work better. Your call.
"That's who?"
Weird character at the end of this line. Looks like a square box in my
mailer.
"Oh my God!" Akane gasped upon seeing the picture of a young man flying
straight at the camera. "That's the one. The guy who came out of those
ashes!" She frowned. "But he was wearing a different costume.
Need an end quote mark.
"A Green Lantern. It's a Corps of some kind." Turning to a page near the
front, he showed her one of the clippings. "This is an interview from
nineteen eighty-nine. In it, the man you saw burst into flames in your
dream,
mentioned that he was a sort of interstellar policeman, and one of many
across the galaxy, and while he didn't actually say it, he did hint that
Corps members were chosen by a third party."
This is a little peculiar. Didn't the interview mention anything about
what Green Lanterns could *do?* If I were an interviewer, I'd want to
see their powers as proof that they weren't just crackpots, and the
readers (and editor) would want this in the article, I would think.
Well it was one of those on the spot interveiws by a reporter sent to cover
the disaster of the week. I probably should have made that clearer. My bad.
By the time Akane got home, it was after dark. She did not eat dinner,
but
instead went straight to her room where she stayed up until nearly two
in the
morning going through Tofu's scrapbook, page by page with the proverbial
fine
tooth comb. When she was done, she sat back in her chair with a sigh.
Neither
Green Lantern seemed very inclined to talk to reporters, so almost all
the
articles were about what they had done.
So what does it say they did? And how had they done it? I'd think this
would be of interest to Akane.
Still, there seemed to be one person who might be able to help. In New
York,
there was a man named Guy Gardner, who ran a bar and was a former Green
Lantern. He might be able to help her, If she could get to him. 'And how
am I
supposed to get to America?' She asked herself acidly. 'Borrow money from
she (no caps)
Laughing to herself, she got up and prepared for bed. If anyone could
get her
on a plane, it would be Nabiki. But Akane was pretty sure that even Nabiki
didn't have the thousands of yen it would take to buy even the most basic
plane ticket, and Akane knew she didn't have what it would take to buy
her
elder sister's silence. "I don't suppose you know where I can find a teacher
do you?" Akane asked the ring and then mentally gave herself a slap across
RING: ** ZZAP **
AKANE: Ms. Hinako? What are you doing here?
the face. 'Kami, I'm talking to a ring, I need sleep.' with that, she
set the
ring. I need sleep.' With
"Is something wrong love?" came the sleep fogged voice from the woman
beside
wrong, love?"
him.
"N-no hon, everything's fine," he said quietly. "Everythings fine." But
even
"N-no, hon,
"Everything's
Ukyo Kunjoni, mistress of Uuchan's, hummed to herself as she worked the
Kuonji
Ucchan's
grill. The resturant was almost full, and Konsatu was a blur as he moved
>from
table to table to the register, keeping glasses filled, and she could
hear
the ching of the register as yen filled the till, a sound which brought
a
smile to her face. Bisnuess had been good lately and she was starting
to
Business
consider hiring a second employee.
Except that most employees are kinda funny about expecting to be
paid.... :)
She's prepared, and she knows this. Konatsu gets room and board for his
labor, but anyone else might just want wages, and with bisnuess being so
good, she could pay them.
Had the resturant been anymore full, she might not have noticed him, but
any more
somehow she doubted that as she watched the newcomer enter. He was a Gaijin,
Don't capitalize "gaijin."
and American, tall, powerfully built, dressed in a western style suit
minus
the tie and graying hair. He moved easily, but with the alertness of someone
who had been in many fights. Then Konsatu handed her another order, and
the
memory of the Gaijin was pushed to the back of her mind and forgotten
as she
lost herself in the ritual of batter pouring, the sound of the sizzle
of the
grill, and the smell of spices.
UKYO: Wow... he must be a self-insert character! Is it my turn to fall
in love with him, or Nabiki's?
Author: Akari's actually. He's a were-boar.
*********************
Akane listened with half an ear as her two friends chatted endlessly about
boys, clothes and the latest idol singers. Uuchans was full and rivals
they
Ucchan's
"Akane," she said, sitting down across from him without quite knowing
why.
"Akane Tendo."
"My name is Alan," he replied with a friendly smile as he held out his
hand.
"Alan Scott."
Frankly, I think you're cheating yourself out of a lot of good story
possibilities by bringing in Scotty so soon. I'd really like to see
Akane bumbling around with the ring for a while. As it is, there's a lot
of promise of things to come but very little actually happening yet. If
Akane vs. some galactic supervillains is the conflict of your story,
then we need to start seeing some concrete evidence of the villains'
existence and why it's important that Akane deal with their plot
(whatever that may be).
Chapter 3 will start getting into the meat of things right after Al gets a
quickie lesson in Nerima survival 101. =)
And there will be bumbling involved. Promise.
Agreeable Komodo
He who bought it, supplied it.
Just say yes to prophylactics.