Hi,
My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
Most of my knowledge of American Comic's
is restricted to the "Golden Age", and not much of
that. ^_^ Therefore my comments, as always, will be
concerned with plot, characterization and readability.
{I don't care if someone is OOC as long as it
makes sense in terms of the story. Nor do I care
if something is canon, as long as it's a good read.}
Date:
Sun, 25 Jun 2000 11:33:48 -0400
From:
Disruptor <mathews1@gte.net> | Block address
Reply-to:
mathews1@gte.net
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] slightly revised Chapter1 of Green
Lantern:
Akane
Green Lantern:Akane
Prologue
Ganthet looked onto the universe from where
his fellow Quintessence
members met. He saw the oncoming threat from the
stars. Opening his
hand, he looked at the ring that he had offered Hal
Jordan before Hal,
as Parallax, went to meet his death.
## "onto"? Or should it be "into"? Or something else?
Just reads a bit funny to me.
*A new Green Lantern is needed. That one will
have to do.*
##Actually I'd open with just this line. It's nicely
mysterious. If the other
information, Hal Jordon, Quintessence, Parallax, etc.
is needed it can go into
the story later.
The Guardian teleported himself to Nerima in
front of the one who he
had chosen. A shadow passing over him caused him to
look up for a
moment.
Looking back at the person he had decided on,
Ganthet said, "You
will have to get you anger under control. Here."
He gave the ring and a lantern to the
bewildered person, who asked,
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
##Stylistically I'd make a few changes::
The Guardian teleported himself to Nerima in
front of the one who he
had chosen.
"You will have to get you anger under control.
Here."
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Bewildered,
Akane looked
from the ring in her hand to . . .
Ganthet looked up as a shadow passed overhead.
##
1)I think it works better to go from teleport to "get
your anger under control"
It's a great line.
2)Once you've used that line the figure is no longer
unknown, so use Akane's name.
"the person he had decided on" is very clumsy.
"To help deal with what is coming. If you
have questions, find your
superior in what you call Beikoku or the United
States."
The blue midget returned to the plane of the
Quintessence and watched
as events unfolded.
##I got more instructions in my first job fresh out of
H.S.
And I was running a deep-fat fryer. ^_^
Putting the ring on, Akane Tendo was dressed
in a one piece, form
fitting, green and black spandex suit.
##Guardians of the Galaxy and the best they can do is
"Spandex"(TM)???
Ummm, and what did the GL's do _before_ Du Pont got
around to inventing
synthetics? (DuPont first introduced Spandex in 1958.
That fiber is now called lycra or lycra
spandex. Spandex is a synthetic fiber made of at least
85% polymer polyurethane.)
"Now what I have gotten myself into?"
##Good line.
##IMO a little wordy. And the bit with the ring is a
little anti-climactic.
Give the reader a little flash, some mystery, some
excitement.
Chapter 01
Looking at what she was now wearing, Akane
thought, *I'm glad I
knocked
Kuno away. This costume would be his dream come
true.*
##Ummm, this happened off-stage I assume. Not
necessary.
I thought the "shadow" was a foreshadowing of problems
to come.
If it was Kuno, you might change to "man-shaped
shadow". However
I think you're better off w/o it entirely.
Holding up the green lamp
##errrr, Lamp? What lamp? There was a ring, but no
lamp mentioned.
and staring at it, she tried to recall where
she had seen the costume before. A sudden thought
crossed her mind and
she glanced at the ring on her right hand. She
concentrated for a
second and a mirror made out of green energy appeared
in front of her.
She saw that the costume she was wearing had green
boots and white
gloves. The arms and legs of the skin-tight uniform
were black and the
rest of the body was covered in green. She flushed
with embarrassment
as she saw how much the costume accentuated her
features. In the
center
of her chest was a white circular patch with a hollow,
green circle
with
a horizontal, green line on the top and bottom of the
green circle.
She felt some relief, that she was wearing a dark,
green mask. Flexing
her arm a bit, she noted that, even though the clothes
were tight, they
wouldn't hinder her movements.
##Too wordy. SHOW, don't tell. A large chunk of
static description
that could be blended into the action through out the
story.
And this seems all too easy.
I'd like a little more wonder. Some excitement,
something. Akane
act's like she just picked this ring up at K-Mart. :(
"Great, just great. This is the first Green
Lantern's costume," Akane
muttered. "Who was that blue guy and why did he give
me a ring?"
##she recognized the costume but not the "blue guy"?
*I've been given a Green Lantern ring and I'm
asking why?* Akane
thought with some amusement. *I should be using it to
be a hero. And,
I should be practicing using it. I'm not going to
abuse it like I did
with the Battle Doughi.*
A brief flash of regret passed through Akane's
mind. *If I hadn't gone
power mad, I probably would have still had it and
wouldn't need Ranma
rescuing me from Saffron.*
##Well, I'm not sure "power mad" is correct. However,
leaving that
aside, (and w/o going into whether or not the doughi
was _that_ powerful)
this seems _very_ bland. Akane is treating a visit by
an alien and the gift
of a GL power ring as if an old neighbor dropped by to
return a sauce pan.
Think about this while you're writing.
Set up::
Typical teen-aged martial artist walking down the
street. Suddenly
a blue midget pops into existence. C'mon. How about
at least an
"eeeep". Smashing him over the head with a park bench
or something
(No mallets, please) would be nice as well.
OK, we're past the introduction.
Akane, meet little blue guy. Little blue guy, pick
teeth up
off side walk and shake hands (the un-broken one) with
Akane.
OTOH Akane's just as likely to invite little blue guy
home.
THAT would be a nice scene.
Kasumi:: Oh, how nice. You've brought home a little
blue friend.
Ganthet:: I am Ganthet, Guardian of----
Kasumi:: Lemon?
Ganthet:: Errrr, no thank you. I am a Guardian of the
Galaxy and-----
Kasumi:: How exciting. Cookie?
Ganthet::Well, just one.
^_^
at any rate, there are a LOT of things that can be
done with this scene.
IMO it's VERY bland as written.
Casting a quick glance at the mirror, Akane
willed it to dissolve.
She
took a deep breath and concentrated. She lifted off
the ground into
the
air. She bit the bottom of her lip to make sure it
wasn't a dream.
Feeling a bit nervous, she flew up higher and higher.
Soon, she was
above the clouds and looking down at Japan. A smile
crossed her face.
##Disjointed. Too many "she" in a row.
"This is great. I'm not telling Ranma about
this. I can help out
people, just like Dr. Light does. I hope she doesn't
mind some help.
I
guess I'll have to get used to wearing this outfit.
Embarrassing as it
is, it goes with the job."
##???She's not joining the Four H club for goodness
sake.
I'm C&Cing from MY POV. And what tiny bit I know about
other
people. But if _I_ got a power ring from a little blue
guy, once I
stopped jumping around, screaming like a maniac, I'd
try the thing out.
And probably blow a hole in a wall or something. And
then try to figure out
how to fix it before anyone noticed.
As written this scene is about as exciting and
interesting as a bottle of
Milk-of-Magnesia(TM). Some cute lines, but overall
Akane's reactions
just seem too cut and dried for such a momentous
occasion.
Thinking about Ranma, Akane thought, *If I
hadn't had that cold, I
would have been with him and his dad when they went on
that training
trip. They should be back in a couple of days.*
##Nice. Good internal dialogue. Normal reaction.
Holding the lantern in both hands, Akane
wondered about its
significance. "There has to be a reason for this and
the name. Those
Americans didn't call themselves 'Green Lantern' for
nothing. Come on,
Akane. You should be able to figure this out."
Making a fist with her right hand, she brought
the ring in contact
with
the open portion of the power battery. A sudden surge
of energy
confirmed her first guess.
"This is the source of the ring's power,
meaning the ring will run out
of power sooner or later. I'd better store this in my
room and
disguise
it."
##Moving too fast. Half the fun is having her figure
things out.
Dramatic tension. For instance, the ring is running
out of power. Akane is in trouble.
will she survive? Will she figure out what the lamp is
for? How to recharge?
Does she still have the lamp or did Nabiki sell it?
You've got enough right there for several chapters if
not a complete story. And
you just threw it away. :(
She streaked down towards her home. Right
before she landed, she
pulled back up.
*What am I thinking. I can't go in there
dressed like this. This is
my secret and I don't want to lose it. I especially
don't want Nabiki
selling pictures of me wearing this get-up. I guess
I'll have to try
something.*
##Good. Showing some conflict.
Akane's brow furrowed as she concentrated.
The ring pulsed as she
slowly faded from view.
*I won't be able to maintain this for long.
I've got to get in there
NOW.*
##But you solved it too quickly. Too easily. This bit
could have
been good for several KB. Akane sneaking around,
trying to figure out how
to get home w/o being noticed. Perhaps having trouble
turning the ring off.
Invisible, Akane flew in through her open
bedroom window. She took a
look around her bedroom and noticed the lamp next to
her bed. Turning
the lamp so the area where the cord come out was
facing her, she used
the ring to cut a hole in the back of the lamp.
Lifting her power
battery, she used the ring to teleport it inside the
lamp, with the
charging area sticking outside the hole she had just
cut. Akane turned
the lamp back around, hiding what she had just done.
She flew back out
the window, right before her invisibility faded.
##??? well, she is a teenage girl. Of course Nabiki is
going to find it in about
five minutes. Right after Kasumi runs across it while
cleaning. ^)^
Kasumi:: "Akane, could you please not put your Power
Battery
inside the table lamp? It vaporized that nice Mr.
Kiagi when
he came to fix the fuse box."
Akane:: "Oooops."
######
Could be a good set up for future problems though. ^)^
"That was close. I really should figure out
if this ring can restore
my clothes," Akane said, while panting for breath due
to the exertion.
Recalling what she was wearing before she was
handed the ring, Akane
willed her clothes back in existence. She sighed with
relief when they
reappeared. After being assured that she could get
back into her
normal
clothes at any time, she recalled the GL suit back.
##Too easy again.
Example::
"I really should figure out if this ring can restore
my clothes," Akane said, panting for breath.
Concentrating, she willed the ring to dress her as she
had been that morning.
It was awfully drafty all of a sudd----
"Eeeeeeeeeee! Ring-no BAKA! AFTER I left the bath!!!"
"I guess that the current Green Lantern must
have changed the costume
for one of his own design. I could probably do the
same, but I think
I'll stick to this one."
##??? Doesn't seem to advance the story. Enough with
the costume already.
Unless you're going to have Akane make changes. Now
THAT would be
interesting.
Flying above the city, Akane noticed a mob of
women chasing after a
short, bald man.
##I'd spend a little more time on the flying. It's an
almost universal dream. And
now Akane can FLY!!! IMO she'd be just a tad excited
over this.
The new Green Lantern smiled to herself.
*Happosai. I guess I should
stop him."
<SNIP> rather bland scene.
*Her panties would make excellent additions to
my collection. Not to
mention her costume.*
##Cute, Not quite manic enough for Happi but you're
going in the right direction.
Not knowing that Happosai escaped, Akane
thought, *That was easy
enough. I should be able to handle some of the more
destructive fights
that crop up.*
##A little stilted but good set up.
-------------------
<SNIP> a rather bland passage with the Dark
Knight.
Kyle listened to the report and shook his
head. "Err. Batman, I might
be able to read Japanese, but I'm a bit rusty with the
spoken
language."
"It shouldn't matter. Do you think all those
aliens you encountered
when you tried to restart the corps spoke English?
They spoke Interlac
and your ring translated that into English and your
words into
Interlac."
Kyle:: Darn. Fifty bucks down the drain on Berlitz.
Kyle filed that information away and stared
out the window at Japan.
"What are you going to do?"
Kyle shrugged and replied, "I don't know. The
last time I did
anything
about a new corps, it wound up in disaster."
"I see."
Batman frowned and said, "I believe you should
at least investigate
this. It could be the Qwardians making another
invasion attempt."
"I guess I should. All right, I'll check it
out. But, I have no idea
on what I'm looking for. I'm not a detective."
"I'll take care of that. You really should
speak more at the meetings
about your concerns and duties."
*Like with Dumas? Thank you, no,* Kyle
thought. *How in the world do
you tell these legends that they were wrong? He
suicided, but he could
have gone on to become something as dangerous as
Darkseid.*
##Interesting little bit here.
Kyle started to head back towards the
teleporter and stopped. He
dissolved the left arm of his costume and looked at
the watch that had
just appeared.
*Monthly meeting today. At least this time, I
won't be late. My work
is done. I guess I could do some sculpting while
waiting.*
Kyle headed for his quarters on the moon, and
went to work carving a
small statue. Instead of using his ring, he used the
age old tools of
the sculptor.
##Nice bit at well.
Overall I found this section rather slow and
confusion. Needs to be much shorter
or a LOT longer. IMO I'm shorten it to bare minimum
and spread the rest of the info
throughout the story.
Keep the bit about the dangers of being a GL and the
bit with the sculpting.
the rest just slows the action. I think it would work
better given in smaller pieces
spread throughout the story.
----------------------
<SNIP>
Judging by her costume and powers, we have ourselves
a Green
Lantern. One of the theories put forth is that she is
Hal Jordan's
daughter and that it is his ring she is using."
*I am not,* Akane thought to herself.
Akane:: "By the way, have you seen mom's golden
lasso?"
Nabiki:: "Kasumi's using it to hang the laundry."
She recalled what her sister
also had said and mentally groaned. *Oh great,
Happosai escaped. I'll
have to get better at this.*
##Cute.
<SNIP>
---------------
At the Cat Cafe, Cologne was watching the news
report. She frowned as
she heard about the incident with Happosai.
"Someone managed to defeat Happosai that
fast?" Cologne muttered. "A
green lantern? What's a green lantern have to do with
anything? It
was
a girl with magical powers dressed in a skimpy outfit
that defeated
Happy, not a lantern. Civilized people, can't even
identify something
right. Although her powers are simmilar to that old
dragon legend."
## Obviously Cologne doesn't get the papers.
Nice foreshadowing with the "dragon legend"
<SNIP>
---------------------------------
<SNIP>
Plastic Man formed his body into Napoleon's
hat and landed on top of
Kyle's head.
##Plastic Man. ^)^ <wheeee> Now all we need is the
Badger and E-man
for a complete set of psycho's. (Of course B.M. is an
entire psychiactric
wing all by himself.)
<SNIP>
-------------------------------
A quadriplegic man in a blue spandex suit was
sitting in a flying
chair
in an unused factory. His head took up half of his
5'10" height.
Pink
bolts of energy flowed around the man's forehead as he
heard the news.
The mental force exploded and overturned barrels,
smashed boxes, and
even bent a couple of steel bars. While this was
going on, the
features
on the man's face contorted as his face became a
bright red.
Hector Hammond screamed, "That power should be
mine!! Not some
schoolgirl's!!"
A rain of dust made him realize that he was
losing control. Not
wanting to drop a building on top of himself, he
quickly brought his
rage under control and analyzed the situation. As he
fought the anger
back, the dust falling and other effects of his
temper-tantrum stopped.
"She is new to the power, so she won't have
that much experience in
using her willpower. I'll break her and take what
should rightfully be
mine. I guess I'm going to Japan to acquire me a new
slave."
##Oh good. A villain. And one of my favorites.
(assuming I'm recalling
them correctly.) Psychotic cripples with big heads are
always a good choice.
Hmmmm, now if you can just get him together with . .
.Happy or Taro would be a
good match up. Or both at the same time. )^
Now that's an idea . . .Hector with Taro's body.
Of course the Parasite is a good choice. And perhaps
the old
favorite Solomon Grundy.
----------------------------------------
Unaware that she was the subject of so much
scrutiny, Akane lay on her
bed and stared at the ring she now wore.
*The Battle Doughi and Soba Noodles didn't
have such a history behind
it. If I continue to wear it, I'm going to have to do
my best to live
up to its legacy. But, that costume is still a bit
embarrassing to
wear.*
##Hino Rei:: HEY, YOU try doing a high kick in this
stupid fuku. THEN you can talk about embarrasing.
Minako:: Just do what I do, wear bicycle shorts
underneath.
Makoto:: {dangling a scrap of cloth on her finger tip}
You mean like these?
Minako:: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Kekko Kamen:: Sissies!
A six inch image of a boy appeared above the
ring.
*Ranma. I wish I could tell you of this, but
Nabiki is probably right
about your reaction.*
After lowering her hand, she turned her lamp
so that the power battery
hidden inside it was exposed. Placing the ring
against the battery,
the
new GL let her ring recharge.
*I should figure out how long it takes between
recharging.*
Akane:: "Lets see, warranty card, credit card receipt
from SuperStuff-R-Us,
here it is . . .owners manual." {running her finger
down index} Radiation,
Rats, Rigellion ;see Yellow, problems with,
Recharging, see Battery of Power.
{flips back} Congratulations on acquiring your new
Power Ring. For best results
let your ring fully charge before . . .
<SNIP>
Patting her stomach and back, she wondered,
*How do they go into
battle
like this all the time, without getting embarrassed?*
##OK, it's form fitting. (I just went on-line to
check. I last recall GL in
a baggy suit that left about 20cm of skin exposed.)
I still think you're belaboring the uniform bit. OTOH
if you WANT to
use this, you need better and more involved
descriptions to make it work.
Show the audience why Akane is embarrassed, don't just
tell us she is.
<SNIP>
heroine's spandex had yellow arms and leggings, white
body, gloves and
boots, and a yellow sunburst on her chest.
Dr. Light seeing her fly off thought, "That
was an unusual way to deal
with that situation. She seems to want to help people
out, but I'd
better make sure."
##Dr. Light is female? Boy I am out of touch. ^)^
The Dr. Light I remember was a villain, opposing Dr.
Mid-Nite.
(I told you I didn't keep up with the more recent
stuff. )
<SNIP>
*Ranma won't be back until the day after
tomorrow and strange stuff
still happens.*
##Cute
She mentally went over the events she had done
as a super-heroine.
*I didn't do too badly at that, but I need to
get better. There's no
telling what I'll be facing.*
##Understatement.
------------------------------
<SNIP>
Overall, rather slow and repetitive. IMO you're not
taking
advantage of a lot of story potential. Writing is
spotty, good in
spots, rather pedestrian in others.
For what it's worth I think the story has potential
and your
writing is good. The story suffers from lack of
dramatic tension
and what I'm perceiving as trying too hard to
shoe-horn the DC
universe into the story. I think it's stifling your
creativity.
Again, I think both you and the story have potential
but I also think
it would benefit from a complete re-write. Don't make
things so easy
for Akane. Show more than tell.
Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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