Here's the second installment of my latest folly "Dead Butch" a story of
irony, humor, romance, eternal friendship, cheesecake, clean socks, or small
automatic cars. I'm not sure which. Probably not more than one or two of
the above, though. Pick the ones you like best.
Anyway, many thanks to those who preread this monstrosity for me, some more
than once Krista Perry, Anand Rao, Gary Kleppe, Chrysalis Jiri, Elvis,
George W Bush... I think that's everyone.
Comments are welcome. Really really welcome.
The first part of this story can be found at http://www.akane.org/michelle
Thanks!
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Dead Butch part Two
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I guess you're wondering how a cool guy like me could
end up in a situation like this. Yeah, it's really not the
sort of thing you come across every day. I mean, I guess I
used to be like other kids. I had a dad and he taught me a
lot about martial arts and how to get by on the road. I
learned a lot of different ways to fight from people that I
met. All in all, it was a pretty happy life for a boy who
liked adventure. Even if I didn't realize then how much I'd
always miss out on for living that way for all those years.
And all the things I'd eventually end up losing.
And then there was this curse. My old man don't like
to admit that he ever does anything wrong, but looking back,
it's pretty easy to see that he made a lot of bone-headed
mistakes as a father and an honorable man, not the least of
which was taking me to that weird training ground in China.
Like I wasn't confused enough about women just from the
things he tried to tell me about them. I didn't need to
think that I could be just like a real girl if I wanted to
since I had this curse now. I hurt a lot of people's
feelings that way when I was young and stupid. And it
wasn't like I had a choice whether I was a girl or a guy
most of the time, ya know. All in all, not the best thing
that can happen to a kid who's already not the most well-
adjusted person on the planet.
So there I was switchin' back and forth between a boy
and a girl at any given moment during the day. It sorta put
a cramp on my tryin' to make friends and socialize and
stuff. I guess the one good thing about bein' stuck like
this is that I never have to worry about all those weird
little accidents that were always happenin' to keep me from
stayin' in one body for long. You'd be surprised at the
number of misunderstandings something like that can create.
I thought that I'd be able to learn to live with it; to
find a cure or a way to deal with the unpredictability.
Have something like a normal life. There was even a place
to stay for a while, and some almost regular type friends,
and this ... person that ... I liked bein' around ...
sometimes. And then *he* came along.
There was this guy, except he was really a girl that
was really a guy. Not like me. I mean, this guy was a girl
all the time. If he'd just explained the problem to me, I
woulda done whatever I could to help him. I mean, because
of a little misunderstanding with some Amazons, I'd had a
little experience with that particular variety of personal
hell. But instead, he comes to town and immediately starts
disrespectin' me and all my friends and ... her. Nobody
disrespects her. Except me, of course, but ...
Well, anyway, that was back when I was young and
stupid, so I blow a gasket and challenge him to a fight, and
what does the bastard do? He uses his cute little magic
spoon or whatever and gets me stuck like him. Stuck to be a
girl. Forever.
Now is that over-reacting, or what?
Well, the next thing that happened was that Ryouga and
Mousse and I chased him and his friends all over Japan. I
got my suspicions about why the poor bastards really came
with me, but they said it was 'cause it was important to
them that I get cured and that they wanted to help. So we
followed them up and down and around and had a couple more
fights and finally ended up on this mountain where the map
to the thing they were looking for led. The thing that was
supposed to be able to cure him and me too.
So I searched the mountain, and they searched the
mountain and Mousse and Ryouga searched the mountain. And
we fought them a little and we fought each other a little
and then we fought some monkeys and then the really stupid
thing happened.
I don't know what was goin' through those boys' heads,
but they waylaid the tiger boy and the wolf boy and took the
damned bucket that the bastard had used to get me stuck and
the morons used it on themselves.
Stuck. They were both stuck.
So suddenly my problems didn't seem as important any
more.
Anyway, we searched that whole mountain. So did the
other guys. High and low and high again. And there was no
kettle. No magical artifact to unlock the cursed forms.
There was some kinda weird shrine or something at the top.
A metal bar, some broken chain. But no kettle. No cure.
And there was that prince guy. Herb. Just cryin' his
stupid girly eyes out like some kinda sissy. So I beat up
his stupid friends and I kicked his girly ass and I took his
bucket and broke it into a bazillion pieces and then I
burned the pieces while I made him watch and then...
Well, whadda ya do after something like that?
I went back to town to break the news to my pop and my
friends. Mousse's friends took it particularly hard. It's
a harsh place they come from, but that don't make stupid
tragedies like this one any less horrible. And there was no
reason for them to stay around anymore so they took him home
to China so that his family could take care of him. It was
pretty touching to see the way that Shampoo held him on that
last day before they left. I'd never seen her more caring.
I guess she didn't hate the guy so much after all. The last
time I went through her village she was married and had,
like, five kids, but she still visits him a lot. Just to
talk.
And Ryouga ...
Ryouga's folks didn't even know about his pig form. I
tried to explain it to them one time when I actually caught
them both at home, but why would they believe some girl they
never saw before? They just kept saying they were sure he'd
be home any minute now for supper. I think he sees his dog
once in a while, but...
Anyway, that's how I ended up in this body. How all
this started. I mean, it's not like I had all that much to
lose in the first place. I'd spent most of my life without
friends or a permanent place to stay anyway, so the only
real difference was leaving Pop. He's a rat bastard, but I
still miss him sometimes.
But the truth is that my life's not really much
different now that I'm on my own. I just pay for things now
instead of bein' grabbed and pulled out of town by a fat guy
with a cart full of other people's stuff. It makes for a
somewhat more serene existence.
Usually, that is.
***
I guess it wouldn't surprise anyone who knows me that I
don't like being judged for how I look. It irritates me
that I get underestimated and dismissed a lot. I was thick
headed as a teen-ager, and I've still been known to miss the
obvious from time to not very much later time. Still, I do
*try* to do things like realize that when I don't like
people discounting me that way, it's probably a good thing
for me not to judge other people that way. I do my best.
Really I do. But that day ...
That day I got a lesson in just how hard it can be.
I pushed my way through the shabby front doors of the
"Sexy Kunoichi Tea Shop" and walked in even though the
clamor from what was probably the kitchen area was a little
louder and came a little faster than one would normally
expect from something like a tea shop. I mean, tea shops
are at least *supposed* to be the quiet social gathering and
chatting type places that old people like. Right? But in
this one, boiling water seemed to be some kinda major group
effort.
There was absolutely no one in sight when I walked
through the door and it seemed that no one heard the entry
bell, but that was no surprise considerin' the Foley team's
worst nightmare goin' on in the next room. Someone was
throwing around a whole lot of dishes, pots, pans, knives,
furniture, power tools, tubas and I don't know what.
Someone seemed to be bumping in to things a lot. Rough
voices were cursing and shouting instructions like "More to
the left!" and "We've got it cornered." This was all
peppered by a few howls of pain and frustration just for
variety.
I stood just inside the door of the deserted tea room
trying to decide what to make of it all when I heard a sound
that froze all the blood in my body. A tiny piggy squeal.
My plan immediately changed to barge in, check my
suspicions, then decide whether or not I could leave in
peace or if I'd have to administer a good ass-kicking first.
All thought of tactics and judicious retreat fled my mind,
however, when I looked up. And there among the broken
dishes, overturned stove and scattered ingredients, staring
at me in mixed surprise and hostility are the three
*ugliest* women I have *ever* seen. I mean, a herd of
stampeding buffalo would have frozen in terror at the sight
of these ... females. I just stood there not able to cope
with the sheer human hideousness my eyes were tryin' to
convince my brain was really possible.
All of the noise in the room stopped in one instant as
they noticed me and all at once their horrifying eyes locked
on to me giving me the *biggest* case of the willies I've
experienced before or since. I pulled my eyes away with
some effort and did my best to start breathing again.
My eyes fell on what the elephant-like one was holding.
Sure enough, there was Ryouga, suspended by the bandana.
Well, Ryouga may be as thick as a rock when it comes to some
things, but his battle instincts are as sharp now as they
ever were. He took advantage of the distraction I was
causing and while I was staring at them staring at me, he
took the opportunity to gently nibble the arm of the one
that had him. (Ick! I mean, better him than me, but...)
She dropped him with a scream and in half a second I managed
to catch the little black blur just as it came rocketing
towards my chest. I held him the best I could even though
he was shaking hard enough to rattle my teeth.
So I look back up to gauge what kind of a threat these
kunoichi-type people were and the little withered one who's
holding an unlit cigar and looking at me like if they don't
get the pig, *I'll* be the next thing on the menu says,
"That's our lunch. Hand it over!" in that foghorn voice I'd
heard earlier.
"Hand it over!" repeats the industrial-sized one.
"Yeah!" says the gangly one whose lips are at least one
third of her total body weight. "We saw it first!"
Well, I got no real quarrel with these people, right?
I decide to be diplomatic about it. "No can do," I say.
"He's my friend and I'm not gonna let you hurt him."
Then the ugly bloated one and the ugly emaciated one
start to edge to either side of me. All innocent like. As
if I'm not gonna know what they're doing.
"Give us the pig, little girl. We don't wanna fight."
"Look," I say. "We can work out some kinda trade if
you want, but you can't have him." I mean, wart-hoggish or
not, these are still females and ... Well, you know. I
gotta at least *try*, right? Either it'll work and they'll
negotiate, or it'll give them another excuse to attack me.
Either way I'll have a clear course of action.
My offer doesn't seem to make a dent. Ugly two and
Ugly three are still closing in and Ugly one is playing for
time. "But here I had my heart set on some nice crispy
bacon. I don't suppose you got any *other* nice crispy
bacon on you?"
Well, I knew they were getting closer, but I
underestimated the tall one's reach. I mean, her arms
*looked* long, but not long enough to snag the pig right out
of my hands from practically two meters away. I sometimes
wonder if I would have fallen for that trick if I weren't so
distracted by their appearances. I mean, talk about your
psychological warfare. Anyway, the point is, she had the
pig, and I was bound and determined to get him back.
I snarl and begin to approach her looking as menacing
as my dainty little self can. I mean, I'd tried to be
reasonable. As far as I was concerned, she'd just given me
a green light to thump on her a bit, but I hoped I wouldn't
have to. I mean, call me a chauvinist or a relic or a
damned fool, but not wanting to hit a girl was only part of
what kept me from rushing her with fists flying. Fact is,
the thought of touching her was still really creeping me
out.
So she backs away a few paces and then makes a piggy
pass to the little one. P-chan's a little too dazed to do
anything but arc gracefully across the room and land feather
light in those tiny withered hands.
Now, I walk towards her thinking that the last thing I
wanna do is get involved on the wrong end of some life-or-
death game of monkey in the middle. Still... If they've
taken me at face value, I should be able to ...
So I take the bait and walk towards her. And there's
the windup, and there's the pitch, and I *jump*.
Now, there's really nothing to the speed stuff. Lots
of schools teach some sort of super speed technique. At
least, most of the successful ones do. I've picked up a few
of those on the road. Not that I wasn't always naturally
pretty quick to begin with.
And jumping? Pu-leeze.
So as the pig takes off on his new trajectory, I double
check to be sure that he's on the exact path I had
anticipated and I intercept right as he hits the top of his
arc near the ceiling. I had no intention of giving them
another chance at any nice Ryouga sandwiches, so I decided
not to stand on ceremony and began looking around for the
most expedient way out of the building and away from the
situation.
Well, they were circling around me again and were
blocking my access to the door by now. It really
wouldn't've been hard to get out through the wall if it came
to that, but why make 'em any more annoyed with me than was
absolutely necessary. They were studying me again as they
circled. Not quite so casually this time, though. I
guessed it'd be a while before they tried anything new. I
turned toward the one I presumed was the leader. The
mother, rather. Size not withstanding, there was a definite
family resemblance. I mean, a *lot* of family resemblance.
Trying to look casual, she pulls out a match presumably
to light the big ugly cigar she's been waving around the
whole time. She looks at me, and I look at her, and
nanoseconds before she struck the match I realized
something.
Overturned gas stove. Match. Bad.
Here she is planning to have a nice puff while her
daughters retrieve the porker and she doesn't even realize
that the place is probably full of our finest clean-burning
natural resource. By then it was far too late to cry out
any kind of a warning. Hell of a tactical error, no? My
old man woulda had a hayday with that one. He woulda had a
big'ol piece'a my hide for it. And I'da deserved it too.
All I can do is fall to the floor and wrap myself
around the pig the best I can before the whole place goes up
in a massive fireball.
Now, because of something that happened once when I was
stuck as a girl ... The first time I was stuck as a girl, I
mean. I'm more resistant to heat than the average person.
So I'm figuring that my chances of living through the
explosion are decent. What I'm really worried about is
whether or not the roof's gonna hold out.
As it turns out, the answer is no.
Three minutes later, though, I've managed to free
myself from the rubble. Come to think about it, I have a
lot of experience dealing with rubble. So I make a mental
note to put this place on my for-sure-don't-ever-ever-EVER-
visit-again-for-ANY-reason list. I look back at the wreck
of the tea shop and hold Ryouga a little closer. He's
shaking like a small'n'cuddly jack hammer.
Now, the road is nice and the wilds of Japan are still
impressive and good for the soul, but they're not exactly
comforting to a guy with a full blown case of the
heebiegeebies. The thing for that is familiar walls and
ceiling and no place for boogie men to hide. Company don't
hurt any either. So I decided it was time to end this
particular training trip.
And that meant it was time to go home. To as much of a
home as I ever had, that is. I mean, there'd been times way
back when that I'd gotten comfortable for a while. Days,
weeks, even months. But there'd never really been a home.
Not before the curse. Not after. Not really.
And as I start on my way, I'm thinkin' that logically I
almost certainly lost them. I mean, even assuming they
survived the blast, it'd be pretty extreme of them to follow
me this far just for a couple pounds of tasty pork, right?
But for some reason I can't shake two horrible feelings.
One, I just know I'm gonna see those three again. I don't
know how I know, but I know. Two, I really want to bathe!
A lot! Now!
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Part three should be out *pretty* soon. Please let me know what you think
and thanks for reading!
Michelle Thatcher misha@cybergal.com
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Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...
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http://www.akane.org/michelle