Well, it's a little bit later than expected, but here it is, the third
chapter of this fic. I'm hoping that there are a few of you who have
been expecting this fic, just because it sucks not to have readers.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope to be finishing
another within the week.
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda
you've heard it all before
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 3
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by The Legendary Redhawke
Journal Entry - March 29, 1999
I love Richard more than I ever have, and so much more than I ever
thought I could. He's given me every reason to love him and cherish
him, and see him as the incredible person he is. He's whisked me
off of my feet when I wasn't even sure I could stand under my own
power. There's so many things to call him, but so few words with
which to say them.
I would be lying to say he were my first boyfriend, but I would be
completely honest to say that he's the first man that I've ever truly
loved. I'm sure that I would cherish my father just as dearly if he
was alive, but he isn't, and I never really knew him at all, so I've
never been entirely sure if I ever loved him. I guess I was just too
young to understand love then. I could say the words, and I guess I
kind of knew the meaning behind them, but I never knew the
unparralleled depth behind them, how much it meant to say 'I love
you.'
I know what it means now, at least I hope that I do. I don't want to
have to give him up because I'm not sure what love is. He does so
much for me. He makes me so happy by doing so little, and he does so
much more than it would take to make me happy, yet he expects nothing
from me. I know it's selfish, but I just can't help it. I don't care
whether or not I'm sure. He's mine.
I always start to think about losing him. I feel like for once in my
life, I have something that I can't, in any way, live without. I keep
telling myself that it's my duty to do everything within my power to
keep him. He gives me so much more than I deserve, so why shouldn't
he have at least part of what he deserves?
All he wants is me, and he has me, but it just seems like I'm
depriving him of something that he wants or he needs, or that I should
be giving to him, whether or not I think I'm ready for it. I'm ready
to love him, I know that. I knew that when I decided that it was love,
and not just me imagining it was.
He loves me, and I love him, and that should be enough right there, but
it just keeps feeling like there's supposed to be something else going
along with it. Is he my lover, or my boyfriend, or what? I had looked
constantly for someone, someone to be my own, someone to hold me,
someone to care for me, and most of all someone to love me the way I
need to be loved.
I never got that love, and just when I was ready to shut my eyes
forever, he came along. He's given me so much hope, like no matter how
bad things become, there will always be a solution, and there will
always be happiness for me at the end of it all.
That's a gift I could never repay, nor would I ever try to.
We took a walk through the park yesterday, and he held my hand so
softly.
He made me feel so small, like I was a little child, and he gave me so
much security with that feeling. He just made me want to curl up in his
lap like I was a three year old with my father. I need that feeling in
my life, that no matter what, he'll never leave me.
I can be human with him. I can make the mistakes that I have to make,
and learn from them just like a teenager is supposed to, and he'll still
be there at the end of the day, loving me and caring for me even more
than he did the day before. He makes me love him more and more
everyday,
and he makes me hate him so much.
I hate him because, despite this happiness inside me, he's made me begin
to worry so much, more than anything has ever made me worry before.
What
if he's just lying to me, and what if he's cheating on me? Too many
questions spin around in my head millions of times a day, and it's all
because of him, but there isn't a thing in this world, or any other that
could make me give him up.
I know what I want, more than anything, and I always kind of have, but I
have never ever ever, even now, been sure as to how I was going to
accomplish it. I want to get married, be in love, have a family, and
never have to deal with any of those huge problems that they always say
you'll end up dealing with sooner or later. I just want to be happy and
content living with my husband and children.
I want someone to take care of me, to hold me in their arms, and never
let me go. I want someone who will tell me they love me, and smile
softly
at me as I lay beside them in our bed. I want to for once not have to
make
mistakes and screw everything up to end up in a favorable position. I
want
to be able to keep all of my friends, no matter what happens.
I want to not have to always fight a never-ending war with myself to
keep
from drowning in an endless abyss of pain and suffering. I want to be
stress free, and not have to live my life forever in the "what if" sense
of only wishing my life had been the way I wanted it to be. I want to
go
for my goals for once in my life, and achieve something, good or bad. I
want to be able to have no regrets about the way I've lived, to say that
I went for the things I wanted, no matter how everything turns out for
me.
It's not so much to ask of myself, but it seems like it's just a huge
paradigm shift to me. It feels as if I have to change everything about
myself to be exactly what I want to be. I don't want to have to be
someone else to achieve something. I want to be me, just happy, whether
or not that seems at all possible at this moment in time. I don't know
how he's going to fit in, but right now, even though he seems so foreign
to me, I have to make him fit, one way or another. I'm not letting him
go because I'm not sure of myself.
There's nothing I can do right now, I suppose. Maybe he'll be the one I
marry, and maybe not. I love him so, and marrying him would bring such
a
joy to my life, but if he's not the one, I'll get over it, somehow. I'm
going to set my sights for once, and not let the present situations
cloud
my view of the greater picture before me. I will be myself, and I will
achieve something.
I will be the me that I've always wanted to be, the me that I never used
to think I could be, the me that nobody else ever saw in me. I'm going
to
be who I am, and who I want to be, and they will be one and the same.
And
Richard, he'll be there, like he always says he will, to love me, and
cherish me, and be what I need.
I just got a picture developed, of him and I, together in the park.
He's
got his arms wrapped around my waist, and he's kissing my cheek, ever so
lightly. We had a passerby take it with my camera...
I just picked it up for no real reason, and looking at it, I felt a
somehow
eerie sense of calm rise up within me, like I had found something,
something
that would change my life, perhaps forever.
It's in my hand right now, and..and it's just overpowering me, as if the
picture were some sort of weird key to my soul. I'm crying now, as I
look
at it unrelentingly. Something about it juts makes me want to hold it,
and
look at it, at our smiling faces caught on a sunny afternoon. Something
about it makes me feel the joy that we both felt that day, the joy that
we
can only find together....
The joy that I've been searching for, for a long long time......
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Well, that's it, hope you enjoyed it. As always, I have to thank
Bethany for
being the most perfect woman ever. I'd also like to thank Scutter and
Raven
for reading this fic consistently.
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com
Redhawke Anime - http://i.am/redhawke
Redhawke FR - http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4