Sorry for not responding to this earlier, it was pointed out to me by one of
my pre-readers that a writer is expected to respond to any and all C&C..I
was not aware of this..
This story didn't sit well at all with me, just as it didn't with SKJAM
and
others -- but I had to think for a while about the reason, and I'm still
not
really sure. It might be a case where the author isn't completely clear on
the
characters' feelings and motivations. Or it might just be that the way in
which
these things are presented is just utterly unconvincing.
Sometimes laying out a story is a hell of a lot easier than actually making
it work.
Let's look at some specifics from the story and see if I can illustrate
what I
mean.
Please, that would be most helpful.
The narrator is just belaboring the obvious here. Gee, Ranma, you don't
like it?
Sorry, I thought you did. :/ Just telling us that Ranma doesn't like it
doesn't
give us a convincing picture of how he really feels.
This whole scene has been redone. After re-reading this sequence from
several angles, I realized that it sucked. End of story. So I had to redo
the whole scene and hopefully, that works better. It seems to flow a lot
better.
"Move yourself out of the way, red-head, or find yourself hurt. We want
the
vampire demon that is hiding behind you." One of the bullies said, a
menacing
look in his green eyes. He brushed back his short, brown hair as if it
were
something he cherished and made sure looked nice, even if nothing else
did.
"If you want my sister, then you'll have to get through me first," was
Ranma's
reply.
"If she is your sister, then you must also be of demon and vampire
descent.
Therefore, we must kill you as well." This came from another of the
three punks.
This dialog (and I mean all of it, even though I'm only quoting a snippet)
is
terribly wooden and unnatural. Can you imagine someone actually saying
this
stuff? I can't. What's worse, it leaves us confused as to the motivations
of the
attackers. Are they attacking Ranko because they feel genuinely threatened
by
her, or are they just bullies as she thinks? Neither of these jibes with
their
dialog and actions. Note that I'm *not* looking for you to explain their
motivations in the text of the story. What you need to do is *show* their
motivations through carefully-chosen dialog, description, and actions.
This scene has been reworded some. I appreciated the info since both you and
Skjam's C&C got me to thinking about redoing the whole thing.
Akane sighed. "Enough of this. He..Er...They are our guests. We should
treat them
as such." Akane looked at the winged red-head. "I'm Akane, want to be
friends?"
Ranko smiled, showing her fangs. "Can we?" She was genuinely
enthusiastic.
Akane, however, got a look at the fangs and freaked out. "A vampire!
Aaaaa!"
Akane pulled a wooden mallet out which curiously had a sharp end to it
and swung
it at Ranko's chest. Things seemed to move in slow motion as Ranko
screamed and
dropped into a crouch, rolling backwards. Ranma ran and stopped,
throwing her leg
in front of the mallet-spike blocking it with her shin. The look on her
face was
one of anger. Yet, she stayed in that position, seemingly balancing on
one leg
while holding the mallet-spike up with the other.
Several things here. First, Akane's reaction seems way too sudden. At
least a
moment of stunned shock would make this a little more believable. If she's
under
Ranko's "niceness" field at first and then comes out of it, there are ways
you
could show it without saying so explicitly; maybe she blinks several times
and
says "Huh?" She doesn't necessarily have to attack, either; considering
that
Ranko isn't being overtly hostile at this point, she might instead try
pulling
her family away and trying to snap them out of her influence. Her actions
after
this bit don't really ring true either. What's challenging Ranko to a
fight
supposed to prove?
More or less its a way for Akane to try and beat the snot out of the
supposed vampire. Nothing more and nothing less. Also, I am reworking this
since Akane is possessed by something, which I haven't said what here. :)
Secondly, you need to be consistent with story tone. The mallet, and the
general
ability of characters to pull things out of nowhere, is a sight gag that
works
in a more light-hearted story. The idea of people killing -- and being
killed by
-- vampire demons, OTOH, is something we need to take seriously, and the
combination doesn't go down well.
Mallet scene removed. After reading comments from several readers and
re-reading it LOTS of times, I hated the scene. So, it went by-by.
Finally, beware of excess dead weight verbiage. "The look on her face was
one of
anger" doesn't add anything more than "She looked angry," and particularly
in an
action scene you want things to flow as crisply and directly as possible.
If you
want to dress the line up, add descriptive detail and suggestive words
that give
us a picture of what's happening.
Yeah, my English skills really stink at times. I am actually surprised my
first post of this didn't have comments like "WHere the hell did you learn
to write this bad?" or something. :)
***** Begin Flashback Sequence *****
This is totally unnecessary. The reader knows it's a flashback. Actually,
in
this case I think showing the scene was also unnecessary. Credit your
readers
with having read at least some of the manga, and don't bore us by showing
what
we already know.
Um, isn't that assuming that all the readers have scene/read Ranma?
(Um...Err...That is _supposed to be _seen_ heheh...<nervous laugh>
Finally, you need to edit better. There were a lot of misspelled words,
punctuation errors, and such that a careful reading would've caught. At
the
very
least, run it through electronic spell-check before you send it out.
Unfortuneately, I don't have an electronic spell checker that works with the
program I am using to write my 'fics. For those that wish to know, I use a
database program called "Treepad" which allows me to make notes on future
episodes and such as well as keep a copy of each of the revisions so I can
see what changes I have made.
Thanks for the C&C!
- Katrina