The blue carona of energy around Raiden faded as he drew nearer to his
Asgardian opponent. Instead, the glow of force moved from his body and
"corona"
succeeded. This trespass will not be forgiven. In years past we have
clashed, conceited one, without a clear victor. Now we shall have one
"conceited one" breaks the flow of the sentence. Should be moved to
start or finish.
intended. But Raiden's arrogant boasts and slurs against her overrode
that impulse. How dare he call her conceited! Just because she was
three times
Excess verbiage. I'd suggest going with:
intended. But how dare he call her conceited!
fancied. But it wasn't Thor's fault that her godly form was so
irresistible to the self-proclaimed Goddess of Foxes.
That seems a bit contemptuous to an old girlfriend. While in fact the
"official" kami of foxes is male, (and there's a funny story about
that), perhaps he should just refer to her as the fox goddess rather
than sneering at her. After all, unlike Raiden, she isn't laying a
claim to a venue held by Thor or any of his buds.
Raiden sneered. "What you are is an overbearing, arrogant,
self-centered, egotistical, womanizing meddler that has challenged me
for the last time."
"who has"
The next exchange the two deities of thunder shared was one of >blows
rather than words. Raiden connected with a fist to Thor's gut first,
MORTAL KOMBAT!
The rain seemed to increase in direct proportion to Raiden's darkening
mood. "I see that you are as strong as ever, despite your obvious
weight loss. I shall not underestimate you again."
Somebody get Raiden an appointment with an optometrist. Incidentally,
why doesn't Thor use her hammer? It almost seems like her hammer isn't
there as she exchanges punches. Is it on her belt?
Do I have to tell you to fix the spelling of Mjolnir? No, probably not.
gravity as his body flew parallel with the ground like a living shaft
of lightening,
"lightning"
"Now who is forced to coo?" Raiden rushed forward again to take on his
opponent in hand-to-hand combat once more.
Thor: Are you calling me a pigeon? A winged nuisance that leaves it's
disgusting droppings everywhere? That's it!
"Mortals," Xellos sneered as he watched Hawkeye fumble her arrow around
Not a heck of a lot of Xellos in this character really.
"Ulik was busy, so he asked me to fill in for him." The troll beat his
fist
proudly against his chest. "My name is Ulos, The Pretty Damn Powerful.
I'm
Ulik's little brother."
I'm surprised it wasn't Goro.
Almost casually Ulos drew his fist back, confident that the mortal
would be
too terrified at his fearsome presence to move. So slow was both he and
the
blow that Bucky was able to throw a punch of her own first, connected
If Ulos wasn't really trying, Bucky would be able to do a heck of a lot
more than that.
than the 'God of Light Dew,' all bore down on him and powered his arm
so
hat he would smite Thor with a blow that would end once and for all
their
rivalry.
FINISH HIM...uh...FINISH HER!
"so that"
She shouted, "Saotom...err, Bucky Anything Goes School of Superheroic
Combat Final Attack: Haymaker From Hell!"
An attack that would be really easy to dodge except that you shout out
its name while doing it.
Bucky flinched. There was something about the way the archer said that
that
itched the back of her mind. She looked the superheroes over more
closely.
"itch" is not a verb.
Nabiki watched the three heroes depart and sighed. That had been a
complete
waste of time. She was beat, her clothing torn, and now she had to find
Isn't this about the time that Nabiki should get the idea of forming a
superhero team and licensing their images?
The man sat back on the lounge chair, enjoying the rays of the sun
beating
down upon him. Truly that travel agent was correct when he claimed this
Rio
De Janeiro beach was magnificent. The man had been here nearly two
weeks,
Don't go "the man", "the man", like that. In fact, don't bother with
"the man" at all, unless you actually hold back Hercules name until the
end. You might want to mention a few physical details about Hercules,
like his beard, or his muscles.