Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Magic Squire Rayearth ch. 1-2
From: "Disagreeable Jim" <bm_stine@worldnet.att.net>
Date: 6/24/2000, 3:32 PM
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>, <nighthawktm@yahoo.com>


Time to make the donuts...

<long snip of rehash of the first three minutes or so of Rayearth episode 1>

Hmmm. Caught a few minor errors in spelling and mechanics here and there.
Might want to proofread more carefully.

<snip typical fanfic Ranma-Ryouga fight>

I hope this picks up soon. I'm yawning my ass off here...

about I give You a lesson in speed?  KATCHU TENSHIN ARMAGURIKAN!"

"You" shouldn't be capitalized there, but more to the point, you've messed
up this technique name. It's "Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken".

The dark green and yellow Ki blasts slammed into each
other and canceled out.  Hikaru's eyes widened at the Ki blasts.

Errr...interesting physics you've chosen here for ki blasts. Ki blasts
cancelling out only happens in Street Fighter and similar fighting games.
Typically, in anime physics, colliding ki blasts cause a massive
*explosion*.

She had finally placed who the two were.  They were Ranma Saotome
and Ryouga Hibiki.  The two of them were famous in all of the
martial arts circles.  It was said that they were the best martial
artists of their (and her) generation.  She had even gotten a
chance to witness one of their fights a few months before as she
was shopping in the Nerima district.  One of the main thoughts
that was running through her mind was the hope that she would get
to meet them.

Keep this paragraph in mind. I'll be referencing back to it further down.

"Don't call me Pig-Boy!!"

"Make me!"  Ranma challenged and dropped into his

This doesn't exactly make much sense. Ryouga said "Don't call me Pig-Boy",
and Ranma replied "Make me!" Usually you answer "Make me!" in response to
someone telling you *to* do something, not telling you *not* to do
something.

Ranma, Ryouga, and Mousse exchanged a look as if to
question whether she was alright in the head.  Blue hair, however
{Yes!  Finally I'll be able to use their names!!!}...

Is this intended to be an author's note? Because if it is, you need to
remove it. It has no business being there, jars the flow, and generally
looks like an idiot newbie mistake.

"Oh, that.  We got bored listening to you three trying to
decided whether we should introduce ourselves or not, and decided
to spar some.  What did you decide on, anyway?"

Heh.

Then Ryouga stepped forward.  "I am Ryouga Hibiki."

Hikaru's eyes lit up.  "Wow, you're really Ryouga?  Your
so famous!  Why this is so cool!"  Ryouga blushed slightly and
gave a small, stuttering laugh as the girl jumped up and down.
Then she turned to Ranma.

"I'm Ranma Saotome, heir to the Saotome School of Anything
Goes Martial Arts."

Hikaru's joy was bubbling over.  "Wow, the two greatest
martial artist of my generation and I'm getting to talk to them!
This is so cool!  My older brothers are going to be soooo jealous!"
She started to giggle some more.  Ranma and Ryouga shared a look
as if to say 'We're famous??'.

Remember that other paragraph from before? Good. Now, look back at that,
then look at these paragraphs.

Hikaru had already determined Ranma and Ryouga's identities. Therefore, her
reaction here is a bit hard to swallow. She's definitely be enthused over
meeting them, but this kind of surprise? Doesn't fit.

Ranma and Ryouga were about to relax when they sensed something in
the woods.  Powering up his Takabisha, Ranma called out, "Come out
here!  We know your there!"

Okay, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that, despite what a
lot of people seem to think lately, Ranma 1/2 is NOT Dragonball Z. Martial
artists in Ranma don't indiscriminately toss around ki blasts as if they're
pebbles. It takes a lot of effort for Ranma and co. to even *throw* ki
blasts. Ranma wouldn't "power up" the Mokou Takabisha so indiscriminately,
because that's his *desperation move*. He only uses that when there's no
other alternative. Just trying to force someone out into the open without
any sort of prior conflict does not qualify, and is not an acceptable reason
for Ranma to cut loose with a technique of this magnitude.

Ranma brought is aurora to bare as he looked at the kid.  "What

"his aura"...aurora and aura are two different things entirely.

Also, though I applaud your eagerness to move the story along, and your
desire to avoid repeating familiar scenes from the original series whenever
necessary, I feel you breezed through the whole "I'm giving you magic so you
can become the Magic Knights and save Cephiro" bit a little TOO quickly. Go
back and fill in a few more paragraphs explaining what's going on to those
who may not be quite as familiar with Rayearth.

"I agree with Hikaru, lets kick their butts!"  Ranma was all
prepped up for a fight.  He never got to finish any of his battle
with Ryouga and it was starting to get on his nerves.

"all prepped up"? An...odd choice of phrase.

"Joining forces with Zagato, I am disappointed with my pupil,
Alcyone."

Now, THIS, you could have skipped. Since it has no direct bearing on this
story and its alternative and crossover elements, it shouldn't be taking up
space here.

Hikaru had just had enough of She stood up and started to
gather fire around her.  Alcyone gave her a look of surprise.
"HANNOU NO"

Honou

Well, what do you think?  I think I did a pretty good job of
getting the Ranma crew in there, don't you.  I'll be explaining
what got them there later on.  Next time, Presea, Mokona, girl
troubles, and Ryouga gets lost!

My honest impression?

This story is going to become very old and very boring very quickly. It's
nothing more than Rayearth with three of the Ranma cast tossed in for
variety. Crossovers of this type have a notorious tendency to become
tedious, boring reads, and the authors tend to abandon them less than five
chapters in when they realize nobody--including the authors themselves--care
about the fic anymore.

I am a bit disappointed in this as a Ranma/MKR crossover, especially with
the distinctive lack of crossovers of these two series. The bar seems to
have been set by Onna: Red Side and A Duet of Pigtails, and authors
attempting Ranma/MKR crossovers aren't looking to those excellent fics for
inspiration; they're attempting to rehash one of the oldest and most
ineffective crossover formulas out there.

"Where is he?  Where did Ryoga go?"

Ranma sighed at the problem.  "Don't worry, Fuu, Ryoga's got the

If Fuu said the above line, then it should have been "Ryouga-san".

Also, please be consistent. You used "Ryouga" in the first chapter; this
should be how you spell his name in every chapter thereafter.

said 'what the hell' while Hikaru stepped slightly forward.  "Uh, are you
Presea-San?  We're here because Cleff-San told us to come."  The chair

On the flipside from earlier...Hikaru *never* uses "-san". Fuu is the only
one that ever uses "-san".

The blonde was taken aback by the sudden outburst of the only one
outside the cage.  She took a good look at him for the first time and had
to agree with him.  Judging from his looks he was most definitely a man,
or at least close enough for it to count.  A slight blush came over her
face as she took in his good looks.  Then the name he used reached her
mind.  "Did you say Saotome?  Are you related to a Genma Saotome?"

O_o;;;

"I'm Presea, your fiancee."

You hear that extremely loud thumping sound, followed by the crash of broken
glass and the sound of a body landing on an air conditioner? That's me
facefaulting.

"Please don't fight.  There's no reason for it.  I'm sure
Ranma-san just teases you to show that he likes you.  Please don't

Again, Hikaru *never* uses "-san". She would call him "Ranma-*kun*".


I do like that at least you changed the outcome of the battle with the mud
monster. Still, all that proves is that you're willing to adapt the minor
details of the storyline to suit the addition of extra cast, but the main
plot is likely to remain exactly the same. Again, a formula that doesn't
work in crossover fanfiction. Again, I'm a bit skeptical about the potential
of this fic.

ooooooooooooooooooo
Disagreeable Jim

He who denied it, supplied it.

Just say no to prophylactics.



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