cbass89@fn3.freenet.tlh.fl.us wrote:
On the war ravaged continent of Nerima, the Demon Lord Happosai has risen
into power. As his minions increased he began to take over kingdom after
kingdom until only one remained free of his rule. This kingdom, the Tendou
Kingdom, had remained free from peril until recently, when guards reported
seeing the Demon Lord's "Dragon Scouts" flying over city walls. Not long
after, Lady Tendou was kidnapped and murdered by Happosai's Orc troops.
All hope for remaining out of Happosai's control was lost, until two
mysterious warriors appeared...
It might be better to develop this information in the course of the story,
rather than dropping it in one lump at the beginning like this.
Akane sighed. It had been an entire month since her mother disappeared.
since her mother had disappeared.
(Use the past perfect tense for things that occurred before the current moment
in narration.)
The same young man put his hands up in defense. "Whoa! Easy there, ya
might hurt someone with that thing. I didn't mean to startle ya or
nothin'. My name's Ranma." He motioned to the shy, silent guy to his left,
"and that's Ryouga."
left. "And that's
(If there's no 'said' or other verb that directly indicates the dialog being
spoken, the dialog must be a separate sentence.)
"Umm, hi." The short haired guy replied as he nervously scratched the
"Umm, hi," the
(Here there *is* a verb that directly refers to the line of dialog, namely
"replied.")
Akane sheathed her sword and slung her long raven hair over her shoulder.
She slowly looked the guys over. They seemed harmless enough. Both wore
standard mercenary attire; a shirt of chain-mail and a light travelling
cloak: nothing special. She smirked. 'I could take them both blind-folded,'
she thought.
What if they aren't blindfolded? :)
The one called Ryouga did have a funny looking bandana on his
head though, but nothing of the marked armor that Happosai's human
I'd take out 'though' here; doesn't seem to belong.
"Lady Akane, we wish to see your father. Would you be so kind as to show
us to him?" He bowed, awaiting a response. He looked over to Ranma then
pulled him down into a bow as well, and was rewarded with a deep growl.
Then Ryoga and Ranma bonked heads stooge-style, and hilarity ensued. :)
Akane couldn't help but laugh. 'These two are no harm. Maybe they could
teach that pompous Kuno a few things about addressing ladies of the
Since you're using "Ryouga" and "Tendou," it should be "Kunou" rather than
"Kuno."
court.' "Very well. I'll show you to the stable where you can rest your
mounts. You may wait there while I see if my father will accept your
audience. If you try anything, you can count on being full of arrows
before you can snap a finger. Most of the guards are on edge lately.
Unlike this one..." Akane kicked her bodyguard, who had fell asleep under
who had fallen asleep
a tree, awake. "Get up you idiot!" The guard stood quickly and bowed.
up, you
"Hiroshi, please show these gentlemen to the stables." Akane said over
stables," Akane
"As you wish, Lady Akane," Hiroshi replied, bowing. "If you would, sirs,"
he waved them on, following a path along the city walls.
would, sirs." He waved
"So, Hiroshi was it?" Ranma asked.
"So, Hiroshi, was
Ranma started to get rather mad. Hiroshi stepped towards him, but Ryouga
quickly stepped in to avoid any conflict that may get them thrown out of
that might get them (past tense)
"Ranma, it's not worth it. He just a trying to protect the city, it's his
He's just trying to protect the city. It's his
"Humor me. As of right now, I'm off duty anyway." Hiroshi said, pointing
anyway," Hiroshi said,
towards the guard post. Two men were walking towards the post, dressed
like Hiroshi.
Suggest: dressed like him. (Already talking about Hiroshi)
Ranma scratched the back of his head, thinking. "My father and I left home
so he could turn me into a great fighter. The only way I would become
eligible for knighthood was to prove myself better than everyone, since I
was not of noble blood. My Mom wouldn't settle for me bein' just a guard."
Ranma yawned as if he was bored with the story.
as if he were bored (always use 'were' for hypothetical situations)
"Come on, cut that out," Akane said taking, Ranma's hand and dragging him
said, taking Ranma's (misplaced comma)
'Okay, maybe she's a little cute - for a macho warrior princess.' Ranma
princess,' Ranma
(Same punctuation rules apply for explicitly quoted thoughts as for spoken
dialog.)
'Damn that Ranma. He gets everything!' Ryouga kicked a pebble. He looked
up and his jaw dropped. "Ranma! We can't go in there!" He yelled pointing
there!" he yelled, pointing
"Yeah," Ranma agreed. "Never can be too careful I guess."
careful, I
Akane stepped inside, then turned and waved Ranma and Ryouga in. They
gulped and entered, stopping at Akane's side. She noticed their reluctance
to step forward, and shoved them. The two stumbled to a stop in front of
two golden thrones. In one, there sat a man with long flowing dark hair,
dressed in dark blue and black ceremonial robes. He looked strong yet
frail at the same time. The smaller throne sat unoccupied.
Ranma and Ryouga bowed low as Lord Tendou cleared his throat to speak.
"Well, state your business."
RANMA: Sir, have you ever considered the advantages of a really fine set of
encyclopedias?
Interesting start. Please continue.
Gary