Well, well... a fic featuring Konatsu and me. I'm sure if I didn't comment
upon it, it would be a gross miscarriage of justice...
::goes into a defensive stance, brandishes spatula, looks around for Gary
Kleppe::
Okay, let's get on with it... although I warn ya, I'm not as funny as some
commentators. Then again, I'm still cuter. ^_^
Boy Nights
Boy knights? Didn't Lara Bartram already *do* 'Pages'?
By Kyle Emmerson
Ranma 1/2 and all of its characters and situations are
the creation and property of Rumiko Takahashi. I use
these characters and situations without permission.
Note: This idea was actually envisioned not by me, but by Ammadeau
(http://www.thekeep.org/~amm/fanfiction.htm) who graciously allowed me to
borrow the idea and work it into a full sized story. Also, apologies to
Kenko for the title... It was not meant as a rip-off, but it just seemed
to fit the situation. :P
Perhaps... although, if you don't want it to look like a rip-off of Kenko's
title, may I suggest "Walk Like A Man"?
On the other hand, the title got my attention (well, I thought you were gonna
parody him - now THERE's a tough job), so you may wanna keep it.
Prologue: Men Don't Wear Skirts?
Uh, Tyd... there's a bunch of Scotsmen to see you... and they don't look too
happy about that crack...
"Hello! Welcome to Ucchan's, I'm Konatsu, your waitress! May I show
you to your seat?"
It's a matter of taste, I'm sure, but perhaps the flow of this might be
better served by putting a period after 'Ucchan's', and having Konatsu's
self-introduction stand as a separate sentence. If you do, maybe you'll want
to start off with 'Hello, and welcome...' as well.
Ukyou poured some batter on to the grill as Konatsu led another guest
to their table. Konatsu had been a wise investment, and all it really took
was to give him room and board. Cheaper than actually paying him, by far.
Well, I *do* pay him... just not much. Kami help me if Nabiki ever teaches
him about economics and the going price of labor...
"So, how does a cute girl such as yourself get by all these strange
men hitting on you?" the man who Konatsu led to the new table asked.
And here in Nerima, the men are stranger than most... ^_~
Ukyou rolled her eyes. One of THOSE people. If only they knew the
truth. Still, keeping it unknown was better for business. If it ever got
out publicly that Konatsu wasn't a she, her business would go downhill so
fast she couldn't even shake a stick at another okonomiyaki so long as she
lived.
aHEM. 'Natsu-chan's cute and all that, and makes a nice 'draw girl,' but I
*do* think the Ucchan was doing pretty well before he showed up.
On the other hand, folks have gotten used to my kunoichi 'waitress', and I
doubt thing'd be the same without Konatsu around, so... I'll accept your
point.
"Oh," Konatsu giggled. "I get by. I'm straight, so once I tell them
that, they leave me alone for a little while."
Patron (looking Konatsu up and down): Hmm... yes, you *are* rather straight.
Forget that I tried to hit on you...
The man blinked in surprise. "Err, yeah. I'm straight too."
Ukyou had to bite her lip to keep from laughing out loud. This was a
common occurrence, and either Konatsu enjoyed seeing them squirm, or he
really was that naive.
"Oh, really?" Konatsu asked. "You'd be surprised how many gay men
there are in Nerima. I'd swear there are at least ten men who try to hit
on me every day!"
Ukyou bit down on her lip even harder. Don't laugh, she told herself.
Just... don't laugh.
Must... control... maniacal... laughter...
You'd think I'd be used to this scene by now, though, wouldn't ya?
The man looked back up at Konatsu and raised an eyebrow in obvious
confusion. "Err," he began.
"Oh!" Konatsu said bringing his hand up to his mouth. "Right, I forgot
to take your order! What can I bring for you?"
"Uhh... Pork Okonomiyaki, please," he said, still in a state of
confusion.
"Right!" Konatsu smiled happily and bounced over to Ukyou.
"Miss Ukyou, he ordered a Pork Okonomiyaki. Will that be okay?"
Well, seeing as Ryoga is nowhere in sight... sure.
Then again... WHY is Ryoga nowhere in sight?
"That's fine, Konatsu," Ukyou said, throwing a few pieces of pork on
to the okonomiyaki she was cooking. "Hey, Konatsu?"
"Miss Ukyou?" Konatsu shot back, meeting Ukyou's gaze.
"Do you... enjoy doing that?"
"Doing what?" Konatsu asked.
"You know," Ukyou said, motioning towards the man seated at the table,
who was currently very animated, obviously trying to work out what Konastu
had said to him within his mind. "Playing with their heads."
Konatsu: Of course not! I just said I was straight, didn't I?
"Miss Ukyou?" Konatsu asked again, cocking his head. "I'm not sure I
know what you mean."
Naive. Yup. Definitely naive.
"Well, they don't know you're... err... not a girl," Ukyou whispered.
"They don't? How could they not, though, Miss Ukyou? Isn't it
blatantly obvious?" Konatsu asked. Somehow, with the little black and
white waitresses uniform, and the frilly apron around his waste, the
question has about as much meaning as a solar powered flashlight.
"around his waist"
One wonders about 'Natsu-chan's definition of the term 'obvious'...
"Well, it... err... it IS sort of hard to tell," Ukyou said, keeping
her voice down. Boy is that the understatement of the year, she thought.
"Boy, is..."
And maybe *that* should be emphasized. The *word* 'that', I mean.
Konatsu looked down at himself. "Well, how more obvious can I be?"
Well, you could strip yourself naked and... never mind...
<snip>
"It's true, though! I am comfortable!"
"That's besides the point, Konatsu," Ukyou said, pouring more batter
"That's beside the point," I think.
on to the grill. "You are a man. A straight man. How do you ever expect to
get a girlfriend if you don't dress like one?"
(WARNING: Character debate)
I will assume, though, that this story is quite a ways down the line from
where the manga ends. Keep in mind that in the manga, it's established that
Konatsu's been raised as a girl all his life. He has a completely feminine
self-image. He actually considers himself a *lesbian* (and is quite ashamed
of it) for being attracted to 'me'.
And I'm not sure how interested in _other_ girls he is. The first time we
see 'her', 'she' is bemoaning the fact that 'she' is stuck outside doing
laundry, while 'her' step-sisters are "having fun with some men." Not that I
expect that Konatsu *ever* actually performed any of the primary services
that teahouse employee do. But his attraction to me is as much out of
gratitude for my befriending him as it might be from any ah, physical
attraction.
I'm pretty sure 'I'm' trying to shunt him off in part to free 'myself' from
attachments for Ranchan's sake, though.
(END character debate)
Konatsu blinked for a moment, and then leaned in towards Ukyou. "Men
don't wear skirts?"
"Well, laddie, lit's hahve a wee dram an' took aboot it, shall we?"
And then there's the hakama that kendoists wear... but that's rather
specialized, after all (yeah, yeah, nitpick, nitpick, nitpick)
Ukyou would have facefaulted if she wasn't so shocked. "You're joking,
right?"
Konatsu just stared back.
"No, I guess you wouldn't be." Ukyou sighed. She should have realized
the Tea House Ninjas who had taken Konatsu in never showed him how a real
man dressed,
Well, none of them were men, after all... and men didn't stick around (uh...
pardon the expression) long enough for Konatsu to get a good look at them.
so Konatsu must have naturally assumed that any type of
clothing was unisex. "No, Konatsu, men do not wear dresses."
Konatsu pouted. "But... it's so comfortable."
Ukyou shrugged. "It's up to you if you want to wear it or not,
Konatsu. In fact, I prefer that you would, during the day. We've never had
better business since you came along."
Konatsu smiled a bit. "Thank you, Miss Ukyou!" he said, and then
started to bounce away to the other customers.
Maybe I'm just focussing on a single spot, but I can't picture Konatsu
bouncing, especially with that washboard chest... of... his.
'Scuse me... I'll let the fic run for a moment...
After a moment, he paused and turned back to Ukyou.
"Konatsu?" Ukyou asked, wondering why he turned around.
"Miss Ukyou?" Konatsu began. "I wonder if... You might teach me to
dress like a man does?"
Ukyou boggled. He was asking HER to teach him how to dress like a man?
That was...
A challenge. An interesting challenge to say the least, and quite fun,
too.
Okay, I'm back, speaking of quite fun...
Yes, she could teach him how to be a man. It would be easy! Ukyou was
a man for ten years, and she knew enough of the basics!
But realistically, with Konatsu, just dressing him as one wouldn't
make much difference.
So much for Clothes Making The... (sorry, Nick! ^_^)
Ukyou would literally have to mold him into a man.
(singing a bit from Rocky Horror Picture Show)
o/~ In just seven days... I can make you a maaa-a-a-a-aaan! o/~
Ukyou let a small smile grow from the corner of her lips as Konatsu
returned with another two guests, who he seated at a nearby table. As
Konatsu approached her once more, Ukyou said, "Sure thing, Konatsu. I'd be
happy to."
And I'd be happy to read more...