<Kyhdin@aol.com> wrote:
Well this is probably a first. Like Disruptor, I'm also doing a fic revolving
around the concept of Akane getting a GL power ring. Since everyone
Not really a first; notice that there are two fics out there with Ranma's cursed
form a genie. :)
Akane Tendo was having a bad day. One of those where nothing goes right and
sooner or later you get the feeling that someone up there has a box marked
"things that can go wrong" and is just emptying it's contents one by one into
the cauldron that is your life.
its (use "it's" only when you mean "it is.")
So, it was understandable that when Upperclassman Kuno, the self-styled "Blue
Thunder" of Furikan High, attempted to ask her out on a date in his usual
fashion, Akane, who's legendary short temper had been shortened down to the
bare edges by the day's events, responded by driving her feet into several
vital areas of his body before throwing him into the dumpster just inside the
mouth of a nearby alley.
Um... what was the reason for this? Akane's never been this rough with Kuno in
the manga. If this bit is important to your story, I'd suggest giving us some
detail on the kind of bad day Akane's been having so that we can understand why
she's getting so extreme. Otherwise, I'd say drop it.
The source of the light proved to be a jade sculpture in the shape of a paper
lantern. "Wow," she said softly as she knelt to pick it up by the handle. As
her fingers made contact, the light died away. For a moment, she was startled
and then logic asserted itself. "Baka," she muttered to herself. "It's
What's wrong with "dummy" or "idiot?"
probably one of those one touch lamps or the batteries died just when you
touched it. Don't get excited." Standing up, she turned to leave when she
noticed a jade ring lying on the ground. Picking it up, she noticed that it
seemed to be carved from a single piece of jade and was adorned with a
miniature of the lantern she held. "Wow," she said quietly and then slipped
it onto the middle finger of her right hand. Instantly, the ring blazed to
life and then died. Looking down, Akane saw she was dressed in a form-fitting
green and black costume with white gloves. Feeling something on her face, she
touched it. It felt like some kind of mask. "What the hell is going on?" She
said to no one in particular.
Way too much action in this paragraph, IMO. Slow down a little and take one
event at a time.
"There you are," Ranma said, vaulting over the fence at the other end of the
alley, "wha'cha doing back here?"
alley. "Wha'cha (avoid run-on sentences)
"None of your bisnuess!" Akane retorted. "And why do you care? Shouldn't you
be off mooching off of Ukyou or Shampoo?"
Again, too extreme for her without any visible reason. Contrary to fanfic
cliche, Akane doesn't get mad at Ranma unless there's some apparent provocation.
Also, him mooching food from Ukyo and Shampoo is a fanfic cliche; Akane is
generally with him when he eats at either of their restaurants in the manga, and
all evidence suggests that he pays his bills (he worked as a waitress to pay
back Ukyo at the end of the Gambling King story).
Much later that night, Akane sat cross-legged on her bed looking at the
Lantern on her desk. Surprisingly, no one had commented on it unless she
Lantern shouldn't be capitalized, unless you really mean it as a proper name.
Then she was floating over a city square ringed with skyscrapers made of
glass and green steel. Below her, thirty-six hundred-where did that number
come from?- beings stood, surrounding a curious structure shaped like a
lantern. Each of them had her? His? It's?
No, its. :)
Arm? Tentacle? stretched towards
the blazing green light emerging from the structure and she could hear their
voices.
"In darkest day, in blackest night," the voices chanted. "No evil shall
escape my sight. Let those who worship Evil's might beware my power, Green
Lantern's Light!"
Evil shouldn't be capitalized; it's a philosophical concept, not a proper name.
"From the ashes, rises the new," said a voice behind her. Akane spun and
found herself looking at man. He was the same height as Happosai, blue
at a man.
skinned, with white hair pulled back in a ponytail and dressed in a red robe.
blue-skinned (hyphenation)
How long she screamed she could never be sure, but gradually, she became
aware of some shaking her and yelling her name. Then the world exploded in
of someone shaking
I liked the dream sequence. Good use of language, and it hints nicely at things
to come.
"Yeah," Ranma said smiling as he handed her a glass of water proffered by a
worried looking Kasumi, who stood nearby as the rest of the Tendo Household
was jammed in the door to her room. "Just a nightmare. You're okay. You're
jammed in the doorway to (as written, it's kind of impossible ^_^)
Gary