In a message dated 6/21/00 12:39:38 PM, kleppe@mediaone.net writes:
<Kyhdin@aol.com> wrote:
Well this is probably a first. Like Disruptor, I'm also doing a fic
revolving
around the concept of Akane getting a GL power ring. Since everyone
Not really a first; notice that there are two fics out there with Ranma's
cursed form a genie. :)
Well, I did say probably. . .:-)
Akane Tendo was having a bad day. One of those where nothing goes right
and sooner or later you get the feeling that someone up there has a box
marked
"things that can go wrong" and is just emptying it's contents one by
one into the cauldron that is your life.
its (use "it's" only when you mean "it is.")
Doh! Well, now you know why English was my second worst subject.
So, it was understandable that when Upperclassman Kuno, the self-styled
"Blue Thunder" of Furikan High, attempted to ask her out on a date in his
usual
fashion, Akane, who's legendary short temper had been shortened down
to the bare edges by the day's events, responded by driving her feet into
several
vital areas of his body before throwing him into the dumpster just inside
the mouth of a nearby alley.
Um... what was the reason for this? Akane's never been this rough with
Kuno in the manga. If this bit is important to your story, I'd suggest
giving us
some detail on the kind of bad day Akane's been having so that we can
understand
why she's getting so extreme. Otherwise, I'd say drop it.
Well, first off, please remember that I am from the English Dubbed end of
Ranma fandom so my interpretation of her stems from that.
Secondly, Akane's had one bad thing after another happen to her with Kuno
being the icing on the cake. Quite frankly, I think she's pretty IC to beat
Kuno like that. Paticularly with her foul mood. Still, you are right in that
I should have detailed some of the bad things. I'll go back and see what I
can come up with. On the other hand, if anyone can come up with some ideas
and send 'em by private E-mail, I'd be grateful.
The source of the light proved to be a jade sculpture in the shape of
a paper lantern. "Wow," she said softly as she knelt to pick it up by the
handle.
As her fingers made contact, the light died away. For a moment, she was
startled and then logic asserted itself. "Baka," she muttered to herself.
"It's
What's wrong with "dummy" or "idiot?"
Isn't that what "baka" means?
probably one of those one touch lamps or the batteries died just when
you touched it. Don't get excited." Standing up, she turned to leave when
she noticed a jade ring lying on the ground. Picking it up, she noticed that
it seemed to be carved from a single piece of jade and was adorned with
a miniature of the lantern she held. "Wow," she said quietly and then slipped
it onto the middle finger of her right hand. Instantly, the ring blazed
to life and then died. Looking down, Akane saw she was dressed in a
form-fitting
green and black costume with white gloves. Feeling something on her face,
she touched it. It felt like some kind of mask. "What the hell is going on?"
She said to no one in particular.
Way too much action in this paragraph, IMO. Slow down a little and take
one event at a time.
Yeah, but how and where do I break the paragraph up.
"There you are," Ranma said, vaulting over the fence at the other end
of the alley, "wha'cha doing back here?"
alley. "Wha'cha (avoid run-on sentences)
Check!
"None of your bisnuess!" Akane retorted. "And why do you care? Shouldn't
you be off mooching off of Ukyou or Shampoo?"
Again, too extreme for her without any visible reason. Contrary to fanfic
cliche, Akane doesn't get mad at Ranma unless there's some apparent
provocation.
Also, him mooching food from Ukyo and Shampoo is a fanfic cliche; Akane
is generally with him when he eats at either of their restaurants in the
manga,
and all evidence suggests that he pays his bills (he worked as a waitress to
pay back Ukyo at the end of the Gambling King story).
Yeah, but then again, she's not exactly in the best of moods and people
having a bad day tend to lash out at everything and everyone. . .and Ranma's
handy.
Much later that night, Akane sat cross-legged on her bed looking at the
Lantern on her desk. Surprisingly, no one had commented on it unless
she Lantern shouldn't be capitalized, unless you really mean it as a proper
name.
Yeah, Angus noted this that I have a tendacy to randomly capitalize things. I
thought I beat it.
Then she was floating over a city square ringed with skyscrapers made
of glass and green steel. Below her, thirty-six hundred-where did that number
come from?- beings stood, surrounding a curious structure shaped like
a lantern. Each of them had her? His? It's?
No, its. :)
Ahhhhh
Arm? Tentacle? stretched towards
the blazing green light emerging from the structure and she could hear
their voices. "In darkest day, in blackest night," the voices chanted. "No
evil shall
escape my sight. Let those who worship Evil's might beware my power,
Green Lantern's Light!"
Evil shouldn't be capitalized; it's a philosophical concept, not a proper
name.
Agreed, but the oath also uses the term "evil's might". To me, that implies
ownership, which in turn seems to warrant capitalization.
"From the ashes, rises the new," said a voice behind her. Akane spun
and found herself looking at man. He was the same height as Happosai, blue
at a man.
skinned, with white hair pulled back in a ponytail and dressed in a red
robe.
blue-skinned (hyphenation)
How long she screamed she could never be sure, but gradually, she became
aware of some shaking her and yelling her name. Then the world exploded
in
of someone shaking
I liked the dream sequence. Good use of language, and it hints nicely at
things to come.
Thanks. I was bored at work and had a notepad handy. So in between customers
I did some writing.
"Yeah," Ranma said smiling as he handed her a glass of water proffered
by a worried looking Kasumi, who stood nearby as the rest of the Tendo
Household
was jammed in the door to her room. "Just a nightmare. You're okay. You're
jammed in the doorway to (as written, it's kind of impossible ^_^)
I dunno, this is Nerima. . .\0_0/
Gary
Agreeable Komodo
He who bought it, supplied it.
Just say yes to prophylactics.