(We see Usagi, et. al. walking a promenade street, why, I'm not sure. Anyway,
they see a villian, Queen Beryl trying to take the boy's heart crystal out. He's
in obvious pain. The girls stop and gawk.)
Usagi (pointing up ahead): Look! Queen Beryl is trying to take that poor boy's
heart out!
Chibi-Usa: I think she's aiming at the wrong place. I think she's aiming for his
stomach?
Rei (smacking Chibi-Usa): Silly girl, don't you know that a to reach a man's
heart is through his stomache?
Chibi-Usa (squinting): Well, she's must be working very hard. I mean, his
stomach is very, um, large. Does that mean he's got a large heart?
Boy's voice: Ooow! Ooh! Please, someone save me!
Beryl's voice: Boy, your gut is not making this easy! But, I'll have your heart
very soon. Bwhahahahaha! Ohohohohohoho! (The girls shudder.)
Hotaru: Okay, that does it. Villian laughter is one thing, but ripping Ranma 1/2
is certainly another.
Setsuna: You're right. Annoying laughter is certainly not good.
Boy's voice: Aaarrgggh! Please...I'm dying! (Suddenly, the boy's stomach
explodes, and a good deal of stomache acid oozes out of his body, as well as
guts, etc.) Aaarrgh! The pain's unbearable!
Beryl: Consider this to be a blessing boy. I'm giving you free liposucktion,
without the need for surgery! Bwhahahahaha! (She coughs and gags.)
Usagi: Well, what are we waiting for, girls? Let's do it! (Suddenly, the girls
form a pyramid. Usagi shakes head, and grunts (as she's on the bottom).) Wait a
minute, what are we cheerleaders?
Michiru: Glancing by these ridiculous outfits, I'd say yes... (Instead of
wearing the typical sailor suits, all of them are wearing the cheerleader
uniforms for the 2000 World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.) Who'd made these
outfits, anyway? A blind tailor?
Usagi: Never mind that, let's transform!
(Insert complete transformation sequence. I'd include it, but folks, I just
don't have the space!)
(Anyway, Queen Beryl smiles and notices the Sailor Senshis coming closer.)
Beryl: Ahh, the thirteen Sailor Senshis. Of course, you do know I'm not going to
let go of the boy. He's very important to this story.
Sailor Moon: Or really? And why would that be?
Beryl (grunting as she's still trying to get the boy's heart): Why, he's the
author of this very fanfic.
Sailors: WHAT?!
Andrew (which would be me): Arrgh...the pain...shock...(He faints.)
Beryl (laughs, much like B-ko): You see? How can you defeat me when I hold the
very boy who's writing this fic?
Sailor Venus (looking at Sailor Moon): Well, she's got a point. Okay, what are
your demands?
Beryl: Demands? (She looks puzzled for a moment.) Oh, yes. First, I want
all of you to dye your hair red.
Sailor Mercury: That's insane! Most of us have black hair!
Sailor Moon: And I'm not going to ruin my precious blonde hair by turning it
red!
Sailor Jupiter (fiddling with her locks of hair): Well, I see no problems with
that.
Andrew (through fits of consciousness): Red hair...should have dyed it brown...
Beryl (smiling): And then, I want all of you to get a haircut!
Sailor Moon (screaming, face turning red): Queen Beryl, have you gone nuts?!
Beryl: No, it's not my demand, just my ex-husband's demand.
Andrew (wincing): Ex-husband?
Principal Kuno: Hiyo! Dat's right. Youse all gonna get your hair cuts now, or
face the bowl! (He holds up a bowl. Sailor Pluto wield out a large-sized
spatula. Everyone else looks at Pluto.)
Sailor Mars: Huh? How'd you do that?
Sailor Pluto: I'm Ukyou's stunt double. Besides, this thing (smiling, brandishs
the spatula) has come in handy many of times.
Sailor Moon (grumbing, to audience): Remind me next time to make sure I get a
clause in my next contract so that I can do moonlighting roles...
Sailor Mercury: This story is making absolutely no sense.
Sailor Chibi-Moon: Well, Queen Beryl has the author. Duh. (The sailors get into
a fighting pose.)
Sailor Moon: Alright, let's boogie!
Principal Kuno: Dat's wat youse think! (He swiftly, as we see it only in
super-slow motion, grabs an electric razor and plants the bowl over Sailor
Moon's face and with a flouish takes all the hair off of Sailor Moon. The pile
of blonde hair piles up underneath the rest of the Sailor Senshis, and takes up
several city blocks as well. Kuno removes the bowl and holds a mirror to Sailor
Moon's face. She gazes in horror as she's completely bald.) Wat do ya think?
Sailor Moon (screaming): Nooooooooo (camera pans out to the city) oooooooo (pans
out to the country of Japan) ooooooo (pans out to the Earth, you can still see
the pile of hair at this point) ooooooo (finally pants out to the entire Solar
System) oooooo!
Beryl: Aw, Sailor Moon can't be Sailor Moon without her hair, huh? Now what are
you going to do...(glances at the boy) I think I've got your heart now! (Andrew
screams.)
Sailor Moon: Why, you ingrate! (She grabs Principal Kuno, keel hauls him, give
him a couple of well placed hits in the groin, and proceeds to break every bone
in the body. Beryl, Andrew, and the rest of the Sailor Senshis --- who have now
poked their heads out from the huge pile of hair --- watch in horror as
Principal Kuno tries to get away from Sailor Moon; she with a evilily pleasant
smile, trips Kuno and he falls over, in slo-mo. Then she grabs him and stabs him
with her staff and twists his head all the way over until there's a definate
pop. There's a lot of blood on the body and on Sailor Moon herself. Beryl drops
Andrew and starts to walk away.) Woah...I should do this more often!
Beryl: Um...well. This is certainly a setback. Listen, Sailor Moon...you can
have the author back now. Um, (in a high pitch voice) don't kill me, okay? I've
got a couple of kids to pay child support for, okay?
Sailor Moon (steaming mad, looks at her hands, grins): OH, no you don't. (She
winces.) Man, my hands hurt. (Queen Beryl smiles.)
Beyrl: Well, good. I'll just kill you now. (She turns to Andrew.) And I was
going to make you my next Kunzite.
Andrew (moaning): Kunzite? Cool. (slaps himself, winces) Hey, that's my name...
Beyrl: Well, I'm so glad you've finally noticed. Well, what are you gonna do?
Since you've got blood on your hands, You certainly can't...(Her gloating is
interrupted by getting her head sliced off by a very large spatula.)...urk! (She
falls over, blood spilling all over Sailor Moon. Moon looks up. It's Shingo,
Usagi's little brother.)
Sailor Moon: Bro-, er, Shingo, what are you doing here?
Shingo: I'm just protecting you, sis. That's all.
Sailor Moon: B-b-but...how did you know I'm Sailor Moon?
Shingo: Unlike most people, I noticed your face never changed. Besides, I'm
Ukyou's partner, Konastu. That's when I met Pluto. And we exchanged a lot of
things.
Sailor Pluto: Including a video tape of you dancing in the buff, Usagi. (Sailor
Moon blushes.) Oh...we can talk about that later. (Sailor Pluto smiles.)
Sailor Moon: What?! Even my brother has been able to get work elsewhere? But
how? Konastu and you don't look anything you!
Shingo: It's amazing what they can do in makeup these days. Anyway, Setuna gave
me her spatula, and I threw it. Boy, wait until I tell Ukyou about using the
spatula as a javelin.
Andrew (weakly, somehow heal up and looking much, much thinner than before):
It's been done before...
Sailor Moon: OH, no! We forgot about the Author!
Andrew: Why don't you all call me Andrew, instead of the "Author."
Sailor Moon: Well...
Andrew: And we're not in the English DiC "Serena" mode, either, Usagi. Could you
just get to a doctor?
(Sailor Pluto rushes to Andrew's side.)
Pluto: Only if you marry me.
The rest of the Sailors: WHAT?! (Andrew starts to big-sweat. Pluto giggles.)
Sailor Pluto: Well, with Beryl dead, Andrew isn't going to be able to get back
into his world. He's stuck here.
Andrew: Oh, great...I'm stuck in world of fukus...
Sailor Jupiter: Hey, I wanted to marry Andrew! He's got red hair just like me!
Andrew (big-sweating even harder): Um...this wasn't in the script...
Sailor Pluto (smiling): But I know him very well. He's very shy, a lot like
Keiichi. And all the shy guys get the very mature ladies. Why, take a look at
Keiichi. He gets Belldandy. And Dr. Tofu, he gets Kasumi.
Sailor Moon (trying to wipe the blood off herself, without any success): What
about Tenchi?
Sailor Pluto: He eventually gets a girl, ne? In "Tenchi in Love?"
Sailor Jupiter: Well, I think you're full of it! (The two girls start to argue
about Andrew. Andrew just sighs, and crawls out under the two girls. Sailor
Moon goes over to Andrew's right side.)
Sailor Moon (to Andrew): So, how did you get over here in the first place?
Andrew (quietly): Well, I was writing about how Queen Beryl had revived herself
and made herself even smarter than before, and then she somehow pulled me into
the story and attacked me out in the open. She was using me as a means to get
you all.
Sailor Moon: And if that didn't work?
Andrew: Bird seeds, an anvil, and a brick wall to be painted like a highway.
Sailor Chibi-Chibi (still in the blonde hair haystack, along with most of the
Senshis, glances up): Say...what's that? (Suddenly, she, along with the others
senshis and Shingo get hit by a very large anvil.)
Sailor Moon (looking to her right): And that would explain the on coming
train... (A train appears out of a brick wall that's been painted to look like
magnetic train tracks. Sailor Pluto and Sailor Jupiter get run over by a
elevated train, heading left.)
Andrew (sighing): I should have never watched that Road Runner marathon with the
kid I was babysitting last night...(He shakes his head.) But they'll be alright
(winces) unlike me...
Sailor Moon (smiling): Well, you'll be okay. And I'm sure they'll be okay too.
After all, Beryl's meddling with you did make you an anime character now, like
us. Let's get you to a doctor. Did anyone tell you that you remind me of
Furuhata Motoki?
Andrew (sighing): That's because his name is Andrew in the DiC version...and I
do not look anything like him. Maybe I should have tried to smarten *you* up,
Usagi.
Sailor Moon (giggling): Just kidding. Sheeze, just because I'm a blonde does not
make me dumb...(Sailor Moon gets Andrew up and supports him as they walk out
on the promenade.) I didn't get my accounting degree from Harvard for
nothing, you know...say want some birdseed?
[Fin]
Author's notes: This came out of watching the the Sailormoon Stars movie,
against my will, of course. Comments & Criticisms are welcomed. Don't take this
fic too seriously, now.
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