Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY: AniLesboCon 2000.
SCENE: Arisugawa Juri's newly built headquarters. Several
hundred girls wander around the room, all adoring Juri in their own
special way. Juri sits at her desk looking at Takatsuki Shiori who
reads off the guest list. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in
the background.
SHIORI: (Reading.) The entire cast of Sailor Moon, including
Tuxedo Kamen, is here...
JURI: (Blinks.) Tuxedo Kamen? What is he doing here?
SHIORI: (Looks up.) He's the only rare known case of a male
lesbian to exist, Juri-sama. We had to invite him.
JURI: (Puzzles.) Okay... who else has signed in? We've got to
start our opening ceremonies soon. And how are the staff at the
French Le Ramada Inn handling things?
SHIORI: (Looking at the notebook.) So far they seem to be
handling everything pretty well, Juri-sama. Except it seems that all
of the male staff are a little... ehh... stiff.
JURI: (Groans.) I didn't need to hear that, Shiori.
SHIORI: (Sheepish.) Sorry, Juri-sama. Anyway, the casts from
the major series have shown up. Ranma, Tenchi, and Sailor Moon
are all here. Plus the die hard lesbian casted series like Battle
Athletes Victory and Maze are around.
JURI: (Looks thoughtful. Folds her hands by her chin and rests her
chin on them. Looks very Gendo-ish.) And what about both of the
BubbleGum Crisis casts? Original and 2040?
SHIORI: (Laughs nervously.) They're... eh... bonding...
SCENE: Outside of the French Le Ramada Inn. Several known
and suspected, hell even wished, Anime lesbians are gathered in a
large group watching the heated debate between the two BGC
casts and the El Hazard residents.
PRISS #1: (Scowls.) What did you just call me?
PRISS #2: (Smirks.) Poofy hair, because that's what you are,
poofy hair! My hair is all pointy and stylized! You're a hairqueen
rocker from the 80s, I'm updated!
PRISS #1: (Growls.) That's it!
(The two Priss' pounce on each other and start fighting.)
LINNA #2: (Wails.) Priss-samas! Stopppp!
LINNA: #1: (Blinks.) Priss-samas? Oy.
IFURITA: (Stares at Sylia #2.) Sister?
SYLIA #2: (Stares at Ifurita.) Sister!
(Sylia #2 and Ifurita hug as everyone watched bug eyed.)
NENE #1: (Murmurs.) I always wondered if Sylia was a boomer
and now I know the answer.
SYLIA #1: (Scowls.) I'm not a boomer! They are!
NENE #2: (Stares at Nene #1.) Pink hair? Blech.
NENE #1: (Looks to other Nene.) What's wrong with pink hair
can I ask you? It's a fine color.
NENE #2: (Snorts.) Yeah, for evil people and bimbos.
(Before they can start fighting, out of nowhere, Iczer One appears
and pulls apart the two Priss'.)
ICZER ONE: (Holding two Priss' up.) I know of only one way to
best stop this futile arguing. (There is a dramatic pause as everyone
looks at her.) A Karaoke contest.
(There's a loud crash as everyone topples over.)
SHAYLA SHAYLA: (Pipes up.) Sounds good to me!
PRISS #1: (Blinks.) When'd you get here?
SHAYLA: (Scowls.) I've always been here. I just didn't get any
lines. Neither did the Nanami and Afura.
AFURA: (Shrugs casually.) I'm always overlooked and Nanami
left to go sell dental dams to people.
SHAYLA: (Turns red.) TMI, Afura, TMI!
AFURA: (Shrugs again.) Sorry.
SCENE: Main ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn. It's filled to the
rim with Anime lesbians. Juri walks across the stage and takes the
microphone, coughing several times before she begins her
welcoming speech.
JURI: (Coughs. Says magnanimously.) Hello.
(There is a long pause of silence as everyone stares at her.)
SHIORI: (Instantly appears at Juri's side.) Ehm, Juri-sama, I think
they expect a little more than that.
JURI: (Twitches.) Dammit, I hate speeches. You do it.
SHIORI: (Sweatdrops.) All right... (Takes Juri's place in front of
the microphone but before she can say anything the rabid cry of
'goat' is heard several times. On hearing this, Shiori twitches then
shouts.) I am not a goat!!!
(Shiori then stomps off stage leaving Juri alone.)
JURI: (Coughs again. Stands in front of the microphone.) Yes,
well, I appreciate all your support and agree that at times Shiori
can act in the behavior of a goat.
SHIORI: (Offstage.) Screw you, Juri-sama!
JURI: (Laughs suavely.) You wish. (Feeling more confident thanks
to the laughter and several hundred adoring looks she's being
given, Juri continues on in her speech.) The purpose of
AniLesboCon 2000 is to unite Anime lesbians from all their
various series so we might work together in order to seize control
of... well, everything in the known world.
(There is a short pause before everyone cheers loudly.)
JURI: (Coughs and smiles.) I thought you'd like that. And once
we've taken over, we'll vote who our leaders will be in a
democratic fashion. In the meantime, enjoy your stay at the
convention and check out all the various actives we have arranged
along with booths run by other guests.
(Juri then walks off the stage with several cat calls and whistles
following her exit. Shiori is seen seconds later being chased by a
huge mob holding a goat costume.)
SCENE: Lobby of French Le Ramada Inn. Sailor Pluto aka 'Puu'
is sitting in front of a large table that has a sign over it which reads
'Information Girl.'
PUU: (Grumbles.) I'm nearly omnipotent and they have me listed
as information girl! I should granulate them all!
MOKONA: (Nods his head.) Puu, puu, puu! Puu!
PUU: (Looks at Mokona and scowls.) What the hell are you
doing here anyway? You're an Anime thing not an Anime lesbian!
MOKONA: (Appears offended.) Puu, puu, Puu!
PUU: (Eyes widen.) What did you just say to me?!
MOKONA: (Smirks.) Puu puu, puu!
PUU: (Scowls.) Dammit. You have a point there. Well, I guess
you can keep me company since I'm stuck here.
MOKONA: (Nods.) Puu, puu puu, Puu.
PUU: (Looks surprised.) You have an invite to THAT party? I
heard it was really exclusive what with the host being such a chick
magnet and all.
MOKONA: (Suave tones.) Puu puu puu...
PUU: (Blinks.) You're close friends with them? Say... do you
know if her horny clone will be there?
MOKONA: (Shrugs and points.) Puu, puu.
PUU: (Follows Mokona's tiny useless arm to see Nova hanging
out with a bunch of Ayanami Rei's.) Maybe not.
SCENE: Second unmain ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn. The
Karaoke contest is being set up. Both BGC casts along with
several others are seen milling about. Onstage is the Karaoke
contest host, Yanagida Ichino aka Icchan.
ICCHAN: (Scowls.) Why am I in charge of this again?
CROWD: (Gleeful shouts.) Icchan!!
ICCHAN: (Scowls again.) Yeah, yeah. I'm Icchan. (Groans and
takes the microphone.) Welcome to AniLesboCon's Karaoke
contest. I'm your host, Icchan, even though I got no idea why I'm
here. Our first competitors are Priss and... errr... Priss.
(Priss #1 takes stage and begins singing Hurricane Tonight.
Moments later, Priss #2, interrupts with her rendition of the song.
They keep singing until finally, the hostility between them grows so
much that they drop their microphones and start fighting again.)
ICCHAN: (Watches this.) Uhmm... ehh...
CROWD: (Shouts gleefully.) Pick a winner, Icchan!
ICCHAN: (Scratches her head.) Ehhh... Priss wins!
(The entire crowd is silent as they try to figure out just which Priss
has won the contest but before they can ask Icchan which one she
meant, she runs off in a cloud of dust.)
PRISS #1: (Scowls.) That's what we get for making our host a
track star from the future.
PRISS #2: (Shrugs.) At least it wasn't Akari.
PRISS #1: Yeah, I really hate random beams of light.
SCENE: The bowels of the French Le Ramada Inn. Seated
around a cheap looking plastic table are Saotome Ranma, Masaki
Tenchi, male Maze, and Chiba Mamoru. They're all playing go fish
with intense concentration.
RANMA: (Looks at Tenchi.) Do you have any... jacks?
TENCHI: (Smug.) Go fish!
RANMA: (Scowls.) Dammit. (Picks out a card.) So, why are you
guys here anyway? I got dragged along because Tendo-san
doesn't trust Akane to be here alone. Or with Nabiki and the
others.
TENCHI: (Looks sheepish.) Ryoko tied me up again.
RANMA: (Frowns.) And...?
TENCHI: (Finishes irately.) And it's hard to escape once she's tied
me up! She brought me here to learn about my feminine side or
something like that.
MALE MAZE: (Ogling the cards which apparently have naked
Anime girls on them.) I'm here to screw.
RANMA: (Blushes.) Okay... how about you Mamoru?
MAMORU: (Demurely replies.) I'm the only male lesbian in
known existence. I had to come. I'm an anomaly.
RANMA: (Shakes his head.) And I thought I was weird.
SCENE: A lesser ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn. It's the one
where all of the guest booths are set up. From a distance you can
see Washuu's booth and explosions. The ones getting the most
attention though, are side by side, and are being run by Shidou
Hikaru and Tenoh Haruka and are entitled 'How to score with
chicks.'
HARUKA: (Enforces.) I'm telling you the best way to score with a
chick is to show her how suave you are! You gotta charm them
with enigmatic statements and half smiles that don't really tell them
anything!
HIKARU: (Shakes her head.) No, no, no! You've got to be ultra
kawaii, that's how you score! You get them with sugary sweet
statements all the time and seemingly selfless acts that make you
appear like an innocent!
HARUKA: (Eyes widen.) Innocence?! That's not what chicks
want! They want someone who can seduce them. Someone who
seems worldly and full of charm.
HIKARU: (Looks appalled.) That's not what they want! They
want someone to care for and to look after! Then while they're
doing that you boink them!
HARUKA: (Scowls.) All right, that's it. How about we prove
which one of us is right? We'll have a bet. Whoever scores with
the most amount of chicks using their own method by the end of
this contest has the superior way.
HIKARU: (Smirks.) Sounds fine to me. In fact, I think I'll get
started now.
HARUKA: (Nods.) And I as well.
(Both Hikaru and Haruka walk off leaving their respective partners
Ryuuzaki Umi and Kaioh Michiru alone.)
UMI: (Stares at Michiru. Haplessly.) I must say that your hair
seems awfully... wavy today, Kaoih-san.
MICHIRU: (Hapless as well.) And I must say that your hair seems
awfully... straight today, Ryuuzaki-san.
(They stare at each other a moment longer before heading after
Hikaru and Haruka while the crowd watches.)
SCENE: The bar at the French Le Ramada Inn. Himemiya Anthy
sits at it being served booze by the ultimate booze expert
Katsuragi Misato who acts as bartender.
ANTHY: (Downs her shot of tequila.) Ahh... that hits the spot.
(Looks at Misato.) How can you drink just beer?
MISATO: (Frowns and holds up her Sapporo.) Whadya mean?
Beer is the nectar of life I tell ya!
ANTHY: (Shakes her head.) Right... (She frowns.) It's funny. I
keep having this strange nagging feeling that I'm forgetting
something... something important...
MISATO: (Waves her hands.) It's probably nothing. Drink up!
ANTHY: (Takes the shot Misato is offering.) You're probably
right. I bet it's nothing to worry about.
SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena is rapidly falling
down them. As she does so, loud and disturbing bells ring out in
the background. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
UTENA: (Shouts irately.) Dammit! This really sucks!
(As Utena continues to complain the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
AniLesboCon 2000 still be going on?! And is Utena going to keep
falling down the neverending flight of stairs?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"I want to screw you!"
-Maze; Maze-
NANAMI: (Frowns.) This is a very confusing quote. And who
exactly said it? And what series are they from?
MAZE: (Sighs.) I said it and it's my series. Well, I didn't say it, my
male half said it, and the series is named after us.
NANAMI: (Ponders. Slowly.) Oh... I see...
MAZE: (Sighs again.) You don't understand, do you?
NANAMI: (Shakes her head.) Nope, not at all.
MAZE: (Wryly.) That's okay, I don't understand it either.
NANAMI: (Blinks.) Hey, what are you doing here anyway?
You're not part of the regular cast.
MAZE: (Blinks as well.) Uhm... I'm here for AniLesboCon 2000
being held at the French Le Ramada Inn. You don't know about
it? We're all over the news.
NANAMI: (Repeats dimly.) AniwhatCon 2000?
MAZE: (Shakes her head.) This is going to take awhile.
Juri Rules All.
Everyone does and
should love Maze.
Mill can SO get
jiggy wit' it.
-Quotes from me-