C&C Below. No snippage.
MOUTHFUL
by CrazyFic
crazyfic@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: All disclaimers on other fics apply to this one. If by the end
of this fic you feel that you have to bow down before me, I have done my
job. If by the end of this fic you feel that you have to mallet me into a
bloody pulp, I have done my job. If by the end of this fic you feel that I
am so great that you must send me money just so I could hurry up with my
writing, send me an e-mail.... oh yeah, and I have done my job.
Delete this disclaimer and credit Takahashi. Unless, of course,
you *want* to come off as a completely self-indulgent person who
doesn't feel he has to give credit to the person who created the
characters he's using for himself... :/
C&C definitely welcome
Remember, you DID ask for it. :j
*****
Akane, the fiancée with the cute smile, was (for the first time in a long
sp: fiancee
(Replace all your spellings with this one, with no accent. You
used a non-ASCII character that's only visible on the platform
you wrote the story; it looks like junk to everyone else.)
while) feeling great. It had been two weeks since that wedding. The nerve
of that BAKA!!! Actually marrying Ukyou Kuonji! After all they been
This opening feels very awkward. You start by saying
she's happy, but immediately she starts berating Ranma.
That doesn't sound happy to me.
through, all the times they were together and everything she did for him,
the baka turns and marries the 'cute fiancée'. Even after sending him to
the hospital after he made his announcement, Akane wanted to do much more to
him.
But then her father and Mr. Saotome gave her an alternative.
This is the first hole in the your story. I can deal with Ranma
marrying Ukyo for no reason, but why would the parents give the
mirror to Akane instead of using it themselves?
I can't think of one reason why Genma wouldn't just grab
it and say, "I wish my ungrateful son was married to Akane!"
Akane should find the mirror on her own.
(Or steal it from the fathers.)
A wishing mirror. It would give her one wish. That's all she would need.
During the wedding everyone was surprised at how quiet and pleasant she
punc: the wedding, everyone
seemed (an exception was made to when Kuno tried to console her).
suggest: pleasant she appeared.
gram: (She made an exception when
<Fools> she thought. <I'll show them all. Especially those who betrayed me
punc: <Fools,> she thought.
(If you're going to use non-standard delimiters for thoughts
instead of quotes, you still you the same punctuation that
you'd use for quotes.)
in the end. The chef will wish she never met Ranma after I'm through with
suggest: Especially for the two who betrayed me.
(What do you mean by "in the end?")
her. And after I marry Ranma, I'll teach him for turning his back on the
'true fiancée'. Let those two enjoy their honeymoon while they can>
punc: while they can.>
Akane’s mouth cracked an evil-looking smile.
sp: Akane's
(You've used another non-ASCII character here.
There's absolutely no reason not to use an apostrophe.)
Now, after two weeks of following the instructions on the map her father and
Mr. Saotome gave her, she has the wishing mirror in her hand. Now she was
thinking of what to wish for.
tense: Saotome had given her
gram: she had the wishing mirror
suggest: She thought of something to
(Avoid repeated "Now... Now...")
Again, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Two reasons.
First, she was quiet at the wedding because she had a map to
the mirror, and knew she would be able to use it? Despite
her experiences that maps don't necessarily lead to what they
say: e.g. the Japanese Nannichuan.
Second, if she's been seething all this time, why didn't she
already have a wish thought out?
What a bad time to start thinking everything 'awful' Ranma did to her and
stuff not to do with what she initially wanted.
punc: did to her, and
(You've got two complete clauses; separate them with a comma.)
"I can finally have Ranma for my own and get rid of that chef! All those
times he insulted my cooking...I want him to acknowledge food associated
with me as being good. That he would not always call me uncute or such.
suggest: That he would never call me uncute.
(Less awkward.)
That ..." Her thoughts started to get, um..well.... "...he would taste me,
feel me and have me inside of him." Her thoughts started to get emotional.
punc: feel me, and
(Separate the elements in a list with commas.)
"Have me inside him"? Of course, you gave away the ending right
there, because I can't think of any possible reason a girl would
say that. What could she possibly mean?
If it were a lime/lemon, I might expect her to wish that *she*
could feel *Ranma* inside of her, but...
"And that he would stop staying all the stuff he said about my body.
Especially calling me CHICKEN THIGHS!!!!!!"
Nail in the coffin there. I don't see how anyone could
have been surprised by your ending after having read that.
In a fit of rage, Akane finalized her wish.
"Magic mirror, I wish for all I said to happen."
*Granted*
Suddenly everything started to get dark for Akane.
*****
Two Weeks Later At Ucchans
punc: Ucchan's
(Ucchans is many Ucchan. Ucchan's means "belonging to Ucchan".)
Two weeks? What, she's been in a freezer case the whole time?
"Ranchan, we got a package from Akane!"
"Hey, I haven't seen her for a while. What is it?"
After opening the package, Ukyo looks a little surprised. "Umm...it seems
to be a cooked chicken."
sp: Ukyou
(Either spell it Ukyou or Ukyo, but
don't spell it *both* ways in the same fic.)
tense: looked a little surprised
(Narratives are told in the past tense.)
suggest: seems to be a chicken
or: roast chicken
(Who says "cooked chicken"?)
"What are we having for dinner, Mom?"
"Cooked chicken!"
"..."
Ranma was terrified. "You don't think she's trying to poison us for
marrying do you?"
punc: marrying, do you?
Meanwhile, Akane was starting to get out of her unconscious state. {What
happened after I made that wish?} She looks up and notices Ranma. {I'm
actually married to Ranma! We must be getting ready for bed}
punc: ready for bed.}
And why would Akane think that she's married to Ranma and
they're going to bed? That came as a complete non-sequitur.
And what DID happen after she made the wish? For what possible
reason did you make this two weeks later, instead of simply
later that night?
On a technical note, why do you using {} now,
when you were using <> for thoughts?
"Come on Ranchan! I know that you don't actually believe that. And her
punc: on, Ranchan!
(When addressing a person, set their name apart with commas.)
cooking has gotten better lately."
punc: better, lately."
"You're right Ucchan." *sigh* Ranma starts to think of Akane. "I wonder
punc: right, Ucchan."
(Same as above.)
cap: *Sigh*
(Capitalize the first word of a sentence. The fact that it's
a one-word exclamatory sentence doesn't change the rules.)
tense: Ranma started to think
where she is. I mean, I really thought she was cute even when she wasn't
smiling."
punc: cute, even when
{HE DOES THINK I'M CUTE!} Akane starts to feel happy until she realized
tense: started to feel
punc: happy, until
that Ukyo was also in the room. {RANMA! What is that bimbo chef doing
sp: Ukyou
here?!!!!}
punc: here?!
(The repeated exclamation points are unnecessary.)
"Aw Ranchan, does this mean that you're having regrets marrying me?" Ukyo
said, teasing Ranma.
punc: Aw, Ranchan
sp: Ukyou
A big sweat-drop started to form on Ranma's back. "Of course not! You'll
always be my cute wife."
Sweatdrops typically form on the head, not the back.
Did you mean the back of his head?
{RAAANNNNMMMAAAAAA!!!! HOW DARE YOU! AND STOP AVOIDING WHAT I SAY!} Akane
punc: HOW DARE YOU?
(End a question with a question mark.)
then realizes something. She could see everything all around her without
tense: realized
moving. {Ummmm.... what’s going on?}
sp: what's
(Non-ASCII character.)
"Here, I got the knife. Lets eat this chicken. And don't back out
Ranchan."
punc: Let's
(Short for "Let us".)
punc: back out, Ranchan."
Akane notices Ukyo with a knife. {What are you doi..} Suddenly she feels a
sharp sensation. {Ow! What was that?}
tense: she felt a
Ukyo takes a bite of the chicken. "This tastes great! Try some." She
tense: took a bite
gives a piece to Ranma. "Maybe I should save some for later to make chicken
punc: gave a piece
punc: for later, to make
okonomiyaki later on."
suggest: to make chicken okonomiyaki."
(You already said "later.")
Ranma was stunned. "Oh my! It's absolutely delicious! Akane is definitely
getting better at cooking."
Ranma never says "Oh my!" Why is he know?
{Ranma you actually mean that? You actually like my cooking!!! .... Wait
punc: Ranma, you
one moment; I haven't cooked chicken in a while. And why are you still
suggest: a minute
(Who says "wait one moment" in their thoughts?)
ignoring me. At least give me some of the chicken!}
punc: ignoring me?
(End a question with a question mark.)
The last quote was cute. :j
"Here, I'll cut another piece."
This time Akane notices the knife going down on her to cut her up and then a
tense: noticed
suggest: the knife cutting into her, and then a
(As written, you have the knife resting on top of the chicken.)
hand going down to pull out what seems to be a piece of cooked chicken. At
Is Ukyo some sort of animal? She uses a knife to cut the chicken,
puts pulls it off with her bare hands? Has she forgetten how to
use a fork, or chopsticks?
that point all forms of logic in Akane's mind shuts down. {Um Um Um Um Um
Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um Um ......} And
that went on for a while.
"That went on for a while?" I don't even know what "that" was!
It sounds like she's stuttering, trying to think of something
to say.
Meanwhile Ranma notices something of what he's holding and is getting
curious. "Hey Ucchan, what part is this?"
punc: Meanwhile, Ranma
tense: noticed
tense: got curious
suggest: noticed what he was holding, and became curious
(He didn't notice "something of what" he was holding, he noticed
what he was holding. And don't use the word "got" when another
word is appropriate.)
"Oh that? That's the chicken’s thigh."
sp: chicken's
(Non-ASCII character.)
"Oh. Okay." A while later Ranma comes to a realization. "You know, after
tense: came
all this time I probably was wrong in calling Akane 'chicken thighs'."
punc: time, I
cap: Chicken
suggest: wrong to call Akane
When hearing that Akane could just sigh. {At least I can hear that before
I'm gone}
punc: hearing that, Akane
punc: I'm gone.}
suggest: When she heard that, Akane sighed.
{At least I could hear that before I die.}
Ranma, though, wasn't done talking. "Yeah, her thighs are much bigger. I
mean those things are HUGE!"
punc: mean, those
For a moment Ranma was on alert when he thought he could hear something.
punc: moment, Ranma
punc: alert, when
suggest: hear a voice.
{RANMA NO BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!}
Thinking that it's not much Ranma just shrugged his shoulders and took
another mouthful of chicken.
tense: that it wasn't much
punc: much, Ranma
suggest: Thinking nothing of it, Ranma shrugged
his shoulders and took another bite.
THE END
*****
Notes:
If I see another commercial for "Chicken Run" I'm going to crack.
Oh yeah, another thing. If you're an Akane such that you kiss the ground
she walks on, feels that she should always get Ranma and have a happy life,
or to the extent that you have dreams of being in bed with her.... you
probably shouldn't have read this far. Then again some of you probably
would have wanted to be the one who received that package.
If you're going to bother to make a
statement like this, put it at the top.
----
At the core, you had something that might have been an interesting
idea, but you handled it very poorly.
There were grammar, punctuation, and tense problems everywhere.
The language was awkward. There were inconsistencies, non-sequiturs,
and sections that just didn't make sense.
The technical points are easy to fix. I've provided or suggested
corrections for most of them. As for awkward language, try reading
the story out loud. If it doesn't sound natural, change it.
You will, however, have to decide what to do with the other parts.
If the fathers got the mirror, why did they give it to her instead
of making the wish themselves? Did Akane get the mirror before or
after the wedding? When did she think of her wish? If she knew
about the mirror before she actually got it, why didn't she think
of a wish ahead of time? Why was it two weeks before she showed
up at Ucchan's?
And most importantly, you have to change the wording of the wish.
Get rid of the "have me inside him," and replace it with something
that makes sense. Good luck,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"