----- Original Message -----
From: "D.F. Roeder" <dfroeder@flash.net>
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>; "Kevin D. Hammel" <kevinsff@pacbell.net>
Sent: Saturday, June 17, 2000 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: [FFML] [FF][xover][Ranma/SM] Honor and Love 9
Doug beat me to the draw on this one ^_^, but since I was already a good
ways
into it when I had to break, I'll just continue in the same vein. Ignore
any
repeated commentary.
...
He knew she would be waiting for him... Usako. It had only been a
few weeks, but he could sense the longing in his girlfriend's heart
that steadily increased with each phone call they had exchanged.
The switch in his thinking from 'Mother' to Usako jars me somewhat. The
next
to last paragraph ends with 'Mother', and the next begins with "He knew
she
would be waiting for him", at which point I'm assuming you're speaking of
'Mother'. The "...Usako." comes out of nowhere.
Okay.. I was trying to portray shifting gears, but I might need to
go at it differently.
...
Suddenly, a suitcase seemed to materialize in Usagi's path, sending
her flying the last meter or two into Mamoru's arms. With a more
emphatic reprise of her name,
This lost me. Reprise?
She's not clumsy... Things just seem to materialize
in front of her...
...
began
with a swallow. "Yesterday at school, a really nice girl gave me
some tips on how to attract guys." He closed his eyes... it was hard
to continue. His lip trembled as he struggled with what to say next.
A warm embrace loosened his tongue.
This seems out of place because Ranma doesn't say anything right after it.
DOH!
...
Nodoka gaped. She had never seen the change up close. It was
amazing, and a bit unsettling, considering it was happening to her
son. When it was over, she took a close look at the diminutive
Sailor Senshi. Would she have ever approved of a daughter dressed
that way? The skirt was AWFULLY short on his ersatz school uniform.
But he did have to perform martial arts in it, and a kimono just
wouldn't do for that. "Ran..."
Did you intend the masculine forms in the previous two sentences? Some
writers
do.
Yes (Nodoka's POV), but I'm thinking of junking this, and the
other 'needless' transformation scene (Callisto) as a result of C&C
and reflection...
...
Ami replied with a small smile.
Turing to Naru, she continued.
This is a minor nit, but I notice you use this action+'continued'
construction
a lot. Consider tightening those up with just the action. Since we're in
the
same paragraph, the 'continued' is superfluous:
Thanks for the tip...
...
"Okay," Naru said as she stood. She summoned her henshin pen, then
with a call of "Callisto Lumina Power! Make up!" She
she (auto-correct getting you here? :)
No, I have a real hard time with prose speech.
...
she was also a boy who was concerned about the lie that
was Kikuko, and how it might change him. He felt that if Kikuko went
on much longer, there would only be Kikuko. That Ranma would become
the lie, or maybe just memory of what she had been. And she couldn't
be for Mako-chan what her heart wanted to be if... she became Kikuko
for real.
ZING! There's the rub, aye.
Is it HAPENING? No. Is Ranma scared? Yes.
...
be
the size of four
of the others!" She excitedly continued.
Last sentence redundant. Suggest dropping it.
Another bad habit.. sigh. Thanks for pointing it out!
...
Sailor Ganymede thought of her battle spatula and, like in her
dream, a version materialized in her hands. With a shout, she swung
at the monster, then dodged metallic shards as the weapon shattered
on the creature's tough hide.
LOL! Well, live and learn, I guess. ^_^
:)
...
Mercury looked over at Charon, who was at the center of a cold,
black conflagration. The Neo Senshi had a terrifying smile on her
face as she pirouetted once, then raised both hands and shouted, "I
call upon the power of Charon to hasten your departure from this
plane. Let this be your... Death Knell!"
Hehehe. A little wordy, but this *is* BSSM. ^_^
I might try to rephrase... But more than one said it was an appropriate
speech.
...
sucking light, heat, and life from the air as it passed.
After a black explosion, the beast's body again quivered, but could
not shake off a huge hole in its side.
Um, how do you shake off a hole? Suggest: ...but could not regenerate (?)
from
the huge hole in its side.
Doh! Good point!
Or maybe you meant: ...could not shake off the effects of a huge hole in
its
side.
Yeah, yeah. That's it!
...
A flash of silver announced a new arrival on a rooftop. It was a
young man dressed in black. Unlike Tuxedo Kamen, he was dressed in
the manner of a bygone era, more like an outlandish Spanish colonial
Don.
He should fit right in. ^_^
Blame Kenko, but.. you're right!
The dashing young man glanced at the small card that held a flowery
speech, then tossed it aside
Oh, no! A team member with some sense! ARGH! The Negaverse is DOOMED!
(Beryl
takes a gun and shoots herself. Unfortunately, it did no damage.) ARGH!!
:P
Good one... Kunou: Of course, the truly gifted have no need for such
contrivance as a card...
...
Sailor Senshi. With a wave, he turned
and was gone in a flurry of silver.
in a flurry of silver petals(?).
Hmmm.. I like is as is, but I'll think about it.
...
"Wow, he's dreamy," Jupiter whispered, caught up in the romance left
in the mysterious stranger's wake of silver petals.
Oh. Well, now it's redundant. Suggest keeping the petals and dropping one
instance of the description.
Will work on this section. Thanks!
"Yes, he sure is."
"Yes, he sure is."
is,"
Mercury answered.
BTW, I'll probably add the little 'coefficient of dreaminess' skit
here 'bouts...
...
Having seen a later chapter, it was nice to get some of the interim
material
that I hadn't read. Things move apace. I look forward to chapter 10. Good
job,
Kev.
Thanks for taking the time to C&C, Dave...
Kevin D. Hammel
========================================
khammel@mail.anime.sobhrach.com
kevinsff@pacbell.net
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~khammel/
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