At 12:15 AM 6/19/00 GMT, you wrote:
STALLION
Chapter 1.
Calm before the storm
Well, duh.
Akane Tendo was never a gluton,
glutton
but she knew how to appreciate a good meal,
despite the fact that herself couldn't make one even if her life depended on
it. So it was no wonder that she was woken up by the fragnance
fragrance
that
DESCRIBED the word "delicious." A meal had that kind of effect on the
people
Which people?
when either Kasumi or Nodoka was the one making it.
Akane was walking down the hallway, yawning once in a while, when she found
that the door of the Saotome men's open.
when she found the door to the Saotomes' room open.
A frown came to Akane's face. Ranma rarely woke up so early. It had been
more than a year since the pig-tailed martial aritist
artist
came to her house and
not even once he woke up before her. It was always either her spalshing
splashing
Akane made her way to the downstair.
made her way downstairs.
She sighed as she opened the gate, and began her jog.
No comma in this sentence.
It was a perfect
summer day for the jogging.
The jogging?
I'm guessing, just offhand, that Spanish is your first language, not
English. In English you don't need to use articles ('a', 'an,' 'the') as
much as you do in Spanish or other Latin languages.
It didn't take long for Akane to notice some subtle changes in Ranma's
behaviour in last two months. It was very gradual at first so not many
realized it. However now everyone with even a hint of logic in their mind
was very concerned about Ranma. Needless to say, no member of Kuno family
was worried.
If it's needless to say it, why say it?
Maybe something like, "The Kunos, of course, weren't worried at all."
More impartantly, he even stopped accepting free FOODS!!!
Use the singular for this application. When speaking of food in the
abstract, use the singular; only use the plural form when referring to a
group of specific kinds of food.
It was a shock to
everyone in the class when Ranma said "no" to Shampoo's free ramen. Ukyou
was so shocked that she even tried to convince Ranma to EAT the ramen.
Shampoo couldn't handle the shock that she fainted.
Shampoo fainted, unable to handle the shock of Ranma refusing food.
A sigh escaped her mouth as she watched Ranma who was now just a peck
speck
She had to admit though. Her reflex was getting the better of her.
She had to admit her reflexes were getting the better of her.
She
suspected that her subconsciousness
subconscious
was getting more stressful
more stressed
Despite the popular beliefs,
Contrary to popular belief,
Akane was NOT a violent person. Sure, she did
beat up Ranma once in a while. Sure, she used to beat up all those boys at
Frinkan
Furinkan
With all those things happening so fast it was wonder I didn't go crazy yet,
it's a wonder I haven't gone crazy yet,
'I should have known better than to treat Usagi, especially it was ice
cream.'
especially to ice cream.
Chiba Mamoru was not a cheap person. But whenever Usagi was concerned,
eating cost a lot. If she married Bill Gates he would have gone bankrupt
Mixing tenses.
If she married Bill Gates, he would go bankrupt in a week.
Rarely it happened, but the question the Moon Princess asked had the Sensei
Sensei = teacher
Sempai = Upperclassman, mentor
Senshi = Soldier, scout, warrior
The girls are the Sailor Senshi.
"Because I need all the helps I can get."
The plural of help is "help."
Suddenly the Sensei's couldn't help but feel a littel
little
"No matter how reliable you think I am, I also have my limit on my power.
either
I also have a limit on my power.
or
I also have my limits.
They came to the downtown today to have some fun, or in plain Tenchi Muyo
terms,
The terms aren't very 'plain.' Try 'or more importantly'.
Also, unless the characters are aware of their anime-chara status, it's not
usually a good idea to mention their source within the body of the story.
to escape the never-ending-Ryoko-vs-Ayeka-Live! at home. True, it
took them more than an hour in a bus. But Tenchi must say, it was worth it.
Tenchi's not saying it.
"But Tenchi had to admit, it was worth it."
Normally if he was to go
if he went
anywhere Ryoko would try to go with him. Then
Ayeka would intervene, soon a sure fight would follow.
and soon a fight would follow.
Then the plan for an
entire day would be up in the smoke because he and the rest of the household
would have to either clean up the mess or too injured to do anything.
would spend all day cleaning up the mess, if they weren't too injured to do
anything at all.
Many
times he was the latter.
Many times it was the latter.
Today had been lucky.
Today Tenchi got lucky.
Ryoko and Ayeka had an early fight and knocked each
other cold. Mihoshi volunteered to the job of tending them,
Mihoshi volunteered to take care of them,
Tenchi shuttered
shuddered
as he remembered the last time he was in Washu's lab. It
was fortunate Washu could make a chiropracticing
chiropractic
"Tenchi-niichan!!"
"Oops. Sorry, Sasami-chan. I am coming, I am coming!"
I'm coming, I'm coming!
"Sure, I am in for some good ice cream myself."
"Sure, I'd like some
or
"Sure, I could go for some
"It's okay, Belldandy. She is right though. This is a kind of matter only
you goddesses can solve. I'll be nothing but burden."
but a burden.
The trifle went over between
I'm not even going to try to correct this. Let's just say it makes no sense.
Urd smirked then turned towards her other sister.
Belldandy was frowning, deep in thought. In confusion, Urd asked.
Confused, Urd asked, "Belldandy, what's wrong?"
Now Urd was in deeper confusion.
Urd was even more confused.
would have made its move by now. But it didn't. But if it was one with
good heart, why did our father hide about it?"
why did our father conceal it?
With Skuld walking away, Keiichi finally did something he hadn't been doing
for last 5 minutes. Breathing.
Keiichi finally did something he hadn't for at least five minutes... he
breathed.
The Inner's?
Inners
Setsuna's eyes shot up. There was some serious power approaching them.
Instinctly she turned her head towards the door.
Just then the door opened.
Entered the powerful beings. A boy of late teen, and a girl of around 12.
Um, try again, something like:
Setsuna's head shot up. Her senses screamed to her that some serious power
was nearby, approaching them. Her gaze shot to the door as it opened to
admit a young man in his late teens and a girl of about ten or twelve. To
Setsuna's eyes, they radiated power.
The tricks I'm using involve improving the flow by putting several sentence
fragments together into longer sentences, using active and descriptive
verbs instead of 'was', and dropping excess adverbs. These are basic
tricks, but with practice they can really help your writing.
By then the Outer's noticed the change in Setsuna and also turned their
attention to the door. But all they could see was a giggling girl hanging
onto a boy's arm, probably her brother or something. There seemed to be
nothing special about them.
But Setsuna could feel it. The enormous power
But Setsuna could feel the enormous power
BTW, as a general rule you aren't supposed to begin a sentence with a
conjunction ('and,' 'or', 'but'). You can do it on occasion, but using it
twice in three sentences' space is not a good thing. I'd recommend
eliminating the first one.
By now the Inner's turned their heads too.
Now the Inners turned their heads, too.
Even Usagi and Rei stopped their
fighting as all of their friends seemed to pay their attention
to pay attention
Mamoru was staring at him too,
Mamoru stared at him too,
As the clerk behind the counter busily scooped up an ice cream cone, Tenchi
smiled as Sasami practically drooled looking at it.
This is an example of an excess adverb. Adverbs can kill. I'd suggest
deleting both 'busily' and 'practically.'
The place he lived
didn't have many shops around so he had very few chance
very few chances
Tenchi was the lone child.
Tenchi was an only child.
But among all those occupants in the house, Sasami was
the only one who he could feel as a normal family.
the only one with whom he could feel like part of a normal family.
All Tenchi could do was to send him sympathetic glance. A poor man alone in
a bunch of girls. Whoever the man was, Tenchi felt his pain.
Thank you, Tenchi Clinton. }:-{D
The young princess was waving at him from a table near the window. Without
a hesistation
Without hesitation,
Then she turned back at glaring at the boy.
Then she resumed glaring
or
Then she turned back to glaring
By now everyone was confused. The boy seemed to be nothing special, if not
a caring brother.
The boy seemed to be nothing more than a caring brother.
Quietly the Guardian of the Time Gate turned her gaze at Minako. Without a
single word was coming out of her mouth, but the look in her eyes were
telling more than Minako wanted to hear.
the look in her eyes told Minako more than she wanted to hear.
The Princess Usagi who could rule a galaxy if she could rule with her
stomache.
stomach
In her lab, Washu was typing frantically as she watched the screen. On the
screen there were nine female and a male sitting around a table.
nine females
"Mini mini mani mo... huh? There are another power source?!
There are other power sources?
or
There's another power source?
"What's wrong, kiddo? Your ice cream's only feets 'way."
Your ice cream's only a few feet away.
Just outside of the shop, a pigtailed boy in his late teen, in another word,
Ranma Saotome was walking by(3).
in other words
Ranma was rather in foul mood.
Ranma was in a foul mood.
He was waken up by rather nasty nightmare,
by a rather nasty nightmare
Hole. The word made him stopped in the middle of a street, as it reminded
the nightmare he had last night.
The word made him freeze in the middle of the street as he remembered the
nightmare he'd had last night.
'He was... he was... '
The shop was right there, and he had some spare changes in his
pocket.
and he had some spare change in his pocket.
At hearing this, everyone at the table was now on their feet, even Setsuna.
This brought the attenion
This caught the attention
The three goddesses of the Norn
The three Norns
They could feel
the concentrated supernaturaly power in this place,
the concentrated supernatural power
Unknown to the goddesses, a ray of smoke began to rise from the
a wisp of smoke
or
a trail of smoke
or
a column of smoke
Not a bad concept. I'll keep watching, but can't say I'll keep C&Cing.
Redneck
Kris Overstreet, aka Redneck Gaijin
publisher, White Lightning Prod. - www.wlpcomics.com
I ***LOATHE*** Microsoft Outlook. Please get Eudora.