Thanks for taking the time to do this.
Sorry, my mouse died just as I was finishing this. I will send as is
(if I can...)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Douglas MacDougall" <dougmacd@dougmacd.net>
To: "Kevin D. Hammel" <kevinsff@pacbell.net>
Cc: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Friday, June 16, 2000 6:35 PM
Subject: [FFML] [C&C][xover][Ranma/SM] Honor and Love 9
C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
(This was taken from the webpage, and might
differ from what was posted on the FFML.)
Actually, it's exactly the same... But will be different after I
address your excellent C&C... I'll cut the punctuation
corrections (for which I am grateful...) and concentrate on the
other commentary...
** WARNING ***
I discuss future plot elements in the course of this response.
[...]
"Your heart spoke true when you realized the power, MY power was
more than you could possibly use. So, I wish to offer another a
position as your apprentice. A squire to your knight." Then the
warmth changed a bit to become more of a motherly concern. "With
your permission, of course."
She said, after already having split if off for someone else...
[rolls eyes]
Hmm... I need to think about this.
[...]
(You seem to be using the word "but" quite a bit. You might want
to consider changing the structure of some of your sentences to
remove them, and add a little variety.)
Thanks for the suggestion.
For the record, this whole planets-talking-to-people-in-their-
dreams is a real turn-off for me. It has no precedent in Sailor
Moon or Ranma, and feels completely unnecessary.
I'm sorry, thank you for sticking to it this long. Yes, there is
no precident for it in either series, but I chose to use this
mechanism to allow for a new group to statrt up without being
reincarnated Silver Millennium personages.
Plus, it runs against the premise of Sailor Moon. The girls
haven't been given the power by anyone (any planet); they
took it upon themselves to protect their friends and world.
But in the 20th century, they already HAD the power. At
one point, in the Silver Millennium, they must have made some
sort of commitment to someone. Once the characters are
granted their power, the spirits don't show up any more.
I realize you're not about to change this -- it's integral to
what you've already written in previous parts, but I wanted to
make my opinion known. What I like, I like *despite* this
planet stuff.
Again, I apologize, but this is the mechanism I chose for
them to get the power.
[...]
Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Publication Rights are
held by Viz in The US and Shogakukan in Japan. Sailor Moon is
property of Naoko Takeuchi. Publication rights held by Kodansha Ltd.
in Japan and Mixx Entertainment in the US. My purpose is to honor
these creators and their works. No infringement intended.
Out of curiosity, does this mean that you're only using the manga
continuities? I notice that you didn't credit Kitty TV and whoever
did Sailor Moon.
I shall work on the disclaimer, thanks for pointing that out.
[...]
His speculations on the meaning of his dreams came to an abrupt end
upon hearing the cry of his girlfriend. The young man's face was lit
with a smile as he dodged a few slower-moving passengers to reach
his, "Usako!"
suggest: of his dream
(You're referring only to the incident on the plane, right?
Yes...
It sound like you're referring to his lifelong dreams...)
Okay. I'll reword.
[...]
After many pounding heartbeats, Usagi let Mamoru go, then spoke to
her love with unaccustomed gravity. "Mamo-chan, a lot's happened
since you left." As she continued, she glanced at Naru, "And Naru-
chan here is a big part of it."
Chan chan chan. It's times like this I'm glad I
don't live in a society with politeness suffixes. :p
okay...
[...]
In the living room of the Saotome house in Juuban, Ranma, his
mother, and the three Tendou sisters gathered after their Sunday
morning meal.
I have to wonder if there's even room for all of them in that
house. It has to be cramped.
In chapter 10 (VERY beta right now) I mention all three sisters
share a room. They are here for a reason, not to live in comfort.
[...]
Ranma nodded and shook his head to show his understanding. "Pop had
my head all screwed up when it came to girls, mom. And you figured
out a way to try an' fix that. So, 'Kikuko' went to school... And
studied hard... And made new friends... And likes the way things are
going right now. The problem is... Ranma NEVER did any of that.
Please don't forget I'm a guy. Or did you decide you wanted a
daughter, Mom?"
Huh? *Ranma's* the one that went all gung-ho on being "Kikuko."
Even to the extent of telling Nodoka to *address* him as such
when he's a girl.
He's having second thoughts after episodes 7 and 8. Since 8
was first person from Naru's viewpoint, Ranma hasn't had a
chance to verbalize his thoughts until now.
Nodoka has already made it clear that she didn't want a daughter,
and never intended for that. It was one thing that made this
stand out from the typical Nodoka-tries-to-make-Ranma-a-girl
story.
And she still feels that way. Ranma is just concerned right now,
Naru really shook him up. Offers of makeup tips and help
snagging a boyfriend aren't things she really wants.
Although you did fail to take it to it's logical conclusion.
Nodoka was worried that she had pushed Ranma too far, but she
didn't *do* anything about it. If she made Ranma be a girl to
show they aren't bad, she logically should have made him turn
back to a boy to show *they* aren't bad.
Agreed. They have (yet another) confrontation over this in the
next chapter.
You started to touch upon it with Mokoto's date, but I don't
feel it went far enough.
Thanks. To be honest, I wanted to end the 'Kikuko' plotline in 10,
but couldn't do it in a way I found satisfactory. I do intend to end it
soon, though.
Actually, I think I may have come up with a mechanism just now...
[...]
Ranma shook his head in the negative as he responded. "I use to, but
I have my reasons to... live with it."
Nodoka smiled knowingly. "Like your alternate identity."
Ranma stepped back from his mother, recalled his pen, and then
transformed. He knew his mother knew, after all.
Uh... What was the point of that? Nodoka already made
it clear that she knows; what the point of demonstrating?
Especially when they're worried about the pens. Transforming
just for the heck of it seems like an exceedingly dumb idea...
Good idea. I never like the rest of this scene anyway.
[...]
At the edge of the solar system, an observer took note. There were a
few things Charon, and the Neo Senshi, would need to fulfill their
destiny. A thought, a concealed connection, and it was done.
punc: Charon and the Neo Senshi would
(No Need For Commas!)
or: Charon -- and the Neo Senshi -- would
Okay.
[...]
After Ami had fulfilled her duty as hostess by providing a plate of
cookies and four glasses of lemonade, she sat down at the table to
join her guests.
It's a hostess' duty to supply cookies and lemonade? :/
I'll have to reword, I guess...
[...]
"I think we were, Usagi chan." Ami replied with a small smile.
Turing to Naru, she continued. "Naru-chan, perhaps you could
demonstrate your new abilities for Chiba-san?"
Again, I fail to see the point. She could just say who
she is. None of the Sailor Senshi have ever transformed
to show who they were, before.
Okay.. Another useless transformation will be excised.
[...]
"Let's see Io, Europa, Ganymede, Callisto, Titan, Triton, and
Charon. That makes seven... at least so far." Usagi replied as she
counted the Neo Senshi off on her fingers.
gram: Let's see. There's Io,
(Otherwise she's saying "Let's see them!")
How about: see... Io, etc?
"Seven? I don't remember Senshi of moons before. I wonder why there
are some now?" He asked with a puzzled expression.
"And what'll happen to them in the future? They weren't present
to protect you from the Black Moon in the future..."
"I dunno," Usagi replied with a shrug of her shoulders. Her
expression became a lot more serious as she contained. "And all the
Senshi that use henshin pens have a problem too."
word: as she continued.
(I think that's what you meant.)
"The Senshi that use henshin pens?" Isn't that everyone
except Usagi? Why doesn't she say "the others," then?
Good point. I'll fix.
[...]
Mamoru listened carefully as the situation was laid out before him.
"I see," he said at last. He wondered if he should mention his
dream? No, that was for when he actually knew what it meant.
Well, at least you're keeping him consistent about
keeping potentially useful information to himself. :j
For now, at least. I feel he wants to understand first...
[...]
Ranma looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had never really
had a room, let alone a mirror, before. The girl who looked back was
both familiar and strange. She put a hand to a cheek, noticing
softness to both that was still hard to accept. Then, she extended
that same hand to the mirror's glass surface until the hand and its
reflection touched at the interface of fantasy and reality.
Never had a room before? What about the previous eight parts
of this story?! Nodoka hadn't shown poor Ranma his room? ;_;
She moved in here, perhaps?
The girl in the mirror cared about school, but still was a martial
artist. Though it wasn't a school day, she wore her Juuban High
girl's uniform. And she actually liked the way it looked on her. The
girl had friends and a mother who loved her. She was also a Sailor
Senshi, and had sent more than one horrible creature back to the
Hell that spawned it.
Hmm, yes, about that. Why on Earth are tentacled things attacking?
They have no place in Sailor Moon or Ranma. In Sailor Moon, the
monsters were always humanoids, or animated everyday things that
often became humanoid. And the monsters in Ranma were always silly.
When I read a Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover, I expect elements
from each, but the tone of this is alien to both series.
I don't know what to say.
[...]
Nabiki smirked in response. "I really should charge for it, but I
figured you'd say that. Makoto invited all three of us to visit her
place to... uh... talk things over. You game?"
She should really charge for what?
I need to flesh this out a bit. Thanks for the suggestion.
[...]
With her own house in capable hands, a woman on the sunny side of
middle age labored now to care for another dwelling. Slowly
exhaling, she celebrated finally reaching the last room. A decade
ago, 'their' would have described it, but now 'his' was all that
could be truthfully used. The other word had vanished into a painful
night ten years ago.
That sounded horribly awkward.
suggest: A decade ago, she would have described it as "their"
room, but now it would have been more truthful to call it
"his."
This confused the heck out of me. Why would Genma have a
separate bedroom? They were married, for goodness sake!
(And slept with each other!)
The room count for this house just keeps going up and up...
She does housekeeping at the Tendou home (as was agreed in
7). I was trying not to be too explicit, but perhaps I got too
cute for my own good here.
Anyway, the scene starts out thus:
With her own house in capable hands, a woman on the sunny side of
middle age labored now to care for another dwelling.
[...]
Ranma's marriage to one of his daughters would do just that. But was
there another way? It was something that he had never considered.
Hmm. I hope you don't use this as an easy way to get out of dealing
with the tension between Soun and his daughters, and their (or at
least Akane's) problems with Ranma.
I will cut this paragraph.
[...]
He was so weary; he just collapsed on the bed. Sleep quickly after
that as fatigue from the day's activities claimed his consciousness
and awakened him to dreamtime.
gram: He slept soon after that
punc: after that, as fatigue
suggest: to (his) dreams.
(What the heck is dreamtime?)
What happens when you sleep and dream. Perhaps I was trying to get
cute again and failed.. oh well...
[...]
"Who are you? And where are you?" He asked the unknown speaker.
"I am your mother, and the mother of all who roam my surface, my
son. I have searched for a noble heart and soul to assist my Knight
in his struggle against the Darkness."
"I was jealous of your birth parents, so I had them killed..."
suggest: assist my Prince
('Cause that's what he is. Jedite and the gang were knights.)
OOPS! Good catch. Indeed he is a prince. I'm chagrined not to
have written THAT right.
[...]
The three Tendou sisters joined Ami, Haruka, Kikuko, Makoto, and
Naru at the Saotome home for morning practice. It seemed that
neither Usagi nor Minako could pull themselves out of bed, again, so
it was just the usual group. Still, such a collection of super-
powered schoolgirls was bound to attract trouble.
I'm glad you stuck with Usagi and Minako's sleeping habits,
rather then force them into the "big happy martial arts training."
Although I wonder where they're training. Out in the yard?
This being Tokyo, the house can't be that big.
Well... uh... hmm... I dunno.
With a hum then a deafening crash, a lightning bolt impacted in the
center of the street. And in that moment, predawn darkness became
noontime for a few instants. As their vision returned, a blue bubble
expanded to become far larger than any they had previously seen.
"I'm Glinda, the Good Witch of the East..."
[...]
And it was just as the smallest Sailor Senshi described, sort of
like four of their previous, tentacle-wielding opponents welded
together.
Wouldn't Hotaru (or Chibi-Usa) be the smallest Sailor Senshi?
OOPS again.
Charon blinked a few moments as her friends became rainbow colored
with digital number on each brightly hued person. The readings
changed rapidly as her teammates scrambled to attack the creature.
You need a score card to figure out just who the heck everyone is
supposed to be. Biles has the same problem with his Ranma/Sailor
Moon crossover.
I guess. As a prereader, I know who they all are.
Would it be a good idea to print a 'scorecaerd' in the author's
notes each installment?
Am I supposed to remember who all the moons are supposed to be?
You need to refer to them by physical description and/or personality,
and give us a hint as to who's who. Or have them speak something
characteristic.
You don't have the benefit of the "civilian identity" looking
exactly like the Scout form. As soon as you change the name you
use to refer to them, it's a different person, for all we know.
I need to think this over. I think some of them are identifiable by
their behavior and speech patterns.
[...]
"Ganymede!" Io and Jupiter gasped in unison.
Sailor Ganymede thought of her battle spatula and, like in her
dream, a version materialized in her hands.
This is a good example. From the spatula,
it's clear that Ganymede is Ukyo.
[...]
"HE?" Europa asked incredulously. "Uh, Io-chan, He's a girl, just
look!"
Do the Sailor Senshi really refer to each other with
"<Planet>-chan"? I'll admit I don't know what they
said in the original, but I can't see a Senshi saying,
"Use your Burning Mandala, Marsie!" ^_^;
Maybe I'll restrict -chan to certain senshi. Titan is a good
candidate...
[...]
Mercury looked over at Charon, who was at the center of a cold,
black conflagration. The Neo Senshi had a terrifying smile on her
face as she pirouetted once, then raised both hands and shouted, "I
call upon the power of Charon to hasten your departure from this
plane. Let this be your... Death Knell!"
Good combo of speech and attack name.
Quite fitting for Charon. :j
Thanks.
[...]
"Who put YOU in charge, Callisto?" Europa asked as she wound up for
a new attack.
"We're the Senshi of Jupiter's moons. I think we make a great team."
Callisto answered with confidence.
For the record, I've already forgotten who Callisto is...
Naru.
[...]
The dashing young man glanced at the small card that held a flowery
speech, then tossed it aside with a shout of, "Callisto!" echoing
Ganymede's cry. He then hurled a silver rose at the arm's base. With
an explosion of silver flower petals, the tentacle broke loose,
dropping Callisto.
A silver rose? :/ Sounds like goofy one-upsmanship over Tuxedo
Mask. Why not use a normal rose, or some different flower.
Sorry. This was a 'donation' from another writer. I try to honor the
author's concept of such a charatcer as best I can.
[...]
But Callisto's attention was elsewhere, as her eyes locked on those
of her heroic savior. She could feel the warmth of a furious flush
on her face, and even more heat between the two of them.
Are you sure that's not just Io's heat powers leaking? :j
:)
"Thank you, kind sir!" She shouted as she gave a slight bow, then
looked up to lock her eyes anew her benefactor. She was in Heaven
for a few moments, and then abruptly plunged into Hell.
Suddenly, she ripped her eyes away, and buried her face in her
white-gloved hands. "Umino!" Callisto... Naru... whispered. And her
love for her classmate clashed with her gratitude and admiration for
this handsome new man... as her heart was torn in two. "Umino..."
She whispered again.
How exactly is this being "plunged into hell"? I can see her being
worried by indecision or guilt, but it's hardly something she'd pay
attention to in battle.
Perhaps I got a bit dramatic, but I sort of like the idea of this
happening in the middle of battle... Also, Callisto isn't a trained
fighter.
[...]
"Wow, he's dreamy," Jupiter whispered, caught up in the romance left
in the mysterious stranger's wake of silver petals.
"Yes, he sure is." Mercury answered.
"He has a coefficient of dreaminess of 0.87!"
Hmm... I wonder if I should USE this line?
"He has a coefficient of dreaminess of 0.87!" Mercury said with a
smile and a wink for her teammate. She turned as she felt a finger tap
her shoulder.
"Actually, I get a reading of .74," Charon replied with a bit of
a smirk.
"Are you sure about that?" Mercury asked, hands on her hips,
smile on her face. "I think you might need to calibrate your
instrumentation."
"Touche, Mercury." Charon said with a brief bow.
"So... Who was right?" Sailor Moon innocently asked.
Charon and Mercury both replied with laughs and
mirrored shrugs.
Usagi blinked a couple of times.
Callisto, who had been struck dumb, finally whispered another
trembling, "Umino. Oh, no. I... I'm so sorry." Tears fell as she
considered the plight her sundered heart had put her in.
What plight? [smacks head] Ignoring the fact that there's a 99%
chance that the guy *is* Umino, Naru hasn't been unfaithful to him!
What's the deal?
I could handle her behavior, if at least someone else pointed
out how goofy she was acting. Makoto, Minako, and Usagi all
seem like good candidates.
Okay. Will do.
[...]
Jupiter enfolded the small girl in a hug, her flush becoming
evermore pronounced by the second. "Io-chan. I don't care what you
look like, you're still a darn good fighter." She let go to take a
couple of steps back to appraise the other girl. "'Sides, Sailor Io
needs to be a great martial artist, and you're the best I've ever
seen."
Has there been any evidence that anyone needs to be a great martial
artist? In fact, didn't Ganymede demonstrate how martial arts
*don't* help? They all used magical attacks, and they're
supernaturally tough.
Well, not yet. but I might excise this bit too...
[...]
========================================
khammel@anime.sobhrach.com
kevinsff@pacbell.net
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~khammel/
========================================
I *strongly* recommend putting a link to previous parts at the *top*
of the story. Not everyone will start to read a story if the first
part they've seen is nine, and not everyone will check the bottom
for a URL.
Sorry. I will do so in the future.
----
Okay, quite a bit of the behavior in this part confuses the heck out
of me. Like why Naru had a mental breakdown, and why everyone
transformed to show off their new duds.
The excess transformations will be cut. That was an excellent
suggestion.
I notice the "white dot" element was completely ignored after you
introduced it. Shouldn't Ami at least have checked to see whether
the effect had spread before/after she transformed on her pen to
fight the monster?
GOOD suggeastion. As I see it, the effect is scarcely noticible,
except under close examination. BUT Ami/Mercury WOULD
examine things and keep records. Thank you.
The grammar's pretty good, but the language is a bit awkward.
There were a few repetitive sections, and the sentences don't flow
as well as I think they could.
Thanks. I'll try to fix.
At part nine, you've had time to have a single episode to showcase
each new scout, plus a couple leftovers. Which leaves me wondering,
where are you going with this? You've only *barely* touched on the
"bad guy."
The bad guy's lieutenant has some crucial scenes in 10.
In short, I don't see where the story is going. Hopefully things
will be cleared up.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"
Thanks again!
Kevin D. Hammel
========================================
khammel@mail.anime.sobhrach.com
kevinsff@pacbell.net
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~khammel/
========================================