-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: owd14.txt
DISCLAIMER: I deny the existence of any naughty or
suggestive parts in this chapter. This time I mean it.
Honest.
(Ignore those crossed fingers behind my back.)
--------------------
Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 14
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
--------------------
Ukyo stared out into the night.
She often did that in the past, thinking of her Ranchan and
the life they would have together. All her fantasies were
rather domestic; nothing else ever entered her mind. Just
her and Ranma and the cute babies they would have. Never
being alone ever again.
But now, she couldn't really do that anymore.
But she still tried.
All that kept popping up in her mind's eye was Ranma with
an arm around Akane.
She sighed. Somewhere inside herself, she'd accepted that
Ranma was with Akane.
Now she was alone.
One of the things she faced in her counseling sessions was
her fear of abandonment; Genma dumping her by the road, her
mother dying, her father making her grow up male under
threat of leaving her in an orphanage ... all these things
were about being abandoned. She'd just clung to the idea of
marrying Ranma because she wanted someone who would never
abandon her.
Konatsu would never abandon her.
All through her bad spell, Konatsu had been by her side.
Ranma never even came to visit. Probably too busy boinking
his precious fianc�e.
Oddly, she didn't even get angry at Ranma for that thought.
All she felt was disappointment.
Konatsu would never abandon her...
She strode to Konatsu's room, where the male kunoichi was
getting ready for bed.
Konatsu turned at the sound of the door opening. Ukyo
stared at him oddly, her feminine curves accented by the t-
shirt and shorts she wore.
Ukyo gazed at Konatsu, who looked adorable in his pink
nightdress.
"Yes, Ukyo-sama?" he asked.
She came over to him and grabbed his shoulders. "You'd
never leave me, would you, Natsu-chan?"
Konatsu found breathing more difficult for some reason.
"No. I'd never leave you, Ukyo-sama."
She stepped back and pulled off her shorts.
"U-ukyo-sa-sama?" Konatsu stammered.
Ukyo shoved him back on the bed.
Konatsu looked up helplessly as Ukyo pressed down on him.
"I-I-I-" he stuttered.
Ukyo silenced him with a kiss. "You're mine now, sugar."
Konatsu was paralyzed with emotion.
Ukyo ground her pelvis into the smaller man while her teeth
nipped at his earlobes and neck and her hands explored his
torso. All he could do was moan in fear and ... something
else.
Soon, she felt his response.
"Mmmmm .... good little kunoichi." She reached down and
positioned him. "Now, just relax. This may hurt a bit at
first, but soon it'll feel good."
Konatsu just whimpered.
Afterwards, with Ukyo gently snoring atop him, Konatsu
finally relaxed.
What had just happened was the scariest ... and most
wonderful ... thing in his entire life.
"Mmmmm ..." Ukyo muttered. "Natsu-sama will stay with me
f'rev'r," she mumbled, squeezing him tight. "Nev'r run off.
Stay 'round an' make babies."
Konatsu hugged Ukyo gently. "As you wish, Ukyo-sama."
Ukyo, meanwhile, dreamt of little spatula-wielding
androgynous ninja children calling her 'Mommy'.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo beamed at her future husband as he came in from his
bath. She thought it was cute the way he avoided looking
directly at her nearly-nude body while at the same time
trying to 'check her out' from the corners of his eyes.
"[Ryoga,]" she asked sweetly. "[Have you thought of having
children one day?]"
He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well ... yeah. One day.
But we'll have Conditioner to bring up first."
She nodded in agreement. "[But one day, some of our own.]"
"Oh, yeah. Just not as many as my pop had."
"[Big families are a blessing of the Goddess, Airen.]"
"Not that big." He sat on the edge of Shampoo's bed. "What
brought that thought up?"
"[Talking with Nodoka.]"
Ryoga chuckled. "She wants to become ... whatever your
father's mistress is in relation to your children.
Grandmother? Aunt?"
"[Perhaps. But she's more anxious about having her own
again.]"
Ryoga looked shocked. "She wants to have another kid? At
her age?"
"[No,]" Shampoo clarified. "[She's pregnant right now.]"
She swatted him with a pillow. "[And she's only thirty-
eight!]"
Ryoga just sat quietly, then covered his face with his
hands. "Oh, Pop! How could you do this to Mom?!?"
"[What makes you think it's your father's, Ryoga?]"
Ryoga laughed a sad laugh. "A child is conceived within ten
kilometers of Ichiro Hibiki, and you have the nerve to ask
me that?"
Shampoo nodded. "[Well, she *did* say it was Ichiro's. But
the child will be *your* sibling, too.]"
Ryoga slumped. "Oh great. Another child to grow up without
a father."
Shampoo scooted over the bed and rubbed Ryoga's shoulders.
"[But the child will have three older brothers and two
older sisters. As well as the Nerima Amazons and Ranma's
family. Whatever else, this Hibiki will not grow up unloved
or alone.]"
"Yeah," Ryoga agreed. "This one will do better."
They snuggled each other gently, thinking odd thoughts
about their relationship, their future family, and the
oddity of them talking in two different languages when they
conversed.
A crash came from downstairs.
"Intruders!" he hissed, grabbing his umbrella.
"[I didn't think any housebreakers in Tokyo were stupid
enough to come around the Nekohanten again,]" Shampoo said
wonderingly. "[Oh, well - we'll just have to re-educate
them.]"
As they went down to the dining area, Ryoga was too focused
to notice that Shampoo was clad only in panties. She smiled
to herself as she imagined his eventual reaction.
They stopped right on the last step and saw about a dozen
intruders. All clad in 'traditional' black ninja outfits.
All rather portly.
"[Ninja pigs,]" Shampoo whispered.
"What are they doing?" Ryoga whispered back.
One ninja pig tripped over a chair, and another tripped
over him. This startled the two nearest pigs, who turned
and ran into each other.
"[Being incompetent,]" Shampoo answered. "[It seems that
Pig-Girl trains excellent sumotori, but only mediocre
ninjas.]"
"Don't forget - pigs have lousy eyesight."
"[Oh, really?]" Shampoo said, a nasty grin on her cute
face. "[Thanks for that bit of information, Airen.]"
Shampoo reached for the light controls - not the normal
light switch, but the flashing disco lights the Nekohanten
used for their Saturday karaoke night and the occasional
private party - and turned them up to maximum.
"[Cover your eyes, dear.]"
[FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLASH!!][FLAS
H!!][FLASH!!]
"BWEEEEEEEEE!!! SQUEEEEEE!!!"
Dazed and blinded ninja pigs ran randomly around in panic,
running into each other, the walls, the flimsy furniture
...
"They're wrecking the place, Shampoo-chan."
"[KILL!!!]"
Ryoga and Shampoo leapt to the attack.
It was swift.
It was brutal.
It was no contest.
In less than a minute, the pigs were all on the floor, some
alive, some not.
Shampoo brushed off her hands. "[Looks like we'll be having
pork specials for the next couple of months.]"
Ryoga, being blinded and disoriented, unable to determine
direction normally, found the light switch immediately and
turned on the normal lighting.
"That was fun, Shampoo-chan, but what are we going to do
with all these ... pigs ..."
He stared bug-eyed at his fianc�e's body, clad only in a
sheer pink panty with the surface area of a butterfly's
wing.
"[Problem, Airen?]" she asked, grinning.
[THUD!!]
She shook her head at her unconscious love. "[My poor shy
darling. And how am I supposed to get that bloodstain out
of the carpet?]"
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi lay awake in bed, listening to the sounds of the
house.
She heard the various clocks through the house, the personal
fans used by members of the family to sleep during hot
nights, Nabiki snoring and mumbling something about lack of
payment will result in exposure...
Then there was Ranma and Akane with their disgraceful din,
the faint squeak of the bed and other noises. She listened
closer and heard Ranko up in her room, writing and crying
gently.
Kasumi settled further into her pillow and sighed deeply.
It seemed overnight her own home had turned into an alien
place. She knew it would have happened eventually, even saw
the day that Ranma and Akane would spend their first night
together just talking until dawn.
Akane has accused her of throwing her to the dogs when
Ranma first showed up to be presented as a fianc�. The
eldest Tendo girl just *knew* that both would love each
other. Trying to control Nabiki from interfering was the
hardest part. Yet, even Kasumi admitted Nabiki was ensuring
the two would only love each other; Nabiki was just
protecting their little sister from a potential heartbreaker.
She turned over and stared at the wall. She remembered
about a week after the Saotomes showed up and she felt the
need to go down to the dining room in the middle of the
night. There she found Ranma-onna, sitting on the porch and
staring at the hazy sky. Yet, it wasn't Ranma, it was Ko-
chan. How everything changed and made sense!
It was nice having a friend to talk to in the past year.
Everyone else had been just acquaintances, really. But with
Ranko, she could let her mask slip off.
Now, everything she had felt and suspected was coming to
fruition. Akane was maturing, and she and Ranma were wed
and happy. Even her dear Ko-Chan was close to happiness.
And she'd found dear Jiro, who was slowly letting the shy
boy peek out from behind his macho ass**** facade. Soon,
this long, hard beginning would be over, and their lives
would truly begin.
Sighing, she allowed her consciousness to unwind from the
present moment, searching for tomorrow in the place between
dreams and wakefulness.
She saw Ryoga some years later, crying into his sake because
Shampoo was pregnant with yet another child <Well, I knew
that was bound to happen> ... Ranma and Akane breaking up a
dispute over a new manga between their twins and their
cousin Jiro <My son! My, what a strong lad!> that
accidentally destroyed part of a Self-Defense Force military
base ... Tofu and Ranko working at a clinic specializing in
pediatric medicine <Oh that's nice> ... Nabiki managing a
brothel in someplace called 'Nevada' <I should have seen
that one coming> ... Ukyo and Konatsu and their children
<What gender were they???>...
She pushed the tide closer to the present and rummaged
through the odd visions of sewers and Chinese landscapes and
fixed upon what she took to be the near future. She felt
everyone's aura linked to this ... but the vision was
confused with the static of pigs, monsters, water, and girls
with magical abilities, as well as apocalyptic levels of violence.
If this was the wedding of Ranma and Akane, then it
wouldn't be that unusual. Or even unexpected.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next morning found Akane out in the dojo, practicing
her newer, more exotic moves.
Nabiki was in the bath, brushing her teeth.
Kasumi had gone out early, and Ranma decided to fix
breakfast - much to his insistence that Akane mustn't ruin
her lovely hands with menial tasks ("That's the biggest
load of crap you've told me yet!" she had pointed out, but
let him cook anyway).
Ranko was setting the table when Ranma had tossed out the
serving dishes, causing all to land on the table without
any food spilt.
"Everyone, breakfast!" he called out.
Akane poked her head in and asked, "Where's oneechan?"
"She left early this morning," Ranko replied. "She left a
note saying she was apartment hunting."
"Huh?" Akane big-sweated. "Oneechan's moving out?"
"Yeah," Ranko said. "And good for her. She needs a life
away from this nuthouse."
"Why?" Akane asked.
"Probably the noise level, sweetness," Ranma suggested.
"How many times did you knock on the wall for us to shut up,
Ko-Chan?"
Ranko added in her head and blurted, "Fourteen."
"I didn't hear it," Akane stated.
The Saotome twins giggled. "You were distracted, Akane-chan,"
Ranko teased.
"Thanks for the compliment, honey," Ranma said, grinning in
masculine-ass pride.
Akane swatted him with a rolled-up magazine. "Egomaniac!"
"Horndog," he replied.
"Tomboy!" she snapped back.
"Pervert!" he answered.
"Take me," she breathed, gripping him and wrapping her leg
around his waist.
"Not before breakfast!" Ranko pleaded. "You'll ruin the
food!"
The doorbell decided to ring at that moment and Akane gave
Ranma a quick peck before she ran off to answer the door.
Ranma settled down at the table and had just offered his
sister some tea when a scream came from the front hall.
Both Saotome's dropped their cups and stood up, battle
ready.
"Not at this hour," Ranko complained.
"Figures," Ranma sighed. "It looked like such a nice day,
too."
They heard Akane thunder upstairs, followed by the organic
sounds of blobby movement.
"What the hells?" Ranma mumbled.
Ranko dropped her battle stance as a greenish-black
tentacle waved from the doorway. Ranma's eyes grew into
saucers as he realized what the tentacle was shaped like.
"OH MY GOD!" he shrieked, his hands raised in preparation.
"Forget it, Niichan," Ranko slammed her wrist down on his
hands. "I know this monster."
The tentacle was followed by several more attached to a
gelatinous blob of the same hue, squishing and splorting
its way into the dining room.
"Well," Ranma stated. "I lost my appetite."
"That's a first," Ranko smirked. "Hi, Bob."
"Squirnk, sploot, urrrgh," the tentacle monster replied,
waving its obscene members in greeting.
Akane's footsteps came bounding back down the stairs, and
she rushed into the dining room, holding aloof a manga and
marker.
"Can I have your autograph?" she asked excitedly. "I'm a
really big fan of yours! I've got all your mangas!"
"What's this doing in my house???" Ranma asked in
disbelief.
"Oh, sorry," Ranko said. "Ranma, this is Bob - actually,
his name has about three hundred syllables, so he's just
'Bob'. He's a patient of Tofu-sensei." She turned to the
unearthly horror, who was signing a manga for Akane. "Bob,
this is my brother, Ranma, and his wife, Akane."
"Glorple," Bob said, waving a tendril at him.
"Could he please not do that?" Ranma inquired politely.
"Seeing those things wave about makes me queasy."
"Suck it up, Niichan," Ranko teased.
"Poor choice of words, imouto-chan," Ranma replied.
"Oops. Sorry."
"Ooooh!" Akane said. "Look, Ranma! I got his autograph!
See?"
Ranma looked at the manga - 'Attack of the Perverse
Nightmare' #19 - and saw the page where Akane had it sign
in unhuman arcane runes; a full-page picture dominated by
the same creature that was in his dining room, along with
three girls -
"EWWWWW!!!" he said. Then he noticed something. "So *that's*
where you got the idea for doing that!"
Ranko chuckled. "Who'd have thought of Akane as a drooling
otaku? What brings you by, Bob-san?"
"Blortch, blaaagh, glaaaagh."
Ranko shook her head. "Tofu-sensei is in China for the
week. Is it an emergency?"
"Glurk."
"Well then, don't worry about it and apply the ointment to
the rash regularly. And for heaven's sake stay away from
the working girls!"
"Glob."
Nabiki came in, still in her yen pajamas and brushing her
teeth. She glanced at the bizarre manifestation, mumbled a
"H'lo, Bob," and sat down.
Ranko did a double take and asked, "Where do you know him?"
Nabiki yawned and scratched the back of her head. "I'm his
agent."
"Figures," Ranma sighed. "Stop dripping on the table, please?"
"Blert," Bob apologized. "Glab glork blaaaagh?" he asked.
"I live here," Nabiki said. "The girl with the manga's my
sister. How about you, Ko-Chan?"
"Patient at the clinic."
"Oh. Have you guys cleared up that rash on him yet?"
"Almost."
"Okay, Bobby-baby," Nabiki turned to the tentacled creature.
"Mori needs you all ready for the next session. Will you be
able to make it?"
Bob appeared to be nodding. Ranma briefly wondered how a
creature without anything resembling a humanoid body could
nod.
"Good. See you next Saturday at the studio."
As Bob left, making wet sucking sounds all the while, Ranma
got a puzzled look on his face. "You mean the monsters pose
for these manga?"
"The better ones," Nabiki replied.
"Does that mean the girls - uh..." He blushed.
Nabiki grinned. "Some are professional models. And some high
school girls get kind of bored, y'know. And after hanging
around teenage boys, many girls find tentacle monsters a lot
more civilized."
Akane nodded in agreement, sipping her tea. "I can
understand that."
"Besides," Nabiki continued, "It pays pretty good. Where
did you think Yuka got the money for that new diamond
necklace she wore at the Spring Luau?"
Akane spit her tea across the table. "You're kidding!"
Nabiki took the manga, flipped a few pages, and pointed.
"Damn," Ranma said. "That's Yuka?"
"It really is the quiet ones," Akane said in disbelief.
"Never thought she had it in her," Ranko added.
"Sure she does," Ranma said. "See? There it is. Several of
them, in fact."
The assorted females looked at him as if he were a prize
idiot.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing, darling," Akane told him. "My innocent pervert,"
she said quietly, smiling and giving him a peck on the
cheek.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
The women did not answer him as they sat down to breakfast.
"Well?"
Sasuke poked his head out from under the table. "Is it
gone?" he asked fearfully.
"Yes," Nabiki said. "And for extreme cowardice in the face
of apparent danger, expect your pay to be docked."
Sasuke groaned and went back under the table.
* * * * * * * * * *
The mighty Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Nerima
(because they wouldn't let him in Furinkan High with that
Bokken - or without pants) stalked toward what he still
thought of as the Tendo Dojo, eager to sample the treasures
of his loves again.
Oddly enough, there seemed to be a mob of reporters running
*away* from the dojo. But Kuno ignored these, intent on his
goal.
As he leapt toward the front gate, a huge shape blocked the
way. Unable to get out of the way in time, he bounced off
and into the street.
"So, miscreant! You seek to block the mighty Blue Thunder
in his pursuit of - EEEP!"
Kuno gazed at the vile, fluid-oozing, tentacle-waving
apparition before him. He raised his weapon and -
- fell to his knees, crying "MASTER! MASTER!"
Bob stared at the idiot in the Scooby Doo boxers and the t-
shirt saying 'Amateur Gynecologist', and became very
embarrassed.
He tried to nonchalantly shamble away, but Kuno followed.
Soon, Bob was running down the street, Kuno in pursuit.
"PLEASE MASTER!" Kuno cried. "TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Bob exclaimed, trying to escape.
Hiroshi and Daisuke were walking to school when a hideous
monster ran down the street past them. Hot on its heels was
Kuno the Arch-Pervert, waving a disgusting pornographic
object and yelling something incoherent about teaching true
manliness.
"Hiroshi?"
"Yeah, Daisuke?"
"Did I just see what I thought I saw?"
"Kuno chasing a tentacle monster with his Bokken of
Perversion?"
"Yep."
"Afraid so."
Both boys were silent a moment.
"Y'know something, Hiroshi?"
"What, Daisuke?"
"Kuno's just hit a new high in lows."
Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah. Molesting a tentacle monster." He
shook his head. "Compared to him, *we're* gentlemen! And
you *know* what a sicko I am!"
Daisuke nodded in agreement. "True. And I'm not much better."
He rubbed the bruises he got during his drunken visit to the
Saotomes. "Wish I could at least remember what I did to get
them," he muttered to himself. "Musta been good."
Hiroshi pretended to read his literature book.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Dammit, Saotome, I feel like an idiot!"
"Suck it up, Tendo."
"Can't we just alter one of the pictures of Ranma and a girl
that we have?" Soun asked, adjusting his purple wig. "Why do
we have to make a new one?"
"Too risky!" Genma replied, straightening his own pony-
tailed hairpiece. "We need a perfect picture that will
unmistakably be Ranma cheating on Akane. Besides, in these
costumes, we look like the real thing."
"But why do I have to wear the Shampoo suit?"
"Your figure is more girlish than mine."
"But your breasts are almost as large as hers!"
The two men proceeded to viciously pummel each other,
oblivious to the approaching menace.
The aforementioned menace also failed to notice them.
"BLAAARGH!!"
[TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!]
"MASTER! WAIT! TEACH ME TO BE MORE MANLY!!"
[TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!] [TRAMPLE!]
The twisted remnants of Soun in a torn Shampoo costume and
Genma in a Ranma suit pulled themselves up and looked at
the fragments of their camera.
"'We don't need to alter an old picture,'" Soun mocked.
"'It's better if we make a new one.' BAKA!" He walloped his
partner. "Now we can't even pawn the camera!"
[I'm just a panda!] read the sign.
Soun walloped him again. "YOU'RE STILL HUMAN, YOU DIP!!"
"A mere technicality!"