Well, aren't I in a reposting mood?

I did this little ditty a while back. I figured since the movie's being released today, why not honor it with my own salute to love and mayhem, 70s style?

                    RANMA HALF


[Blackness.]

(...wachika...wachika...wachika...wachika...)

VO (Very deep, sexy):  In a heart of a city turned sour...

[Cut to an airborne view of Nerima, garishly lit in the dark night.]

(...wachika...wachika...wachika...wachika...)

(cue single electric guitar, playing a rough riff.)

VO:  Where lawlessness runs amok, hand-in hand with debauchery and
crime...)

[Youths plunder an appliance store. One burly teen shoves an elderly woman
on the sidewalk and stands over her, laughing. The woman cringes in fear.]

(...wachika...wachika...wachika...wachika...)

VO: There is only one man brave enough to look lawlessness in the eye and
give it the finger...

[Suddenly, the youth is slammed into a wall. He staggers up, then cowers as
a shadow falls over him.]

(...wachika...wachika...wachika...wachika...)

VO: And that man's name is...

(DA-DA-DA-DA DA DA-DA DA-DA-DA DA!!!)

RANMA...

(DA-DA-DA-DA DA DA-DA DA-DA-DA DA!!!)

HALF!!!

[The camera pans up from the feet clad in black slippers, to black
bellbottoms, to a red shirt opened to expose the chest covered in gold
chains (surprising, with very little chest hair), to Ranma's face, smiling
cockily.]

Ranma (in a very deep, very sexy voice}: You got a problem?

[The youth babbles and scampers away. Ranma looks after him, hands on hips
and pigtail flapping in the wind.]

Ranma: Sheesh. Kids.

[Funky colors flash as the music spirals into a familiar disco rhythm.  The
setting is now a disco floor, and underneath the revolving disco ball steps
Isaac Hayes, gold chains, bald head and all. Behind him, in various
glittery, slinky seventies dresses, are Ukyo, Kodachi and Shampoo, dancing
to the beat.  Isaac grabs a microphone and begins to sing to the tune of
'Shaft':]

Isaac: He's a man on a mission with a woman's composition and he's Ranma...

Girls: HALF!!!

Isaac: Damn straight.

Shampoo: He better be. Shampoo no want girl Ranma. [The girls glare at
her.]

Isaac: He's as good as you can get but don't you better get him wet 'cause
he's Ranma...

Girls: HALF!!!

Isaac: Ahh...yeah.  That's right.  You know, that Ranma's one bad mother--

[A spatula, a bonbori, and a bowling pin wham into his head.]

Girls (screaming): SHUT YO' MOUTH!!!!

Isaac [rubbing his head]: Hey, I was just singing about Ranma...

Girls (eyes narrowed): Yeah, we can dig it.

Isaac: Everyone is out to get him, but no one understands him but his
woman...

Shampoo: That be me!

Ukyo: No way, honey. He's mine.

Kodachi: How dare you! He's mine!

[A fight ensues, while Isaac looks on with interest.  He doesn't see Akane
march up to him, wearing yet another slinky dress, and she punts him out of
the disco.]

Akane: PERVERT!

[Cut to campy trailer-like scenes (wachika...wachika...wachika...)]

VO: Starring Ranma Saotome as Ranma Half.

[various scenes of Ranma punching, kicking, spinning, eating, sleeping,
posing, getting splashed, eating, sleeping, punching, screaming, etc.]

VO: Starring Soun Tendo as his boss, Tendo.

[At the Tendo dojo, Soun sits behind a desk, staring at Ranma who's
lounging by the door.]

Soun: It's a dangerous mission, Ranma. Absolute secrecy is a *must*.

Ranma (still in that deep, sexy voice): No sweat, Tendo. I'll have this
case wrapped up like, like [suddenly, he bends over, coughing wildly. When
he straightens, he's speaking in that familiar Viz voice] tomorrow's sushi.

Soun [tears running down his cheeks]: I told you to lay off those
cigarettes, son.

VO: Starring Ryoga Hibiki as his partner, P.C.

[A yellow mustang with its top down roars down an alleyway. Several black
cadillacs rear behind it with people hanging off it, shooting at the
mustang. Cut to Ranma in the passenger seat, hanging on for dear life.
Behind the driver's wheel Ryoga, sporting a huge afro tied with a yellow
and black bandanna curses as he cuts the wheel hard.]

Ranma: I thought you knew where this place was!

Ryoga: I do! It's on the east side of Nerima!

Ranma: So how did we wind up in the Bronx?

Ryoga: How the hell should I know?!  I don't recall crossing any ocean!

Ranma: That did it. Gimme the wheel, P-chan.

Ryoga: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT! IT'S P.C.,
YOU IDIOT!!!

[The two of them begin to fight, regardless of the bullets zinging around
them. The car zooms about, then finally plunges into the Chicago River.]

VO: Starring Nabiki Tendo as the Undercover Agent.

[In what appears to be an abandoned building, a peephole opens, then shuts.
A door slides open to reveal Nabiki in a slinky dress. She looks at the
person before her in disgust.]

Nabiki: *You're* the contact? Great. This case is doomed. I might as well
go back to working for the God-Obaba.

[Ranma, as a girl, stands before her, sopping wet. Her bell bottoms droop
over her feet, there's a black piglet chomping on her now-red pigtail and,
well, let's just say that half-opened shirts and cheap gold jewelry aren't
good styles when you're prone to sprouting breasts. Then again, if you have
an extremely hairy chest and you're prone to sprouting--]

[Akane rears up and whacks the author on her head. "PERVERT!"]

VO: Starring Kodachi Kuno as the Black Rose, Drug Overlord.

[In a sultry anteroom, Kodachi, (all together now) in a slinky dress,
regards the redhead before her with a smirk.]

Kodachi: And why should I allow you to work here?

Ranma(in slinkier dress): Because you're going down, sister!

Kodachi: Ohohoho! Is that so! Well, in that case! [She pulls out a ribbon.]
Prepare to die!

[A fight ensues...]

VO: Starring Shampoo--er, what is her last name anyway?-- as Kitty, The
Deadly Employee Turned Informant.

[Ranma, a guy again, wakes up tied to a huge heart-shaped bed, complete
with a mirrored ceiling, lit candles and velvet walls.  Bubbles and the
smell of incense is in the air. Funky, sexy music is playing in the
background.]

Ranma (slurred voice): Ugh...where am I? Why can't I move?[He looks down to
see he's only clad in his boxers]. Hey, I'm all tied up! Ack! Where are my
clothes?!

Shampoo (hidden): Leotard girl blow no-move powder in Ranma face, make him
fall over right on coffee table and splash Kodachi's tea all over himself
and make himself guy again! Shampoo so happy, she beat up ugly leotard
girl. Then she rescue Ranma! Now Ranma show thanks!

Ranma (panicking): What do you mean, show thanks?

[Shampoo steps out of the shadows, clad in a *very* slinky dress, if one
could call such skimpy material a dress. She slowly approaches Ranma.]

Shampoo: This Shaft parody? Shaft get all the women, but in this fic,
Ranma-Half get only one girl. Shampoo will make Ranma *very* happy! [She
begins easing the strap of the dress over one shoulder.]

Ranma: But...but...Shampoo!  You can't...I mean...it's wrong!

Shampoo (working the other strap now): Wo ai..ERK! [A spatula slams on her
head.]

Ukyo (in the same skimpy dress, only made skimpier): You shameless hussy!
This is supposed to be my part, you slut! You can't even act right!

Shampoo: Shampoo no need to act, got perfect body, unlike formless Spatula
girl.

Ukyo: Why you...[begins strangling Shampoo, who's beating her on the head.
Kodachi bursts in (and nearly out of the skimpy, slinky dress).]

Kodachi: Ranma-sama! What have these cruel witches done to you! Ooo,
harlots, I will destroy you! [She leaps into the fray.]

Ranma (frantic): Girls! Girls!

[Akane marches, in a dress not as slinky (due to the fact she has
threatened the author several times) and glares at the scene.]

Ranma: Akane?!

VO: Starring Akane Tendo as Akane Tendo.

Ranma: Akane! It's not what you think! [Of course, he's saying this as
Ukyo, Kodachi, and Shampoo duke it out right on the bed.]

Akane: You pervert! I knew this was a 70s fanfic, but to have the gall of
this...this DECADENCE just goes beyond all perversion! You...you...RANMA NO
BAKA!!!

[She mallets Ranma point-blank.]

VO: Starring Cologne as the God-Obaba.

[Ranma, tied to a pillar in an empty room, becomes conscious. He looks
about.]

Ranma: Man, that stupid Akane. She was the one who wanted to act in this
stupid spamfic in the first place...

Cologne: Hohoho, Son-in-law. Soon, you won't need to worry about Akane
anymore.

Ranma: Who said that?

[Cologne appears out of the shadows, clad in a slinky--]

FFML: NO! GOD, NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

[--Geez, all right then. Clad in what she usually wears. Happy?]

Cologne: Once you join my establishment, you'll never have to worry about
anything again. All I ask for you to do is to do an odd job for me every
once in a while.

Ranma: No way, you old ghoul. I'll never serve you! You can't make me.

Cologne: Oh, yes I can! [She presses a button with her staff. A door opens
to reveal Akane gagged and bound to a chair, which is suspended in an
elevator shaft by a thin rope.] Refuse and I'll send her to you-know-who!

Ranma: AKANE!!!

Ryoga: AKANE!!! [He bursts through a wall, wild-eyed.]

Ranma: What took you so long?!

Ryoga: I don't know. I wake up and somehow I'm in Australia. Go figure.
[Suddenly remembers why he's there.] Unhand her, you witch!

Cologne: Hohoho! You're a hundred years too young to toy with me, boy! [A
fight ensues. Ranma breaks out of his bonds and join in. Suffice it to say,
after a long and furious battle, Cologne is kicked down the elevator
shaft.]

Ranma: Well we gave her the shaft, huh? Ha! Now to save--

[With a muffled yelp, Akane is jerked up the shaft.  Ranma and Ryoga stare
up into the darkness.]

Ryoga: Only one person could be up there.

Ranma: Right! [cracks knuckles] Let's do it!  To the roof!

Ryoga: Right!

[He immediately charges towards the basement.]

VO: And starring, in his most pressing and oiliest role, the biggest Pimp
Daddy of them all...

[On the roof, Ranma and Ryoga screech to a halt and stare up, their mouths
dropping.]

Ranma & Ryoga: HAPPOSAI!!!

[The old master chortles. His throne is nothing but a huge pile of bras and
panties.  He shakes his pipe, which has a rope attached to it, which has
Akane attached to the rope, still bound and gagged.]

Happosai: Hee, hee! What a haul! What a haul! I was going to ask you to
join my establishment Ranma, but seeing that you rather tear it down, I'm
going to have to destroy you instead and have dear sweet Akane all to
myself.

Ranma: You old freak, put her down!

Happosai: Never! [He whips out a *huge* bomb, preparing to drop it on our
heroes' heads] She's mine! Besides, you already have all those other lovely
girls you were cavorting with earlier!

[Ryoga's head whips about.]

Ryoga: What other girls?!

Ranma: It's nothing...

Happosai: It's nothing all right. Nothing was what they were wearing,
crawling all over Ranma, pressing their sweet bosoms against him, kissing
him, licking him, etc., and so forth... [He's not noticing Akane's turning
blue.]

Ryoga: You had naked girls all over you? While I was trying to save you?
YOU BASTARD!

Ranma [backing away]: It's not what you think!

Ryoga: RANMA SAOTO--I MEAN, RANMA HALF, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!

[They began to fight. Meanwhile, Akane's so mad she burst out of her bonds
and rips off her gag.]

Akane: WILL THE BOTH OF YOU STOP FIGHTING SO YOU CAN SAVE ME?!

[Suddenly, a wrinkled hand tweaks her bottom.]

Happosai: Oh forget them, Akane. Let's set up an establishment of our own,
starting with you.

[You don't need to guess her reaction.]

Akane: PERVERT!!!

[Happosai is sucker-punched, bomb and all, straight into the air. No longer
supported by him, Akane eeks and drops...straight into Ranma's arms. She
glares at him until she realizes that he's still looking up.]

Ranma: Uh, Akane, you didn't hit him at an angle, did you?

Akane: No, I don't think so.

Ryoga: In other words, you hit him straight up?

Akane: Yeah. Why?

Ranma: Because what comes up...

[They all look to see the bomb grow smaller and smaller in the air, hover
there for a few seconds, then grow larger and larger.]

All: RUUUUNNNNN!!!!

[As the theme for RANMA HALF plays, you see them running in slow motion
towards the edge of the roof, Ranma still carrying Akane. As they leap off,
there is a humongous *BOOOM* and the picture freezes as backdrop behind
them turns into a huge fireball, casting them in silhouette.  Fade to
black.]

[After a moment...]

Ranma: Yo, P-chan.

Ryoga: Stop calling me that! It's not my name!

Ranma: Fine, P.C. but in a few seconds, it will be.  Look where we're
falling, fool.

Ryoga: Gyah! What's that swimming pool doing there?!

Ranma: And it's filled, too. Why does it always have to be water?

Ryoga: OHHHHHH, SHIIIIII.....

[*Splash*]

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This has been an Tbone Enterprises spamfic...In Touch With Yours Truly. :-)


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LaShawn M. Wanak (tbone_m_jenkins@yahoo.net)
T-bone Enterprises * In Touch With Yours Truly
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