C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
(This was taken from the webpage, and might
differ from what was posted on the FFML.)
He could feel it surging through him, like it always did. But, this
time, he could see it, directly ahead and filling his field of
vision. A blue-green planet, and the golden tide cascading from it
to him.
punc: But this time
(The comma would come before the "but".)
[...]
"Your heart spoke true when you realized the power, MY power was
more than you could possibly use. So, I wish to offer another a
position as your apprentice. A squire to your knight." Then the
warmth changed a bit to become more of a motherly concern. "With
your permission, of course."
She said, after already having split if off for someone else...
[rolls eyes]
[...]
"I am the mother of you all. My blood is in the winds, rivers,
oceans, lakes, and lava flows. My body is the mountains, canyons,
deserts, and plains. I have many names, but one of which is Earth."
gram: many names, one of which
or: many names, of which but one is Earth.
(You seem to be using the word "but" quite a bit. You might want
to consider changing the structure of some of your sentences to
remove them, and add a little variety.)
For the record, this whole planets-talking-to-people-in-their-
dreams is a real turn-off for me. It has no precedent in Sailor
Moon or Ranma, and feels completely unnecessary.
Plus, it runs against the premise of Sailor Moon. The girls
haven't been given the power by anyone (any planet); they
took it upon themselves to protect their friends and world.
I realize you're not about to change this -- it's integral to
what you've already written in previous parts, but I wanted to
make my opinion known. What I like, I like *despite* this
planet stuff.
[...]
"Excuse me sir, will you please put your seat back up? We'll be
landing at Tokyo soon." A young woman's voice asked, displacing the
other woman's.
gram: Excuse me, sir, will
or: Excuse me, sir. Will
(When addressing a person, set them off with commas.)
suggest: displacing the other's
or: displacing the one from his (day)dream
(Avoid repeated "woman's".)
The handsome, black-haired college student blinked. Then he stared
for a few moments as one reality swept away contact with another,
leaving only memories in its wake. "Sure," he replied as he leaned
forward and pressed the lever to move the seat up. Glancing to his
right out the window, he saw the expanse of the Pacific rushing up
to meet him. He smiled then, basking for a moment in the glory of
his Mother.
suggest: Pacific rising up to meet him
(Otherwise, it sounds like the place is crashing.)
[...]
Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Publication Rights are
held by Viz in The US and Shogakukan in Japan. Sailor Moon is
property of Naoko Takeuchi. Publication rights held by Kodansha Ltd.
in Japan and Mixx Entertainment in the US. My purpose is to honor
these creators and their works. No infringement intended.
Out of curiosity, does this mean that you're only using the manga
continuities? I notice that you didn't credit Kitty TV and whoever
did Sailor Moon.
[...]
His speculations on the meaning of his dreams came to an abrupt end
upon hearing the cry of his girlfriend. The young man's face was lit
with a smile as he dodged a few slower-moving passengers to reach
his, "Usako!"
suggest: of his dream
(You're referring only to the incident on the plane, right?
It sound like you're referring to his lifelong dreams...)
[...]
After many pounding heartbeats, Usagi let Mamoru go, then spoke to
her love with unaccustomed gravity. "Mamo-chan, a lot's happened
since you left." As she continued, she glanced at Naru, "And Naru-
chan here is a big part of it."
Chan chan chan. It's times like this I'm glad I
don't live in a society with politeness suffixes. :p
[...]
"But first, I need to pick up my luggage." Mamoru said as he pointed
at the stairs to the baggage claim area.
The three friends headed downstairs to pick up Mamoru's luggage, and
then catch a train home.
suggest: downstairs to pick up his suitcase
or: pick up his bags
(Avoid repeated "luggage" and "Mamoru".)
[...]
In the living room of the Saotome house in Juuban, Ranma, his
mother, and the three Tendou sisters gathered after their Sunday
morning meal.
I have to wonder if there's even room for all of them in that
house. It has to be cramped.
[...]
Ranma nodded and shook his head to show his understanding. "Pop had
my head all screwed up when it came to girls, mom. And you figured
out a way to try an' fix that. So, 'Kikuko' went to school... And
studied hard... And made new friends... And likes the way things are
going right now. The problem is... Ranma NEVER did any of that.
Please don't forget I'm a guy. Or did you decide you wanted a
daughter, Mom?"
Huh? *Ranma's* the one that went all gung-ho on being "Kikuko."
Even to the extent of telling Nodoka to *address* him as such
when he's a girl.
Nodoka has already made it clear that she didn't want a daughter,
and never intended for that. It was one thing that made this
stand out from the typical Nodoka-tries-to-make-Ranma-a-girl
story.
Although you did fail to take it to it's logical conclusion.
Nodoka was worried that she had pushed Ranma too far, but she
didn't *do* anything about it. If she made Ranma be a girl to
show they aren't bad, she logically should have made him turn
back to a boy to show *they* aren't bad.
You started to touch upon it with Mokoto's date, but I don't
feel it went far enough.
[...]
"When you were little, your father, and you, made an agreement with
me that he would raise you to be a 'Man Amongst Men' or else both of
you would commit Seppuku. Even you marked the contract... with a
handprint."
cap: seppuku
(You don't capitalize a word just because it's foreign.
You would italicize it, but given that this is plain text...)
[...]
Ranma shook his head in the negative as he responded. "I use to, but
I have my reasons to... live with it."
Nodoka smiled knowingly. "Like your alternate identity."
Ranma stepped back from his mother, recalled his pen, and then
transformed. He knew his mother knew, after all.
Uh... What was the point of that? Nodoka already made
it clear that she knows; what the point of demonstrating?
Especially when they're worried about the pens. Transforming
just for the heck of it seems like an exceedingly dumb idea...
[...]
At the edge of the solar system, an observer took note. There were a
few things Charon, and the Neo Senshi, would need to fulfill their
destiny. A thought, a concealed connection, and it was done.
punc: Charon and the Neo Senshi would
(No Need For Commas!)
or: Charon -- and the Neo Senshi -- would
[...]
Usagi pushed the buzzer by the door. Muted footfalls answered the
summons, and then the door opened a crack to reveal her friend and
teammate Ami. "Hi, Ami. Is your mom here?"
suggest: friend and teammate. "Hi, Ami.
(Avoid repeated "Ami.")
[...]
After Ami had fulfilled her duty as hostess by providing a plate of
cookies and four glasses of lemonade, she sat down at the table to
join her guests.
It's a hostess' duty to supply cookies and lemonade? :/
[...]
"I think we were, Usagi chan." Ami replied with a small smile.
Turing to Naru, she continued. "Naru-chan, perhaps you could
demonstrate your new abilities for Chiba-san?"
Again, I fail to see the point. She could just say who
she is. None of the Sailor Senshi have ever transformed
to show who they were, before.
[...]
Mamoru looked at the transformation in surprise, and then shook his
head almost knowingly. Maybe that's why the power was being
channeled to another. "Callisto... So you must be the Senshi of one
of Jupiter's moons?"
Senshi normally wouldn't be capitalized.
However, I'm assuming that it's used as a title.
[...]
"Let's see Io, Europa, Ganymede, Callisto, Titan, Triton, and
Charon. That makes seven... at least so far." Usagi replied as she
counted the Neo Senshi off on her fingers.
gram: Let's see. There's Io,
(Otherwise she's saying "Let's see them!")
"Seven? I don't remember Senshi of moons before. I wonder why there
are some now?" He asked with a puzzled expression.
"And what'll happen to them in the future? They weren't present
to protect you from the Black Moon in the future..."
"I dunno," Usagi replied with a shrug of her shoulders. Her
expression became a lot more serious as she contained. "And all the
Senshi that use henshin pens have a problem too."
word: as she continued.
(I think that's what you meant.)
"The Senshi that use henshin pens?" Isn't that everyone
except Usagi? Why doesn't she say "the others," then?
[...]
Mamoru listened carefully as the situation was laid out before him.
"I see," he said at last. He wondered if he should mention his
dream? No, that was for when he actually knew what it meant.
Well, at least you're keeping him consistent about
keeping potentially useful information to himself. :j
Noticing Mamoru's distraction, Usagi probed a bit, "Mamo-chan, what
are you thinking about? Has something happened to you too?" She
worriedly asked.
punc: to you, too?
cap: she worriedly asked.
("She" does not start a new sentence, and so shouldn't be
capitalized. Ignore the ending punctuation in the quote.
Do to the words that follow the quote complete the sentence?
If so, use lower case.)
suggest: she asked worriedly.
(Sounds more natural.)
"We'll talk about it later, Usako. Let's wait until I know for sure
what's going on, okay?"
"Okay, Mamo-chan." A slightly disappointed Usagi replied.
punc: "Mamo-chan,"
(Since the quote does not end the sentence, it shouldn't use
a period. You'd still use a question mark or exclamation
point, though.)
cap: a slightly
(See above.)
suggest: Usagi replied, slightly disappointed.
(Add some variety to your sentence structure. The adjective doesn't
always have to come before the noun. In this case, you want to make
the speaker explicit as soon as possible, so you're better off not
putting any descriptive words between her name and the quote.)
After that, there wasn't more to do, except for Usagi to scarf down
the rest of the cookies. But they didn't taste as good as they had
before the conversation started.
gram: there was nothing more to do
or: there wasn't anything more to do
[...]
Ranma looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had never really
had a room, let alone a mirror, before. The girl who looked back was
both familiar and strange. She put a hand to a cheek, noticing
softness to both that was still hard to accept. Then, she extended
that same hand to the mirror's glass surface until the hand and its
reflection touched at the interface of fantasy and reality.
Never had a room before? What about the previous eight parts
of this story?! Nodoka hadn't shown poor Ranma his room? ;_;
The girl in the mirror cared about school, but still was a martial
artist. Though it wasn't a school day, she wore her Juuban High
girl's uniform. And she actually liked the way it looked on her. The
girl had friends and a mother who loved her. She was also a Sailor
Senshi, and had sent more than one horrible creature back to the
Hell that spawned it.
Hmm, yes, about that. Why on Earth are tentacled things attacking?
They have no place in Sailor Moon or Ranma. In Sailor Moon, the
monsters were always humanoids, or animated everyday things that
often became humanoid. And the monsters in Ranma were always silly.
When I read a Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover, I expect elements
from each, but the tone of this is alien to both series.
But, inside, she was also a boy who was concerned about the lie that
was Kikuko, and how it might change him. He felt that if Kikuko went
on much longer, there would only be Kikuko. That Ranma would become
the lie, or maybe just memory of what she had been. And she couldn't
be for Mako-chan what her heart wanted to be if... she became Kikuko
for real.
punc: But inside
suggest: He felt that if she went
and: there would only be the girl.
(Geez, four "Kikuko"s in one sentence? You *need* to avoid using
the same word too many times in a short period. Otherwise it reads
stilted, like a broken record.)
But her mom was being just like Pop used to be. Mrs. Saotome thought
she knew what needed to be done. Ranma looked away from the mirror
and down at her body. What had been so strange just a few weeks ago
had become normal. A whole year like this, and...
suggest: acting just like Pop used to.
suggest: In a year, would she...
(As written, you're implying that she's
*already* been like that for a year.)
[...]
Nabiki smirked in response. "I really should charge for it, but I
figured you'd say that. Makoto invited all three of us to visit her
place to... uh... talk things over. You game?"
She should really charge for what?
[...]
With her own house in capable hands, a woman on the sunny side of
middle age labored now to care for another dwelling. Slowly
exhaling, she celebrated finally reaching the last room. A decade
ago, 'their' would have described it, but now 'his' was all that
could be truthfully used. The other word had vanished into a painful
night ten years ago.
That sounded horribly awkward.
suggest: A decade ago, she would have described it as "their"
room, but now it would have been more truthful to call it
"his."
This confused the heck out of me. Why would Genma have a
separate bedroom? They were married, for goodness sake!
(And slept with each other!)
The room count for this house just keeps going up and up...
[...]
Ranma's marriage to one of his daughters would do just that. But was
there another way? It was something that he had never considered.
Hmm. I hope you don't use this as an easy way to get out of dealing
with the tension between Soun and his daughters, and their (or at
least Akane's) problems with Ranma.
[...]
He was so weary; he just collapsed on the bed. Sleep quickly after
that as fatigue from the day's activities claimed his consciousness
and awakened him to dreamtime.
gram: He slept soon after that
punc: after that, as fatigue
suggest: to (his) dreams.
(What the heck is dreamtime?)
[...]
"Who are you? And where are you?" He asked the unknown speaker.
"I am your mother, and the mother of all who roam my surface, my
son. I have searched for a noble heart and soul to assist my Knight
in his struggle against the Darkness."
"I was jealous of your birth parents, so I had them killed..."
suggest: assist my Prince
('Cause that's what he is. Jedite and the gang were knights.)
[...]
The three Tendou sisters joined Ami, Haruka, Kikuko, Makoto, and
Naru at the Saotome home for morning practice. It seemed that
neither Usagi nor Minako could pull themselves out of bed, again, so
it was just the usual group. Still, such a collection of super-
powered schoolgirls was bound to attract trouble.
I'm glad you stuck with Usagi and Minako's sleeping habits,
rather then force them into the "big happy martial arts training."
Although I wonder where they're training. Out in the yard?
This being Tokyo, the house can't be that big.
With a hum then a deafening crash, a lightning bolt impacted in the
center of the street. And in that moment, predawn darkness became
noontime for a few instants. As their vision returned, a blue bubble
expanded to become far larger than any they had previously seen.
"I'm Glinda, the Good Witch of the East..."
[...]
And it was just as the smallest Sailor Senshi described, sort of
like four of their previous, tentacle-wielding opponents welded
together.
Wouldn't Hotaru (or Chibi-Usa) be the smallest Sailor Senshi?
Charon blinked a few moments as her friends became rainbow colored
with digital number on each brightly hued person. The readings
changed rapidly as her teammates scrambled to attack the creature.
You need a score card to figure out just who the heck everyone is
supposed to be. Biles has the same problem with his Ranma/Sailor
Moon crossover.
Am I supposed to remember who all the moons are supposed to be?
You need to refer to them by physical description and/or personality,
and give us a hint as to who's who. Or have them speak something
characteristic.
You don't have the benefit of the "civilian identity" looking
exactly like the Scout form. As soon as you change the name you
use to refer to them, it's a different person, for all we know.
[...]
"Ganymede!" Io and Jupiter gasped in unison.
Sailor Ganymede thought of her battle spatula and, like in her
dream, a version materialized in her hands.
This is a good example. From the spatula,
it's clear that Ganymede is Ukyo.
[...]
"HE?" Europa asked incredulously. "Uh, Io-chan, He's a girl, just
look!"
Do the Sailor Senshi really refer to each other with
"<Planet>-chan"? I'll admit I don't know what they
said in the original, but I can't see a Senshi saying,
"Use your Burning Mandala, Marsie!" ^_^;
[...]
Mercury looked over at Charon, who was at the center of a cold,
black conflagration. The Neo Senshi had a terrifying smile on her
face as she pirouetted once, then raised both hands and shouted, "I
call upon the power of Charon to hasten your departure from this
plane. Let this be your... Death Knell!"
Good combo of speech and attack name.
Quite fitting for Charon. :j
[...]
"Who put YOU in charge, Callisto?" Europa asked as she wound up for
a new attack.
"We're the Senshi of Jupiter's moons. I think we make a great team."
Callisto answered with confidence.
For the record, I've already forgotten who Callisto is...
[...]
<Their destruction begins with this girl's death. She seems to be
the leader of this pack of Neo Senshi vermin. Her elimination will
make our victory even easier.> Another sentience thought.
gram: sentient
("Sentience" is a noun. Or did you mean sentient's?)
This is "another" sentient thought? Where was the first?
[...]
The dashing young man glanced at the small card that held a flowery
speech, then tossed it aside with a shout of, "Callisto!" echoing
Ganymede's cry. He then hurled a silver rose at the arm's base. With
an explosion of silver flower petals, the tentacle broke loose,
dropping Callisto.
A silver rose? :/ Sounds like goofy one-upsmanship over Tuxedo
Mask. Why not use a normal rose, or some different flower.
[...]
But Callisto's attention was elsewhere, as her eyes locked on those
of her heroic savior. She could feel the warmth of a furious flush
on her face, and even more heat between the two of them.
Are you sure that's not just Io's heat powers leaking? :j
"Thank you, kind sir!" She shouted as she gave a slight bow, then
looked up to lock her eyes anew her benefactor. She was in Heaven
for a few moments, and then abruptly plunged into Hell.
Suddenly, she ripped her eyes away, and buried her face in her
white-gloved hands. "Umino!" Callisto... Naru... whispered. And her
love for her classmate clashed with her gratitude and admiration for
this handsome new man... as her heart was torn in two. "Umino..."
She whispered again.
How exactly is this being "plunged into hell"? I can see her being
worried by indecision or guilt, but it's hardly something she'd pay
attention to in battle.
[...]
Horribly weakened by the other attacks, the monstrosity began to
disintegrate. With a resounding splat that echoed down the street,
the monster collapsed into the predictable pile of sludge. "Next
time you need me I shall be there again, Sailor Callisto," He said
with eyes locked on distraught Sailor Senshi. With a wave, he turned
and was gone in a flurry of silver.
punc: you need me, I shall be there, Sailor
(These are two clauses with two different subjects: "You" and "I";
separate them with a comma. The "again" is extraneous.)
"Wow, he's dreamy," Jupiter whispered, caught up in the romance left
in the mysterious stranger's wake of silver petals.
"Yes, he sure is." Mercury answered.
"He has a coefficient of dreaminess of 0.87!"
Callisto, who had been struck dumb, finally whispered another
trembling, "Umino. Oh, no. I... I'm so sorry." Tears fell as she
considered the plight her sundered heart had put her in.
What plight? [smacks head] Ignoring the fact that there's a 99%
chance that the guy *is* Umino, Naru hasn't been unfaithful to him!
What's the deal?
I could handle her behavior, if at least someone else pointed
out how goofy she was acting. Makoto, Minako, and Usagi all
seem like good candidates.
[...]
Jupiter enfolded the small girl in a hug, her flush becoming
evermore pronounced by the second. "Io-chan. I don't care what you
look like, you're still a darn good fighter." She let go to take a
couple of steps back to appraise the other girl. "'Sides, Sailor Io
needs to be a great martial artist, and you're the best I've ever
seen."
Has there been any evidence that anyone needs to be a great martial
artist? In fact, didn't Ganymede demonstrate how martial arts
*don't* help? They all used magical attacks, and they're
supernaturally tough.
[...]
========================================
khammel@anime.sobhrach.com
kevinsff@pacbell.net
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~khammel/
========================================
I *strongly* recommend putting a link to previous parts at the *top*
of the story. Not everyone will start to read a story if the first
part they've seen is nine, and not everyone will check the bottom
for a URL.
----
Okay, quite a bit of the behavior in this part confuses the heck out
of me. Like why Naru had a mental breakdown, and why everyone
transformed to show off their new duds.
I notice the "white dot" element was completely ignored after you
introduced it. Shouldn't Ami at least have checked to see whether
the effect had spread before/after she transformed on her pen to
fight the monster?
The grammar's pretty good, but the language is a bit awkward.
There were a few repetitive sections, and the sentences don't flow
as well as I think they could.
At part nine, you've had time to have a single episode to showcase
each new scout, plus a couple leftovers. Which leaves me wondering,
where are you going with this? You've only *barely* touched on the
"bad guy."
In short, I don't see where the story is going. Hopefully things
will be cleared up.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"