At 09:05 PM 6/2/00 -0400, DB Sommer wrote:
Several moments later, the sound of cursing and metal being bent back
reached Yuri's ears. She felt something uncomfortable shift in the pit of
her stomach. Oh yes, Kei's training in the 'Hit It With a Big Blunt Object
Until It Starts Working,' school of engineering was going to end up dumping
Cut the comma.
them in hyperspace and killing them both. At least Yuri would know it was
all Kei's fault and not hers. There was something reassuring in that.
I'm sure there is. What exactly, I don't know ^_^
"Nothing major." Yuri released a long sigh of relief. "It controls the
water supply though. If it's blown, we won't be able to take showers. And
supply, though.
"Hey! Just because I have the ability to shoot straight, unlike some people
that shall go nameless, that doesn't mean I can't replace a lousy
Hmm--"who shall remain nameless" sounds better to me.
Yuri's eyes narrowed. "Please tell me you weren't stupid enough to grab
both the positive and negative poles at the same time."
"So that's what the plus and minus signs meant, huh?" A small puff of smoke
No, they're for listing pros and cons.
escaped Kei's lips as she spoke. Her skin, of which there was a great deal
showing given the revealing nature of her uniform, was now almost
completely sing-covered from the slight charring she had taken from the
singe-covered
I'd suggest just plain "singed".
The question caught Yuri off-guard. "I thought it was the day we completed
our assignment by preventing General Golgotha from stealing over a dozen
interplanetary nuclear missiles and using them to threaten star systems."
True, one had accidentally gone off and sort of blown up one of the major
cities of Nansite-4 which made most of the continent uninhabitable for the
Nasite-4, which
"It gets worse. Did you know that on my last drinking binge I woke up with
a hangover that lasted more than a couple of hours? And I didn't even have
more than a pair of six packs at the most. And maybe two or three mixed
drinks as well, but that's not the point. I never used to get hangovers.
And then there's the men. Not one guy hit on me this entire mission. Not
even that sleazy-looking Lieutenant with the planetside police. There was a
No need to capitalize "lieutenant" unless you're addressing one, or referring
to one by name, I think.
Kei let out a long drawn out , "Okay. But I'm telling you it's just a waste
Cut space after "out".
If the wire had managed to loop around her throat, she would have been dead
within several seconds as it cut through the soft tissue of her throat and
windpipe. The fact that it had only sliced through the flesh of her hand
meant she had a chance. Shutting out the pain (an experience she had plenty
of familiarity with) she used every ounce of flexibility she had and
Add a comma after "with)" or use commas for a parenthetical statement instead
of parentheses: "...pain, an...with, she..."
Years of service and countless hand-to-hand fights enabled Kei to maintain
her composure. She was less than a second in reacting to the shift in the
fight. Her free hand came across her body and managed to grab onto the
handle of her pistol that still rested in her holster, though by the side
of the grip so that she wouldn't be able to fire it without adjusting its
position in her hand first. Rather than waste her time trying to change the
grip on the pistol, and being vulnerable enough to risk losing it, she
brought the gun back. Visualizing where her opponent's head should be, and
Cut extra space between "should" and "be".
But the man remained motionless on the ground. Kei recovered her sidearm,
suppressed the urge to put a few laser shots into his remains (since she
might accidentally fry a clue) and took several steps forward to nudge the
Comma after "clue)".
body with her foot. The instant the tip of her blue boot touched the side
of the prone figure, she darted back just as quickly as she had approached,
just in case he tried grabbing onto her foot. That too had happened on more
The "too" seems unnecessary.
There seemed to be no other clues on the man, not even a tattoo, so Kei
took a moment to closely examine herself for any injuries. The only major
one was to her hand. The wire had cut all the way down to the bone and was
Add "she" or "it" after "bone and".
Once Yuri had a moment to calm down, she examined her partner while being
certain to show no open concern. Besides a bandage on her hand, Kei
appeared to be all right, and Yuri wasn't going to ask about the wound if
Kei didn't feel the need to mention it. "I had a run in with a genetic
mismatch of parts. Had big teeth. They weren't as sharp as a bloody card
though."
I think "bloody card" should be in caps--trademark, right?
halfway down its back. The thing had to weigh close to a ton, given its
huge size and girth. It was a humanoid, but definitely not human. It was
bipedal and had two arms and legs, both huge and powerful-looking enough to
"Bipedal" already indicates two legs, so "and legs" is redundant.
Yuri tried to shut out the pain and speak to her partner. From somewhere in
the direction of the doorway, the sounds of slow, inexorable footfalls
could be heard, each impact causing the metal plates beneath Yuri to
vibrate slightly. The dark-haired girl watched Kei dart her head above the
Cut extra space after "head".
Yuri injected the painkillers, then allowed Kei to help her float to their
makeshift medical bay, (the place they had designated they should go when
wounded so they didn't bleed all over one another's belongings), and laid
Either cut the comma after "medical bay" or remove the parentheses--they're
redundant in between commas.
She examined the inside's of Yuri's leg with a hand held x-ray device. The
X-ray
After passing out from her 'surgical procedure,' (as Yuri acerbically now
Cut the comma.
"You seem pretty anxious for a simple rendezvous with the other 3WA agents
you summoned. Exactly how many did headquarters' send?" Yuri carefully
Cut the apostrophe.
Much to Yuri's surprise, Kei went from the 'I got my hand caught in the
cookie jar,' look to one of serious intensity. Her eyes seemed to bore
Cut the comma or put it after "look".
grueling of conditions. The only drawbacks were its bulk and difficulty to
maintain. Still, that such an obviously experienced woman had that kind of
Try "being difficult to maintain"--"diffciulty to maintain" sounds awkward, if
not outright ungrammatical.
Comments:
Riveting action romp with great fight scenes and character development. Good
work.
I really ought to watch Iria one of these days, if only because I profess to
be an Aya Hisakawa fan ^_^
Johann Chua -- HP: http://www.geocities.com/fuuma_1999/
CLAMP Fan Fiction: http://members.xoom.com/fuuma_monou/clampfix5.0/
"Many strange things are done in the name of love. People drink poison,
hurl themselves off tall buildings, get expensive implants and commit
murder, among other acts. These may strike the casual observer as insane,
but to the person in love, they make perfect sense." --Jessica Zafra